A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I keep ending up in two types of relationships and I have no idea how this keeps happening! I either end up in one where it becomes nothing but sex, or one where the guy WILL NOT let me not date him or break up with him. The guys who DO want a relationship are complete control freaks who later feel the need to "punish" me for breaking it off with them. Or, they turn it around on me so that I'M the bad guy. If I knew what I was doing (or not doing), I would obviously change it! I've asked for advice before and I've been told, "That's something you need to figure out". Well ... I obviously haven't figured it out! Otherwise, I wouldn't BE in these situations!My current boyfriend is GREAT, and it started off wonderfully too. Our first month or two was wonderful, but we had to keep it on the down-low because we both lived in places where we weren't allowed to have opposite-gender contact. His place of living was less strict than mine, so he got away with more. Well, I relapsed on alcohol (I'd had more sober time then he did) and I felt bad, but didn't get kicked out and got back on my feet. He was (and IS) doing SO MUCH for me. He's paying my rent (I wasn't ALLOWED to work b/c of where I lived and then after that it was hard to FIND work b/c of my wreckage of my past), buying me bus passes to get things done, and got me a gym membership. He also gives me discounted vitamins and makes sure I eat. He knows the physical aspect of recovery more than anyone. Understandably, he feels I'm taking advantage of hid kindness and help and I hate doing that because I've damn near ruined a good thing! But I get frustrated b/c despite all he does for me, most of the time, or relationship is "just sex". IN that he'll pick me up, say he can't afford to take me out (that's fine, nothing wrong with a picnic or sitting in the library reading ... I've told him this, those are my favorite dates anyway). So, it ends up hiding in a park having sex or performing oral (usually I'm the one performing on him b/c of logistics). He says he feels guilty and that he isn't using me. At the same time, from the very moment I told him I was NEVER having anal and didn't plan on it ... he has been obsessed with having anal with me even though he'd never done it before and thought it was a gross idea! He persuaded me to let him lick me there, then try a thumb (very slow and gentle, I'll give him that), and then two fingers and then told me that the circumference of his penis isn't much bigger ... the main reason I don't want to do it is because 1) I'm afraid of pain, I mean, it's just a 'full' rather than pleasurable feeling and while it doesn't hurt, I'm afraid of the length (he's rather small, but still) and 2) I hate regular sex from behind because my face is jammed into a pillow, I can't see his face, he goes in too deeply, I can't do anything to touch him, and it's just so impersonal. When I finally brought this up to a sober support (he was encouraging me to finally talk to women), I didn't use his name at all and they told me it was my body and I needed to put my foot down ... he was FURIOUS that I would bring this up. But he could bring up my relapses and everyone keeps telling him to dump me. He feels he cannot just completely do that b/c he does care about me and knows I will go crazy if I end up on the streets. Why would I sabotage such a good thing?The previous two guys started off great: flirting, joking around, they were interested in me even though I wasn't doing anything sexual nor was I dressed that way. We'd talk, joke around, go out to dinner or grocery shopping and it was great ... then as soon as we had sex, that changed. With "Johnny" I purposely tried to only see him twice a week, between (rehab) classes and it basically just turned into just sex and an occasional walk in the park or coffee from McDonald's and in a way, I thought he was trying to make up for just sex. But the talking and joking around stopped. And he acted annoyed I texted "too much" because no one needed to know we were seeing each other b/c of where I lived and because his mom is best friends with my cousin, who would have told the house I lived in in a heart-beat that I was seeing someone. With "Brian", same thing. I was living on my own then, and so was he. We joked, flirted, I spent the night and he cooked me dinner and it was great. We cuddled and talked and I turned him down for sex and he was concerned about whether I'd be comfortable spending the night. At that point, I hadn't acted sexual so I don't know what gave the impression I wanted to: I pulled away after we kissed and I'd only done that out of shock, we were just talking and he laid one on me! Well, every weekend after that, he made me feel REALLY unwelcome there. Told me I should be "more prepared" in that I should have eaten before I came or brought my own food (but he had something to say about that too because he thought what I brought was 'nasty'), that I should have showered before coming over so I wouldn't have to when I got there (I only showered after sex, in which he defeated the point my bending me over in the shower), and so on. Even though it was only once a week and I let HIM do the calling (he didn't want me to call b/c he didn't want ppl knowing our business), he still told me I was "really wearing out the