A
male
age
36-40,
*topcryingyourheartout
writes:hi;i now have no where else to go but get a strict answer from dearcupid.i was searching for a simple resolution to my love problem. i read several questions but none of that defines my problem.ok first of, i'll write all of the story.i came to a new country to start fresh for education in a university. courses are easy, i can manage easily. and i had a 4 year relationship with another girl, m.But on the airport, before i flew to my new life, i met this girl, g. her eyes were so beautiful and i was thinking that she wouldn't go out with me. you see my dilemma ? i had a 4 year relation with m and all i started to think about was g, she affected me that much.i talked about m with her on our coffee conversations and such. i kept falling for her with each of her clever beautiful sentences and pretty jokes. but i already had m in my life and yet i wasn't ready to leave her.and one day i just said to g that i wanted so much to kiss her. after some talk, we kissed, and made love. yes i started cheating on m; but all my life i rationalized the way i lived, the girl i dated. we had fun ofcourse but the one that i needed was standing right infront of me, g. i felt the need for her understanding of life, her way of life, her soft skin, her beautiful kiss and many of her clever,beautiful perks.this kept going for 1.5 years. the problem is that at the winter break i came back to my home country and had sex with m, not that i wanted but i, i everytime regret this, had to. i was telling lies to m, saying that i love her. and g found out that i had sex with her. she freaked out naturally, she was terribly in love with me and because of her despair and all, she also lost her control and failed at her first year in the university. i tried to confront her while she was failing her courses but she kept telling me that still m being in my life made her miserable. i kept telling her that all the things i told m is a lie, i told her not to worry. and this went on for some more time. at summer break i wanted to break up with m, which was 6 months after the winterbreak, but she was starting her mba at her university. i didnt want to break her hopes about this, i didn't want to put m in an unstable state. at that time, we were dating for 5 years now, literally. but it stopped at 4 years for me. yet, how you wanna name this, i did not want her to be sorry. i kept lying at her and did not break up with her.at this new semester when me and g came back, she wasn't happy. i was really loving her and she started to pull herself back. one day, i catched her talking with another man, mr.t, they were chatting. i asked her who she was, was he just a guy or was he "someone" ? g said he is just a guy. i trusted her, i think love gives that..me and g and a friend is living at the same house by the way. sometime later, she started seeing this guy. i panicked, she told me that she is totally over with me. the next minute i called m, and told her i am in love with someone else and i am breaking up with her. she cried but said ok. few days later, when i talked to m she said she was already suspicious with the behaviour that i showed her and was only mad at me because i kept playing with her. which is true, but on a different perspective, i think... yet, i understood that she recovered.with g, after i broke up with m, i brought her a necklace with a heart shape from swarowsky, flowers. i told her i know i f.cked up, i know i that she cannot trust me after what i've done. but i love her really so much. inside, i was expecting from her to say yes and jump on my arms, but she simply said i can't. i just said take the damn presents. i was and am so desperate.it's been 2 months now that she is dating with mr.t. we still are living at same house with g. i see her everyday, i see her chat everyday. i desperately search her room for some hard evidence that i need to move on. i am trying to understand where we stand. even though she keeps telling me that we are not dating, i am with mr t. she acts differently; she does not let me go, she says i need time. but she keeps hugging me, kissing me and sometimes having sex with me even sleeping with me. the worst part is that she keeps telling me this won't change anything. i try to build something from those she says and those she does but i fail big time and i can't let her go either, i still love her so much. this feeling i am in, eating me up inside both physically and psychologically. i failed my semester in university totally. i lost 1/5 of my weight.3 days ago, i found a kind of love letter from g to mr.t she is saying that she was lost and he made her once again feel alive. she said that she makes him happy and safe. and she thanks to him, saying to him 'i love you'.i confronted her, and asked her what's this about. she did not deny it but she clearly stated that (i know it because she swore on her lost grandmother who she unconditionally loved and cared.) she is not in love with him. yet the fact is she is kissing him, holding his hand and but not having sex. this maybe because of mr.t .and his beliefs. i asked her billion times that where do we stand, i ask her do you love