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anonymous
writes: I'm 19 this year, and my boyfriend is 22. After dating for one month plus, I found out that he's not a virgin. I came from a conservative family and I'm quite bothered by it. I don't know what should I do now. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, eyeamnicegirl  +, writes (16 August 2012):
 Here's my take on it. It's time to grow up. I get the "he's been with someone else" thing. You have a touch of that even if you have been with other people, too. The reason I say it is time to grow up is that now you are dating guys over the age of 20, and probably soon over the age of 25, the odds of finding a virgin are maybe 2%. And the odds of finding a virgin guy that you would actually want to kiss are even lower than that. It is the reality of our fallen world; the vast majority of people over the age 20 have done the deed already. It is good that you have been able to hold out, more power to you. Just realize that by age 20, well over 90% of both men and women have had sex, even if only one time just because they wanted to see what it was like (and most liked it, so they have done it more than just once). So, if you want to continue to date in the future, you will just have to accept him as he is, and dealing with the fact that some girl got his virginity before he met you is part of life. Odds are that all these years later, some guy has now had the pleasure of taking your virginity, and now the next guy you date has to deal with your "history." It doesn't make you less of a person, just someone who might not be totally perfect -- trust me, guys will be happy to day you based on the overall "you," and your virginity or lack thereof won't really have much impact on whether they want to date you (guys have already dealt with the reality that most women over 20 have done the deed).
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2011): My boyfriend and I are 4 years apart and have been friends since childhood. Throughout my teen years we had always really liked each other however I was always 4 years younger so it became illegal. He dated throughout highschool and college while we kept our friendship going strong. After my first year of college we both found ourselves single and ready to give it a shot. I had found out that as he had liked me throughout highschool he had also lost his virginity to his ex a year prior. I have always said the past is the past and that I forgave him however it is something that creeps up in the back of my head. Thoughts that someone else has been closer to him than I have, someone has had more intimate moments with him and connected with him in ways I have not. I have chosen to wait till marriage to give someone my V card but knowing that someone has already taken his kinda sucks. Knowing that when and if we do decide to be intimate someday, that someone had already experienced that with him and wondering if he had done that stuff prior with her will probably be in the back of my mind. Time has gone by and I have had some conversations with him about his past. He looked me in the eyes and began to cry. He said that he wishes more than anything he had something that special to give me. That at the time it was temporary pleasure but for him the guilt still carries with him. He said his biggest fear is that whoever he marries will be thinking about how he was intimate with someone else and that he has failed her before he even began. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "That time I was so selfish I wished it was you. In my head it was always you, it had always been you and I wish I had saved my best for you. You are incredible and deserved my best and that is something I will always carry with me."So now I am at a point where I can either allow it to wedge a gap in between my only love, my best friend and myself. A gap that will tear us down and apart and leave us both hurt and broken. Or I can give it to God and completely let it go. Forgive him and know that even in the most difficult times of doubt or hurt that I have my best friend by my side through thick and thin. We all mess up somewhere along the line. The question is, is the relation important enough to let it go and hold on to what matters most. Because the one thing you have that any past girl or ex-partner doesn't his heart and his forever.
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reader, monyx +, writes (10 March 2011):
i know exactly what you feel, but im 16 and my boyfriend is 17. We have benn dating 3 months know and i just figured out he isn't a virgin anymore yesterday. I can help it, but he says he loves me, and well .... i guess its all it matters right? if you feel uncomfortable, just talk it out with him. you feel lot better aboout it :)
but i have a question myself:
my boyfriend was in drugs and had lots of it and as well lost his virginity with many women and he won't tell me even if ask, what should i do? :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2011): Honestly I dont know if I should be happy or sad because so many people feel the same way I do. My situation is kinda difficult..I mean I met my boyfriend a about a year ago, he´s 17 and im 13 (I know it's kiinda inapropriate but I seriously love him) and we´ve been together for 3 months now. Yesterday I just went and asked him directly if he was a virgin because I felt it was something I needed to know and I was pretty sure he wasn´t..so it turned out he lost it at 15 with a girl that was 2 years older than him...and well even if he says he loves me and wants to spend his whole life with me and everything, it does hurt me to think that I'm actually waiting to find the one and for the day I get married and everything and he´s not...
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2011): I know exactly what you mean. I am 15 years old and my boyfriend is 17. He lost his virginity to his ex about a year and a half ago.. I've always wanted to wait til marriage, so I can be pure for my husband and he will be my first. It kills me that it isn't going both ways....
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): I am 19 years old and still a virgin. I want to wait till I'm married... I found out that my boyfriend had lost his virginity to a past girlfriend and it hurts me so bad.. I know it was done before I knew him but I can't help but feel sick over the fact that another girl knows his body.. It hurts because if I end up marrying him, I will be second and the moment will not feel as special.. I know I'm too young to be thinking about this but I can't help it.. Waiting till marriage is the one thing that I can offer to my husband and tell him that I waited for him because he is the one... but it hurts that it doesn't work both ways...
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2010): I know this thread is old, but I needed to contribute. I actually googled something like this because... Lately I have been bothered by the same thing.
When I first met my boyfriend I knew he wasn't a virgin. I had no idea who he had slept with, how many, etc. When we first began to fool around I didn't think much of it, and then I lost my virginity to him on our first valentines day... I had always believed in true love and what not, and waiting to find the right one. I know and knew then he was the love of my life, so yeah, we made love.
