A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:i've been dating a 40 yr old widower of 2 years for 5 months. he still has his wife's clothes in the closet , jewelry on the bathroom counter, pictures next to the bed and wears his wedding ring......do you think he's really ready to be in a relationship?
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female
reader, An Asian Lady +, writes (1 January 2012):
 I just broke a relationship with a widower. It was a disaster. I got hurt a lot from it.His late wife died two years ago. I met him on Match.com. I had been always nice and gentle to him since he is a widower. After date about 4 times, he asked me to have sex with him. I thought it was too soon to do so, but I was afraid that his feeling might get hurt, so I let him to have sex with me. He was very happy about the sex, saying I am the sexiest woman he has ever met. After that, he introduced me to many of his friends. A lot of his friends told him that I am a pretty woman. He was very proud of bringing me everywhere. He seemed very into me as well. He helped me on my car and helped me when I was sick (he is a doctor). On his Christmas card, he signed "love". I was happy with him for many reasons and I treated him very well: I cooked for him whenever we were together, I knit a sweater for him, I did my best in bed for him… But, one thing I was very uncomfortable about is: his late wife's pictures are everywhere in his house. The pictures let me feel that his late wife was on a vacation and I do not belong to there. I told him that he can keep her pictures in a drawer and he can look at them as often as he wants. He and his late wife did not have children together. He does not need to put them there for children's reason. After I told him that I could not cum when we had sex because I did not like being "watch" by his late wife. He put the bedroom's pictures away, but left all the pictures of other areas there. On the Christmas Day of 2011, we went to his vacation house to celebrate. After I saw his late wife's picture in the bedroom, I totally lost interest in having sex with him. He went to the vacation house twice before we got there and had chances to put them away, but he did not. When I asked him why he keeps her pictures there, he told me that they keep him to remind her. I told him that keeping the pictures everywhere is a shared problem to both of us: The pictures bother me to perform well as a girlfriend and they keep him in the past. Because this reason, there is no way for a new love to grow between us. He did not want to listen. So I broke the relationship with him on the last day of 2011. Actually, it was not all about the pictures. I did not feel that he respected me as a woman. He gave me an underwear (looks like a swimming suit). He told me that he bought it for me. I was very happy about it and could not wait to put it on. Late, I found out that it is clearly a used one. Some of the tags are ripped and the fabric is worn. It must be his late wife's. But, I did not notice these details when I first got it. So, I put it on directly on my skin and my private part, because it is an underwear. Now, I feel very gross about this thing. When I asked him why he gave me his late wife's underwear, he told me that it is his favorite item and he wanted to see me to put it on. It seems he treated me as a replacement of his late wife. I asked him: How would you feel if I was a widow and gave you my late husband's underwear? It is an insult. I would never do it to anyone. Now, I doubt about if he had a true loving relationship with his late wife. I think that it takes two good people to make a good relationship. If he could do something as nasty as this thing, he has problems in his personality. Maybe he felt happy in his last marriage, but his late wife might not. His diseased wife might have been supper submissive to him since he hired her as his nurse after she lost her job. She only had one daughter. He and the daughter had a really bad relationship, even though she was very nice to his son. I don't think that his wife could be happy about that. He told me that the marriage was good, but not perfect. Actually, I like his late wife, but I do not want to be "watched" by her all the time. Why did I want to date him at the beginning? I thought that he was a very honest guy. He is a doctor. At the first date, he surprised me by keeping saying he had a bad business due to this bad economy. He even asked me how I do my business advertisement ( I run a bilingual preschool and daycare). I thought that he was an honest man. Most men I met from Match.com kept talking about how big mansion they have, how big money they make, and how high position they get in a big company… I did not have an idea about how much money an American doctor can make (since I am from another country) and he made me even think that I made more money than he does. This is also a kind of dishonesty. He treated me as a gold digger. Actually, I make good money as well. I do not need to dig gold by selling my happiness. In fact, I broke the relationship with him right after he told me how much money he makes. LOLI made the decision on the ice of Lake Margrethe, where his vacation house is at. I love the beautiful lake (even though I might not be able to see her soon) and I promised to her: I will marry only for love!!! Now, I can breathe again in this New Year's Day of 2012. My new year's resolution is: Do my best to be a better woman. I believe that I will be truly loved by a nice gentleman.As a former girlfriend of a widower, I would like to suggest: If you are a widower and not ready for a committed relationship, please do not date. It is unfair to your partner if you don't put your heart in the relationship and just use her as a replacement. You can have a casual sexual relationship with a widow, who is in the same situation as you are. Another suggestion I would like to give is for women: If you are a woman, who is dating a widower, please stand up for yourself and do not let a widower to use you and hurt you. Being a widower does not give him the rights to do these things to you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): No!!!! I'd say run for the hills. He CAN let go and move on if he wants to. You're in for pain if you stay in that. Just from some things I've read, tell him you will consider dating him in the future if he has grieved, let go and moved on. Doesn't sound like to me he is moving on. It's not fair to you to enter a relationship like that. My personal opinion is he's had time for all that. Would any man you date like looking at say - your ex-husband's clothes etc.?
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A
female
reader, TaylorChu +, writes (25 July 2007):
 Only he can answer that. It still sound like he is in morning though and when it is that strong (things still left in place or even a dinner plate left out for the decesaed) then it is a growing problem and may need some medical/counseling attention. He lost the love of his life and that is a shocker and a very deep cutting blow. We can't expect him to be ready to date but he should be at the point where he isnt keeping time stuck in his home or heart leaving the place as his wife last had it.
Talk to him and even tell him your feelings. He will at least know where you are coming from and see that you care for him in a very strong way. If he isnt ready then he just isnt but at least he'd have a good friend with him helping his through this process.
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A
female
reader, chrissy32789 +, writes (25 July 2007):
 It really does not sound like he is moving on from his wife who is gone, and It dont sound that he is ready for a relationship, Usally when a person moves on to someone else they will pack the others persons stuff up and put them in a box or give them to family members, but doesnt keep the clothes in the closet, the wedding ring on, or her stuff in the bathroom, the pictures is understand able, but the rest dont sound right. try talking to him about it and if it dont work out then go talk to a counslior about it with him, and see where it goes from there. Good luck
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