A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I have been browsing the internet for a solution to my problem but do not seem to be coming up with any.Where do I begin?. Here goes. My Fiance who I have been dating since I was 14 years old, now both in our mid to late 20s was involved in a car accident which has left him disabled. This happened 3 years ago and since then I am his carer, I look after his needs and I am there for him everyday. His mother helps out too and she gives me breaks to go about our business and hold down my part-time job. The family always tell me they do not know what he would do without me and he tells me that too.Mentally he is fine but physically he cannot do anything for himself - this brings me to the part where I feel like a horrible person for doing and saying this. Physically speaking we have not had sex since before the accident and it's not something he can do.. EVER!. Before the accident we had a very active sex life and I naturally have a very high sex drive.A few months ago the frustrations got the better of me and I placed an advert on Craigslist and hooked up with a random stranger for sex. The sex was incredible and filled a need. Since then I have met with the same guy twice a month when I am on a break or get time off from my boyfriend and meet this guy at his place or in a hotel just for sex. Nobody knows about it and there is no emotional attachment with this man. I have been doing it to feel a need and urge that I have.Problem is I am feeling so guilty and hate myself for betraying my fiance and his family. I don't know what to do, each time it happens I say it won't happen again and it does the frustration kills me.I will be there for my fiance and continue to take care of him and I cannot leave him. Just I don't know any suggestions or anything from someone similar or anyone really. I know I'm a horrible person for this.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (15 August 2012):
 Thanks so much for the update! I’m so glad you are moving on and yet able to stay in contact with him. Interesting that his mom didn’t want him at home with her but was more than willing to use you as a care provider… Glad you got out of the situation.
I am glad you helped arrange the care and will visit him too.. that shows GREAT maturity on your part.
Best of luck to you as you move forward with a clear conscience.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (15 August 2012):
 Thanks for the update, I'm glad to know you are doing well!! Sure it will take some time to get used to the "normalcy" but soon you will find a rhythm of your own and settle into a life for YOURSELF, not for anyone else! Glad to know you are working full time and also considering a post grad course. Trust me, there's nothing more fulfilling than studying all you can...take it from a full time PhD student!! Its a pity your ex's family are such a nightmare but that's really not your problem. Visit him as a friend but keep cutting it down gradually so that he is not emotionally dependent on you and also so that your life and doesn't revolve only around him. You should just be another friend, not the only person who cares for him.
All the best with the new beginning...enjoy your independence, embrace life, spend more time with your family, do all the things that you always wished to. Meanwhile I still suggest you take counselling because you need to be able to look at the past in an objective manner and move on to a next healthy relationship when the time comes, without any shadow of this relationship.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 August 2012):
 Wow! Thank you so much for that update. This is fantastic, and you are handling this spectacularly. I'm glad you're filling the void his absence brought by getting more work and looking at bettering yourself.
All of my good thoughts and best of luck to you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2012): Good to hear you're starting a new phase of life...it sounds difficult and I'm sure the decisions you made weren't easy at all. All that said, I think you were being pressured into making a decision for the convenience of his family and had you accepted it would have come from the wrong place and I think he would have picked up on that as well. No one wants to be pitied or be a chore.
I think it's wonderful that you want to be involved in his life. He'll likely be angry at you for a while as he adjusting to a whole new reality of himself, but I think once you two adjust to your new lives (and that might take a long time) things will be better.
Best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks once again for the comments and advise, such kind words.
Life has been crazy and very difficult few weeks, my fiance finally left my home a few days ago. It feels so strange not having him here. It's quiet and I'm still waking up during the night and early in the morning to tend to his needs even though he is not here. I guess it will take time to get use to having my own space and just time for myself in general.
I asked to go full time in work and my boss is happy to give me the extra hours so that is a start at least and I thinking of going back and doing another post grad course to keep me busy.
I haven't met the man I was meeting that is also out of my life too.
My fiance is not living with his parents, his mother didn't want the responsibility. He is now living in a convalescence home I helped arrange the care with his mother and they have taken that responsibility and the payments.
I will still visit him and if he wants take him out on days. I don't think I can abandon him completely, his family don't seem to care as much and I'll always be his friend and I'm afraid that is all I can offer:(.
I'm sad it ended like this but I am relieved I am getting my life back or at least trying to make a start with it.
Thanks again so much for the comments, helped me more than you can realise.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (28 July 2012):
Oh and I concur with anonymous123: disabilities do not excuse bad behavior. My mom cannot move any part of her body except her head and she stays upbeat, grateful and supportive of me and my dad. That's why he stayed with her and hasn't cheated on her. Had she been the bitter shell your boyfriend has become, I know things would have been different.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (28 July 2012):
OP, I'm so happy you're learning to stand up for yourself! Keep your supportive family close, you'll need them. Him biting you shows that resentment and bitterness are the only emotions he's got left. It's sad but not your responsibility to put up with. Please continue to fight for your right to live your own life and keep us updated!
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female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (27 July 2012):
Good for you OP, you're a wonderful person and you're finally standing up for yourself! Trust me, you don't have to go through this anymore, you and your ex are polar opposites. He is a horrible person who doesn't deserve you and no, I'm not going to be nice to someone just because they are disabled. In NO way does that give him a license to treat you the way he has been doing. He bites you because that is his defiant, insolent way of punishing you.
When are his parents taking him out of your place? How much longer is this going to continue?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Male Anonymous Reader,I am very sorry your wife treats you this way. I have never once mistreated him and right now I'm up working taking a 10 minute break because I was caring for him during the day and night. It's almost 4am and I'll go to bed at 5am and be up for 7am to start the day caring for him. Tonight while I was feeding him he bit me again. I wish he cared for me, I wish he had of showing me affection I may not of strayed. He knows I did now and I have been honest with him. Not once have I neglected him, I take him out and where ever he wants to go, I am not ashamed to walk with him or wheel him why would I be?. If the shoe was on the other foot my family would of taken care of me and he would of forgotten me by now. I know I'm lucky I survived the crash without any physical harm but emotionally I am a wreck. I don't think your wife is treating you fairly, if you can have a loving relationship and physical one and have spent such a long time together it's sad it has turned out this way. I just wish everything works out for you.I know I cannot continue living like this nor should you have to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2012): I had a sever siezure 9 years ago, I can say I relate somewhat.. But I to have issues with sex my wife of 25 years and 30 years of being together wont have sex with me anymore. she wont even walk near me in a store while i'm in a wheel chair, she rarely textes me. has left me several times in agonizing pain, as I asked for help and she just left the house...
I cannot say whats right or wrong..