But as time goes on I can't help but feel... Hurt every so often. Every so often, the questions of who, why, how many snuck into my head. I finally asked recently and he told me he only had 1 partner before me. It was his first girlfriend of 6 months -- He was infatuated with her but was never in love with her. In fact, I'm the only person he has ever been in love with. It still bugs me though to think of another girl being all over him at one point, him doing the same things he does to me to someone else, and I wonder if it was just sex of love making?
I try to think that I can't change the past and that it's better than him sleeping with one girl than like 4,5,6, etc. I also try to justify it saying he is a 25 male, how could he be a virgin? But I wish he had waited.. for me. Because if I could wait to lose it to my soul mate, why couldn't he?
I wish I could stop obsessing over this thought. I love him and I could never leave him, but it does break my heart a little.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2010): i lose my virginity to my first boyfriend, and i knew he wasnt a virgin. but after a few months i decided to ask him how many other girls hes been with? how often he had sex with them?...and after that i just felt wrong. i waited to lose my virginity for someone special and he is special, we plan on spending our life together. and even though i have confronted him about how it bothers me that he has slept with other girls it still bothers me. he tells me its different with me because he loves me and they didnt mean anything but i just cant help but think of him saying the same things to those other girls. now i hate myself for letting him be the first when i couldnt be his first. i dont know how to get over it. i keep thinking of the other girls doing the same thing with him, the 1 thing thats so special to me. i cant break up with him because i love him too much but i cant seem to accept the fact that iam not his first.
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reader, livelaughlovealot7 +, writes (28 August 2010):
Same here. Last night I found out that my fifteen year old boyfriend is not a virgin. I'm 14, I know that I'm young to have a boyfriend and all but I don't really care. I'm really hurt by the fact. It was before he knew me, and it was rape because the girls were 18 and older. I'm not really mad at him, just at the fact. If we lasted I really wanted to be each others first. I just don't know to react to the fact.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2010): I'm debating whether its a good thing to know that there are others with similar situations or be upset that other people have to deal with all these mixed emotions..I am now 16 and my boyfriend is 18. I want to wait until i get married to have sex. My boyfriend is no longer a virgin. We were best friends for 2 years and I thought that if it was going to work out with anyone it was with him. Near the 1 year and a half his ex girlfriend started stalking me and trying to tell him that she was pergnant and she was aborting it and it wasnt the first time and It was just a mixture of things but she was a little messed up in the head and she was obessed. Thats kinda when everything spilled and i confronted him I mean he was my best friend how come he never told me and thats when i found out she was his first. It didnt bug me at first since i had no feeling for him. But as time passed and everything blew over the truth came out hes not a virgin but everthing else was a lie. I later began to have feelings for him and it was a big debate I mean going out with your best friend is a huge mistake none the less him but also being a soldier and him leaving all the time doesnt make it any easier. We've only been dating a month but we both know what we want in life. Since he's in basic training all i can think about is how he might be my first one day and I'll never be his first. i know exactly how many of you feel and breaking up really isnt a option. It helps to know I'm not alone but at the same time it isnt that comforting. Though he only had 1 partner he bugs me, it feels like he might compare me. And Yes like some of you i thought of losing it to another guy to make it even not anytime soon of course but like it has been said it would be "cheating" and thats not the type of person i am. Its still a huge debate how can you live with the fact that the person your going to one day marry is not a virgin and no matter what you do you'll never be that first person. They say they always remember the first but i despise her and i feel disgusted whenever i think of it or her. But i guess sometimes you have to deal with it, though my first time was suppose to be something really important to me it now feels useless waiting.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2010): Man I know exactly how everyone feels, I'm 18 and my bf is 21 he has had 2 sexual partners and he lost his virginity at 20 and I met him at 20 a couple of months after he had lost it, he barely just told me that. He doesn't know but I cried and was angry I wish I could have been his first. I'm also saving myself for marriage and he completely understands that he's always regretting the fact that he didn't wait. I'm soo sad and mad wish I could have gotten with him earlier. I just hope I can get over it soon because otherwise it's going to bug me forever.
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reader, [email address blocked] +, writes (6 July 2010):
hello everyone!
I know exactly how you feel me and my bf have a 6 year age difference and he's been with pletely girls and ive even found convos from them, it sickens me cus i lost my virginity to him and i regret that. to make it worst wenever wed slept together id get disgusted and sometimes throw up. honestly the way i got over it was to go out and sleep with another guy.
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reader, cathy6609 +, writes (28 June 2010):
omg it feels kind of comforting to know im not the only girl feeling this way. im 16 and my bf is 18. when we met i was a virgin and he wasnt. when he told me we were together 1 month and i really didnt care he even sounded surprised that i was so okay with it 2 months later i told him i wanted to do it and we did. so he was my first. I love him i truly do we have been together a year and i love him with all my heart and he loves me if i wanted a watermelon from mexico he would get it for me. but at least every two months i feel what u feel. like dam exactly the way im touching him another girl touched him and the way he touches me he touched another girl. he tells me that it was nothing with her it was just sex and with me it all feels new and better and different because were in love. he tells me if he could change it he would and i appreciate that and honestly whenever im feeling down about it he tends to first be whatever and tell to get over it cause the past is the past but when i start to cry he holds me and says im sorry if i coulf change it i would. it sucks cause its not like he knew i was coming he's just a guy and guys think differently from girls. he was 16 he wasnt thinking about love just pleasure to girls its all about love. no matter how i look at it i feel both right and wrong. right in the sense that its okay to feel what i feel thejealousy and anger for that girl and their actions but im wrong cause its nothing he did wrong its not like he cheated on me not at all. it was the past and i hope oneday soon i can really forget this cause i feel bad for making him regret something in his life. i think that as time goes by maybe this thought will happen once a year but it will always be something that bothers. dont let a guy tell you your wrong. if you feelin the jealousy and hate grab ice cream watch cartoons and cry and be mad and bothered as a girl yiu have the right to. nobody is wrong for their feelings just dont take it out on him guys have two brains and when there young the sexual brain always conquers the logical one. as for breaking up with him that would be stupid on my behalf because 1) i love him and 2) if i leave him im not a virgin now and i would be a hypocrite. so embrace your feelings girls cause you are not wrong but know that he isnt wrong no matter how much you want him to be. The best thing to do is be the best girlfriend you can be and keep the love going he will have a lot more firsts with you then he did with her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): I know this feeling all too well. I didn't know it was such a common feeling amongst us girlies. lol.
