A
female
age
36-40,
*onfusedchinesegirl
writes:I am Chinese and I've been dating my secret indian bf of nearly 2 years . I told my parents about two years ago (I'm 21 now) that I was in love with him and my dad threatened to disown me. So I said I would think about and deal with it myself and they thought i would just get over it. But I couldn't resist-he was my first love and to me he was perfect. Hence the lies begun and I hated myself for it.2 days ago I bought up the subject again with my parents, hoping that with time, they would at least tried to look at things from my point of view and realise that this is not some stupid fling since it has lasted so long. Unfortunately, they flipped. Again Dad threantened to disown me if I married him, but also throw in killing himself/my bf/possibly me. My mom was in constant tears; she doesn't understand why with all the chinese boys around I would choose such an 'ugly and short' indian. I tried to talk to them about it: admist the angry screams and fist-shaking and my mom holding back my dad who was so angry he wanted to beat me to a pulp, I think they disapprove because a) it's shameful-most chinese people look down on marrying indians, b) they are afraid that I would not have a happy marriage (questionable treatment of women in indian culture), c) I don't know what real love is; I'm being manipulated by my bf who wants to use/abuse me. My reactions: a)My dad said he would put respect before my happiness and that he would rather I was alone all my life than to marry an indian. This makes my heart go cold. b)I agree that an interracial marriage will be tougher than a normal one, but I believe it could work. They think that it is too hard and i'll not be happy. They also think that I'm betraying my race by marrying below me. c)Having being with him for nearly 2 years, I don't agree with their last point (the manipulation), but I haven't been able to bring myself to quite saying that we have been dating, I'm afraid of the reaction. I just said that I loved and love him now and I would marry him in a sec if they approved. I don't really know what to do. I'm so angry with my father and so disappointed in his narrow-mindedness. I feel that I care less and less about him every day-we used to be so close but this has torn the family apart. Apart from all this, believe me, I loved my father so much-I thought he was superman. I used to try everything I can to please him cause he was a god. Now, I can't even stand to look at him or touch him; not after all the pain he has caused and all the hurtfull things he has uttered.Yet I also agree with how incredibly tough this whole thing will be, and thus how big a risk I would be taking with my bf (his family doesn't approve either). If it doesn't work out I would be utterly alone. Our relationship is not perfect and the critics from my father are not without fault; is he really worth hell and back? I can already see problems: how will we raise our children? who will look after them? (We are both very ambitious) Neither of us like housework/both of us are used to bossing people around and very stubborn...etc Would we work in a marriage? I would like to think so, but my father's words have put major doubts in my mind. I'm 100% sure it will work.What should I do? If I break up with him, the regret/anguish will keep on haunting me. I would have to shut out somebody who has been like family/best friend to me. I will no longer respect myself because I didn't have enough guts/ability to protect something I cherished so much. I will probably cease to care about anything, and resent my parents deeply.If I don't and carry on and eventually decide to marry him, I would hurt my parents terribly. I honestly believe my father when he says this may kill him. And the guilt of that would destroy me too. I am their only child; I am all that they have and despite everything, I know they do care for me. But is their love unconditional? I used to think so. I don't anymore. So is it really love?My father says I have become an inhumane, selfish person who thinks only of herself and not others? I know it's a bit extreme, but is there a grain of truth in it? Am I being overly self-indulgent? What is the right thing to do? Sacrifice my love now in the hope that because I'm young, I may love again? I want to do the mature thing, and make the best decision, for all.
