A
female
age
41-50,
*erseyncorbinsmommy
writes:Hello I need some help... I been with my fiancee for awhile now and we are due to be getting married here very soon. I been hurt a lot by many people... He's a wonderful guy and he's very open and honest with me about everything.... When we talk about his past relationships and sexual acts it really bothers me... I'm glad he us honest but I get really quiet and start thinking of the past women he's been with and think maybe he would be happier with them.... It really tears me up and I don't understand why... I know everyone has a past but why do I let his bother me so much and what can I do? I am so confused
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female
reader, walls111tiffany +, writes (4 June 2012):
I completely agree with you. My fiance's past has bothered me ever since I found out Idk what exactly to do. Neither does he. I love him and would hate to lose him, but his past always crosses my mind. It's been over a year now and I still have no solution. HELP!!! He has been with tons of women...Way before me. And we also have an age gap, he's six years older...His past really does hurt me, and when we see one of them out it makes me even more upset.
A
female
reader, jerseyncorbinsmommy +, writes (27 September 2011):
jerseyncorbinsmommy is verified as being by the original poster of the question UPDATE: I sat my fiancee down and told him how I felt... He told me how he loves me and only want and needs me in his life... He deleted his exes off his Facebook, changed his number and plain out don't talk to then or even give then the time or day... I've stopped asking him questions about his past because I know its gonna bother me... Things between us are much better so thank you all very much... P.s. we just found out we are having a baby girl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2011): If they keep reappearing it is most likely not without some form of encouragement from him. Be careful here. He may be a cheater or someone who needs multiple women to feed his ego or whatever.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): Don't get married to him until you've resolved this issue.
a marriage without trust is going to end in divorce or stay on as a prison.
right now you don't trust him so you should work towards trusting him (whether it means you have to work on your insecurity, or he needs to do something different, or both) and know that unless and until you start to trust him more, a marriage wouldn't be a good idea.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): Hello, it sounds as though you have a "self esteem" problem, when i was younger i used to go through the same types of feelings. You will grow as a person and eventualy these kinds of things will not bother you so much. But the first thing you need to do is "leave the past in the past" that goes for you and him. Make your own memories, you both have a clean slate, write your story anyway you like...you are in control of your own life..you decide how you will live, how you will think, how you will make your dreams come true...keep moving forward, everything will be fine.
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A
female
reader, jerseyncorbinsmommy +, writes (5 September 2011):
jerseyncorbinsmommy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo he's has just told me of his past but drops it after that but these girls from his past can't let him go and keep reappearing. He doesn't talk to them anymore and tells me I'm all he wants but am still scared of being hurt by him
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): The issue doesn't seem to me to be lack of trust in your boyfriend. It sounds more like a feeling of exclusion.Many years ago I went through something similar with my then boyfriend. The longer we were together and the more invested I was the more preoccupied I became with his past. I won't bore you with the details but suffice to say it was pretty bad.It was difficult to isolate the source of the problem, it seemed so overwhelming. Did he consider her more attractive than I? Did he treat her better than he treated me? Was she more interesting? Were her sexual skills superior to mine? Was she more memorable in some other way? After exploring all the usual suspects I eventually (by eventually I mean YEARS) came to what I think is the source of the problem.I felt excluded from the strong and intimate bond they had in their relationship. Don't get me wrong. I didn't want to be part of their relationship. I just wanted that same connection in ours. I assumed his ex, being more confident and outgoing, shared more of her real self and he therefore had more to love and more to remember. I, on the other hand, being shy, guarded and insecure shared only little pieces of myself I thought he would approve of. I feared his love for me was in proportion to what I shared with him and contingent upon our similarities. And since I only revealed, what I thought, was very little I could easily be forgotten. Does that make sense? Might that be what you're experiencing?Finally discovering that made everything so clear and simple. I don't want to prattle on in case your problem is something different.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (5 September 2011):
