A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I don't know, maybe I needed this help; I guess that's why I'm writing this question here. My story is that I am a very attractive young female, in my early 30s, single, I've never been married, and I am still looking for my right better-half. I also have to mention I am still a virgin, and I want to save myself until marriage.Here's my problem. I have met this nice guy online about one year ago and we have started to build a relationship, first through e-mails, then on the phone and little by little our relationship got better and we got closer and we started to think of how to meet each other in order to see each other in real life.Problem is, he lives in a far away city from where I live, about 12 hours of driving apart. He was able to come see me once for only one day and after that, our relationship reached an even warmer point. He wanted, of course, to come back again, to spend more time with me.Well, after much time which passed after the first time (about 6 months) he was finally able to take a second trip to see me. This happened just this past July. He came and stayed for a week and we spent this week together going out every day and making out and I can say I've never felt like this for anyone in my entire life.Please keep in mind, I am still a virgin. He also knows this, because we debated this subject at the beginning of our relationship. He had two other women before which he lived with, at least that's what he told me. He's never been married. But he asked me first thing, how's my love life, meaning when was the last time I made love. I was very embarrassed because I am also the shy type, but I had decided to talk about this subject openly with him and let him know that I want to save that for when I get married.Now, back to my relationship the way it is at this moment. After I spent that entire week with him, in which we only french-kissed and I let him touch my breasts on top of my clothes, nothing else, I got to feel about him in a way that I've never felt about anyone. The problem was, the week was going to end and he was going to go back home. We've discussed, of course, about how he can move in my town, in order for us to keep going out until we can get married.And that's where my big problem comes up. We have very different life situations. We are at very different financial levels and statuses. I am an American Citizen, and have been living here for several years making something of myself, I have a nice stable job, quite some money saved, I have taken several courses and went to several schools since I've been here and I speak, write and understand English very well. It has taken me and my family who helped me several years so that I can get where I am.On the other hand, the guy I met just arrived to this country a little more than a year ago, he barely breaks a word of English, and his work permit expired. He has worked as a trucker for all this time he's been here, and of course for a lot of the time illegally. He is living from paycheck to paycheck also.Now he came and saw me and he turned my world around and he went back promising that he will do everything in his power to make more money and save more money in order to offer me the comfortable life that I've grown accustomed to.I believed him when we spent that week together and for a while after he left. But recently he made me lose my trust in him and I am very confused now. I went to the beach with my family for a week and when I told him on the phone I was going to go, he acted all weird like "there are many men on the beach who will see you" and "why do you go now?" and "I wanted so much to be able to go, too." and "can I come, too?". I told him that we agreed that he stays there and works and makes money and what I do with my family is family stuff. It looked like he was jealous that I will get to have some fun. This was my first vacation in over a year.Then when I was at the beach, I told him that I was going to call him and right on the day when our anniversary of when we first met (communicated) was, I tried calling him all day, about 12 times and his phone always went to voice mail. He made me so mad.One other thing that I forgot to mention is that he shaves his underarms and also just one day before I went to the beach he went to this lady's house, to have a massage on his body with oils and stuff. This made me wonder if he maybe slept with another woman while I went to the beach, just so he can have his fun, too.Now please tell me, people: Am I wasting my time with this guy, or what? Should I wait some years for him to get at the level I am at in this country? A man is supposed to be providing for a woman, not the other way around. Is he looking just for a visa to be able to stay here?I am confused, I thought I was in love, I am constantly making my family mad because I continue to talk to him on the phone and they are confused too about me and what I want.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (25 August 2007):
 I do believe you're very pretty and single. Beauty doesn't come with luck, or with an innate ability to relate to the opposite sex. So you can be lava hot and lonely. I also see that you want a kind of relationship that's very unusual these days, and by this I mean that not many women are still virgins at 30 plus. Just for the sake of clarity, I'm not saying that being a virgin is bad or wrong.