I just ask you to look at it from both perspectives not just your own.
if the shoe was on the other foot, hwo would you feel if the same happened to you and he was having sex behind your back..
Again I applaud you for sticking around Lord knows mine is here because she has a house and a comfortable lifestyle from years of my company..
and yes I understand the need for affection and can relate to your dilema of needing intamacy or just sex..
Trust me its driving him Crazy he cant anymore..
But It perplexes me that women can have sex and rationalize it, Im sure men do also..
at some point its either you tell him or completely stop seeing other men.
Trust me on this, I found out my wife was having sex with other men and not me and It almost killed me I totally shut down and was almost forced to take food thru a tube..
I dont know what to tell you,,, Life dealt both you and him a set of cards, either you walk away, or you commit and love him...
If he finds out like i did he might succeed in being suicidal. luckily at the time i had no use of either arm nor my legs. I have partail use now
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female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (26 July 2012):
I am SO unbelievably glad that you have finally decided to see the real picture!! It does not make you a cold hearted botch, it makes you a normal, sensible person who has the logic and ability to see situations as they are.
The crux of the matter lies in that one statement of yours and that is what we had been saying all along..."His mother really does not want the responsibility of him at all". That is what its all about. She isn't a mother OP, she's a horrible, heartless woman who doesn't even understand the plight of her own son and hence we cannot expect her to have any sympathy or gratitude towards you. You have to stand up for yourself because if you don't then she will just walk all over you, like she has been doing, dump her son on you and gradually sever all ties with you. She wanted to reduce herself to being just the occasional visitor who has no responsibility whatsoever so that she would have nothing to do with either of you. She was grooming you to become the maid/nurse and you had walked right into the trap.
Your ex fiance is a mirror image of his mother...he's also an incredibly bitter, disgusting man who doesn't deserve you at all. He was also just using you all along and treating you as if you were responsible for whatever has happened to him. I have no words really, its extremely unfortunate that you should have met this man and come across his family.
Anyway, now that its all over, please stay strong and make sure your family stands by you. If you ever feel silly and think you're being cold hearted and feel sorry for your ex, please come here on Dear Cupid and we'll snap you right out of it.
You are not doing anything wrong, in fact for the first time in many years you are actually doing something right. You are standing up for yourself. This is the biggest favor you can ever do for yourself. I still suggest you get some counselling, don't ever indulge in unsafe sex again with strangers and with time, you will get yourself a wonderful man who truly deserves you and who you will be very happy with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for the kind words of support and advise. I had not heard kind or nice words for quite some time or encouragement. It's almost Thursday and the last few days have been quite horrific. I came back from my parents and talked with them and some friends, my mother came back with me to stay for a few days to support me when they are there.She ended up in a serious argument with my fiance mother and gave her a few home truths I guess. His mother told mine she had no right being in MY HOME or interfering with things. My fiance is no longer my fiance but I'm in the habit of still saying it. We agreed it wasn't a real relationship and that I have been just existing not living. His mother really does not want the responsibility of him at all and she is incredibly bitter about things, his father told me he understood where I was coming from so I may have some support there.The advise that was given I have taken on board. I told his mother I will continue to care for him until the end of August so they can prepare different arrangements. I have agreed I will still be his friend and try and help out as much as I can. I just cant be his carer anymore not under these circumstances. I know they are furious with me and I know my now ex fiance is not happy with the situation either and he takes it out by trying to bite me when I'm feeding him. I cannot do it for much longer so hopefully they will arrange something if not I will have to arrange convalescence care myself. I don't want to sound like a cold hearted bitch and I still do care very much for him and his well fair, I may be getting out but my friendship will always be there for him.Thanks once again for your answers everyone, you have no idea the impact it has made on me where my own family or friends could not speak to me or convince.Appreciated very much: )
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 July 2012):
There is nothing I can add to what all the other wise and oh so more eloquent aunts have said. I just want to add my support to theirs and say we are all pulling for you OP
Ask your family to help you figure out how to get him out of your house... sadly eviction in my state is difficult if a person lives somewhere... you can't just put them out...
but you should get your family to help... get a lawyer if necessary... draw up legal paperwork with a vacate order and a date he must be out or your putting him out and changing the locks....
it's going to be very very ugly on their part.... they will do everything in their power to keep you since you are their indentured servant as far as they are concerned.
you truly do have "survivor's guilt" and a good therapist can help you work through that.
Stay strong
come here and continue to get the support to do what you need to do.
this family of his is horrible and using you and abusing you...
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (20 July 2012):
OP, please call your family and ask them to come to you if his mother won't let you go to them (which is so unfair and mean of her). You need someone to stand in your corner and back you up. I can say with confidence that every person who has replied to this thread would not hesitate to help you out when asked, and for me this is the first time I've wished I could be there in person instead of typing this stuff behind a computer.
You have to understand what's happened here. You were involved in a tragic car accident that you had no fault in and suffer from survivor's guilt (very common). Instead of supporting you, his family took advantage of that guilt to brainwash you into thinking that by being unharmed and being his girlfriend up to that point, you should be the one to take care of him. His mom is even bullying you into a marriage you do not want!
Don't you see how warped this all is? You should have received counseling and his mother should have arranged for qualified carers like nurses or get him into a special care facility. That's how it's supposed to go. That's how everyone gets to live their life without having to be crushed under pressure.
Your disabled boyfriend has become a bitter shell of a human being, a black hole that sucks everything dry until nothing is left but misery and pain. The simple truth is that not everyone is mentally strong enough to deal with disabilities like these. Some people get to new heights through their disability and become extraordinary, inspirational people. But many others become the opposite of that. They become bitter and they stop living until they just...exist. I believe your boyfriend is one of those and staying with him will do him no good and it'll only do you harm.
OP, even if you were to commit yourself to this impossible situation his mom set up for you, there's no way you could keep it up forever. No-one can, not without losing themselves.
If you want to keep the house you need to get him out of it. But you can't and shouldn't face this on your own, not when his mom has her entire family rallying behind her. It's not a fair fight, OP. You're exhausted. And they're not ready to give up this sweet deal they got going. They could control you for so long, they're not going to let go before trying to regain that control and have their submissive slave back again. This sounds over the top but it's not. You are a modern day slave, OP. You're sacrificing yourself for people who are not worth it.
Like all the others here, I'm usually really hard on cheaters. But your situation is the exception OP. You're human and in your situation I can definitely see myself going astray as well.
Don't be so hard on yourself. His family should feel guilty and ashamed of themselves, not you. PLEASE PLEASE get support!
