A
female
age
51-59,
*ropicalgal39
writes:I met John online 5yrs ago, we kept up a long distance relationship and travelled together every year and had wonderful times together. Three years ago our daughter was born and we were just overjoyed. I have now relocated to his country at his request so that we can all be together as a family. We now live together and now 5yrs into our relationship, there are two things that John has said that makes me wonder about our future. He recently told me that I have given him a family that he never wanted and that he doesnt know if he loves me, even on the good days. The thing is that he says these things but apppears to be happy which is quite confusing to me. John is not a good communicator and I am very unhappy.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (7 August 2008):
 You've had a major upheaval in both your lives. You've moved to be with him after a long distance relationship and he's suddenly found himself with a ready-made family. A family of his own making, of course, but there it is. He might be missing his feeling of being his own man, setting his own schedule, the freedom that a man thinks he wants or knows he wants. And it's now gone, you've moved in, you need attention and so does your child. I expect that you're going through this transition period, and as you've moved, you're feeling alone and unsupported emotionally by him. What a jerk for saying those things. I expect that if he really reflected on them, he'd probably regret saying them to you.
If I were you, I'd work on building up my own network there, join a mother's group so you have new people to talk to. Don't expect him to be your only source of emotional strength; you have to have some balance in your life too. Things are probably out of whack and your new situation has left you unbalanced and certainly unsettled. Give it some time for the waves to stop and the new routine and reality to set in. Try to let him know that you do love him and that you WANT to be there, even if he doesn't realize what a good thing he has now. He needs to be given the chance to appreciate both you and your child and to come to grips with his new domestic situation.
Always hope for the best and plan for the worst. Do have an exit strategy formulating if this all goes pear-shaped. But don't expect to use it. If that makes sense, I don't know, I'm getting awfully rambly right now.
This sounds nutty, but you are responsible for making your own happiness. He certainly is a part of it, but only a part, he shouldn't be the only thing you're relying on. Okay?
Good luck.
A
female
reader, Lilly Rose  +, writes (6 August 2008):
 To say that you have given him a family that he never wanted show's no respect for you. He doesnt know if he loves you....then why have a child with you and get you to move to his country. If your unhappy tell him. Your both not happy, you need to find out why. Then maybe try some kind of counciling sessions. If not it might be time to move on....give your daughter great role models!
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