A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. I love him dearly, and there is no question that he loves me. He's soon to be going through some life changes which include moving to another state (he's never been out of the state by himself before) for 3-5 years most likely. He tells me that he needs me and wants me, but that he is scared of commitment. I understand where he's coming from since relationships around him when he was growing up all failed, but since he tells me how great I am and whatnot, why he can't take a risk? He's committed to our relationship now, but he's afraid of a further step (i.e. a proposal) even though we used to talk about it throughout our relationship. He's insecure, and he tells me so, and I reassure him in regards to his feelings, but I don't know what to do about his commitment problem. He doesn't have any answers for me, which makes it harder. I want to stay - I know what I want and he's it! I've committed almost 2 years of my life to him! But is it worth it to hang around wondering if we'll eventually get married, or he'll be too afraid and we break up, or to end the relationship now? He doesn't know who he is yet (23yrs old), so he doesn't have any answers for me regarding our relationship. I'm committed and he says he is to this part of our relationship anyway, but am I just kidding myself? When we are apart, we are miserable without the other...but if he can't/won't commit further in our relationship, am I just kidding myself? He is a pessimist and I am an optimist, and I have no problem reassuring him. But who is going to reassure me? What do I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008): Thanks for your reply! And to answer/update my question - He is moving out of state, so yes it would be a long distance relationship, until I graduate from school in May and then would move down there with him. We'd obviously take trips back and forth to see the other, and talk on the phone to make things easier, but yes, I know the long distance relationship will be hard. His thought is that if we make it out of the long distance part, that we're meant to be... And yes, he really does love me, and I really love him. That's what makes things all the more difficult. He does want to work on "us" as a relationship, so perhaps I am worrying too much about a commitment and it is more a bit of a lack of patience..I just want to know he is and will be dedicated to making this work. I'd hate to be dragged along for nothing.
A
female
reader, Mistify  +, writes (8 October 2008):
 What a very tough situation...
Two years is a long time, and believe me, i know. Been there, done that (a couple of times) and bought the T-shirt.
Relationships that are meant to last however, are supposed to take a natural progression and yours for some reason is standing still. (Which makes it unnatural)
I worry about the fact that you say that HE is moving out of state.
Will it be a long distance relationship?
Because - just jumping the gun here a bit - if it is, you are in for a really rough ride. Long distance relationships are hard even if there are no insecurities / difficulties / issues.
On the other hand, he (and you) are still very very young.
It is completely natural for many guys at that age (and some older men) to not be completely clear on what he wants.
So - let me tell you something about childhood issues....
When you grow up - you have to leave those issues in the past. Forgive the people who hurt you / who set a bad example and move on with your life. We all carry some kind of scarring, but i believe it is a personal choice on how you allow these issues to affect you as an adult.
From your post (and i could be completely wrong) - i think that this guy might really love you, and be really fond of you. The question however you'll have to ask yourself, is:
Am I worth it? Am I worth it to him? Is he prepared to work on his issues / leave them in the past - FOR ME???
If for any reason, you think that the answer to any of the questions above might be NO - then i'm sad to say, but he's just not that into you....
You seem like a very special girl, so make sure that the guy in your life makes you feel special (in any which way) every day..........
Good luck girl,
Keep us updated
Love and Light
-M-
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008): I have the same problem with my boyfriend and he is 32. We have also been together for two years and I am right there with you wanting the proposal and security. He is not ready for all of that, so I have been wondering if I should leave him. We all have our time limits - what is yours? I have personally decided to stay with my boyfriend and just hope that one day he'll get over his fear. He says things like, "Why don't you quit smoking so we can be together longer?" ... and I want to say, "Propose to me so I will know for sure you want to be with me forever, then I might try to quit." ... But in my opinion, he is a very nice guy and the way this economy is, I am just going to stick with him, hope for the best, and continue loving him. The economy is so messed up right now and I do not have a stable job, so it is easier for us to live together and help each other out. He also takes me to do fun things all the time - why give that up? So, my advice to you is... if you really, really love him, stick with him a little longer. He is only 23, and most guys that young, just aren't ready for marriage. Again, I am not sure how long you want to wait on him, but I would give him at least another year or two. Then, hopefully the day will come where he says, "YES, this is the girl I want!" and then he'll propose. Good luck.
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