A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:After a night of great sex my wife of 20 years informed me that she had begun thinking more and more of sex with other men. I pressed her a little if she meant like a three-way or more, and she said no, just one person. She didn't have anybody in mind, just the taboo nature of it would be exciting she said. When she saw how devastated this made me she said that it was just a bucket list item and her age (almost 40) was making her think about things she never got to do. I asked what she would do differently and she said she didn't know. Now I am a wreck. She hasn't cheated but I feel like she wanted me to tell her it was ok to do it. She even said she would understand if I wanted to have sex with another woman, if that's what I really wanted. What is happening here? Is my marriage something other than what I thought? Again, she hasn't cheated but I feel as crushed as if she had.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2011): Its great she is being honest with you, i guess after 20 years she is just curious about how it would be with another guy.
My wife suggested her having sex with another guy to spice up our sex lives and after much heartfelt discussion we decided to give it a go. It happened at our home and i watched and saw the happiness and pleasure on her face and it actualy did make our own sex life more fulfilling, A couple of times a year we repeat this senario and it keeps her very satisfied and happy, as i agreed to it happening its not realy cheating, once you can get over the jealousy and take happiness from seeing your loved wife contented then its not a problem.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011):
My wife told me something similar 3 years into our relationship. She thought having sex with another man could energize our flagging sex life. She said I could do it, too, if I wanted. Like you, I was horrified. My wife dropped it, but even now (it has been 16 years since then) it haunts me. It destroyed my trust in her, made me feel inadequate, and devalued our marriage.
Do I think about sex with other women? Sure. Would I ever propose that to my wife? HELL NO! To be honest, the day that my wife mentioned that was one of the worst days of my life and I still think about it often even so many years later. In some ways our marriage was permanently damaged by those comments. There is a definite scar. Like you, I don't think my wife cheated, but - well, who knows. Sometimes I think I should have left her after those comments. Very insensitive and clearly showed we both have very different ideas about what marriage means. I feel your pain. In fact, I think you guys should find a good marriage counselor to help you through this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2011): Your wife is talking about sex with other men.She is suggesting it would be ok for you to go outside the marriage.You are going to get a lot of advice from strangers who don't know your wife, or you, or your friends, or your wife's friends. All that advice will be bad."I am a wreck."This is important, and all that you know thus far."She hasn't cheated"You don't know this, but she has expressed something that is not normal in good stable and fulfilling relationships...it may be normal to think it, but it is not normal to say it. Often times this is the tickler to let you know that things are not as they seem. She may very well have someone else currently, or recently, or 10 years in the past."I am a wreck."Which means you and your wife need to talk, and you need to go to a counselor to do that, you need professional assistance because of the BS that tends to get bandied about by people...particularly the spouse that is either cheating or has an opportunity to cheat that has arisen and wants to act on it.Don't believe the "wonderful" crap you read about wife swapping, threesomes, and other arrangements. They destroy marriages.If you want to destroy your marriage, then go ahead, but that is what it does...at least know that going in.Your wife may be having an affair, and hinting about it, trying to assuage her own guilt. If so, remember the first three rules of affairs.1. Lie.2. Lie.3. Lie.Don't believe it? Read some books on infidelity.
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A
male
reader, NLeo +, writes (12 December 2011):
Try wife-swapping with a trusted friend, if that'll help. Maybe you're the only man she had and she is trying to check out the other fish in the sea!
It's more like a state in married life where you want to change something. Go for a long vacation or something; read a book on 'how to satisfy your woman'!
Nothing wrong here - just normal behavior for normal people. The important question is: how are you going to deal with it?
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (12 December 2011):
 Hi,
I agree with the previous posters. You are luck to have such a honest wife.... Like she said, it's just a thought.... She loves you enough, trust you enough, feel comfortable enough to share her feelings. I know that it hurts to know, and the thought of it is unbearable.... I am sure she doesn't think about this 24/7. It's just a thought...
Best thing is to continue having a honest, open communication. Just tell her that you love her unconditionally and all you want from her is to always be honest. This is not a problem, and you shouldn't let this make you obsess, angry or make a big deal.... Feel better... Happy holidays..
Good luck/best wishes...
Ps: instead thinking about this, why don't you do something special, romantic for your wife?
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A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (12 December 2011):
Don't you think of sex with other women? Does it mean you're going to leave her? NO.
Don't worry - I applaud her for being honest. It's natural to wonder about what you never had.
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A
male
reader, unknown2u +, writes (12 December 2011):
OK, she's almost 40 and you've been married 20 years. Were you her first and only?I'd have written this off to a fantasy if you hadn't added the 'bucket list' comment.Let's take this as "half full" to start -- she trusts you enough to be open and honest. That's a real pat on the back.Yes, the "half empty" side could be all sorts of dark portents. But let's not go there just yet.Follow up?
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