A
male
age
51-59,
*edjpd
writes:My girlfriend and I broke up 3 months ago. After an initial period of no contact we started to meet up on occassion and had a friends with benefits relationship.We discussed our relationship and why it failed and if we could rekindle it. After a lot of soul searching my ex said that we she couldn't forgive me for the way I treated her last august ( I admit I was obnoxious too her on a trip and verbally abused her - she can have low self esteem at times)even though I am generally nice to her.Usually when we have these talks it can end with me getting somewhat nasty too her by saying that I was warned to stay away from her when we first started going out 3 years ago - this upsets her greatly and that I think we should now cut all ties as being friends will not work and all of this messing about with each other is just holding us back from moving on.This happened again last night after we had been out for an enjoyable meal together.I don't know why I react the way I do and say some of the things I do as I do love her deeply and know she still loves me too.I have since apologised by text but think it is too late now. I do still want to be her partner but feel that as she cannot forgive I need to cut all ties and move on with my own life - am I right or is there anything more I can do to change the way I react to her and to show her that we can have a future?
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female
reader, mcbirdie  +, writes (27 June 2007):
 Bubbloo gives good advice and you could certainly go that route.
But for my money, I'm thinking it's not going to work. If you had said that you once or twice have said something to hurt her, I would chalk that up to normal course of events. But since you say you do it at the end of all of these talks--and that you keep saying the same rotten thing to her, when you know she has low self-esteem and how much it hurts her--I think there is more to it than just an ugly fight.
You seem to have gone out of your way to really turn the knife in when you wanted to reject her and you haven't done much to make it back up to her. If you want her, why would you do this friends with benefits thing that doesn't seem to be good for both of you? Why would you keep telling her that you think you should cut all ties...and then only apologize by text?
I think that if you really believed deep down that this was the woman for you and that you wanted to make it work, you wouldn't have created this destructive pattern. My advice would be to step back from the relationship now. Take time off from all contact and see how you feel in a few months time.
Best of luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2007): Hi love
Sometimes when we argue it gets to a point when we feel as we are getting nowhere and thats when tempers fly, I do have the belief that no one intentionally hurts someone else unless they themselves are hurting inside and some people when angry take the hurt they are feeling out on someone else, and its usually the closest person to you.... And when i say this alot of people i no look very shocked at me and that is only because i was badly abused by my second husband... He did have a big issue with himself as he couldnt have what he wanted and it ate away at him hurt him so badly that he hurt me, now even though i understand this does'nt mean i can live like this, If you are getting angry then you have to think why and where its coming from. (IM NOT PUTTING YOU IN THE SAME LEAGUE AS MY HUSBAND JUST SO YOU NO OK HUN)
If you love her then you need to go to her and say your sorry a text wont put her mind at rest.. I no its so easy these days to quickly write it down as its on your mind... And work out what is starting the anger off, After 3yrs i dont think you should be telling her you where warned not to go out with her as you have spent alot of time with her so you should no her personality for yourself so other peoples opinions shouldnt come in to it at all now. Once you have had a good think talk to her and maybe you can work on the relationship, By starting with a friendship take it from there, Hope you can work things out for the both of you... TAKE CARE LOTS OF LOVE MANDY XXX
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A
female
reader, xSarax +, writes (27 June 2007):
 Men are naturally more agressive than women -not in all cases but most. This doesnt have to be physical like your case it could be verbal. I think the reason that you are constantly arguing is because you can't deal with your emotions the way she can and you just clash. But be a man and speak to her face to face instead of text. She will respect you more for that. Whatever you have said to her that she can't forgive you for, I think that you didn't mean what you said you just said it because you were angry. And who were you warned to stay away from her 3 years ago by? Everybody has a past whether we choose to except that or not. I think you need to appologise face to face and try seeing each other once a week to bring your friendship back, work on the nastiness together, have a long chat and bring all the issues up. Just try not to get angry and hurtful. You'll be fine if you give it time. best of luck.
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A
female
reader, bubbloo24  +, writes (27 June 2007):
 You apologised by text? You verbally abuse her in the past and you apologise by text??
You need to go up to her and tell her how sorry you are, only then will you have a small chance.
If you want any chance at all, apologising to her in person is the first step. Then see how it goes for a few weeks as friends, talk to her about life in general and past happy memories, then she will probably remember the happier times with you and not so much the bad times.
If you feel yourself getting angry, step back and say "I want this girl, I'm not gonna mess up like I did last time." After a few weeks, judging on how you two are getting on decide whether you have a future as friends or more, you need a bit of time to think this through and see how it goes. Don't jump into it because then you're more likely to have problems and you will probably get angry again.
My point is, if you really REALLY want this girl, you will realise what you have to do - when you feel angry ask yourself whether it's really worth it. Before arguing with her, argue with yourself.
Good luck x
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