me, she says yes. i ask her do you want me, she says not right now and adds, i am happy with him.i love her, how can i allow this to happen ? i freak out, rage oftenly about this. if she doesnt love her, she needs his attention and his love ? i hate the idea of sharing her body, even her lips with a guy and i feel terrible she is acting like that, bouncing between me and him. i want her stable, happy and safe. if she wants his love, why is she asking me to wait, to be patient ? why does she keeps hugging me, smells my scent, lies next to me sleeps with my scent ? she wants me to be ok, but with what ? all i can think about is her and her well being but all i see is that she is with this guy. and she keeps telling me she misses me, when i tell her i am here just leave him she says no, she says she is still hurt and feels bad because of our past with m. but i wasn't even loving m for the last 1 year, i kept telling her that for 12 months, how can she say that to me ? she still thinks about just a "sex" with m that i had a year ago. it's just a "sex" that i "had" to, it's not making love !!! i am sick of saying it and sick of her not recognizing this fact.yesterday, she went to see mr.t again. they exchanged presents for 'happy' new year. i asked her what was the present, she smirked and said none of your business. i was thinking about a something simple. but the feeling grasped me again and i told her that "you say you don't love him, yet you are talking with him as my love, my dear, my beloved and you are okay with that. but i can't stand the fact what you are doing to me." she raged yelled at me asking what she is exactly doing to me. this guy, mr.t has a facebook, i sometimes sneak and look at his profile, it still says "interested in: women" not friendship, not man (which is obvious). i yelled at her "you so much care about details, how come you ignore this for 2 months !?" she said like a hundred time now "that's enough, i am with him not with you."so this messed up my mood once again, i got drunk early and forced myself celebrate the new year in bed, sleeping. me and our friends had earlier plan to do that night but i simply ignored them and g went along with them. before she went out, she came to my room, kissed me by the cheek and softly whispered to my ear, my love. but i remember this but i probably didn't have the energy to get up or the mood to say anything, earlier i asked her don't play with me and she said she is not.now, this morning, i woke up at 7 am. nobody is at home, i am all alone. i texted her where she is and how she is. She said she is fine and told me not to worry. But she did not tell me where she was.. i texted her again to find out her whereabouts but no reply came...we had a party at home last night, i cleared the place. and once again i was compelled to look at her room, we used to sleep together.. i found an empty swarowsky box, with a note in it: "i wish you best years and hope all your dreams come true, mr. t." a "honey" was written on the other page. and guess what, the present was a swarowsky necklace !! and she wore it yesterday as she leaves the house !! and her whereabouts !? is she at her friends or mr. t's ?so that's it, i am in a situation where no certain answers are given, no certainty at all. a total mess. one fact, a certainty is that i am living in the same house based on family acquaintances and some minor economical difficulties and moreover my hope that we will go back to the way it was once again. because no longer a factor "m" is present... yet she doesn't seem to break up with mr t. soon either... i should have gone back to my home country yet i am still staying for her, to help her focus on her last final exam, so we can go back together. it's like a bit clearing my conscience, last year i wasn't with her to support her on her finals and she got affected and flunked because of my absence. i am staying with the hopes of at least to clear my conscience with support. But i know, after all those things that i have suffered, witnessed or forced upon g, i still love her so very very much. So my question is, what's going/to happen and how should i endure this uncertainty without affecting her yet supporting her ?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, stuckintime10  +, writes (12 April 2011):
Follow the guys advice below me or you are definitely going to ruin yourself and her.
MAINLY stop fighting with her and stop saying to her what you did isn't as bad because you weren't in love with the other girl. You hurt her and you are only making it worse. She isn't being any better though. If you are going to stay living together at least stop fighting and stop having sex. You got to be strong about this and follow the guys advice below me.
A
male
reader, airwaterearthfirebender  +, writes (7 January 2011):
 Stopcryingyourheartout...sorry but you need to stop crying your heart out!
What exactly do you need to know?
Ever heard the saying 'actions speak louder than words'?
So, at the end of the day her actions speak louder than words. You and her reek of emotional problems. If she is still with another man even though you've given an ultimatum then what else can you do?