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female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (20 July 2012):
Reading each response of yours is like fitting the missing pieces of the jigsaw puzzle, one at a time. First things first. His family cannot and I repeat CANNOT treat you in this way. It is your home and your life and you are not a bonded laborer. This is probably the first time you have dared to speak up and they are furious at this but they had better deal with this now because you should not keep silent any longer. Enough is enough. I didnt even know what slapper and I looked it up online...I am aghast because I cannot believe that anyone can stoop this low. I am at a loss for words because never has a question invoked this kind of a frustration in me!!
Anyway coming to your fiance, if he doesn't want to live with his parents, that's his problem, not yours. Just too bad for him. He doesn't want to live with them because he knows that he will never find another slave like you. Bur remember, you are not responsible for his wants and needs. Please get that into your head. He CANNOT stay with you any more because you have done enough, you have a life which you are being denied and you are being kept as a slave in your own home!! He bit your fingers when you were feeding him....I agree with YouWish, this man is abusing you physically (emotionally and mental abuse aside!!) even though he is disabled!! What's he going to do next? Spit on you? Man I am speechless!! Not only is the family a nightmare, this is the boyfriend whom you are giving your LIFE up for, this man who doesnt give a damn about you, who only thinks about himself and what he wants and who is now abusing you for speaking up!! OP wake up, PLEASE wake up and see what is going on here!! There has to be a limit to the abuse that a person can undertake!
You mentioned that his mother refused to come over for the weekend when you wanted to go meet your family...tell me which mother would do that? I mean, cant you see their true colors now? They don't love their son, they don't care about you, they are not concerned with anything as long as their needs are met. You don't have to be a saint and take their son off their hands just because they are washing their hands off all responsibility and even if you did, there had to be some kind of a relationship between you and their son to sustain you. In your case there is none! You are a slave to him and his family, nothing else.
Look OP, I know you feel guilty about the fact that you survived the accident but be rational about it, in no way was it your fault! You need counselling and you need it NOW because you have been reduced to a mess. You hold yourself responsible for the entire debacle, you think you are responsible for your fiance, you feel that since you were the only one in the car who was safe, its your responsibility to pay the price for your luck and serve your boyfriend for the rest of your life. But trust me, it not your fault in ANY way and you are not wrong.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (20 July 2012):
Man, I've been on here for two years, and I've never ever seen a question on here that's evoked the kind of emotional response that yours has. I literally thought about this one off and on today, and if I had met you in real life, I would have been doing everything I could to offer to help you.
You were in the car, lost a friend, and your boyfriend was disabled. You're so lucky to be alive. I know you feel survivor's guilt and that it could have been you and not him. Don't feel guilty that you walked away. It doesn't obligate you for life just because you were fortunate.
This guy bit your fingers. Even disabled, he abuses you. Yes, he heard you cheated on him and got upset. But, what were you supposed to do? He could have been emotionally warm to you all of these past years. My aunt married a quadriplegic and was with him for years until he passed away, and she always says that their love was the deepest she ever experienced. I met him...he was the warmest man I've ever met, and he changed her life so profoundly for the better. My point is that your fiance may be disabled physically, but there is nothing wrong with his mind, and he's showing you neither physical nor emotional affection. He's just existing.
As for you cheating and forgiving yourself, again, if there was any situation I have ever encountered that would make me break from my traditional contempt for cheaters, it's you. Sure, you could have talked to him before it happened and told him what you need. But I think this was a cry for help from you. Don't be so hard on yourself, because I'm not judging you. Your selflessness has been nearly Mother Teresa level with this guy.
As for you "not being entirely blameless" regarding the cheating..again, I can't even bring myself to look unfavorably towards you for this, and believe me, this is a definite first. I'm seeing the good in the bad here. This is actually breaking you out of your prison if you continue to stand your ground here. You're not to blame for the situation you're in. You were forced into full-time caregiving after an accident you yourself were also in, caregiving that includes feeding, cleaning up urine and excrement, basically a 20-something infant. I'm surprised you lasted this long.
This brings me to the house and his family. You already know they don't care about how you feel. Given that this house is yours and you can support yourself, I think it's time you serve them notice to have him move back to his mom's and call it quits with him. Because he is disabled, I think you should give him up to 30 days so that they can get the mom's house rigged to care for him. Him not wanting to live there isn't a good enough reason for you not to set it in motion, especially if he's now physically hurting you while feeding him.
His family have given you no support. His sister calling you "slapper" was low (I had to look it up, because I've never heard that term, living in the U.S.). They still see your fiance as a victim and your cheating as kicking him while he's down. The problem is, his mind is perfectly fine. They stuck you, who isn't married to him, with the responsiblity that should have rested on the family. You, NOT being married to him, are made to answer to them for your life. This is not cool. The state allows 10 hours, but what if he's in a long-term care center? Wouldn't you think that a man who can't care for himself and has no one to care for him would be left alone? It doesn't all fall on you is what I'm saying. If you were not there, and if something happened to his family and he were alone, your health system would care for him and preserve his life.
Stay strong. This fight with you and his family was long overdue. You're going to face more ire from them, so just brace yourself. But you must stand strong. It was good that you insisted on seeing your family. This time, don't make excuses on why you need to stay where you are. Have them help you get out of it. Give his family and him a definite notice (i.e. 30 days or so) to prepare to take him in, and then make the move. They're going to have to call his siblings to help shoulder the burden of their brother, and maybe his mom will have to consider a care facility for him. This change could be the best thing for him, as he's stuck in depression living with you. It may be a blessing in disguise.
As for you, once you have your life back, you're probably not going to know what to do with yourself at first! Reconnect with old friends. Make some new ones. Talk to your family and go on outings with them again. Eventually, you'll be free to date again when you're ready! Your boyfriend wasn't the only one who hasn't healed from the accident. You were traumatized too and haven't yet healed, only for you, it's emotional healing you need.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you once again for your responses. They have been very helpful and have made me see it from a different perspective.
Things have got much worse since admitting everything, his parents were at my house this morning and his sister came along with them, all hell broke lose and they wanted to know what will happen and if I am leaving for good. His sister was incredibly aggressive with me and I tried to reason with her but she would not listen to my side of things. I am a "slapper" according to her and cheapened myself, maybe I did.
Some of the questions that were asked.
The house belongs to me, it is in my name and my fiance was just living with me he has no name or entitlement to my home. I don't really want to give up my home or sell, I have worked hard for it and it's in a nice area. I have a good job and sometimes work at home through VPN so that would give me time with him. I am use to working with statistics and numbers, solving problems but I guess I am not being logical where emotional support is needed or my life. Easier to write or solve an equation. I can afford to live on my own and support myself, that is not a concern for me. My concern is my fiance and his needs now, he said tonight he does not want to live with his parents. He wants to stay here, he is angry with me though and when I was feeding him he bit my fingers. It took all my strength and will power not to cry and walk out. I told him how I was feeling and that I don't know if I am emotionally prepared to give up everything. When I look at my peers having babies I feel envy, have always wanted to be a mother if this persists I know what will never happen.
