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female
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anonymous
writes: what do people think about pre-marital sex? i grew up in a religious family, but waiting until marriage made a lot more sense when i was 19. now i'm 27, and i'm curious. does anyone really wait this long? is it bad if you sleep with someone in a long-term, committed relationship when you're both in love and could very well end up getting married in a few more years, after grad school, etc.? i'm not even that religious ... i just grew up hearing that sex outside of marriage was sleazy and immoral (think 1950s). how many people still think this way? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (23 November 2006):
 Your first question is: Does anyone really wait this long?
The answer is yes. I have dated women that were virgins between the ages of 22 to 32. Some women wait, while others just never really had the opportunity until they met someone they really liked enough, and who liked them.
EVERYONE has a different opinion. You are an adult, and the ONLY opinion that counts is your own.
I can tell you that when I dated virgins, my main concern was to find out why they were still virgins...was it because there is something wrong with them physically or mentally? Were they sexually abused as a child? Were they just very religious? Were they asexual, and just did not feel sexual desire? Were they just really really really shy?
The only think I can tell you for sure is that the older you get, the worse will be assumed by the guys that you date. Some men may get freaked out, and will not want to be your first. Other men may love you all the more for it.
The only thing You need to come to terms with is how will you feel about yourself.
-Frank B Kermit
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2006):
An interesting question.
The present soceity we have inherited is the product of the moral guidance of sequences of past generations. Its easy to say things are currently screwed up, but in actually we have progressed to a prety good point. 3000 years ago there was constant tribal wars, rape, infantacide, slavery, a lack of economic security and a justice system. If you ever became enfebeled, people would just take your stuff and probably kill you.
So you might quibble about specific instances, but the presence of a moral code as really enabled a lot of progress.
Now what happens when you start deciding its ok to pick and chose or that soceity shouldnt have expectations of its members behavior? We cant really tell. We we may think living together and being married are the same thing, but we really dont know what the long term consequences are. De-stigmatizing divorce may have helped a lot of people in individual cases but in the long term it means marriage commitments are taken a lot less seriously. What are the rippling consequences of that?
In cellular automata a small change in initial rules has consequences that cannot be perdicted until sucessive generations. It might very well be the same with the human moral code. Paris Hilton may be the precursor- the throughly modern Millie of a laxer soceity moral standard.
Look at the questions on this site. How many of them are caused by the parties being so lax in their own behavior or the expectations of others? I had an affair with my boss and now I might be pregnant... how can I get my sex buddy to return my calls... I have been cheating for 15 and now I have to make a choice between them.
You are 27 and dont have to wonder when one of your illegitmate childrens' fathers is going to send the child support check. Dont push the panic button yet.
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A
female
reader, Jessamy +, writes (22 November 2006):
I can't answer for everyone, and I suppose the point of view varies around the world. In my personal opinion, there is nothing sleasy or immoral at all about sleeping with someone who you are in a committed relationship with. Sleasy is when you are going from guy to guy, going out just for the sake of picking up, and can't do without the male attention. If you're in a loving relationship with someone special, sex can be an incredible celebration of that love, shared together.
Where I come from (Australia), this is the usual opinion, except perhaps among a minority of christians. Certainly no-one would look down on you for it.
NO-one can tell you what's right or wrong, you have to make your own decision about this. Don't let anyone else's opinion direct how you live your life!
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (22 November 2006):
 Only the most religious people seem to wait until married until having sex. And a few non-religious people (like yourself), but really not very many these days. This attitude is more common in America than in Europe (where I live), America being a generally more religious and conservative place.
Most people would say that pre-marital sex in the context of a stable, loving, long term relationship is a good thing. Personally I agree with this. As long as you have love, mutual respect, intimacy and honest communication, then I think sex can be wonderful, whether or not you are married. Having said that, I think you shouldn't be having sex with someone unless you can see marriage with them in the long term as a possibility. But that is just me.
Then there are people who think things like anonymous one night stands, casual sex, 'friends with benefits', 'hooking up' and so on are totally fine. Personally I don't think so, having seen all sorts of unpleasant emotional fall-out from this kind of behaviour. I think many people idealize the idea that its possible to separate sex from emotion and 'just have fun', but in practice this is very hard to do. Almost always someone ends up getting hurt in my experience. I guess some people can do it, but much fewer than the media would like us to believe.
But each to their own. It really is about what you think is right, and then finding a partner with similar values to you. There are exceptions to every rule and all of us are different. Human nature is very malleable.
Personally I think what you have done is something to be admired. I certainly think what you have done is better than having had 20 or 30 sexual partners, which is increasingly common for someone your age. My girlfriend has had many sexual partners, mostly due to low self esteem and a difficult upbringing, and it has brought problems into our otherwise wonderful relationship, and she carries a lot of regret around because of it. We both wish it hadn't happened, but theres nothing either of us can do about it now other than put it behind us.
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A
female
reader, Cool Cucumber  +, writes (22 November 2006):
 Not many think this way. Some people who beleive that is right and proper to wait until you are married before having sexual relations, say it helps them to not place an importance on the physical, more on the emotional aspect of the relationship. This is good and could benefit the relationship if you both agree to this before. As like you say, you were brought up to beleive sex to be immoral and bad before marriage - then that is going to have an impact on how you personally veiw sex.
Sex is not immoral/dirty/sleazy, it is entirley down to the individual how they percieve sex. Sex should definately be enjoyed between two people who love and respect each other. Whether it is prefferable to you to wait until you are married is entirley up to you.
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