A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hit the half way mark of my 20s and am still single. Not bad right? Everyone falls into this category periodically. Except for the fact that I've been in this same boat all my life. I've never had a girlfriend or even been kissed for that matter. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm beyond lonely. From the outside looking in I have a good job, good friends, am close with my family, get out on my days off, and am told that I'm a good looking and friendly guy. I have people all around me and yet feel so alone.I've come to hate going to weddings or large family gatherings. Even going out with friends is becoming stressful because most of the time they bring their significant other with them. I'm inevitably asked why I'm still single or when I'll be next. Let me know when you find an answer because I'm still looking for an answer myself. To add insult to injury, my younger sister... MY LITTLE SISTER!.. has more experience in this department than me.I don't even know where to begin. I have no experience when it comes to even the simplest of things like how to date or even kiss a woman, let alone anything more than that. How do I keep pretending that everything is normal when I know it's not. I should know at least the basics by my age. How do you build confidence from nothing?I feel so left out. It's like I've been left behind while everyone I know has moved forward with their lives. I'm tired of being told to wait and things will work out in the end. I've been waiting...25 years worth of waiting and nothing has changed. Don't foresee any developments in the near future either. Help!
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confidence, never had a girlfriend, period, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): Have you ever written out what your ideal partner would be like? Try it and it will christalise your needs before you go looking, before you start looking. It will make it easier to recognise the type of partner, when you do go looking.
Things like talkative or quieter and more reflective. Or lively life of the party or deep thinker. You would know best the things that best resonate with what you value in a partner.
Finding company is a numbers game. If you don't approach, if you don't ask, then nothing will happen. If you ask 100 times you will get more assured about what works and what does not work. And out of every 100 you approach there will be a gem amongst that 100 who will a person who you like a lot and who feels the same about you. Yes some will say, 'No Thanks', others may waver, at which point the inevitable rejection you may feel horrid. But keep asking and you may get a shy, 'OK'. Persist and you will eventually find some you enjoy, and want to see again, and some you don't want to see again. But you have to approach and ask first. Outings at first can be low key. A meeting fr coffee to see how you click. Or a visit to a local public event or celebration or a visit to a nice place.
My husband and I had a visit to the Botanic Gardens, as he knew I loved plants. So that first 'date' cost nothing, but tapped into something he knew I liked, which meant he had listened to me when we first talked. The more you ask and the more you try the better you will
get.
Rejection is your friend, based on the odds, because it means you are getting
closer to the person you will really connect with.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): It might be time to get out there and start dating. You could keep waiting but its unlikely a girl will fall into your lap. Dont be picky and imagine every girl you meet as a potential wife. Just date for the pleasure of some female companionship. And if theres a spark, great! If not, it isnt the end of the world! Just practice how to handle rejection. It happens to the best of men sometimes. But thank goodness...they dust themselves off and start again. Try making a new year resolution to be bold and go for it. You have to make SOME effort if you want a woman x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): I think it's okay, you are not experienced. I'm 24, and I've been dating since I was 17.. and believe you me, it's hard having to hear about a man's past. I think a lot of women, would think of you as, a breath of fresh air. When I don't have to hear about "the ex" it's wonderful! You shouldn't date just anyone, either. You need to look for a nice girl. Someone that agrees with your values, with similar interests, and gets along with your family (family oriented). I'm not sure what type of guy you are, but I would not suggest looking for a woman in a bar. The only thing you are going to find there, is a cheap, one night stand. If there are some nice places near you, where you can go out and meet singles, do that or I would suggest an online dating service. I wouldn't get on a dating site and tell my life story, but don't hold back about who you are or where you stand in life. When you find someone, take things slowly with her, then if she's what you are looking for let her know who you are. When I first started dating, I met someone that I fell hard for. I think it had to do with my lack of experience. I didn't know how to go about "dating". So the first guy that came along, that showed interest in me, in my eyes, was wonderful. I had never had that sort of attention before and it felt great. but.. It didn't give me anything but a broken heart. So, be cautious. You can get your heart broken very easily. Coming out of that is one of the hardest things you will do. It changes you, plus, it will take you even longer to find someone else. You'll have trust issues and letting go of that is very difficult. So, just keep a level head. As far as feeling, "left out" I know how you feel. I feel like people are passing me by. I'm 24, I'm not married, I'm quiet and I never get out. lol Looks has nothing to do with it, either. I know I'm pretty. I get told often enough. but.. It's hard trying to find someone you are compatible with. There are a lot of mean, nasty people in the world. You have to try and find good people. So, the next time you see a woman you are interested in, go up and talk to her. Don't use one liners. Don't act desperate. Start out friendly, then ask her out to dinner. Maybe go for a walk. As for not knowing how to kiss, well, you will know what you're doing, once you've done it. (just be slow and soft) for the first one. So, since I've wrote you a book, I'll stop I hope this helps. Good Luck! =)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): you need to get out there and start going on dates, online dating, or whatever... the longer you wait the more messed up in the head you will be about it, despite the fact that there are people out there even much older than you in your boat... basically get out there and get your first kiss and your first everything, get that over with, and date date date till you find one to your liking... you can kiss and do physical stuff even if she's not the girl of your dreams, but keep dating till you find one you really like for keeps... oh, and don't worry about how to kiss and have sex, it comes naturally, just do whatever... and remember that whoever your first girlfriend will be you'll have to trust her enough to tell her about your past... she may end up being the same person as the first person you kiss and have sex with, or she may not... listen I have a close friend whose 36 and she still hasnt' had her first anything yet, and me well my husband was my first and only everything at the age of 20... and please don't beat yourself up too much over it, in many Asian countries average age of first intercourse is something like in the early twenties... way different then westernized countries... you're not as out of place as you think you are...
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A
male
reader, Alwayswondering  +, writes (5 December 2010):
Hello there.
I am the same the way as you. Except I am 19, and I have had one relationship that failed. I will spare you the cheap advice that everybody (including my friends) that give me. Of course I appreciate their concern. As to the "little sister comment". Here how I view this. People in my age ranged, 15-20, seem to have this idea that relationships are the latest fashion trend. I abhor this a lot. People are not bloody fashion. I wouldn't worry about it. Relationships in this age range tend to fail, although not all. Also, in my experiences in relationships and my friends, the guy does everything. It's kind of funny that in the world of relationships we adhere to this traditional notion "the guy has to ask the person out, or the guys has to make the first move", yet girls get the benefits of the changes of this "traditional model". I don't think you change yourself. If you do, it's not you right? So when you find someone, she is thinking that she is dating you, but when she is not really.
How I view our situation if you will. If I like a girl, and it gets to the point where I want to be with her, I will ask her out. If I fail, I fail. But I damn well try something. I have been accustomed that a girl will not fall out of the sky for me. I have also been accustomed that I have to take the initiative in this dating world. Even though I think the initiative should be equal. I hope I helped, rate my answer please and let me know if I helped you in anyway.
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A
female
reader, BeautifulCapricorn +, writes (5 December 2010):
you know what, im 24 and although ive dated in the past, its been 4 years sice ive been single. just like you, im educated, good job, good and gentle person, virgin, i get compliments all the time so i know that i am attractive yet im still single! it is frustrating at times but you know what, i dont worry about it much ... i would like you to do the same ... your time will come, although i should ask you ... Do you approach women and let them know you are single and think that they are attractive and would like to take them out? for me it is alittle different because i am a girl but for a guy, it is better for you to approach women... you will be rejected by some for whatever reason but keep trying and you will finally get someone.
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