welcome" because "it drags out too long". I finally told him that I wasn't going to have sex with him until he started treating me with more respect and he went off on me, saying that I was just trying to manipulate him and tossed me out of his house! Also, he'd gotten mad when I told him I was on my period and asked why I'd bothered to come over. He didn't want to even HEAR about a person being on her period (shouldn't you stop being that squeamish in about fifth grade?). He also kept insinuating that I had an STD because I have bumps on my nipples (skin tags) and bumps all over my body (non-cancerous tumors) and that I should be embarrassed to take my clothes off (believe me, I already struggle with being self-conscious).OK, I didn't get the change to get into the guys who WON'T take "NO" for an answer (those who won't let me not date them, those who worm their way into the center of my life and won't get out or at least want people to THINK we're dating), and who act like control freaks (won't take "NO" for sex because I'm the one who "started it". When I tried to cuddle? It meant sex. When I stared off to the side and initiated nothing and just let them get it done and over with? I was being a bitch who didn't deserve to enjoy sex because I was too lazy to work on it). When I tried to break up with them? Punishment time. One guy video taped us having sex and threatened to post it online if I didn't back down and start working on the relationship. Another video taped me smoking weed/drinking with people and threatened to send it to my PO (he did it anyway, to punish me for dumping him). A third guy had some of his friends and him take turns calling for noise violations and drug use and even told my boss they thought I was stoned (yes, they raised enough suspicion to get me fired). I had to move back home with my over-restrictive parents who made sure that they and their church members I was raised with were ON MY ASS ALL THE TIME. I STILL have not gained back any trust or respect and basically only moved out of there when I went to rehab. They took it upon themselves to put themselves on the visitor list and forbid me to have anyone else on there. Even though it was SUPPOSED to be confidential, they'd claim "emergency" and one of the caseworkers cheerfully gave out my schedule so they could "show up" wherever I was. My family is VERY against AA and NA because they feel that all you need is to live a moral life. So they're semi-harrassing me too: I live in my own apartment, but they asked for a neighbor's number and she's more than happy to tell them anything they want to know. What do I do to stop being controlled by everyone all my life? I'm practically turning cartwheels to prevent this and it STILL happens. When I try to command more respect or privacy, it means I'm "Hiding thing" and it's room for investigation and people like my family/neighbors refuse to keep their mouths shut, yet they get away with murder!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2015): OP here. I'm really not sure what I'm doing to "let it" happen, and I don't know how to get people to take me seriously when I say no. I try to say no (to certain sex acts, and in the past sex in general or relationships in general) but I feel like I suddenly turn invisible when I try to set boundaries or there are consequences or punishments for trying to set them. Like, I have been told by my parents and church members and past (and current) boyfriends that I "have no right to be mad". Or just "You're wrong and that's the end of it". It seems like it's my fault for not setting boundaries but no one wants to listen when I do!I did call up one of my sober supports and show this post to her and she told me that I needed to break up with the guy altogether. She checked my fridge, took me to a pantry, and bought a bunch of the perishable items (in bulk) for me. Then, she took me to welfare and got me re-signed back up on food stamps and medicaid (well, we're waiting but that's why she got me the foods and things). She also went and bought this and next month's bus pass with the promise to call her every day and to answer as soon as I can when she calls. My assignment is to make an itinerary like I had in rehab: including meetings, church, job searching, and appointments. She gave me a list of every woman's-only meeting in the area and how to get there by bus. But breaking it off with the guy is going to be the hard part, I just feel like I owe him. For all he did for me and he did to a lot b/c I do know he cares. And I'm not sure what he's going to do, like if he's going to call my PO and tell him about when I messed up, or if he's going to call my family and tell them more about what's going on than they need to know...Part of the reason I couldn't wait to get out of the house was BECAUSE they were so strict and in my business all the time. The did this though college too, with surprise visits, demanding a syllabus from every class as well as the passwords to all things I used online. They even bought me a brand-new NICE phone, only to tell me when I got it that they wanted a printout of all calls and texts and they put an app on there that e-mailed them every place I looked up online. AND they had a GPS feature on it too, to make sure I went where I said I was going (this is before I even got mixed up in alcohol, sex, and drugs).