His family were impossible to speak to today. I just felt like I was put through a ring with them and was so tired had not got the energy to fight back. I told them I cannot do all of this on my own anymore but I will give it a few days and told his mother she needs to be here over the weekend as I need to see my family and talk to them about things. His mother initially said no but I told her she had to be I was going anyway so she will be here and after the weekend when I have had a chance to discuss it with my parents and family/friends I'll tell her what is going to happen. I just need their support to go through with it and my parents there with me because I know they will beat me down and make me stay with it.
Another question was who was driving, neither my boyfriend nor I our mutual friend was driving and sadly lost his life. For some miracle I survived with just bruising and I have no complications or any serious disability mentally or physically. If I believed in a higher power I would say someone was looking out for me.
I know I am not entirely blameless and I will never forgive myself for cheating on him. I am sorry it came to that. I know I was reckless and I at times feel like I am having a nervous breakdown, whatever that it.
Thank you for the responses, it really has helped me so much!
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (19 July 2012):
 I would not have confessed to the clandenstine meetings because I think it will do more harm than good. However what's done is done.
There are different kinds of intimacy most of which can be satisfied by friends and family. If you had more of that you'd be less hungry for the romantic/sexual kind.
You're overextended, and isolated from those who would support you. If you're not ready to assert yourself with her (or any of his kin) then all the more reason to keep your friends and family close by. You don't have to do it alone. Have your mum and dad with you when yuo speak to her.
One suggestion is to change your cell phone number and give the new one only to your family and, if you absoultely have to, a couple of your closest friends. NO ONE else, including his family, who have already abused the priviledge. There is no reason why everyone should be able to reach you everywhere you are everytime. His mother can call 999 if there is an emergency. And his sister isn't lifting a finger or spending her own money to look after her brother so what possible emergency could she have that she would need your cell phone number?
Suround yourself with people who will support you. Not only will it satisfy your need for intimacy and connection but it will be harder for anyone to bully you. I was prepared to give his mother considerable benefit of the doubt. I hadn't realised she was that difficult and it sounds as though you'll need all the help and support you can get.
Friends and family can also visit you at your home. You don't always have to go out. It's good to get away and you will need that from time to time, but don't deny yourself the affection just because you're too tired to go out. Stay home and let them come to you once in a while.
It is very, very important that you look after yuorself. The fact that your fiance has suffered a permanent crippling injury does not mean you must pamper him and neglect yourself. You are as important as he is. Your happiness and your well being matter every bit as much as his does. His family has their own time, their own space, and their own ambitions which have been uninterrupted by this tragedy.
You have a lot of power here that you aren't using. Your fiance and his family are not entitled to all the sacrifices you're making. It is not a birthright. It is a gift, one that must be appreciated. And one that can be revoked at any time. You might want to remind them of that. Use whatever leverage you have and stop worrying about their opinions.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (19 July 2012):
You did the right thing by telling them, and I know it wasn't easy. His reaction was very telling. He doesn't care if you go take care of yourself sexually, and his opinion is all that matters here, which brings us to an even more crucial issue:
He cares if you're there taking care of you, but he doesn't care about you being in the relationship. You said yourself that his mind is perfectly fine, and if he disdains all expressions of emotion from you, then what real relationship is there? Emotionally, he doesn't care if you stay or leave, except that you being there makes his quality of life better.
You're pretty much engaged only because his mom wants you to be, as increasing your obligation benefits her and her family. She takes care of 10 hours, while you handle the other 23 hours per day with him. It's telling that *she* and her daughter are more upset at you than your fiance. Your actions threatened their little system of caregiving.
You say that you own the house and pay the mortgage on it? Whose name is the house in? It's outfitted to take care of this guy? Here's the thing -- you need to give the mom notice that you are wanting out of this arrangement. Give her the opportunity to buy the house from you. Otherwise, you can sell the house on the market and have them arrange their son's means of living on their own.
His mom has really not done right by you. She is using you and giving no thought to your life or your sacrifice. She's the one trying to arrange your marriage and future (more of the same), and your fiance doesn't care to discuss your future. He needs professional help, as he is in deep depression, and keeping things the way they are is actually hurting him, not helping him.
If the house isn't in your name, then why are you paying the mortgage? Is it because given your part-time job, you couldn't afford to live on your own? This would be the time to move out, get support from your own family, and look for a FULL-time job. You need a career. You need to be independent. You need support yourself.
You've known this guy since you were 14, so part of this is that you know no other life, and in your formative years, you allowed his mom to have much more control over you than she should. The fact that this guy was your first everything also keeps you trapped emotionally with no way of knowing how to get out of it.
Your relationship with the mom and sister being in tatters is actually advantageous for you if you want to get out. Now is the time. Your fiance doesn't care emotionally if you stay or leave. His mom tried to throw you out! That's good! You have the "out" from her now. Talk to your family about getting out, and if you want to be honorable, serve them notice (two weeks or a month) that you're quitting this caregiver position. Make arrangements to either sell the house, or have them buy you out of it if more than your name is on there. If it's your fiance's name and not yours, then you shouldn't pay another nickel into the mortgage, as if something were to happen to him, legally you'd get ZERO equity.
Can you talk to someone you know outside of this situation to help you see logistically what to do? You need out, and you need help to get out. Your family wants to see you happy. You need a life again, and your fiance and his family are taking everything and giving nothing.
Now is the time. Don't be afraid of change. it's going to get harder before it gets easier, and you need support! You might want to talk to someone professional too to deal with the emotional aspect of this, because your thought patterns and actions are similar to those you'd find in long-term survivors of religious cults. You need help!
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reader, maverick494 +, writes (19 July 2012):
I wholeheartedly agree with Anonymous123 here. You need to get out of this unhealthy situation, away from him and his family. (Or more accurately, he needs to leave your home and live somewhere else and his family needs to butt out of your life.)
I've been giving advice on DC for quite a while now and not many questions here stay with me, but yours did so much I even discussed it with my disabled mom. She said you should get out and that no-one dependent on someone else would want that person to be as unhappy and exhausted as you are. My mom is actually the one who helped get through to my dad that I should be granted to live my own life the way I want to.
You seem to be giving up and accepting that this is your fate. But it's not up to his family to decide that for you. In fact, it's THEIR responsibility to take care of him, he's their family, not yours. The whole reason for this marriage is to bind you to him. That's not love, that's slavery. They're tying this whole tragic situation like a noose around your neck. Their reaction to you coming clean shows what they are. They don't care about you, they never have. They just want you to be their consenting puppet who'll do what is asked, and what is asked of you is out of line.