While I still stand by my original advice you seem intent on wanting to deal with this drama and indecisive woman despite the fact that you cheated on her and she feels like she can't trust you. She wants to be with you because you obviously had a connection but her mind is telling her she can't trust you and can't rely on you. You should be able to understand that considering you cheated on her. Sorry buddy, but there is no magical answer, cure, or solution to your situation once you've gone and royally messed it up the way you did.
Answer these questions?
What kind of character is with one guy while stringing along another guy? (answer- girl g who you blindly pursue)
What kind of guy would accept this baloney from a woman?
(answer - you, first you are a cheater and untrustworthy and now you've turned into a carpet allowing yourself to walked all over by a woman who is proving herself unworthy.)
How do you think you look as a prospective future partner? You said you're failing and/or flunked a year. She knows you're a cheater and/or at least were a cheater. And now she's walking all over you at will. And stop trying to make excuses about her behavior and how she's crying and how this tells you that she still cares for you blah blah blah. HER ACTIONS speak and as far as I understand she is still with the other guy. That she is still with this other guy is a big x in itself and why she is not worthy to pursue (in addition to the critical sabotage from you cheating).
Now frankly she is probably not ready to forgive you (who would blame her) but this still doesn't explain her being with this other guy do soon and essentially still emotionally involved with you. What does that tell you about her. Power to you if you are still intent on getting back together with her even though you now know this about her.
Again, I stick by my original advice (read it again frankly and think long and hard before you continue pursuing her) but the best I think you can do if you are intent on pursuing her is along the lines you already tried.
Have one last talk with her and then you need to leave things in her hands. Don't buy her anything or say anything cheesy or stupid and above all DO NOT GET MAD AT HER OR ANGRY AT HER OR SHOW ANY OF THESE CHARACTERISTICS. Don't give a strict ultimatum either. You will put it this way. Do it my way and you should come out with some respect for yourself, her, and maybe the both of you will learn something and perhaps how to see things from other people's perspectives.
First, you apologize sincerely for your mistake (your cheating), that you were deceitful, and that you regret it and wish you could take it back. Say that you are so sorry (which you are right?) for doing that and that you hurt her this way. Be sincere, but don't grovel, don't beg...she will see you as weak. Who wants a failing, begging, and cheating student boyfriend?
Second. Say you want her back and that it pains you and hurts you to see her with another man. Say you feel even worse in that you feel responsible for driving her away.
Third. Say that while you are sorry you can no longer continue this way. Say if there is one thing you learned it is that I don't want to be the other guy. It is not fair to you and Mr. T (her current boyfriend). As a result, say you don't think you should see each other or talk to each other anymore. It's not fair to her, to Mr. T, and you because your pain is too great. Say to her that she has the right to be happy and that she should have that opportunity with Mr. T without your intervention or complicating things. Say this is best for you and your emotional well being (you, not her) and that you cannot (under any circumstance) continue to see or talk to her while she is involved with someone else.
Fourth, say you're going to be taking a break from relationships for a while to focus on your studies (which you better) but that if things don't work out with Mr. T then she can call you.
The key here is that you clearly acknowledge your mistakes, your sorrow, and your regret. That you care (and dare I say love) for her but cannot be involved with her while she is involved with someone else. Remember, leave Mr. T alone. He's only there in large part because you cheated and proved unworthy and not trustful. He currently has more reason being with her than you do. Say you want to be with her but not under these circumstances (for the reasons mentioned).
She will hopefully begin to respect you more and see that you are on the road to having some self respect and respect for her while also respecting her current relationship and getting back to school work and focusing on your future. Then she will know that you will not be at her beckon call but still respecting her and the possibility of a future relationship with her.
If she calls you it better be to tell you she is no longer with Mr. T. If she is crazy enough to do this then you will ask if she would like to see you and go out on a simple date. Later, you tell her that if you want to consider a relationship that you want to take it slow and that you will do whatever she needs from you in order for you to regain her trust because you lost it once and don't ever want to lose it again. Don't do anything sexual with her for a good long while to prove to her that you are interested in her for reasons beyond sex.
If she doesn't call you within say 4 months then you will know it was not meant to be and maybe you will learn that she is not the only woman out there. If she does come back, then she will have chosen you.
