A
female
age
36-40,
*020805
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. He is amazing in almost every way. We are so alike and we have so much fun together, and we have a passionate love life. I love him more than anything but recently I have begun to have doubts about our relationship. He has told me on more than one occasion that if we were to break up he would get over it and his life wouldnt stop, he wouldnt be devastated and he would find someone new. This alone makes me feel horrible since I can't imagine my life without him and have already talked about marriage ane kids with him. But the worst part of this is his reaction to my strong stance against him getting a bullet bike. I have anxiety problems which are pretty severe, I cannot imagine how it would affect me if he had one, especially since he speeds CONSTANTLY in a car. He told me he would choose the bike over me without a second thought. I am devastated by this, but all he says is I should have known him well enough to know this is what he will do if he had to make the choice. I dont want to be one of those girlfriends who tries to control my boyfriend, but I honestly can't see myself dealing with this if he got one. And I think he should consider how much pain it would put me through...I dont know what to do and am having panic attacks just thinking about it...help? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2011): Jmtmj is right about this being a strategy to maintain control in the relationship. However your boyfriend is not bluffing. He has made it very clear where you stand. He hasn't invested enough in you to worry about losing you.
He has stayed with you this long because he likes you well enough AND you have accepted his terms while having few if any of your own.
And like Abella says this Peter Pan attitude will not mature over time. Regardless of how old he is he will forever behave as self indulgent boy.
That won't prevent him from having a rigid code of conduct for you though. He'll be just mature enough to remind you of your obligations to the relationship when you have friends or interests he disapproves of.
The very worst thing you could do for yourself is to talk about marriage and kids or to tell him you can't imagine life without him. That allows him to feel even more confident and in control.
The more you care, the less he has to.
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (23 May 2011):
 What was the context of him telling you he'd get over you? Did you bring up the subject, or did he? That would have a big effect on how he meant it. Can you share the details on that?
As for the bike, let him get it. I could be wrong, but I think what he means is "If you tried to control me and stop me from getting a bike, I would realize I was not right about how you see this relationship. I value my freedom and independence, the same way you value yours, and expect the same respect for mine that I give you."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2011): in an emotionally healthy world, you shouldn't have panic attacks over this. a certain degree of hesitation and anxiety is normal. but not to that extent. therefore, to me, i could see his frustration over your reaction.
on the other hand...once again, in an emotionally perfect world, your boyfriend should never in a million years be that big of an asshole as to tell you that he'd choose a bike over you. he should respect you.
i think you're both acting slightly ridiculous.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (23 May 2011):
 your thrill seeker boyfriend obviously enjoys taking risks. But with his cavalier attitude towards your feelings he runs the risk of you having second thoughts.
He may be a lovely and exciting boy friend, but his words are not the ones to choose when talking to his lady.
Sure, I know, boys love their toys. You maybe even like the dare-devil in him. Despite your fears, it probably makes him seem exciting.
And no dare devil likes to be reminded of things like Paraplegia or head injury. To them the thrill of the risk excites them far more. They think they are invincible.
You really care about this guy.
But did you previously break up or threaten to break up? I only ask because of his uncompromising attitude to what would happen if you did break up. He is telling you that you are easily replaced?
That is not a very nice thing for a guy to say to a girl he claims he will marry.
And don't expect his dare-devil persona to lessen with age. As he gets closer to 40 he will still take risks, to prove he still can.
If you stay with him it would seem that you will be playing second fiddle to his hobbies and his toys. And to the expenditure it all entails.
Is that how you see a stable loving family where you can bring up children? Because he will want to show his children what Daddy can do. So expect 6 years olds clamouring to jump mounds of dirt, on their modified bikes.
Think what your life could become, if you continue in this relationship?
Ok, I agree, do Not try to Change a man - that is madness.
But why should you have to go through your life in fear of his latest stunt? And with your eyes held tight so you don't have to see the time/s he injuries himself?
If thrills and spills are not your idea of fun then perhaps you have to re-think your relationship with this guy who could 'easily replace you' if HE needed to?
In this instance please put yourself FIRST when you make your decisions.
After all that's what your guy does. He comes FIRST in his life, not you, sadly.
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A
female
reader, K020805 +, writes (23 May 2011):
K020805 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your feedback Jmtmj, I never considered those thoughts...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2011): You will lose your bf if you tell him what to do. He's a grown up and will spend his money the way he wants to. If it gives you so much anxiety, then find a new man who is less of a risk taker. It already sounds like your controlling, motherly attitude is grating on his nerves. Even if he did give in and not get the bike, he would hold alot of resentment towards you so either way, you won't win. How about supporting him in his interests and accepting him the way he is. If you can't do that, then end it or actually he probably will.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (23 May 2011):
 Walking the walk and talking the talk are two VERY different things. He's told you he would get over you if you were to breakup, that he wouldn't be devastated, that he'd find someone new, that he'd choose a bike over you... Yet after 3 years he's still with you.
Do you think that maybe the fact that he's even bothered to say these things to you that maybe he's just trying to maintain the status quo whereby he's the one in control in this relationship? He obviously doesn't like not being in control (at least from where I'm sitting). If he wants to buy a bike, let him buy a bike... I just can't help but wonder if you didn't have a problem with him doing this- whether he'd be so attracted to the idea...
Just my 2 cents.
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