A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have very different ways of parenting. We are both relatively young and have not been blessed with much patience. We have a 3 year old daughter who is pretty hyper and defiant but I guess thats pretty normal for a child her age. She is also dealing with being a new big sister and having to share our attention. My husband has never really been affectionate towards our daughter. Im not sure if its just her since it hasnt been long enought to tell if he acts differently with our baby. He is a tough love person to the max, like I said he hardly shows her any affection at all but is super strict and will get her in trouble over the simplest thibgs. Im not saying our daughter is an angel but I understand and keep in mind that she herself is still a baby. I dont always agree with what he gets her in trouble over and try to remind him she is only 3 years old but as soon as I say something he shuts down. He shuts me up by saying okay whatever you say or he'll start an argument about how I think he is so horrible and I am against him and that he wont ever get her in trouble again. It has happened so mych that nowadays I just stay quiet but I feel bad for my daughter because if I dont stand up for her who will? He holds her to the behavior standard of a 7 year old. Today she was pulling on her brothers arm and my husband grabbed her by the arm and gently/playfully started dragging her in a little circle. He in no way was hurting her and even was smiling. He did end it by saying see your brother wouldnt like that and she didnt understand ge was playing and started crying. He got frustrated and upset and sat down. I told her he was playing and to hug him but she refused to give him a hug. He got upset and moved to the opposite end of the couch. My daughter sat next to me and i gave her a quick hug. He proceeded to tell me it was all my fault and that i baby her too much and that is why she wont hug him. I am seriously fed up with not being able to share my opinion about this. I love him and he is great in every other aspect but I live my children more hands down no question. Pleasee I need help from anyone who knows how I could possibly deal with this issue!! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2015): I understand that I shouldnt go against him in fromt of her but it sometimes feel like its a now or never situation because like I said everytime the subject comes up he gets defensive. He has just been getting so frustrated with her lately and I understand but he lets it affect his mood he just gets in a horrible mood and shuts down and ill tell him hey calm down and hell blow up on me saying that its my fault because I never discipline her and ill tell him dont bring me into it I just said calm down. I do discipline her! I really do she just challenges me more than him but I have alot more patience for it than he does and I dont let it ruin my whole day like he does. Its starting to cause friction between us and I dont understand it! How can our childs behaviour pull us apart? Arent children supposed to bring you together?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2015): You both have to work as a team. Don't coddle her during discipline, but have a system between you and your hubby when it's time for a time-out.
Three-year-old's have a pretty good grasp on language and reasonable understanding of what is right and what is wrong. You have to shield the younger-child from harm, as she may not realize what can actually injure him. If daddy tells her it's wrong and gently shows her why, insist that she tell her baby-brother she is sorry, and go give daddy a hug. Don't let her turn the tables and come to you; because she's manipulating you and negating daddy's discipline. You're making her turn on him for being a father. Keep doing that, and you will be the only parent by the time they're teenagers.
He should never rough-handle a child of any age. He should not discipline her when he is angry at her. He should calm himself, take a deep breath, then tell her firmly when she has done something wrong. If she cries, let her. She is asking you to side against his discipline; and she will be even worse, because she thinks she has your backup. Don't be sneaky and leave all the discipline up to daddy to keep her loving you. When she's older, she will become daddy's little girl; and you will be the witch she turns against. She will use him against you. Wait and see, it never fails.
You'll both learn as you go. There is no real rule, accept not to hit children or say harmful things to crush their self-esteem. If you don't have patience, you shouldn't have children. No one can test your patience more. Back him up when he tells her to stop doing bad things. Calm him down when he is overreacting in a quiet way, don't do it in-front of her. She will interpret your intervening means his discipline and correction is wrong or mean; because mommy said so. There has to be compromise between your styles. Not you be the good-cop all the time.
If she comes to you after discipline, ask her to hug daddy first; and you'll give her a big hug too. I come from a huge family. Huge! I've dealt with the terrible two's through 19, over and over and over. They will get the better of you, and you will learn to prevail. The hands-full kids got dumped on me when they needed a sitter with the patience to deal with them all. Sitters and nanny's don't stick around for the tough to handle kids.
They just want love, but need to know limits and guidelines.
They want structure to make them feel safe. If you're in control, it makes them feel safe and protected. You have to be consistent, or they'll call your bluff. They're pretty smart too! They'll turn you against each other.
Kids don't come with instructions; so they'll teach you what buttons to push to get their best behavior. Just when you think you know, they've grown another three-four inches and completely change. You'll see.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (2 May 2015):
 "Sounds" to me like you're dealing with THREE children... and they're not playing together very well....
I hope your B/F-sperm donor grows up soon....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 May 2015):
 You DO baby her. A robust 3 y.o. is perfectly capable of pulling a baby's arm out of its socket , so you have to put firm, non negotiable boundaries on stuff like that. And you can't waste too much time and diplomacy on negotiations on this kind of behaviour- you do not want to let the message pass that it's OK to touch her brother or other children in any other way than gestures of affection, and that too, it's best to wait until the other child is able to SHOW he likes to be held and touched in a certain way. No ifs and buts. At 3 , she can understand that perfectly; do not underestimate her.