I think this man is serious about you. First, he has maintained the contact all this time. Second, he went to see you. Third, and this is important, he said he'll work harder to give you the kind of life you're now used to. He agrees with you in the idea that men should provide for their women, not the other way around. This is not what a man would say about a woman he doesn't care about. And, he's doing the chasing: HE went to see you. You've never gone to see him.
By the way, many a feminist would disagree with the idea that men have to provide for women.
Over the internet, we are all the same. No one knows who has more money or a better status or the like. Your meeting in real life made you two aware that he is much poorer and less educated than you are. That's sure to have made him feel too little a thing for you. This is because he does feel that he should provide for you. And, there's grounds to what he is feeling: notice what you wrote in your post about your working hard to be where you are, and about your different status.
As to the beach, he is jealous, simply. He knows that a pretty girl will always find men interested in her. And, since he picked up you think less of him, he can only connect the dots and be afraid of losing you. I don't think this is wrong of him.
As to the work permit, there is always the possibility that someone will want to be with you because s/he wants something, other than love, that s/he can get from you. And, this man does have an incentive to get involved with you, since he needs a way to stay in the country. But, that doesn't necessarily mean he is with you because he wants financial gain, or a work permit. He could get that from another person right where he lives, maybe?
As to whether you're wasting the time with this man, in this case meaning whether this relationship will work out, I can say this much: it will work out if you make it work out. He could move to your city and he's said he's willing to. You could also go to visit him. But, that will depend a lot on whether there's trust between you two, and I'm afraid that's lost. Now that you've seen each other in a more serious way, the differences between you two have acquired a new meaning and you TWO are wondering whether it's a good idea to maintain the relationship. You TWO are thinking that the other party may be involved with someone else. You TWO have noticed the different status.
The prospects for this relationship seem bad. They could be good if you TWO worked in that direction. I think you really need to check whether this man is the person you want to be with. You obviously feel you'd be marrying down, and forever. The fact he doesn't speak English well doesn't mean much; he could be a well learned man in his native tongue, or then just an uneducated person, in any language, but that's not an indication of who he is as a person.
I'm not sure whether he is seeing someone else. But, he might.
And, follow my dear, good friend Oblivia's advice: you can't wait forever. Decide now whether you want to bet on this man, and, if you don't, see more men, on a friendly basis, and see who you really like.
Take care.
A
female
reader, Oblivia  +, writes (25 August 2007):
 I don't think you should wait around some years. You are still young today but being in early 30's you don't have all the time in the world to wait around for years when you feel like this now. Imagine you find out in 2 years he is not the right guy, then it might take another year before you've found someone else you like, and then yet more years before you know about him. There are, of course, never any guarantees a relationship will continue being perfect all the time, but if you feel like this already to begin with, then it is really not good.I don't want to advice you to do anything that goes against your beliefs, but i think that maybe you should start seeing more men. I think you should get to know several men on friendship level and from there learn to understand about yourself what kind of man it is that you really feel comfortable being with. I wish you all the luck!
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A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous  +, writes (25 August 2007):
You're stressing the money situation too much. That part of your posting I will totally not acknowledge.
That being said, you are wasting your time from what I can see. He might be sincere in wanting to marry you and provide, some foreigners are. But he may also want the visa. However, you only get to see him once every few months and then he doesn't trust you at the beach and stuff like that, so where do you really see all of this going?
If you're the attractive young female you say you are, why would you go online and end up trying to start something with a guy 12 hours away? You'd be able to find someone closer. Perhaps something else is going on, something you aren't aware of. You are a virgin and want to stay that way until marriage, and that is fine. But do you find it hard to get close to someone? Is your standard of people unrealistic? It looks like one or both of these things is going on because you seem to be taking a chance on a relationship that has like a 2% chance of having a happy ending.
This is what it looks like from where I stand: You're seeing a guy, he lives 12 hours away and you barely get to see him, he can barely speak English, and you seem to also think less of him for his financial status, yet you're attractive and could probably have your pick of guys here. This situation make absolutely no sense.
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