A
male
age
30-35,
*ockshredder
writes:Hi everyone.Help me grieve this loss.Yesterday I got a terrible news from my home country Pakistan about my eldest nephew's death. He was 16 and perfectly healthy and growing. He hung himself and died. I was called from my home with this news and I drove insanely to home and received my mom and sister in law with red eyes. I couldn't help but cry to the fullest. It all felt like a nightmare. All his images flashed infront of my eyes. He was a very sensitive kid. He and his 2 brothers; I loved them to my heart.He committed suicide because it was an age when a child's dignity and self respect is build. He needs a lot of love and pampering. But he used to get beaten up by his father and get name calling every now and then. He was bullied and abused basically. His father is a very illetrate person. By the rest of the family including me, he was critized for not being sincere with his goals like his younger brothers.He left a letter with him before he killed himself saying"Mom. I love you the most in the world and I am sorry. But papa beats me everyday. He says I pay your school fee and you are a burden on me. Still you do not perform well. Mom I love you and I am doing this to lower the burden. Please forgive me and please tell me if the burden was lowered or not"I cannot stop crying right now. He was my sweetheart. Before coming to USA 5 months ago, I gave him and his significant brother tuitions for 6 months so they could perform well in studies. They became really close to me in those months. He used to share everything with me. I used to calm him down a lot of times.My smallest nephew (9 years old)has already been fighting for his life with a failed kidney and defective lever. We were arranging for his lever transplant and soon he was to be taken to India for the treatment. But today we lost our Samar out of the blue. I can't believe he is gone. Samar why did you do this sweetheart? Why? I wish I was still there with you and you would have shared your pains with me. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :'(Now my smallest nephew is just looking at her mother crying and keeps crying. I don't even want to imagine what affect will it have on his kidneys and lever. Everything fell apart. Samar you killed us with you baby :'(I think of my sister. It will be a grief and loss of a lifetime. She spent 16 years with a son who came from her womb. Her 1st child. And she had already died half cause of his dying youngest child. I think it is a nightmare. How can you leave us like that Samar?What a tragedy! Today they burried him and we bade him goodbye forever.My father was busy in youngest nephew's treatment and that is the time their father gained in bullying Samar. In a frame of 2 months Samar got so frustrated within his heart that after last beating, he went upstairs to his room and hung himself.Now I shared all my families' grief with you. I am not trying to get anything here. The only issue I have is my guilt.My nephews came in this world when I was 7. I used to be jealous of them cause all the attention I deserved at that age was diverted to them as they were really cute. But now I want to kill myself cause I was such an asshole. I lost him and now I regret thinking all that.Second guilt that is killing me is that he came so close to me, he used to share all his troubles with me. Me and his mom used to protect him and his brother from his father's beating. When I came to America 5 months ago, my gf of 4 years dumped me. I got so self absorbed in dealing with my own pains that I completely forgot about the miseries and difficulties of those kids.3rd guilt is that I couldn't cry to calm myself over his dead body one last time. I couldn't kiss his forehead one last time and let him know how much he meant to me. Cause I have a job, I am taking classes and I cannot go back yet cause I have to stay longer as I am an immigrant.I got so absorbed in myself in these months that I totally forgot about him. He used to be absent from our skype video chats and we all noticed that he was starting to get isolated but we made a mistake of not taking that seriously. It is a loss of all due to mistake of all.But my guilts are killing me. My sister is an alive corpse now. She will have to live with his clothes, shoes, books, pictures, bed and his memories; living and dying everyday.His immediate brother who was just 1 year junior lost his companion and his best friend. A friend who stayed with him for 15 years. I gathered the courage to talk to him and tell him how much he means to me but his voice just ran like a bullet through my ears cause it was so dead and lost. He lost his companion who left like a blackbird with so much pain.The eldest nephew, I talked to him and said "You and your brother and all of us have to give your mother all the love and courage she needs. Our Samar will always be with us and we will have to be really brave now."His reply was a 1 word with a crying painful voice that cut my heart into pieces as he said "ok uncle"I cant help but curse myself and everyone when I imagine how badly Samar was injured, torn and hurt; what was his pain writing that letter and when he hung himself. What amount of pain would he have gone through doing all this. I want to ask his father if his burden is lowered or not.Samar, my dear Samar, I will always love you. I am so so sorry I was not there with you all these months. I regret that I used to tell you that you were not good in studies. I literally hate myself for ever hurting you my angel. Samar my darling I am sorry for each time I hurt you. I wish I could hold you one last time. I know you are listening to me somewhere. Please come and give me a hug darling. I want to hold you one last time Samar. Will always be with me :'(May you never be broken again :'(
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best friend, bullied, I love you, jealous, sister in law Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2011): I am very sorry for your loss and you' and your family are in my prayers. I agree with the other poster, you shouldn't beat yourself up for something you did when you were 7. You were young, and he didn't even remember what you did. And the fact that you were such a good uncle to him made uo for whatever you could've done.
On another note, what helped me when I was in a similar situation was that that wonderful boy is never truly gone. One day you and your family will be reunited with him. You will see him again. Right now all you can do is miss him and be a good brother to his mother and the rest of your family.
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (6 August 2011):
 I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you peace and healing.
Allow yourself to grieve. This was not your fault.
Sincerely,
R.A.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2011): i cannot and will not be able to understand your pain, as i am not in your shoes..but i will pray for you, your family and for dear Samar..for all of you to find peace within yourselves..god bless all of you..
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (6 August 2011):
 I understand what you feel, poster. All I can say is, I hope your nephew is in a better place now. You were in the United States and were too far to help him. Remember him with love and remember the happy times.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (6 August 2011):
 Firstly I am so sorry for your lost this is a very painful time for you and I understand your feelings but you really need to give yourself a break here. You need not feel guilty about being jealous when you were 7 a lot of people feel like that at that age and are not mature enough to handle attention diversion so forgive yourself for this.
Forgive yourself also for dealing with your own life and leaving your nephew out for a while that too is a normal reaction to pain and something we all do.
Spend your time honoring this young man's life instead of beating yourself up over things that were beyond your control.
Celebrate his life don't focus on his death, remember all the things about him that made him special and talk about them to bring his memories alive and ensure no one forgets how beautiful he was.
You wil get through this and the awful pain will lessen over time I promise.
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