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female
reader, RuniPersevera  +, writes (19 May 2018):
I have the same situation. Actually, we dated a month and he dumped me because of the fact that his friends and family all disapproved of me because of my race. But unlike your situation, he is not my first love. My boyfriend and I are both stubborn as can be and my parents know I DON'T BACK DOWN WHEN I BELIEVE IN MYSELF. For that reason, I am considered the black sheep of the family. My whole family. Like you I am 21 but he is 23 and I'm the brown one while he is Chinese/Viet. after 2-3 days after the breakup we got back together but told everyone we were "just friends" when that was not the case. We both met the family of the other as "friends". his parents love me and have accepted me as his girlfriend, his friends love me more than him and also accept me. My cousins in India love that he is actually good and makes me crazy happy. my mom's friends love him and already joke saying how is your hubby or when can we meet the son-in-law? The issue is my mom and dad. they know me and at the end would fight but honor me I know that but I'm scared they won't accept it for the first few days. I don't think with my heart but with logic, my heart, my soul, and my brain. I have a 5-year plan but we are almost at 6 months and we already are acting like a couple that has been married for years. so to you or to anyone dealing with interracial love, don't back down when you believe its true but also don't jump into it with your heart. emotions start the love but hard work, dedication, faithfulness, and love keep it going. Just like a car; the battery starts up the car but isnt the thing that keeps it going.Runi Persevera
A
male
reader, Rational  +, writes (11 December 2011):
Dear Lady,I am an Indian. You are silent on many other aspects. Are you strong enough to carry responsibility of a family? Is your b/f meant to be a responsible person? Well my point is - your parents object to his indianness or are there any other angles to their ultimatum? It is amusing to find so many of you "thump chest" to claim your "right" to make decision, but hate parents when they make a decision (to disown you!). Parents have their rights. Is not it? Do we as individuals have absolute right to make decisions that are harmful to us? Do our parents have struggled for 25-30 years to raise us only so that we can destroy ourselves by entering into terrible relationships? Parents have "right" to protest your actions.For every individual that you show me who has been disowned by parents, I can show you five others who did not - and made their parents regret it. Somehow the most incompetent, useless and good-for-nothig children are also the ones who enter into terrible relationship. But they want a buffer for the terrible cosequences that are in store for them and they want parents to "continue" to love them and provide emotional and even more so, financial support to you, your illgotten spouse and your children too. There are so many cases when such children come back to their parents "demanding money" or even confining those old and feeble parents to take away whatever little money/property they have kept for their old-age (with the spouses (that parents did not want in the first place) playing often the lead role!)(a)Decide to enter a relationship only when you are capable of shouldering responsibilities associated with it.(a)Make as far as possible, a choice that your parents will be happy for your own sake.(b) In case of any disagreement, accept your parents right to disagree with you or even "disown" you. (If five years later they still find you safe and happy they will most probably be happy that their worst fears were proved wrong!)(c) In case of bad conseuences, spare your parents by being away from them. You alone should face the consuences of your mistakes and idiocity.My best wishes to you!
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female
reader, MiaLovesSaber  +, writes (26 April 2011):
Hello. This is funny because, my situation is exactly like yours. Here's my story:I met my boyfriend online. I'm Chinese, he's Indian. Although both sides of our parents are liberal, I know my parents definitely won't like him. His situation is a bit more relaxed since his mom was a hindu and his dad an arab. Anywho, I know my parents will definitely flip but they wouldn't disown me. Yes, my boyfriend is super short (my height at 5'4"). Yes, he's darker than me. But so what? I want to embrace his culture at the same time, die knowing that I am a Chinese. Today, my father was talking about superpowers and he told my brother "Even if you don't want to speak Chinese, at least speak an indian language because these two countries are growing." I was so shocked to hear that. Yes, India and China had a war in 1962 but eh... no comment. I love my boyfriend not just because he is Indian but he is the one for me. Makes me all giggity, endures my pet peeves, my bad points, etc. That is what matters. I don't give a damn if he's Indian or not. He just happened to be one.... well actually I was attracted to Indian guys in the first place. So, yeah I'm 19. He is 26. I will be 21 when I marry him. Like your situation right? Haha. Also, I don't give a damn if he is muslim. Whatever religion it may be, I know God put us together because we can't even be apart without crying. Yes, I do love my parents but I know my rights. They don't stand in the way of my happiness. Mean to say but when parents die, you think you will be happy knowing you let your true love slip? Call it selfish but I know for the remaining years of my life till death, I want to be with my Indian man. Even though I am only 19, I know I will never meet a guy who clicks. I like spice, I like adventure and he gives it to me. He cares for me, he protects me. He told me wherever I go, he will go with me. That's more than enough to know he's a perfect man. So.. screw my parents. They will understand, I know it. And I will make them accept my bf because if they don't, they know they will lose me. That's something no parents want unless theyre those honor killing sickos. God bless
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2010): Hi Chinese girl..
i just read ur love story.
it was very sad. but only i can say just follow ur heart.like u my bf now he is Indian national.i never meet him but i love him so much.i only know him by chatting.like u my family would not allow me to marry him but i fight him and now i process all my document to come India soon... so i really understand what u feel now.fight ur love go with him.
i know u will hurt ur family but i know 1 day they can understand u..
dont give up follow ur heart..