OP, you don't have any obligations to him or them. That person you got together with when you were 14, that person you loved, he's long gone. He died in the accident and all that remains is an empty shell. It's horrible, but you giving up your life to stay with him won't change it or make it better. It'll just make you miserable.
It's time to take action OP. Please contact your own family and tell them about this. Tell them and ask them to help you. Please get a support system. Blow off the wedding, get rid of it all and when you're done you'll find you can finally breathe for the first time in 3 years. You are not a bad person. You are a person who cracked in an impossible situation. You need to look out for yourself before it gets worse.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2012): OP that was the first step: and it is a step closer to taking control of your own life. Try not to care about the name calling...that is the usual reaction.
Please book a counselling session starting immediately: its time you made head or tail of this situation.
Regarding the accident:
You mention you feel guilt that you basically escaped not too badly injured/affected:
So you were also involved in that accident: who was driving the vehicle at the time of the accident?
LoveGirl
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reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (19 July 2012):
You do know what you have done, right? You have become submissive to such an extent that now some women has the audacity and the cheek to try and throw you out of your OWN house and his sister is calling you names!
Look OP, this has to stop and we can holler all we want but ultimately its upon YOU to put an end to this nonsense. Your relationship with your fiance is not a relationship, its abuse. He doesn't care about you, he doesn't care what you do or where you get your needs met as long as you can take care of him. His mother is just using you and you have been reduced to not just a maid but a slave. Stop this abuse once and for all, let him move back in with his mother because you have done enough for him. Time to lead your own life. You know OP, there is a difference between being nice and being downright stupid and you have crossed that line a long time ago. You have allowed yourself to be treated like this and now you are on the path of ruining your own life. Having sex with strangers is very risky, to say the very least. It doesn't matter if the man in question is a doctor or an astronaut, at the end of the day he is a stranger whom you know nothing about.
Please take charge of your life. This man has to live with his own family or anywhere else but not with you. Que sara sara is not the answer to anything, in fact that's the worst thing that he can tell you after all that you've been doing for him! End it and end it NOW, you are not responsible for this man.
You have been with him since you were 14 but his family is his since the moment he was conceived. Tell me now who has a greater responsibility towards him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for the responses, it has helped me quite a lot. I talked to his mother and told her what I did:(... She was hysterical and tried to throw me out of my own home. She did not take anything on board and I did apologies for my indiscretions and explained why I strayed away in the best possible way and I tried to be sensitive. She left very angry and furious, since then I have had numerous calls and texts messages from his sister calling me names. I understand why they are angry I was dishonest. I don't like to make excuses for my behaviour but I am not usually a liar or cheat in any normal circumstances.
I talked to my fiance and explained how I was feeling, I confessed what I did and he didn't seem to care, told me to do what I needed to do and he understands and if I want out just go, although he said he prefers if I am there. I'm beginning to think it would be a relief for him.
To address some of the questions...
My fiance lived in my house before the accident I bought the house but he was just living here, so it is mine.
Yes he knows I miss intimacy but since the accident he does not want any kind of intimacy even if I kiss him on the forehead he does not like it. I talked to him about it before but he just shrugged it off.
I was allocated 10 hours a week from a caring agency which the states funds. The 10 hours are while I am working, the other 10 hours I work his mother is there with him.
I don't have much spare time - I am at work, then come home and I am with him. I cannot remember the last time I went out with my friends or family and I think they have got fed up of asking me because I don't go because I am too tired.
The relationship with his mother can be strained, she is a very dominant woman and likes to have control. I am quiet spoken and unassuming I guess. The relationship with her now after confessing is in tatters.
I cannot see him moving in with her, I don't even know how he came back here it just happened. I cannot say how, when it just seemed like I was caught up in everything and felt guilty for coming out without anything seriously wrong with me. We were living together and it just happened without care or thought and maybe I am to blame.
My fiance can be cold with me at times and its hard to communicate with him about my wants or needs. His is quite basic and I try my best to do what he needs and keep him occupied and happy. He understands but just does not seem to care. He refuses to discuss the future with me or plan,he just says que sera sera...
I never thought of myself as being used until posters mentioned it. I don't want to resent anyone or become bitter or angry. I know meeting a random stranger off craigslist was stupid and it was just one guy. The guy in question is a young doctor who works long hours and doesn't want a relationship and no strings attached suited him too. I last met with him two weeks ago, I didn't want to emotionally cheat on my fiance if that makes sense and I have had offers from some or his/our mutual friends and refused them in case of an emotional attachment. I know I physically cheated but I still love him even if that sounds messed up.
I want to be there for my fiance as best as I can I don't want to abandon him but I am not sure how long I can live like this. Not sure how this is going to go or what will happen tomorrow with his mother and family I am not looking forward to waking up in the morning:(
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reader, YouWish +, writes (18 July 2012):
I'm definitely with Anonymous123 on this one big time. I reread your initial post in the new light of your followup post, and you've been really dumped on by that family. He should be at his mom's, and his brothers and sisters should be his primary care, not you. You're being used by that family, and your needs aren't even being addressed, and that's not just talking about sex. You're being forced to live as a live-in nurse with no life, and you get no breaks unless his mother "gives" you one. You didn't sign up for this!
He needs professional care. You aren't doing him any good by this arrangement, and you're in real trouble if you don't stand up for yourself. You are not married to him, so why are you funding his living??? Why isn't he living with his mom???
Why are you having conversations about cheating and your relationship with her son with HER?? He's disabled, but aren't you in a relationship with HIM, not HER?
You're also neglecting your own family. You said yourself that they are getting annoyed that you see them exhausted and are too tired to be with them. They have a point. You're not married to this guy you're taking care of.
You have put in your time, OP. Any sense of guilt or ongoing responsibility has been discharged. You've more than paid your dues. It's time for his own family to step up and for you to get out of this situation as fast as possible. You're ruining your career by restricting it because of his care. You're ruining your social life by being too exhausted to have one. You're straining your own family relationship, which should take absolute priority over being a caregiver, and you are being railroaded into a lifelong commitment in chains not by your fiance, but by his family for selfish reasons.
You will actually be doing your fiance some good by ending this. He needs professional care and therapy, and you need to move on before you break, and you taking out risky Craigslist ads for sex (you could have been killed!) is a sign that you are cracking!
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reader, maverick494 +, writes (18 July 2012):
As tragic as it is what happened to him, it would be even more tragic if your life is ruined along with it, while you have a chance to live differently.