I don't believe that she cried because she was scared of her dad,or because he looked angry ( he did not, he was smiling and a 3 year old is already quite ahead in interpreting body language ) Simply, ALL 3 years old HATE to be called out on their misbehaviours, and hate not being able to have things their way. She cried in frustration- and she SULKED in frustration, not out of some deep seated psychological drama. ( And by sulking ,guess what,she brought back the attention on herself , stealing the spotlight from her brother..... )
Anyway, even if you do not approve your husband's intervention / style and house rules, that should be discussed NOT on front of the children, and before anything specific happens. By " scolding " him in front of your kid, you are undermining his credibility and authorithy as a parent , you are making yourself alpha wolf of the pack, and him just like maybe an older brother, but not a father figure ;plus, you have probably already created a good cop / bad cop dynamics that the child, you can bet on that, is going to milk out to the max . I think this is what your husband his venting his exasperation about, although he too may have chosen, in this instance or others, an objectionable way to show it. But objectionable are just his ways, not the substance of the matter.
Agree on some basic rules ( like, say, no hitting ever, or no YELLING ever - although, with any rambunctious, defiant in fact ! , young kid, it's easy to guess you won't have a 100% success rate in following strictly this second rule... )., and for the rest, do not interfere.
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A
female
reader, LiveAnnLearn  +, writes (2 May 2015):
 It's a short story to draw conclusions from, and maybe not a good indicator of the whole picture, but it does seem to me like you are undermining his authority in front of her, which is never a good thing. In the future, if you object to something he did, better not to do it in front of the kids.I'm not sure how is he generally acting, and is his behavior something to correct. Is he really very tough love, or are you being too gentle maybe? :)Also, I work with preschoolers, and some of them I know have a mechanism of crying when they're told something they did was wrong. I don't think you should react to her crying in such situations by comforting her, because objectively what she did wasn't ok, and he was just telling her that, as you say gently and in no way injuring her. For all we know maybe she started crying because she got used to the fact that you won't get mad at her, and will even reward her if she does.Definitely talk to him, and as janniepeg wrote be a team, develop that kind of a parenting relationship, maybe even if it means that you are a good cop and he is a bad one, but talk before acting and once you criticize kids for something let them know it's something they really shouldn't be doing, and you both agree on that. Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 May 2015):
 YOU two need to sit down and talk strategy. (without her being around).
YOU do baby her. And you emasculate your husband in FRONT of your daughter.
WHILE you may not AGREE with his methods (the arm pulling I wouldn't agree with either) to PUT him down in front of your daughter show her that SHE can do what she wants and she doesn't HAVE to listen to her dad. You actually made her the "alpha" and your husband is "another kid". (and he ACTED like a BIG baby by moving away). ALL he had to do was take her hand and tell her that she HAS to be gentle with the baby. That the baby is not a toy or a doll, it's a tiny human being who NEEDS people to be gentle. THAT includes her. Then stroke the baby's arm and say:" like this, THIS is OK to touch the baby like this".
So SIT down and TALK parenting. Not just a I don't like when YOU do this/that.
BUT a how DO we deal with various situation. Time outs/ punishment/ rewards/ tantrums....
She is 3. Maybe she needs to be around other kids more and improve her on social skills.
Maybe a reward system is better for her than a punish system, that is something you two have to work out. Also I'd suggest your hubby starts spending some one-on-one time with her (you too) Like take her to the play ground or go out side for a walk/play. Not down the Mall for ice-cream, but ACTUAL play time. Or get her started in some baby gym/dance.
My husband is of the "spank them and they will be perfect" attitude - I don't believe hitting solves anything. So we too have VERY different parenting styles. He grew up with a single dad (and 5 brothers) and hitting, yelling was pretty "normal" for him. I grew up with parents who were a lot more mellow, who would talk things through with my brother and I. WE were spanked til maybe 6-7? After that, it was dialog.
We found a compromise. And it has worked. So it can work for you two as well.
A 3 year old is SMART. They may ONLY be 3, but they COMPREHEND a LOT more then most people give them credit for, so it IS imperative that you two have a "united" front.
So you BOTH need to learn to NOT correct these things IN FRONT of the kids. Take him to the side (or the kitchen) and tell him why you think you two should try a different method or why you don't agree. Because EVEN if you find a compromise there will WATS be times where EITHER of you do thing the other don't agree with.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 May 2015):
 Your husband and your daughter would be okay, even though his logic didn't make sense when he said she wouldn't hug him because you baby him. She didn't hug him because he seemed to be angry! The importance is not to emphasize who is right or who is wrong, as long as neither of you are abusive or overly lenient to the extreme. Parents don't have to agree with anything and when they don't, it is not a threat to the harmony of the family. In a school there are teachers who are more authoritarian while others are leisurely and relaxed. I believe kids can benefit from having different styles. Some gentleness combined with tough love. Children need to develop confidence at the same time push their limits to achieve their best. Your personality and your upbringing also determine how you would handle a child. I am a softie and I would never adopt a domineering attitude towards children. It would be fake.
Refuse to argue about this issue. At the end you are both good parents and no one should blame the other one for frustrations coming from child minding problems. Remember, you can still be the assertive one even when you don't bark out commands, and discipline all the time. Your husband, wanting to be in control on the outside, is unsure about his ways too. You two can complement each other and ask each other for advice. Be a team, not opponents.
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