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A
male
reader, mrdesai +, writes (1 January 2010):
You already know the score, original poster.You sacrifice your family for a fling that potentially leads to marriage.You disgrace your parents for this guy just...because.This is the problem with liberal ideology. just live for the moment. Your parents raised you from birth, your father and you were close, and you have potentially made a tragic choice which he disapproves.Had you learnt about the past 60 yr relations between China/India, perhaps that would shed some light on your thinking.You are a child, you are speaking not with wisdom, but with emotion. Your parents, much wiser and smarter than you, know the score.Unfortunately, your father implodes in a non-helpful manner, and injects racist arguments to augment his point.This of course has the counter-effect of his intent.Bottom line: you have to choose: your parents or him. His side has to chose as well. I am not advocating you marrying your own, I just think the situation is exasperated due to the Chinese/Indian mutual hatred.My advice: dump your BF due to the pressure, find someone your parents and you mutually approve of.Oh one more thing--and you should know this by now---never, ever marry your first bf. tastes change, things change, people change.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2009): Hi,I am Indian and my current boyfriend is white. My parents are really crazy. I got the threats etc everything. My mom even called the campus police on us and told my RHD that I was seeing a boy...and the rhd said there is nothing wrong in that. btw, that boy was my exboyfriend..not the one im with now.Let me tell you what I learnt. YOu DO NOT have to make the decision that this relationship you are in HAS TO BE THE ULTIMATE BEST REAL ONE. Relationships are a learning process - you are supposed to be with people and hopefully things work out. The fact that you have crazy chinese parents doesnt make it any different - it only makes it harder. So please, dont try to trick yourself into believe that this is a true one - because, god forbid, things change in the relationship (AS EVERY RELATIONSHIP CHANGES) you are going to feel like s**t and feel that you sacrificed your family (WhiCH Is unfair feeling)So number 1 - understand that this is a relationshp you want to be in, and whether you end up marrying the guy or not, you have a RIGHT to be in a relationshp that you choose. Secondy, your parents are NOT going to come around with words. You can talk talk talk talk talk talk, but dont expect to change them. You can only TELL THEM YOUR SIDE of the story and thats it. Whether they change or not, you really have to decide how you want to live your life and make your own decisions - with or without their support.It sucks, it REALLY REALLY sucks, but this is how A LOT OF children feel who have parents from the east. So also make sure you read a lot of stories on the internet (blogs etc) of other people going thru this s**t and no you are not the only one. --V
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female
reader, Starlights +, writes (4 July 2009):
 your still very young and altho u love your bf your parents feelings too should be considered.
im indian myself, and i can see wat commotion it can bring, but ive heard of a chinese indian couple who married and have a daughter and still going strong.
it all depends on the couple.
i think dont rush into anything, give dad a chance to calm down, be kind to him, in his eyes he's only trying to protect u from what he fears.
u have to follow your heart, and for u to know the right answer u have to give everything time and not rush into anything.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2009): As much as some parents would like to control every aspect of the lives of their offspring for their own grand schemes, each person has their own lives to live. Indeed, our parents may be important to each of us, but where do you draw the line of being chained to their demands and where do you break free from such limitations?A perceptive, empathetic, considerate, knowledgeable parent would 'allow' their offspring to experience the world while offer guidance as the moments come and go. Unfortunately, many parents do not bare such basic traits. My mother and father are also from Hong Kong. I am a first generation Canadian. In my youth, I had faced something similar to what you are facing now, in terms of threats and emotional blackmailing. Fortunately, as time passed and as I 'proved' that I am my own self, they gradually eased off on being demanding and controlling. What really helped was that I took control of my own choices in life and faced up to the effect of the good, the bad and the in-betweens resulting from them. On the surface, what I will say next, will look 'selfish' to many readers, I am sure. However, I will say it anyway and maybe, you can understand the concept without having me type up an entire encyclopedia of thoughts. The importance of your parents is top priority in the form of their welfare and security, BUT they DO NOT live your life. You live your life. The world they see is completely different than what you see and feel. They will never understand and never comprehend your sensations. Even if one day, you find out that this relationship with your Indian lover had failed, know that you took control of your life and gained the authority of living it, rather than handing it to others who only want their own schemes to turn out for their own egos. There is no such thing as "the best decision". Maturity is not solely measured by giving into the control and demand of others. Maturity is a moderation and balancing act socially and personally that connects you with those that are affected by your choices. Also, youth is 'over-rated'. My dear classmate that I had the opportunity to share classes with since my elementary school years and into our senior high school years, died of lung cancer a few years ago. He had one East-Indian girlfriend, whose parents forbade them to be together. They were awesome. Yet, such ethnic differences tore them apart and for what? Pride? Simply put: undeserved.
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A
male
reader, citic101  +, writes (1 July 2009):
 your family is very important. Dont get married respect your father and family . When this man is long gone out of your your family will still be there for you. I lived in HK for 9 yrs and so I think i have a little understanding my ex is Chinese and I am a gweilo.
Why get married at all your far to young to think about marriage. Live together.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009): That's a tough question.If I were you, I would just do what your heart feels is right.Do you truly love him? If so, does it matter what his race is?Then, there's the question of what your parents think. I would think that eventually, your parent's would come to accept your choices. Maybe not, but, remember, you are their daughter. And, they probably do love you enough to eventually accept you.Follow your heart.-Caleb
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