A
female
age
41-50,
*kneedshelp
writes:My boyfriend and I are finally dating after knowing each other for 8 years. We had a bit of a blurred relationship in the past where we were having sex but not officially together. We were both to blame. He says it was due to his social anxiety issues and not being confidant in saying what he wanted from me. Anyway that's a bit of background. My dilemma and question is that I think he may be gay and in denial and I am scared I will waste my life with him as he will realise he is gay and leave median the track. The reasons I think he is gay are as follows. I am keen to hear from gay guys out there too. 1. He is slightly not overly effeminate and has a slight lisp when he speaks and inflection of some words but his tone in general is masculine ie he says mmmmm yessss for eg. 2. He has never had a girlfriend except for me and he is over 30 and he does not share or open up about past sexual experiences. He even once made one up. He says it's his social anxiety issues growing up and he also suffers communication and emotional issues because of this 3. He loves cooking, reads about wine, knows brand names in home furnishings even down to tea sets. Loves those typical trendy gay furnishing stores where you hardly see any straight guys in. 4. He has recently started wresting which surprised me given he tends not to like contact with strangers. Am I being silly and stereotypical???? Our sex life is good and he seems very attracted to me and always initiates it. He doesn't seem to like me touching his anus though during sex and always shakes my hand off when I put my fingers there. Is this because he is so deep in denial he is resisting anything that will temp him down that path? I had confronted him once and he didn't seem overly defensive about it which made me more suspicious. If someone accused me if being lesbian I would want to know why. He also shrugged it off and said uh hmmm no you can take a look at my porn and see for yourself what I look at and what I like. Can someone help me. This is agonising!!!!
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 December 2011):
 I can believe that someone may not have dated much out of shyness, or stupidity, or whatever. So that wouldn't make him gay. Taken one by one, nothing would be a clear signal that he is gay. But, I can't avoid feeling that you may be right. Send the fire of hell on me (I'm a devil anyways), but I haven't met a straight guy who knows teaset brands by heart. You know, many men are basically cavemen in this sense. If the thing cuts, then it's called a knife and it's OK. It could be a stone ax or a knife, for all we know. You care about how hard the grip on it can be, in case you kill, erm, test it on that cousin of yours you hate anyways. But you don't really care much about teaset brands or furnishing the home. That is usually female territory.
Perhapsnot recommended that you hire a gay to help you with this. Perhaps yes, you should do it.
Even if he is not gay (which, for obvious reasons, he wouldn't tell you), you are suspecting him, and it would be best if you removed the doubt.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2011): YES you are being silly and stereotypical, good lord. God forbid a guy likes to cook...are you serious?? Educate yourself,sexual orientation is who you sleep with, not your hobbies or a lisp...wow.
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A
female
reader, bluecow  +, writes (9 December 2011):
 lol, someone better go tell gordon ramsay he is gay then, if liking wine and cooking are now "Gay pastimes".
lets think about this logically shall we?
1 - he has a speech impediment
The last time I checked this was not genetically linked to sexual preference.
2 - he is sexually inexperienced
Again, not something linked to homosexuality
3 - he likes shopping
Shock horror... unless he is chatting up the male store attendants you have nothing to worry about.
4 - he likes wine and cooking
see my gordon ramsay comment above.
5 - he has social relationship problems
Again not linked to homosexuality any more than it is linked to heterosexuality or bisexuality
6 - he doesnt like anal play
HE DOESNT LIKE ANAL PLAY. Simple as really. Many straight men enjoy anal play, many gay men enjoy anal play. Many straight men dont like anal play, many gay men (yes its true) dont like anal play.
7 - he denied being gay
he uses hetero porn and has denied being gay. As he has a healthy sexual life with you I doubt he even took you seriously!
8 - he started wrestling
WOW an obviously gay sport (can you detect the sarcasm?). To me it suggests he is becoming more confident in himself and working out whilst getting over some of his social anxieties.
Now after I have said all of this... he could still be gay, bi, or straight. BUT nothing of what you have said are any indicators of homosexuality.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (9 December 2011):
 There is nothing in your description of your boyfriend that would lead me to suspect he was gay. A lot of men and women have lisps. Some women have deep, smokey voices and some men have softer ones. Many men enjoy wine and fine dining. In wrestling the rules are clear and he knows exactly what to do and when to do it. Unlike most other social interractions where context is everything. You're making a big jump here. Let's pretend for a moment that he was gay but not ready to admit it. What's your plan? Hang around agonising and badgering him until he finally caves in and confirms it? Then what would you do? Keep hanging around demanding an explanation for why he didn't admit to it sooner? If you truly believe he is gay why are you still with him? Can you not make decisions for yourself?I really feel sorry for this guy. He has a history of anxiety and now his girlfriend has decided he's gay, studies his every move and questions his motives. If you thought he was nervous before, he's going to be a basket case by the time you're done with him.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot  +, writes (9 December 2011):
 He could be gay. This is what I suggest: if your gaydar isn't that great, I suggest asking a gay acquaintance or friend to give you the scoop. Let them hang out with you guys for a bit, you know, get to know him and they will be able to help you out. If you think someone is gay and you've been around gay people enough....chances are they are.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2011): YES you are being silly and stereotypical, good lord. God forbid a guy likes to cook...are you serious?? Educate yourself,sexual orientation is who you sleep with, not your hobbies or a lisp...wow.
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