Well, heres my story. Me and my fiance have been going with each other for around 4 & 1/2 years (on and off).
When I 1st starting going out with him & we had sex for the 1st time I didn't even think about or worry about his exes. We had our break-ups & make-ups over the years & finally in November 2009 we got back together properly & got engaged in March this year.
Now it was only recently that I started to feel this way about his ex(es) or 1 in particular - his 1st. Apparently he lost it with her & she lost hers to him when he was just 13, in a bush.
Now, I lost my virginity to someone else aswell & have generally had more sexual partners than him, but for some reason it still bugs me now and again that 'she' got to him 1st & not me (even though I've had my fair share of experiances too & it doesn't seem to bother him).
I think it's the fact that I wish I'd waited to give my Virginity up to him & him to me (just like what apparently happened to him & his 1st).
Now, I told him about my feelings/jealousy & he told me that it wasn't special between him and that girl & he doesn't even remember it. He tells me that I might not of been his 1st sexual partner, but that I'm his 1st LOVE (he is my 1st love also, I love him with all my heart).
So the best thing for you to do is probably just to express your feelings to him, be honest. Chances are those other girls weren't important to him at all & your his 1st LOVE instead, which rates waaaaaay more than just a 1st sexual partner.
It still hurts me now and again to think about that girl with her hands all over MY man, but lets face it. He's Engaged to & will be Marrying me now & we're now trying for our 1st Baby.
Thats 2 1st's I WILL get from him & hopefully it'll be our only's aswell.
There is so much more than just a "1st Sexual partner", if he's a keeper then don't let it ruin all the other possible "1st's" you'll have with him aswell in your relationship.
Hope this helps, STROBELIGHT. xXx
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2010): Hey I understand how you feel. My boyfriend and I are both 17 and I am a virgin and he's not. He lost his virginity to his ex girlfriend of around 6 months before me. But he didn't even like her at all. He didn't even want to have sex with her, she wanted to have sex with him. They were not in love. He says it was not fun at all and very awkward and he didn't even orgasm. They broke up soon after that because they realized that they really didn't like each other. Thats the only time he had sex, and he describes it as just movements, nothing mental at all, just boring. I asked him if he knew if she was a virgin when they had sex and he didn't even know! He says he has never made love to anyone. When he realized that It made me upset that he was not a virgin he got very very sad. He regrets it so so much. He wishes everyday that he could go back and change it and he says it was really stupid of him and he hates to see me upset and hurting. One time he asked me when we were lying down cuddling talking about this, "hey baby. . .since when me and (girl's name) didn't enjoy what we did and I didn't like her at all and didn't even come and it only lasted like 10 minutes can I still be a virgin?" And he had the cutest pitiful look on his face I said "baby . . . its okay, I love you, you can't change your past. I'm not going to pretend you're a virgin because you were technically inside of her" and he said okay but still is very upset about it. He loves me very much he wishes that he could lose his virginity to me. My boyfriend and I are completely in love, he's the love of my life. We've been going out for almost 6 months and we haven't had sex yet but I know he's the one. We talk about going to college and spending the rest of our lives together. He's so perfect for me, he's my everything. I know that he is the one i want to have sex with, the first and the last. I'm a little on the conservative side and I'm still waiting, at least until I am 18. We "fool around" and kiss so passionately a couple of times we've been without clothes and making out and I was really close to wanting to have sex, but he was just like "babe we need to stop" and pulled us away from each other. He is very respectful; he always watches out for me. And he says he doesn't want to have sex with me until I'm completely ready. He says he loves me so much that sex doesn't matter and that I could even wait till marriage if I wanted to and that it's me he wants not sex. I appreciate him for that, but I still am always a little sad on the inside that I will not be his first, but we are each others first love and I will be the first girl he makes love too. And plus I will be the first that it will actually feel good and it will be something emotional for us not just physical.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2010): My boyfriend lost his virginity at a very young age (12/13). It was one of those 'why not' sort of things, with a girl he wasn't even dating or felt love for.I was his second time. Sometimes, when I think about it, it hurts me that I was not the first person to arouse him, and I couldn't give him a new experience (although it helps to know that he didn't really enjoy his first time and he didn't care for her the way he does for me). But it's a stupid, immature choice he made several years ago. There are no time machines that can go back and fix it. So why dwell on something that can't be changed? Either you can get over it and realize that is who he is, or you can leave him.Also, what CandyCakes said is true. My boyfriend told me that to him, his virginity meant nothing. The sex was purely out of curiosity and physical pleasure, and he didn't become more attached to her at all. Most girls, on the other hand, associate sex with emotional bonds. So odds are that to your guy, the sex was probably just that. Sex. Not 'making love'.