From your follow-up it doesn't seem like his family has his best interest at heart at all, just their own. They're basically dumping him with you so they can live their life the way they want. That's not fair, OP. Like some others pointed out, you're being used here. They should invest in extra caregivers to keep the load off everyone's shoulders or he should be in a special facility.
Tell your family about your feelings and concerns and get yourself a support system, otherwise it's going to be his family rallying against you. His mom is going to guilt trip the hell out of you, OP. She's not going to understand because it means her perfect plan won't work. I think it's very sad for her son that his mom just seems to want to get rid of him.
OP, you're going to have to be strong. You are a nice person, probably someone who doesn't want to hurt anyone, someone who wants to do the right thing. But the right thing sometimes means looking out for yourself. Don't sacrifice your life so easily.
Please get support, be it friends, family, a counselor. You shouldn't face this on your own.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2012): Thank you for your updates OP. It has provided more clarity.
A few questions from me:
What is your bf/fiances expectation from you?
His family seem to be more interested in their own lives and cannot even spare proper time for him. Do they also expect you to be the primary caregiver for him for life?
Were you living together prior to the accident?
Does he receive any state financial assistance or do you provide for most of his upkeep? You mentioned that his mum helps out some.
When you are at work do you have a person who tends to your fiance? A nurse or domestic worker?
Your spare time? Do you spend it with friends and family? Going out girly nights?
What is the TRUE state of your relationship with his mother?
Have you investigated any frail care facility?
What is the likelihood of your fiance moving in with his mother?
What exactly are the communication level bet yourself and him? Does he have mental capacity to understand and comprehend?
Do you ever discuss the future with him?
LoveGirl
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reader, Geriatric Emo  +, writes (18 July 2012):
 As an afterthought, I'd consider showing his mother this page. It doesn't sound like his family have an awful lot of perspective on the situation, and seeing some of the impartial but strong views given here should force them to realise just how difficult things are for you.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 July 2012):
If you talk to his mother she is going to lay such a massive guilt trip on you it will strip you of any strength you have gained here… WHY is this man not living with his family?
WHY are you the primary caregiver for a man you are not related to? WOW are THEY USING YOU!
The ones that should feel GUILTY are them!
I agree 100% with Anonyous123! YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS USE AND ABUSE!
What you say to his mom is “he has to come live with you NOW” just STOP the INSANITY.
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reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (18 July 2012):
This is preposterous!! His mom who is apparently so concerned about her son doesnt even keep him at her place!! Oh My GOD!! OP what are you doing and what the hell have you gotten yourself into? Why did you even allow this arrangement? The woman has DUMPED her son on you, forced an engagement so that you cant even wriggle out and now you are the one who's the receiving end of everything!!
Talk to the mother and put an end to this nonsense right now!! No, his upkeep and care is NOT and I repeat NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. You can care for him from a friend's perspective but you are in no way supposed to be the primary caregiver and put your life on hold while his immediate family are washing their hands off all responsibility! Dont be such a pushover, please wake up and put your foot down.
Your family is right, he needs professional care. His family chip in with what you cannot afford...what is that about??!! They should be the ones paying for EVERYTHING!!
Honestly I've never been this worked up about any question here on DC!! OP you need to explain to the mom that this has gone on for too long and now its time for you to lead your life. If you continue this way then you will grow to detest your boyfriend one day and I see that happening very soon. His family needs to take over NOW and there has to be a solution to this. You do not have to feel guilty about leading your life the way you want to, nor about your sexual desires. You have done enough.
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reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (18 July 2012):
Firstly stop the guilt, you needed to do what you did just to keep going. I don't think many, or any, of us can really relate to your situation. Even though you weren't married the bond and commitment is still there.
Have you thought about the future? Is occasional sex going to be enough? Does your fiance say anything on the topic of your sexual needs?
At university I had a prof who was paraplegic, he arranged his students to have sex with his wife but eventually forced her to leave him so she could have the life he thought she deserved.
There are no rules for you here. Talk with him, his family, your family. All you can promise is to do what you can but there is a limit. Even though you are trying to be an angel you are a person and there is only so much you can do. You have my heartfelt support for whatever you decide.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for more contributions. Helped me to see a bit more clearly. I will have a talk with his mother, she is coming over in an hour. My fiance is sleeping now so will give us time to talk about things and I will come clean about everything and what I did to her. I don't expect her to understand.
I don't know if I can end it because he depends on me for so much, his brother and sister hardly visit maybe twice or three times a month and for half an hour at the most. His sister just had a baby so she is extra busy these days. He lives with me and the house has been adapted for him, I have a good job and studied hard so can pay the mortgage and bills with part-time earnings. His parents help with some expenses for him that I cannot meet.
My mother has suggested to his parents that he needs more professional help and to in a convalescence home but arguments were had and it was not pretty (none involved myself or my fiance). My family are supportive of what I want but get annoyed because I am always so tired they help out more than his brother or sister.
I know I have to be honest about what I did because the guilt is eating me up and I am losing sleep, I cannot eat and just feel stressed out by it. I never cheated on him before the accident and i was 2 1/2 years after the accident , I have only ever been with my fiance and this man I have met on a few occasions. I'll talk to his mother first and see what happens from there.
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reader, maverick494 +, writes (18 July 2012):
OP, you're not a douche. Growing up with a now severely disabled mom I see the effect it has on the people around, including myself. My mom is still clear of mind and can still talk normally, so that's a plus. My dad is still with her because she is the love of his life. But most importantly he's with her because she's still who she was back then, despite her disabilities (=paralyzed from the neck down.)
Your situation is entirely different because you are being guilted into marrying him. I understand his mom's POV, but she's putting you in an impossible situation. If you do not look out for yourself you will live no life, OP. I have seen people who give up their lives for others, and when those they care for die they have nothing left but old age.
You have to ask yourself if you're prepared to do this. I know I wouldn't be. It is not your responsibility, to be honest. My dad used to put a lot of my mom's care in my hands, making it practically impossible for me to have a normal youth because I was always bound to home. At 20 I expressed my desire to leave home and live my life the way I want it and my dad finally arranged for extra care. At 24 I still help out sometimes (financially and physically) but I can live my life the way I want it now and I finally have some freedom.
OP, no-one is going to put you first, so you'll have to do it. That's not being a douche. That's being reasonable. You owe them nothing. You've been there long enough. Imagine yourself 20 years from now being married to this man and ask yourself if that's the life you want. You have a right to live, and his family has no right to condemn you for it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2012): Firstly, I would just like to say that I really, really feel for you. Life is very unfair sometimes.
