A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi my boyfriend cheated on me during the first year we were together, i stayed around and convinced myself that we all make mistakes, but, i also found out his password to his email account, and since then i have occasionally had a look about and each time felt reassured that he was being faithful (i did this behind his back). We have been together now for three years. Until today, i was waiting for him to come home and was browsing about and decided to have a look (was around 3 months ago i last looked) and i saw emails which had been sent back and forth from a woman i havnt heard him mention. they dont actually show he is cheating, but they do show that he is flirting and letting her know he likes her, she i must admit has kept it to a level of friends, but he has now asked her if she would like a drink and suggested thursday. there is no reply yet for that mail.i know i am very wrong to be checking his personal mail and the only excuse i can give for that is if he had not cheated i would never have felt the need too.what do i do now? wait to see if they meet? confront him? i just do not know what to do next. he has no idea i have his password, what would anyone suggest? the hurt of finding out you have been cheated on is unbearable, and now when i see these mails which do not actualy show he is cheating right now, but planning maybe? is just as bad, as its a possibility and i feel like this huge weight is over me.why do men cheat? is it because we arnt good enough? dont they find us attractive anymore? please someone can you me any help?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2009): i agree with honeypie.... show up and watch In fact I would wait and see if he sets a time and date, then wait for what shitty excuse he gives you. If it were me i would choose a spot out of veiw (where he could not see me but I could see him).. and sit and wait... When she sat down... I would make my presence known. I would walk up and say he honey what are you doing here... I thought you were ( now the shitty excuse comes in)..
Then I would say something witty like "well hell, I wish I had known we were dating other people I would have cheated on you as well, but that would make me a slimy piece of shit.. then look at her and say--you can have him, sloppy second shit is just not my style.
see how that goes.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 July 2009):
 Honey, it has NOTHING to you with you and EVERYTHING to do with his ego. A LOT of men (and women) who cheats are desperate for attention and if they feel like their partner isn't giving them enough they JUSTIFY that with looking for attention elsewhere.
It's like people with short attention spams. Ask them to read Moby Dick. They will start but before the word WHALE even enter their brains, they are making shopping lists in their heads, or noticing dust bunnies under the sofa ..
Cheating is easy. If you feel something in your relationship is lacking, it is EASIER to find someone to fill that gap instead of WORKING thru the problem with your partner. Because having to work though it means confrontation. I means making an effort.
Cheaters are lazy.
I would honestly pretend I didn't know anything was going on and then show up at the bar/restaurant and she what he does. It might mean the end of your relationship, but really he doesn't seem to respect you and you, well you seem to have very little trust in him ( not that I blame you).
If you bring it up now, I can pretty much assure you that he will do 2 tings. Lie and deny.
I'm sorry he is being a jerk.
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A
female
reader, Fay  +, writes (20 July 2009):
I'd love an answer to that too , we females try to be the best we can to them but get treated like dirt , it seems the e-mails indicate that he intends to get to no her better and she is probly taken , as women have a flirtatios nature without noticing it , if i were u i'd keep this to myself until thursday and then look into his mail if they do meet which i doubt , i'd make plans with a close g/friend and meet at the same place and catch him in the act . but don't let him no u going out and where .
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (20 July 2009):
 There are probably lots of reasons why men (and women) cheat on partners...but it is usually to do with personal weakness on their part as opposed to anything about their partner's attractiveness. You have probably heard that old saying: once a cheat, always a cheat...it is very true in most cases. I would say you need to leave this relationship - not because your boyfriend is organising prospective dates behind your back...it is because you feel the need to check-up on him - the grim reaper was standing over your relationship from the first day you felt the need to do that! A relationship that isn't based on open-communication and trust has no long-term basis. You cannot be happy and comfortable in the relationship if you are spying on his emails so have the courage to leave him before this situation corrodes your self esteem even further.
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