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2010): I was also in the same situation as you. I'm 23 and my fiance is 25. I'm a virgin, he's not and I found it out after about 1 month into our relationship. I knew he had an ex before but I thought he kept himself a virgin because he's quite a pious christian.It hurted me so deeply that I almost wanted to break up. He begged for my forgiveness but it pain me so much to know that another girl had touched him. He told me the truth when I asked him because he said he didn't want to lie and give me false hopes even though he knew it might lead me to break up with him.However he told me, he only had sex with her 3 times and after that he felt it was wrong and he was no longer interested as he in fact did not enjoy having sex with his ex at all even when she asked him to.I love him very much and couldn't bear to leave him and didn't know what to do such that that he said that he will break up with me because it was causing me so much agony even though he didn't want to. we cried so much over this.In the end, I came to realise that whatever happened was in the past and he is now with me and I am his present and future. I am now more in love with him than ever because he has been the most loving person ever to me and has never asked me for sex because he knows I wanna keep it. Being a Christian he also values chasity and he is very happy that we are not engaging in any sexual activities and want out love to grow. He said he made a mistake and he's not going to make the same mistake again.He's my fiance now and I know we are definitely going to enjoy our wedding night together.On sidenote, he told me all the times he slept with his ex, he didn't enjoy it at all and was in her for less than 30 seconds. He felt it was wrong and than rejected her later on when she asked him. And he said his past relationship scarred him because his ex cheated on him with another guy. He regretted even knowing her because not only has she taken away his virginity, she hurted him and how he wished I was his first girlfriend instead.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2010): Girl,if u love him alot you would realize that is his past and with a different girl.He never knew he was going to meet you so you either accept it or confront him about it
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010): I have the same problem and I'm a gay male. I'm 18 years old and my boyfriend is 20 years old and he has such a past...he's pretty much been having sex since he was 15. It's hard for me to get over his past because well first of all my virginity is very important to me and i always dreamed of my first time to be with someone who is also a virgin but just thinking of him with other people saying really turns my stomach and makes me want to cry. I know it's childish but a part of me just can not let it go, at least not yet. I mean when I first met him he was in a relationship...for like 4 years on and off and I just hate that when he says I love you and all this other stuff a part of me feels like it's not genuine and I'm just another I love you. I know that is not true because he really truly does love me and I love him...I really do but at the same time his past really angers me and I don't think he gets how much and I can't just tell him because I would be so embarrassed and feel so immature because that's essentially what this is, embarrassing and immature...still even so I just wish he could, for 5 minutes, feel what I feel. It also doesn't help that he brings up his past randomly sometimes when we are having a moment...it totally kills it and then I feel stupid for feeling like this because he is totally unphased and I'm there acting all awkward and looking away. It also bothers me a little that he still hangs out with said ex also...I just wish he could understand and I wish there was a way I can just get over this but I know it's gonna take time...I hope. :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2010): I also feel devastated now. I had sex with my boyfriend when I was 17 and he was 18. He told me before that he have not had sex with anyone and just with me so I agreed to have sex with him. I asked him again for the second and third time, he said the same thing that he is still a virgin. One night, when I told him of my FALSE pleasure moments with other guys, he admitted the truth. I retracted what I said. I told him that I only said those because I wanted to really know if it was true that he had never done it. I felt so angry, sad and depressed. I just can not get over it. Looking at my self, I know I love him. Something is just making the blur. I do not like to imagine him doing it with that girl bu sometimes it just goes straight to my mind. It kills me. I want to get over this. Surely it is the only thing that makes me not love him to the best that I can. I do not want to be labelled immature. I do not want to waste this.
What comforts me are the ideas of second families and divorced couples. Many women accept divorced men who already have families and for who he is. Then they can make the happy family they want. This is true to me. My mom accepted my dad even if he had 2 children already and he was once married. It was a bigger and greater obstacle than this.
I have made my decision. I will save this relationship. I know someday I could accept this truth and be happy with him rather than breaking whatever we have and removing the possibility of being happy together.
It is hard but it could happen.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2010): Wow I seriously felt like i was the only one after reading basically all of these stories i dont feel alone, sounds so cliche.@ A female reader, PRAnna +, writes (5 October 2009)--You basically summed up my story, i feel so nauseated when i think of him with this his ex's. Going from a person that doesnt even dwell once on anything and now seriously i feel like someone should just lock me up because i've became obsessive and compulsive. I've creeped his facebook, creeped basically every female friend.I care so much about him, but personally i know now this won't work unless i get over it.It's done it happened in the past, but the thought of him exactly doing things to his girlfriends, going down on them..kissing them..looking into her eyes. telling her that he loves her...i feel like he is just feeding it to me..i seriously fucking hate it ...at the time when i slept with him it wasn't that big of a deal but i dont regret losing what i've kept for 18 years, i regret losing it to him because my jealousy is seriously making me hate him.