I don't feel you should tell your fiance about the cheating. It will only add to his misery and feelings of inadequacy.
I also feel things are going to get worse before they get better. Eventually, whether it be tomorrow or in 5 years time you are going to realize that you can't look after someone for the next 50 years of their life, that's not your responsibility. You are young and have your own life to live.
The guilt may be horrible at first, but don't let it be your burden.
Best of luck to you
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 July 2012):
Op, your update says a lot…
He’s really very very disabled both physically and with a brain injury… You were NOT engaged but his MOTHER wanted it so that SHE would have HELP caring for this very disabled man.
I personally do not think that you OWE him anything… He is NOT the man you grew up with or loved….. I can understand the whole guilt thing..
Marriage vows “in sickness and in health” are one thing… but being bullied into agreeing to an engagement out of guilt is WRONG.
While it will be very very painful for you to do what I’m going to suggest, I really strongly think that you should
a. Get into some private counseling (alone) to help you figure out how to deal with the guilt you have. You have “survivor’s guilt” you are feeling guilty that you are healthy and want to leave… and that’s NORMAL… a good therapist can help you work through this guilt… it’s normal but not necessary.
b. Figure out your exit strategy and how to cope with the extra guilt that his MOM will lay on you when you let her know that you have to end this charade of a relationship. You are nothing more than a caregiver now…
Of course the other option is to go to him and give him the option of you staying with him in name only… and that you will take lovers and companions as needed… he will not like that but it’s the honest thing to do.
The problem is 5, 10, 15 or even 20 years from now…will you still be ok being shackled to this man. You don’t love who he is now. You love who he was. You are in love with a dream that can never happen… and as you get older and angrier and stronger you will leave…. Better to leave now….
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reader, Geriatric Emo +, writes (18 July 2012):
I once knew someone who was in precisely your situation. She ignored her own 'needs' for several years until she ended up having a drunken encounter with a work colleague. Unlike you, her husband's family caught her in the act. It was ugly, but they came round pretty quickly afterwards and forgave her. They understood the sacrifices she had made for so long, and accepted that she was still young and had her own life to lead.
Whether you deem it acceptable to remain as his carer while fulfilling your sexual desires elsewhere is up to you. But either way, I would advise against sneaking around behind his back any longer. Sit his mother down and have a calm but serious talk about the situation with her. Awkward though that will be, it's preferable to carrying on secretly and getting 'busted'. If you've been totally honest with them, they can't really hold it against you, and you may find them more sympathetic than expected.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2012): Was there any counselling after the accident? For BOTH of you?Yes you miss intimacy: Did u tell your fiance this? Really speak to him? Does he suffer from depression?Have you tried a vibrator. Sometimes its better than the real thing! I don't condone cheating whatever the circumstances. However I know just how hard this is and you are living a nightmare right now. As cruel as it is you need to speak to your fiance. You also need to tell him that he needs to try becoming emotionally bonded again. If your fiances upper body is fine, what is stopping HIM from pleasuring you orally? Buy some toys and make it an event? This is one of life cruel fates. Not good for you or your fiance. What decision have you made exactly: to end the cheating or to come clean with the fiance or to leave the fiance???LoveGirl
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reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (18 July 2012):
I have to agree with YouWish, while I too abhor cheating with my heart and soul, I guess your case is an exception. I am really sorry for you because you are trapped in a relationship and in a conflict between love and lust. Its a nightmare of a choice.
Now to come to the problem, I dont think you were wrong. Yes it is wrong to cheat but in your case you are trapped in a relationship where there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
Look I dont want to sound insensitive but its not your place to be taking care of the guy. Sorry but that's what I believe. There is no reason why you should put YOUR life on hold for someone else, for eternity. I think it was very wrong of his mother to ask you to get engaged to her son, yes she is in the worst position possible but that does not mean that she should expect you to give your life up for her son. I also understand that you feel you are bound to this guy because you were together since you were 14 but this is an exceptional situation.
Think logically and rationally about all of this. What does your family have to say? What do your parents think about this? Are they fine with the fact that their daughter is going to be the caretaker this man for life? Where is the money coming from?
Look OP, emotions and relationships do matter, in fact they matter more than anything else but you don't have to sacrifice your life for that. You can move ahead, have a proper relationship with another man, even get married to someone else and yet care for your disabled boyfriend or ex, as the case might be. You don't have to be bound to him to take care of him. I know its not an ideal situation for the people involved but what can you do about it?
You cant stop having sex because its very, very difficult to accept celibacy till the end of your life, which is what you are expected to do, if you remain with this guy. Be practical OP, its not the question of a month or two, its your entire LIFE. If you have sex in this way on the sly, then you will just be hurting yourself more and more because the few seconds of orgasm will bring with them a deluge of guilt and misery and come to think of it, its not even your fault yet you're feeling this way.
Have a talk with the mother and explain the situation to her. Please remember that you have a life to lead too and you are NOT a horrible person for thinking this way. I don't think anyone is capable of making this big a sacrifice, and I understand that things would have been different if you were married but you're not. Please have a talk with his mother and also with your boyfriend, explain that while it breaks your heart, you too have to move on with your life and all of this is taking its toll on you. You can still take care of him as a friend, not as a girlfriend. You will always be there for him and you can never forget him but you have to make a life for yourself too and this his mother should understand. Actually she should have told you all this herself and I dont care what anyone says, she is the one making things difficult. Its not anyone's responsibility to take care of her son and if someone is doing it then she should be eternally grateful and not expect any more out of it. Sorry if I'm being heartless here but being a mother she should also consider the fact that you are also someone's daughter. Would she have allowed her OWN daughter to put her life on hold permanently for her boyfriend?
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reader, Ciar +, writes (18 July 2012):
I submitted my second answer before I saw your follow up.
His mother did not suggest you marry because she thinks it will be good for the two of you, but because she thinks it will be good for the two of THEM.
Her son, having already lost so much would not face yet another heartbreak. And she would have someone to help look after him so she isn't left doing it alone and to ensure he's taken care of long after she's gone.
She's living through every mother's second worst nightmare and there is no waking from it. So I don't faul her. She's grieving and she's scared. But she is also looking out for HERself and HER son and your needs and your hopes for your own future seem to be overlooked by everyone here.
If your decision to marry is motivated by guilt or a sense of obligation then you're marrying for the wrong reasons. A marriage is a partnership and there is more to it than just bed pans and sponge baths. YouWish is right in that you don't have to be his wife to help look after him. And teenage intentions are not binding. Circumstances have changed and it is understandable if choices change as well.
