A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:really need some helpi have tried to get help for this and my friends have been great listening to me but i still am in despair.i have recently finished a relationship with a guy which lasted 5 years. the last 4 were awful-i shudder no when i think why i stayed so long. he has drained me financially and hasnt ever really shown me any affection or love except year 1.anyway out of that now but then 3 months ago i heard my previous ex got married now i really loved this guy we were engaged blah blah had a house together etc but again by year 3 he just turned nonchalant and unbothered by me so i left-i was already just friends with the other guy because we all worked in the same place. anyway heres the thing i am consumed by jeleousy by my first ex getting married-im ashamed of myself i keep comparing myself to his new wife-i know i have no right--what is wrong with me. i wasnt the worst person he could have been with-i even let him keep the house and car we had and he didn even think of me a little when he sold the house-that really hurt to think that he hates me so much now.my friends think im crazy-they say he was a pig and i could do so much better and theyre really glad i dumped this money grabbing last one.thing is why cant i get the rose tinted specs off. its no fun waking up everyday with this horrid churning feeling inside of me i just want to get better please help
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female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (21 July 2009):
 My word you certainly wear your heart on your sleeve don't you, you give so much that it becomes all too consuming and that can be suffocating. I am not trying to proportion blame but you give so much of yourself that basically both of these guys seem able to take take take and NEVER give anything in return.
You have been walked all over and it seems as though this isn't just the last sleazy guy but the guy who has recently got married as well. If he was SO wonderful then why has he NEVER EVER considered you when he moved forward, you said you hadn't been the worst person he could have been with so why walk away leaving everything behind. You deserve so much better than that.
Don't be the mug for these guys to walk all over you. I pity this new wife in all honesty, do you know if he truly loves her or is just marrying her for what he can eventually get out of her. Don't compare yourself to her, that could have been the previous trusting you and you are wiser and much smarter now.
Your confidence as been completely drained by this last ex and that is why you are now looking at your previous so wonderful relationship that turned really sour after 3 years, you were engaged and had a house etc, he obviously wasn't the right guy for you otherwise you would NEVER have walked away from him. You have had a lucky escape and keep reminding yourself of the time after the 3 years when there was all the problems and the final reasons you walked away.
You deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them.
I would suggest however, that you need to get your own form of counselling so that you do not carry around the issues you have had from your last two relationships into a new relationship when the time is right. By learning from the past you may have a totally new perspective on the future.
Enjoy your life right now and enjoy your friend's they are the ones who are there for you when the proverbial hits the fan.
The horrid churning feeling is your own inner self trying to battle with your heart which is what is controlling your emotions right now. Start listening to your head and get yourself sorted out by finding a reputable counsellor, first port of call could be Relate although you may find it is a long waiting list. Someone who is single can go to Relate as you don't have to be in a couple to see them. They could then suggest individual counselling or you could go direct.
However, you could go onto the British Association of Counsellors or something similar and look for people in your area and see the areas that they specialise in, find one who is registered and regulated and give them a call, find out their charges and a brief outline of why you want to get some counselling.
Don't ignore the issues you are carrying around with you right now as you need a sort of emotional detox to rid yourself of all this pent up emotion and disappointment and hurt that you have right now. Once you address it you will feel cleansed and much happier in life. You will also be able to communicate with others in a much more methodical way and you can approach a new relationship with a different outlook on life. Give yourself time and don't forget we all have to grieve a little for our lost relationships, it is a loss no matter what anyone says but you cannot stay in that state forever, you need to move forward and by coming on this site I think you are ready to take the next step.
Keep your friend's around you as they know you and also know that they have your best interests at heart. Plan something you can look forward to even if it is a girlie night out or girlie weekend at a pampering place. Give yourself some good times again and put YOURSELF first for once as you have spent so many years now putting a man first so love yourself again and you will be amazed at the outcome, believe me.
Good luck and keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
x
Keep smiling sweetheart, there is light at the end of the tunnel honest!!!
A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE  +, writes (21 July 2009):
 Go see a therapist.
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