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reader, sexybitch1982  +, writes (15 March 2010):
My boyfriends not a virgin. he keeps on going on how great sex feels, so 1 night i got into my sexy nighty and sat on the top of the piano. he came in and said wow and i said "shhhhhh, tonight we r going to have the best sex ever" so i thew him on the chair and got naked on top of him he said" ru sure?" i didnt say anything instead i got him naked and acctually swam down and put the comdom on. i also licked (this is embarresing) from his leg (he was hot i had to do this) all the way up. and started snogging him he stopped me and said no. i said nothing i just sucked his penis i got a bit eigar so westarted but this was a night where we were supposed to go out 4 dinner with his parents so i got him and did one of those sex dances where ur on top of him and wiggle ur sexy parts of ur body, then we started i had a great time until i heard the door open, it was his pearants he promised never to have sex unless for a baby so there we were having sex in front of his pearants we just HAD to break up but now hes my feonce.
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reader, msday +, writes (16 February 2010):
I am a 24 yr old female and I am a virgin. I'm savin mine for marriage also but my bf has already given himself away to 9 other females. I felt as if wow ok I'll be #10. The last on the list (we plan on getting married) I pretty much beat him up for his past and I know it was wrong and not to justify it but its like oh now u want me after sayin u loved ur 1st and blah blah. All kinds of thoughts entered my mind like all the sexual things he may have performed for ANOTHER female, well I don't want those types of favors when we marry, ew he went down on a female and now he kisses me etc. It does do damage to his psyche and mine. It shows where his priorites were and mine. And I thought I should just break up with him cuz I cried and got mad from dwelling on his mistakes! Lol I put myself thru mental agony for what? Nothing bc I can't change any of it though I still wish we could be eachothers 1sts. He regrets it because he said they were a waist of his time and I am a treasure. He's a treasure too bc he's a great man regardless of what he has done, doing or ever will do and I know its worth being with a great man. So, if he's a keeper and he is genuine about how he feels about u then let it go. It will kill the relationship if u don't...
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2009): I completely understand your situation. My boyfriend technically is a virgin, but he was touched by another girl. (Yeah, touched as in; she got him off.) When he told me I felt like I was gonna cry, because I hadn't been his first. It tore at my heart until I was positive that we were over. But when I saw him again and realized that I still loved him, I vowed to make it work. It hurts like fuck whenever I think of it, but I'm still so happy to know that he never loved her, and that I got his love. He cried and practically begged for my forgiveness, and he kept saying how sorry he was, and that he was only 15, and a suicidal dumbass. I hugged him and told him that the past can't be changed, and that this will hurt me for as long as we're together, but... I love him. And that's the end of that.
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reader, PRAnna +, writes (5 October 2009):
I'm going through the same thing. Me and my boyfriend are both 17. And I knew when we started going out that he wasn't a virgin. And it didn't really bother me. But after thinking about it more and more, it started to KILL me more and more. The thought of him being intimate with her in a way I can't be?? (I'm waiting until I'm married). He says he's fine with waiting until we're married, but that's not the point.
It's bothered me to the point where I almost gave it up for him. I almost had sex with him. We were "fooling around", and I tried to have sex with him. He stopped me. He said he loves me too much to do it, and he knows it would ruin my life. I started crying. Crying that I almost gave it up, that he didn't want to, that I can't do it, that he has STILL had sex with her and not me. I cried a lot. And he just held me and kept kissing my head telling me he loves me. I KNOW he loves me. But it still hurts, a lot.
What hurts the most is WHEN HE TALKS ABOUT IT! He doesn't mean to really. In all honesty, I don't think he knows how much it bothers me. But for example, the time I almost had sex with him, I said something along the lines of "I just wanna be with you, I wanna know how it feels." And he said "No you don't. It's wonderful. But you need to wait til you're married." Now I don't wanna KNOW that it's wonderful. Haha. Or once he said something about how he sweats the most when he has sex, and that it's "the best work out". It makes me sick to think about that. It physically makes me feel nautious.
And what makes me feel even worse, is that he doesn't regret it. I mean he said if he could have seen into the future, and seen how much it bothers me, he never would have. But he also says like "I don't regret it. I was having fun, I was in love" etc. UGggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh! It just kills me.
But I love him. And I'm sure you love your boyfriend. So try to look past it. The way I try to look at it is this: our relationship is BETTER than theirs, because we have enough love and respect for each other to wait. Try to think of it that way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2009): i am very very very very very bothered by the same thing. and it hurts like hellllllllll. but i can not do anything about it.i dont know why men do this. i guess because they know they can not get caught? i really dont know why. they are just all the same.i am considering marrying him.. but he's already been with 5 women. he's traveled the world and ffffd his brains out. and now i have to take it or leave it. while i was working hard my entire life and doing the right thing.its hard. but no one is perfect. especially not men!