Clearly your needs are not being met under the current conditions and your attempts to meet them are only producing even more guilt. Expecting someone so young to commit the rest of her life to being the primary financial supporter and caregiver (you may not be now but as his wife you will be) of someone so severely disabled is unreasonable.
I think you should speak to your family.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (18 July 2012):
I would feel differently about this if he were already your husband, but he's not, and you haven't made a vow to be a live-in nurse for him. The fact that you had to go behind his back to sleep with some random Craigslist ad underscores that you're not going to hold up for life with this guy.
I never thought I'd say this about anyone who has ever cheated before, but I'm not entirely without sympathy for you here, and those who have read my posts on here know that I abhor and detest cheating with every fiber of my being and am particularly harsh on those who either cheat or are the accomplice to cheating.
I think you're trapped, and it breaks my heart that you're feeling trapped. You have the pressure of him, his family, your sense of guilt and the fact that you do, in fact, care for him.
There are only two ways out of this for you.
The first is the break-up, where you call the relationship/fiance aspect quits and remain friends. Again, this relationship breaks the rule that exes can't be friends, because I think you can keep a friendship and an emotional lifeline to him even if you make the break from him. You would need to change the nature of your relationship from heading towards marriage to good friend.
The second is the open relationship. This would be a harder choice, but I think that if you really do care for him and want to move ahead toward marriage, you should have extracurricular sexual activity be open, honest, and above board. It'll be a tough conversation, but I think you need to have the conversation about an open relationship. I know if I were to become disabled like that, I'd be okay with my husband having an open situation under certain conditions, of course.
I agree that you should let him know what you did on Craigslist. The open relationship conversation should have taken place before you went on Craigslist, but it didn't, and you should own up to it.
It's hard to advise you, but I think since you aren't like the Japanese wife that Janniepeg referred to, I don't think you're able to handle a lifetime commitment of celibacy to this guy, and I think you don't have the calling to care for this guy for the rest of your life.
You're not a horrible person. You wouldn't be a horrible person if you were to end the "fiance" aspect of the relationship and remained friends either. It beats cheating on him continuously, and truthfully, you're not married to him. There is no "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health" vow to uphold.
Either change the nature of your relationship (i.e. break up and continue a friendship of platonic care), or request an open relationship where outside sexual encounters are allowed, but you can't continue to cheat behind his back, and you can't pledge 100% lifelong celibacy if your frustrations are leading you to cheat in the first place.
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reader, Ciar +, writes (18 July 2012):
By the way, I didn't mean that as an endorsement of this secret fling. Just that it isn't for us to judge you and that I think you are a bit quick to judge yourself harshly.
I do recommend that you carefully evaluate some of your choices, including the one to marry a man you'll have to care for for to this degree the rest of your life. If you're already making secret arrangements with others then perhaps you haven't been honest with yourself about what you really want. You might be staying with your fiance out of some sense obligation. Nothing wrong with marrying him and yuo can still have a very fulfilling life together, but that KIND of life may not be for you and IF it isn't you need to be truthful with yourself (and then with him) about that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have thought about telling him but I know emotionally he is not in a good place. I have no intimacy with him anymore, no hugs or kisses, he can talk but his speech is slurred and he drools so I have to clean that up. He told me has no desire or want for sex, he cannot anyway. He has his limbs and it is more severe than the Nick Vujicic guy.
We got engaged after the accident, his mothers idea and he asked me, I couldn't refuse we have been together since I was 14 and before the accident planned to anyway. I miss him I really miss him and remember how he was. I know he is not the same person anymore and part of cheating is missing the intimacy that we shared. Oh well such is life. Just have to quit being a douche and get on with it.
Thank you for the contributions, Much appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2012): It sounds like pretty awful dilemma. Guilt aside, I think you have to ask yourself whether you want to have a guilt-free sex life or if you want to be a carer for what is essentially now a companion more than a mate. I also have to ask when you got engaged?....I only hope it wasn't after the accident.
If he can no longer have sex and there's no hope for him to recover, it must be something that's on his mind as well. He might feel inadequate, he might already suspect or expect you to cheat. He might even be accepting of the idea that you see people sexually while maintaining a devoted relationship with him.
I'd suggest you talk about it directly with him to see how he feels about it. You might also seek advice on the web from people in the same situation. You can't be the first person to have gone through this. He's lost the ability to have sex, but I don't think it's fair that you have sacrifice sex because of his accident.
All that said, if you tell him you want to marry him and then you sleep with other people, I think he deserves to know he's been cheated on...you might be surprised how that kind of conflict might clear the air for him and for you.
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (18 July 2012):
 I am actually thinking whether you should tell your fiance. If you don't, you feel sneaky and conscience will torture you. If you do, your fiance would probably approve of it, because what else could he do? He will secretly sulk but he doesn't want to deprive you of a sexual life. He is disabled, still he feels good when you kiss him and hug him. Will the knowledge that you are having sex make him shut down and not want any kind of intimacy with you? It's a catch 22 situation. That alone would make me rethink about marrying him. You either devote your life to Christ, forget about human passion, or you end the relationship and fulfill your desires with another person. Nick Vujicic, the guy born without limbs and now an inspirational speaker, got married to a beautiful Japanese woman and they travel everywhere. Love does transcend everything. Confidence helps. If your fiance has a positive outlook on life, rather than feeling he is useless now, it will have an impact on your decision. Physical disabled people can also be an inspiration. Your relationship to him should feel like a calling, and not because you are stuck in guilt.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2012): "I will be there for my fiance and continue to take care of him and I cannot leave him."
No you won't and yes you can, eventually. The grind of devoting your existence to caring for an invalid "fiance" whom you will likely never marry will inevitably take its toll. You're not a horrible person, just a young woman whose future was instantly and dramatically altered due to tragic circumstances beyond your control and you are adrift in the aftermath. Realistically, boyfriend can live another forty-fifty years; realistically, you can't expect to remain his selfless caregiver for that long, sacrificing your life while receiving nothing tangible in return.
He is no longer the man he was while you are still the woman you were. You've already taken first step by having random hookups, you'll soon be wanting and needing more fulfillment.
Sad story, worse than if he had died, life you planned will never happen and no way to move on gracefully.
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reader, Ciar +, writes (18 July 2012):
If you insist on judging yourself when you fall short of your mark then must also balance it with credit where credit is due.
What you're doing, caring for someone who can't do anything for themselves is no small thing. You don't need me to tell you that. And if you're planning on marrying him that tells me you're prepared to continue caring for his every need for the rest of your life. That requires some big sacrifices on your part, including future children.
I think you're being unfairly harsh with yourself. If this arrangement gives you what you need to allow you to take on this big responsibility then it isn't for us or anyone else (including your fiance and his family) to condemn you.
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