If she does come back to you and things start to work and you cheat on her again...then may you rot in hell.
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A
male
reader, stopcryingyourheartout +, writes (1 January 2011):
stopcryingyourheartout is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwe were still close together, but when she said that what's gonna happen to me when she go to date with mr. t . after that i somehow snapped, i told her if you still wish to go on i am refusing to talk to you help you and such, i told her you will no longer my concern and added that if mr. t loves you that damn much, he can assist you. well, i tried finishing it with these sentences. after that i asked her several times that is she sure, she told me sadly that she has to, she is still feeling sad about me. i was gonna wait for her till her exam date. but i decided not to wait. i was going to give her a present but i harshly said that this is not my problem anymore, if mr. t wants or cares about you he can give that present himself. she kept silent, nodding at me saying all these things, sometimes replying me "ok, dear." as i was in my room, i've heard her crying in bathroom, couldnt hold myself rushed into the bathroom waiting at the door. after she got out, i said to her that i can't do this, i just love her so much. i said to her i know that she loves me too i can sense it, i can feel it. but how come she continues to bear this situation. she told me that she waited for 1 year. but i am sure of it that this situation is not the same, i was with her all the time supporting her and such, i was so sure that i care about her. she just kept remembering how "scumbag" i am. she kept telling me that she cannot do this to mr.t , even though she is not in love with him, kissing him and all makes her happy. she even tells me that he will not last. she just doesn't know when, and frankly she does not care. She started crying all of a sudden, and rushed in to the bathroom to puke. i made a stand, apparently i crushed her and now i am feeling miserable seeing her at this state. i can't leave her at this state now. and by the way, you are telling me to act with dignity. but what the hell are you talking about ? is love an agreement ? a pact ? after all this time i can say that dignity is not always balanced with love.I am once again asking you this, she still tells me that she will come back, she swears to me that she is not playing, and i know that this relation is not tainted because she just keeps crying after what i made a stand.So please, tell me a more reasonable, an original idea, a solution, not a frikkin textbook answer.
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A
female
reader, shiza  +, writes (1 January 2011):
hey buddy. now this is what a famous saying says"what you do comes back to you "but its a return with interst. she has made you realised how it feels when you hang around with 2 girls. playing with their emotions and finally dump one. she has done the same thing what you did with M &G .G has taught u a good lesson. forget G. she will never come back to you. finish your course. come back to ur home place. get married.all the best. time will heal every thing.
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A
male
reader, airwaterearthfirebender +, writes (1 January 2011):
Dude, I hate to put it this way but you are not ready for a relationship and neither is woman g. That you both have flunked a year in university proves that to me.
Before going any further, my advice to you is to forget about about girls g and m and focus on your education so that you can support yourself in the future. Perhaps that will give you some time to mature as an adult and gain some self esteem, integrity, and define for yourself a value system that you will live by.
Let's face it, you cheated on girl m with girl g and then you cheated on girl g with girl m. That makes you a bit of a scumbag in my opinion, gotta call it the way I see it. You try to rationalize it by saying you held off breaking up with girl m because of her MBA, seriously, from the sounds of it you are not gods gift to women. If you wanted things to have worked out best then you should have broken up with girl m the first time you started messing around with girl g. Still not ideal buy at least it would have left you with some decency/integrity.
So you went around and cheated on girl g...and you wonder why she can't trust you. Seriously dude, you communicated loud and clear by cheating that she cannot trust you. Again, my advice to you, move on. Leave girl g and m alone. If you pursue any of these women it will be to your demise IMO. These relationships have already been tainted by you. Wait some time, a good period of time, until you are no longer blinded by pussy.
You seem so obsessed that you wrote your life story here. While you messed up, girl g is proving she is no better. Assuming she could forgive you, the way she is treating you now you might as well be her play toy / whipping boy. Seriously, move on, there are no children or a marriage holding you back. Move on, if you meet someone knew, don't cheat. If she asks about your past, tell her you realized your mistakes and you have matured. Hopefully you will have. If you want to live with any self- respect and a chance at a truly fulfilling relationship then it needs to be based on trust and respect.
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