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female
reader, CandyCakes +, writes (17 March 2009):
At 19, I am no longer a virgin. I've only slept with one other person, my boyfriend of nearly two years. He was my first. I was his...second. I knew that he was not a virgin long before we started dating (we were friends for two years before we got together).I thought I was okay with it, until relatively recently when I actually sat down and thought about what that meant. It's not just that he had sex, it's that he made out with her, he groped her, she made him erect, he went so far as to put his penis into her vagina. And then humped away.Yeah. I was furious. I was hateful. I was filled with disgust and regret and so so much pain. I shouted, I threw things, I refused to touch him. I made the one person I love more than anyone or anything else in the entire world cry. A man who NEVER cries. I made him cry. I did that. And isn't that worse really, than once upon a time having sex with a girl? I might have a slightly different situation than you, he was depressed at the time. This relationship with that girl was horribly unhealthy. She was nuts, three years too young for him, and a general meanie butt. He had convinced himself that he had to stay with her, that he really cared for her, and he ignored the fact that he was horribly depressed at the same time. She pestered him for months to have sex with her before he gave in. Hey, she was his girlfriend, that's what you're supposed to do. If a girl you're supposed to love wants to do you, you accept or end up looking like a pussy.So he slept with her. And he painted this terrible mental image for me of how he knew it was a bad idea but did it anyway because he'd been wrong about everything else. When he thought he was doing the right thing, it was always wrong, so he tried it the other way around, to ignore his real feelings. He said it wasn't very much fun, he didn't even come...He even told me that he thought people had been lying about how much fun sex was. But he wasn't a dummy, porn paints a different picture.Technically, he did sleep with her. Despite the fact that his penis never touched her vagina (condom) or even came. But he considers his first time to be with me. He regrets his actions horribly, especially when he saw what it did to me. He knows now that he had sex for all of the wrong reasons, and none of the right ones. But, it's in the past. It can't be changed. Yet, if someone truly regrets something, if they don't think it counts...maybe it can be stricken from the record? I still feel sick and angry when I think about how MY BOYFRIEND did those things once, but here's something for everyone to think about (including me!): Are you the same person as you were a year ago? Two years? Three? You're not. I think a lot of our problems with thinking about how OUR MEN slept with someone else are caused by a feeling of infidelity. I know personally I have a hard time separating the Alec of today from the Alec of yesteryear. When he slept with her I hadn't even considered him as a crush, let alone a boyfriend. I wasn't interested back then. (Though apparently he always found me hot and had wet dreams about me, go figure...) Think about your boyfriend as two different people, because really you change so much when you enter into a long term relationship with someone new that it's hard to think about how you use to be. Likely at the time, like my boyfriend and probably most of your boyfriends, they thought it was the right thing to do at that time. I'm guilty of this too, but instead of worrying and thinking about how awful it was when he slept with so and so, just take a deep deep breath and think about this: It's a little cliche, but these lyrics always help me get a hold of what actually matters...."Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand. And what you've been out there searching for forever is in your hand. When you figure out love is all that matters after all, it sure makes everything else feel so small."If he loves you now, if you are the person he cares for more than anyone else now, what does it matter about then? Instead of thinking how awful the past is, concentrate on being a good girlfriend and making the future better for the both of you. ALSO: Boys and girls usually view sex in different terms. Men are more likely to just consider it for the physical, and girls tend to attach emotions to it. If you and your boyfriend are having "MADLY IN LOVE" sex, then it's pretty useless that once upon a time he had "JUST TO GET OFF" sex with some skank.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2008): Wow I'm so glad I found this site, because I'm going through the same thing with my boyfriend. He's 18 and I'm 17. I'm a virgin and he's not, and the thought of him with another girl made me mad. Even though it was only one girl, I just wish we could share the experience together. But oh well I can't be mad at his past.
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reader, glormi +, writes (14 November 2008):
I am going through something similar right now. My boyfriend and I are both 17 and I am a virgin. We have been dating for 5 weeks and I had heard that he wasn't a virgin before but when I asked him he told me he was, but later that day he called me and told me that he lied. He said that he had sex twice. I want to forgive him because it was something he did before he even knew me but I can't help but picture him with someone else and it makes me feel horrible. I know that he is sorry and that he loves me and I won't break up with him but I am so sad and I don't know how to get over it, I just wish that he could have waited.
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reader, romance007  +, writes (5 September 2008):
I am a 37 year old male. I was born in Hong Kong. When I studied high school there, we had the pledge for us to keep ourselves virgin until after marriage. I am a 37 year old virgin. I have had two girlfriends before. At one time, I almost gave up and lost my virginity. It was hard to resist, but I did. If not that promise and pledge, I would not have something so strong to hold myself from having sex. Fast forward, I have know my financee for ten months now. She is wonderful in and out. However, when I learn that she is not a virgin anymore, I feel devastated. How can I believe that because she is only nineteen and she lost her virginity at 16 when a male said that if she did not have sex with him, he would leave. So, she cried and gave what he demanded. That was mental threatening, and is one kind of date rape. Then, her second boyfriend was good to her at the beginning. Then, may be their relationship had gotten so well that she felt safe to have sex with him. Then, after a while, what her second boyfriend did always reminded her of her first one. As she felt insecured, she left her second boyfriend also. Yet, I have forgiven my financee otherwise, we would not get engaged. She has already promised to be a very good and faithful wife of me and will always put me and our family on top of her mind and will love me like no one else in this world can....
Well, I guess it comes down to when a person has sex, was it voluntary, or out of curiosity, or a mix of these, or whether afterwards the person feels guilty about having done it. Virginity may have two levels, one on the physical level, the other on the mental level. Yes someone may have lost her or his physical virginity, but if it wasn't accompanied by mental pleasure, and even worse, there are lot of worries and feelings of insecure and guilt afterwards, then may be he or she has not lost his or her mental virginaity yet.
Well, in my opinion, it comes down to; do you anticipate a fruitful and rewarding relationship ahead of you and him, or is he not sorry about what he has done that is what continues to bother you..., or whether you feel that he easily gives out his first time to someone else before you come along in his life. I know it is tough situation. I am still sometimes having mixed feelings, but everytime I see her, my heart just cannot stop beating faster because I do know that I do love her a lot. Well, if you and your boyfriend now are based on true love between the two of you, yes you will find fruitful relationship. If he is with you just to have sex with you like he did with his ex girlfriends, then of course, it is time to look for someone else. If you need someone virgin, think about joining a church of Jesus Christ, either Christian or Catholic. There are tons of virgin man, who are doing well in school, as well as having positive attitudes on lives, and are holding very high values of life.
