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female
,
anonymous
writes: My Boy friend and I have been together for almost 2 years. We fight just like any other couple. A few weeks ago, he told me he found someone that he works with, attractive. Guys are visual so I had no problem with that. A few days ago, though, he informed me that since we've been fighting so much, that he is starting to like her. This is devastating to me...He said he wants to try and work it out with me, I just have no idea what to do. We live an hour away from each other, and he see's her at work often. I don't know how to handle the situation.
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reader, robinlovescena +, writes (10 November 2005):
 well, i would learn to trust him. guys say alot, but when do we ever listen, huh? Anyways, i would talk to him about him, and try to understand where he is coming from, while he tries to understand where you are coming from. Sit him down when you have the chance to, and just talk to him about what is going on. communication is the only way to go
good luck
~Robin~
aka advice gurl
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2005): Are you fighting over something important, or is it just bickering and hurt feelings? Sometimes relationships develop a cycle, where you're both expecting the other person to get angry and be harsh, so you start reacting almost in anticipation.
Talk to him and ask him if he thinks his feelings for you have honestly changed, or if it's just that things have been hard and he's feeling wistful, which is normal. If it's the first, and he really is comitted to trying to make things good between you two, ask him to do what he can to distance himself from the co-worker. Make him commit to that -- it's important.
Then there's your part of the deal. For the next month, no matter *what* he does or says, don't get mad. It will be hard - sometimes you'll want to throw things b/c you'll feel like you just have so much bottled up inside. But whatever you do, don't complain, don't criticize and simply refuse to argue. Always be the one to give in. Every time you see him, be happy to see him. Every time you talk to him, be happy to talk to him. DON'T ASK ABOUT THE GIRL AT THE OFFICE. Don't initiate any conversations about "the relationship".
Before I get attacked, let me say that I'm not advocating this position for the long-term -- that wouldn't work; relationships are about give and take. But for the next month, your focus is supposed to be on getting past the built up tensions that have been plaguing you and your boyfriend. It's to be expected that he'll still be annoyed with you at times, and that he'll try to get a rise out of you, even. Just don't do it. Be sugar sweet for ONE WHOLE MONTH, and then see where things are. You may very well find that you've gotten past a lot of your pent-up frustrations, and that your boyfriend isn't picking fights as much, either. It's worked for me ... give it a try.
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A
female
reader, Bewildered? +, writes (9 November 2005):
I find this posting a little more difficult than some I have seen on here you see- on the one hand I think at least he told you what is going on and what he is thinking at least he says nothing happened as yet.
On the other hand he is having feelings for another woman. I think that pehaps you need let him make up his own mind the last thing you need to do is be desperate to make him stay- desperation is not a attractive quality and your self respect is far more important to you than whether this man stays ( especially if its because he feels gulity etc) be straight with him tell him its not acceptable for him to spend so much time with this woman and that if he wants to keep things going he need to put his energy into that and not fantasing about some work collegue.
But overall what will be will be and you should be honest with yourself has this realtionship run its course? its sometimes easier to say goodbye now rather that another 2 years down the line if there is really no chance of this resolving itself.
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, beenthere +, writes (9 November 2005):
he wants to work at the relationship with you. do it if you still want to be with him. he must have realised there's something wrong between you and that's why he felt he was falling for someone else. he must love you or he would have just gone with this other woman. he's prepared to work with you. you should be happy with that. many women aren't that lucky to have a bloke who thinks like that
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