 If you have been hurt by other men you have dated (unless you are speaking of early childhood experiences with members of your family), it's not too surprising that you are hesitant to trust your fiance.Does he often speak of past relationships and sexual encounters? It's one thing to tell you he has a past - in terms of being open and honest with you - but quite another if he dwells on it. If he does keep mentioning these affairs, it makes me wonder if possibly he isn't in some way proud of them and bragging. I would find that disturbing. Does it make you wonder whether he would cheat on you at some point in the future?Have you let him know how much this bothers you? If you have not, it would be good to talk to him about your concerns.Being able to trust another person is very important, especially if you're planning to get married!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): I was very much concerned with my husband's past before I married him. I found many pictures of him with other women, past girlfriends, and it bothered me. I had a lot of insecurities about it and wondered if he would be happy being married to me seeing he seemed so experienced with other women.Well my concerns proved correct now 12 years later I find he has been cheating on me. I think it is because he was so used to having casual sex with lots of other women that he found it hard to stay faithful to one woman (me). So I am now paying a high price emotionally for this discovery.I had "red flags", being my insecurities about the number of women he had been with, the fact that he still ogled other women when we were dating, and a poor sex drive with me. (probably lost interest after the first couple of times and wanted something new).I know it is difficult and you cant predict what the future will bring. Communication and honesty are vital. I do not wish to scare you with my tale of woe, just to make you aware that these feelings you are having that are bothering you might be red flags.Anyway, I dont know your fiance so hopefully he is an honest and faithful man and brings you much happiness. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (5 September 2011):
If you have been hurt by other men you have dated (unless you are speaking of early childhood experiences with members of your family), it's not too surprising that you are hesitant to trust your fiance.
Does he often speak of past relationships and sexual encounters? It's one thing to tell you he has a past - in terms of being open and honest with you - but quite another if he dwells on it. If he does keep mentioning these affairs, it makes me wonder if possibly he isn't in some way proud of them and bragging. I would find that disturbing. Does it make you wonder whether he would cheat on you at some point in the future?
Have you let him know how much this bothers you? If you have not, it would be good to talk to him about your concerns.
Being able to trust another person is very important, especially if you're planning to get married!
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A
male
reader, soon567 +, writes (5 September 2011):
I
had a lot of women in my past, some meant something to me and other didnt at all. When i ask my ex to marry me i sat her down and told her of them. We talk a long time and i could see the disapointment in her face in eyes. I thought it was over and was prepared to walk away.
She ask for time and it took a few months longer than planned. If i didnt open up and been honest, i think it would have ended the relationship for good. Over 20 years it was throwning back in my face as expected, but it was out there. You have to make a decision now to move forward or let it go. If you choose to move forward then let this go for good. You need to be honest and tell him how you really feel about it. My ex didnt hold back one bit, in fact i had to see a doctor for an STD check up with her address on it.
You may not want to cont' this if you truly feel this way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): If it upsets you to talk about his past then tell him this and don't talk about it anymore. Just make your life together and forget about the past.
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A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (5 September 2011):
 Well just understand that whatever happened in the past...is the past. You're with someone who's a great guy- that you will eventually marry. So don't worry so much about the women that he was with previously. As long as he shows YOU the love, care, attention, and respect that you deserve, then allow yourself to just be happy. Realize that it's blessing for someone like that to be in your life.
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A
male
reader, confusedguy777  +, writes (5 September 2011):
i have been in this exact same situation with my own fiance, she has slept with a lot of men and done some fairly wild stuff. this ate me up for ages and had a bad effect on my confidence and the relationship. however you have to realise that all this is in the past, and for me it mainly came down to being confident about myself. If he has asked you to marry him then he obviously loves and cares about you and anything in the past is irelevant. the only thing you can do is if you are insecure make changes to help your confidence, hit the gym or go for a run or simply make the choice to stop torturing yourself by letting your mind run wild and honestly stop asking your fiance about his past, i did this as well and it never helped
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