Wishing you well and peace of mind. No one will know more about what you what then you. So, you really have to make a decision like I did. And my decision was to forgive her and let our new life together begin by marrying her in this coming November 8, 2008. It is tough, but you can do it if you really love him. However, if you find that his love for you is another lie, then of course, he may be looking for just sex again. Otherwise, if it is true love between the two of you, forgive him the best you can. There will be fruits out of your true love for each other.
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reader, romance007 +, writes (5 September 2008):
I am a 37 year old male. I was born in Hong Kong. When I studied high school there, we had the pledge for us to keep ourselves virgin until after marriage. I am a 37 year old virgin. I have had two girlfriends before. At one time, I almost gave up and lost my virginity. It was hard to resist, but I did. If not that promise and pledge, I would not have something so strong to hold myself from having sex. Fast forward, I have know my financee for ten months now. She is wonderful in and out. However, when I learn that she is not a virgin anymore, I feel devastated. How can I believe that because she is only nineteen and she lost her virginity at 16 when a male said that if she did not have sex with him, he would leave. So, she cried and gave what he demanded. That was mental threatening, and is one kind of date rape. Then, her second boyfriend was good to her at the beginning. Then, may be their relationship had gotten so well that she felt safe to have sex with him. Then, after a while, what her second boyfriend did always reminded her of her first one. As she felt insecured, she left her second boyfriend also. Yet, I have forgiven my financee otherwise, we would not get engaged. She has already promised to be a very good and faithful wife of me and will always put me and our family on top of her mind and will love me like no one else in this world can....
Well, I guess it comes down to when a person has sex, was it voluntary, or out of curiosity, or a mix of these, or whether afterwards the person feels guilty about having done it. Virginity may have two levels, one on the physical level, the other on the mental level. Yes someone may have lost her or his physical virginity, but if it wasn't accompanied by mental pleasure, and even worse, there are lot of worries and feelings of insecure and guilt afterwards, then may be he or she has not lost his or her mental virginaity yet.
Well, in my opinion, it comes down to; do you anticipate a fruitful and rewarding relationship ahead of you and him, or is he not sorry about what he has done that is what continues to bother you..., or whether you feel that he easily gives out his first time to someone else before you come along in his life. I know it is tough situation. I am still sometimes having mixed feelings, but everytime I see her, my heart just cannot stop beating faster because I do know that I do love her a lot. Well, if you and your boyfriend now are based on true love between the two of you, yes you will find fruitful relationship. If he is with you just to have sex with you like he did with his ex girlfriends, then of course, it is time to look for someone else. If you need someone virgin, think about joining a church of Jesus Christ, either Christian or Catholic. There are tons of virgin man, who are doing well in school, as well as having positive attitudes on lives, and are holding very high values of life.
Wishing you well and peace of mind. No one will know more about what you what then you. So, you really have to make a decision like I did. And my decision was to forgive her and let our new life together begin by marrying her in this coming November 8, 2008. It is tough, but you can do it if you really love him. However, if you find that his love for you is another lie, then of course, he may be looking for just sex again. Otherwise, if it is true love between the two of you, forgive him the best you can. There will be fruits out of your true love for each other.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): Well I guess I'm one of those that make up that "pathetic pool" dear anonymous reader..... LOL
You either accept him the way you found him or leave him. It's your choice. If his virginity is important to you, then you need to find another man who is a virgin too.
He didn't know you when he had sex, and he has his own reasons why he decided to have sex. He had a past, you weren't there, he didn't know about you. Talk to him if you want to, tell him this is bothering you. But what can he do. He can't change the past, he can't stop you from being bothered. But he can love you with all his heart, he can treat you good and make you happy. If this is not enough for you, then of course you must leave him and find a man somewhere who has managed to hold on to his virginity after the age of 18.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): You know I'm seriously bothered by the fact that this same exact question came up but in reverse and all people did was cut the guy down telling him to man up and get over it because it is the "21st century". Pretty pathetic pool of people if you ask me. You should be bothered by this. I am having the same issue.
Good luck.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2008): I have a similar problem. I am not religious but I did want to stay a virgin until I met someone that I really loved. I did and we have been together for 3 1/2 years now. My problem is that he had a few one night stands before we got toghether. It still bothers me from time to time that I have to know that he has had sex with other people while he has the comfort of knowing that he was my first and only.Ultimately I think it will always be something that upsets me but I am not about to break up with someone just because they have had different experiences then me...
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008): if you truly love your partener then virginity shouldnt be an issue, i understand that it is very precious to you
but if youlove each other then put love above sex love over comes all at the end of the day ]
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): It's abot time you think for yourself not for your fmily.His virginity won't love you but his love that he have 4 u its matters. The majority of boys loose their virginity at athe age of 15 so if if is 22 years he is old enough girlfriend. It's abot time to think for yourself not for yor family but have a respect for your family.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): If your partner's virginity is important to you and your BF is not one, then maybe you should put your money where your mouth is and break up with him for it.
There are guys who are virgins at over 20 years old. More than a few. If word actually gets out about why you broke up with your BF, you'll probably find yourself up to your ears in more virgin guys. They're not a "silent majority" or anything, but there's a lot of them still out there.
The other option is to stay with a guy who did something that violates your bedrock values so deeply. It doesn't make him a bad person in general, but it may very well make him the wrong one for you.
I will pose a question to you (and anyone else reading this):
You'll probably tell yourself that it's a tough road ahead to accept this issue about your BF, but you're determined to do it because you're a good, strong, forgiving person . . .
But is this REALLY the truth? Are you so sure that staying with him & accepting it is not what's really the "easy way" compared to the emotional diffculty of (and probably a certain amount of guilt about) leaving him over it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007): I'm 18 and my boyfriend is 20, and I'm having the same types of feelings. I wish we could share our first times together, but obviously its too late for that. I konw that whatever has happened before me is obviously in the past, and that he loves me now. He really is sensitive and respects my conservativeness but through it all it still bums me out that something that was precoius to me has been ruined in a sort of way. I know we love each other and so I'm going to get past it, its just a let down.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2005): im dealing with the same issue now. i am saving my virginity for the one i will spend my life with, yet my boyfriend hasnt. i am saving it as a way to show that i have loved the one im married to long before i knew him. i realize that you cant always see into the future, but just the fact that he lost his virginity to someone he wasnt even dating at the age of 13 or 14 (im not really even sure) bugs the ever loving shit out of me. On top of all this, i am a very VERY very VERY insecure person... im afraid i wont be able to compare to whatever previous sex hes had, im sure i probably wont satisfy him as much as he has been before. i know in thinking these things, im probably a shallow, selfish, vicious bastard... but i just cant get over thinking that if we were to have sex, i would be giving him so much trust, so much of me... and he wouldnt really be giving me that much back, he already gave it all to some other dumbass... gah.... lifes complicated.... .so pretty much ive got a hella big pile of crap i need to get over, and the only way im going to get over it is if he loves genuinely to the max... and i love him the same... or maybe... i just wont ever have sex .... that sounds like fun
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2005): what is it that bothers you exactly? the fact that your not his first sexual partner? I feel for you because i have alot of trouble coming to terms with my boyfirneds past i was a virgin he wasnt but i love him too much for this to come between us, have you talked to him about it? i think you should sit you partner down and tell him how your feeling the feelings will not go away unless you confront them! i really hope you get over this and you and your partner become stronger if you really love him try your best to move on! Gooduck
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2005): I know exactly how you feel. I also come from a conservative family and would be devastated to find out that my boyfriend wasn't a virgin.
I think it's great that your virginity is so important to you. It's important to me, too. I also think it's important to have high standards when choosing a mate.
However, I don't think his lost virginity is unforgivable. The real question is, does he desire a second virginity and is honestly sorry for having had sex in the past, or is his sexual journey one he wants to continue (with you!)? If he's truly regretful over what happened, and wants to start fresh with you, I think it would be fine for you to allow him some grace. You don't have to break up with him because he's made mistakes--however, you would need to break up with him if he was still having sex or wanting you to have sex. If you don't know the answers to these questions, ask him.
Good luck!
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female
reader, Roxmarita +, writes (24 August 2005):
In this day and age, although it is not impossible, it is improbable that you will find a 20 something virgin.
Just because someone has had sex before you does not make them a bad person, neither does the fact that their personal beliefs are not as conservative as yours.
The older you get, the lesser the odds of you finding a virgin if that is your requirement, so you might want to remember that any potential partners you will have will have had a life before you came along and will have a life long after you are gone.
There is a big difference between loving someone and accepting them and they do not always go hand in hand, but if you want a relationship, base it on how you feel about him as a person and how he feels about you and how he treats you, not what he did in his past.
If the fact that he is not a virgin bothers you that much, then there is probably a deeper issue or something missing and you are looking for an excuse.
When you can love and accept someone, warts and all, that'll be the one you should keep.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2005): Well, either you learn to live with this information, accept it and carry on or you don't. Plain and simple. If you can't accept him as is and this is a big issue that will forever haunt you, then cut him loose and go find another guy who may be a virgin and more suitable to what you want in life. But be fair to him and be fair to yourself. If this guy's not the one..then tell him gently but do it now before the relationship drags on further. good luck
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female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (24 August 2005):
 Okay in this day and age...the chances of finding a 22 year old guy who is a virgin is rare. That is like Osama Bin Laden coming on the tele and admitting to terrorist attacks...go figure. When you are in a relationship...do you love that person for what they are so who they. So what if he is not a virgin...does that make him dirty or tainted. It would be really shallow of you to think like that. If you are a virgin wonderful...great but it does not make him any less of a great person. Really what is the big deal here, conservative family or not...you may miss out the a really nice relationship because he is not a virgin! He can't change the fact that he is so you either deal with it or send that him off to be someone else's treasure.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2005): with all due respect, I think i understand you alittle. I was a virgin until i got married when i was 23 but the girl i was in love with and married, was not. and she was was 20 when we married. she lost her at 15. but i LOVED her anyway.
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reader, revsteve +, writes (23 August 2005):
Well, you have two options: 1) You can break up with him because you really want a virgin for a boyfriend or 2) you can deal with the fact that he isn't a virgin and get on with your relationship. However, I want to add that in this day of STD's I would NOT want my daughter dating a boy who was not a virgin. You say that you come from a very conservative family. Are you going to live by what you have learned and believe in or are you going to throw those values out the window and continue in a relationship with a boy that does NOT meet your expectations of purity? The choice is yours-make it a good one!
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