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (7 July 2015):
This keeps happening to you because you let it. Stand up for yourself and don't do anything that you don't want to.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (7 July 2015):
 As a totally amature psychologist...I'm tempted to believe that I bet your mother was dominated by your father and you've inherited this "attraction" to men that feel a need to dominate women. I suspect you'll need to be somewhat more pickey in your dating world and do more complete and acurate assessment of the character of the prospective date. Don't fear saying no to a man that wants to ask you out. You just need to break out of a cycle that you may be unconciously perpetuating due to a subconciously learned trait that is somehow attractive at first, then goes sour. best of luck
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 July 2015):
 WhenCowsAttack has fantastic advice for you. Aidan has good insight as well. You're not in any position to be taking on relationships, especially ones where you are letting others do everything for you.
To be honest, you're being controlled because of the consequences of your past actions. However, when it comes to these guys you've been with, they're doing it for self-serving reasons, seeing you as a vulnerable opportunity.
You, on the other hand, like WCA said, shouldn't be with guys while on rehab. You should be learning a new way to live, without substances and alcohol, without having other people do the basics of life for you (eating, taking care of yourself, making a living, having dreams). Your mindset is even not good for choosing people.
Otherwise, people have taken control of your life because you have lost control of your life. You live by rules from your PO (urine or blood tests), rehab, therapy, and you're in no condition to be with guys who want sex, because instead of using your frustration for independence to propel you to learning the self-sufficiency skills you've been lacking, you're acting out, choosing guys who are using you, deflecting that frustration to making sure these guys are the opposite of the skills that would be good for you, and then dealing with the breakup with even more destructive behavior, starting the rehab, PO, family cycle all over from day one.
To make the analogy, you're starting to build a sandcastle, you get scared because the sandcastle is starting to look good, so you attach yourself to a bad sandcastle building partner, he messes up the sandcastle, and you react by destroying the rest of the sandcastle. Then sandcastle partner is gone, and you have to start all over again. The sandcastle is your self-actualized, self-independent new life. You keep taking on these guys because you're afraid of actually moving to self-sufficiency.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2015): You said when you try to command more privacy people think you are hiding. Isn't because of your addiction?
Honestly for mepeople who are addicts are always addicts. I believe that only very small percentage recovers totally.
I don't know what it is to be an addict, though I can drink quite a bit of wine when in a mood and out.
While you are letting men take careof you like this guy does expect control from them. Why is he buying you bus tickets? Why he pays your rent? Seems like he is using his position of keeping you by demanding sexual favors.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (7 July 2015):
There is so much to this.
My heart really goes out to you. About your boyfriends: you’re vulnerable, and a good controller can spot a vulnerable person a mile off. Past boyfriends, wanting sex, have belittled you horribly and made you feel inadequate and like you don’t have a say in what happens to your own body. You think so little of yourself that you don’t think you can protest or simply don’t care enough to put up a fuss. They tricked you, used and abused you. Your current boyfriend is not much better. He has a saviour complex. Does he love to remind you of your addictions? Does he take quite an interest in your frailties and the horrible things that have happened to you in your past? He wants to be able to depend on you being there by making you need him. He wants to pick you up, rescue you and be the hero for it. People with a saviour complex delight in your past heartbreaks: the addictions, the failed relationships, the family dramas, whatever. They convince themselves that they’ll take all this away, but not always out of love. He wants your recovery to depend on him, and he sees the sex as his reward for being so wonderful. Why would you possibly not want to please him back somehow?
I’m afraid that in your current situation it’s pretty difficult to advise you how to not pick up people waiting to exploit your vulnerability to make you depend on them. With no job, no money, no self-esteem, an addiction and a need for a man to make sure you eat and take care of yourself, you’re the perfect candidate. I’m so sorry to have to say that to you. Please, try and be on your own until you get yourself on your feet. Get well, get some friends and get some independence. Learn, with your support, to value yourself enough to see that some-one will want you for the wonderful person you are, and that they’ll be lucky to have you.
I’d also really encourage you not to be too harsh on your parents. They are doing the wrong things but out of love. Go and see them. Tell them that you understand their feelings, but encourage them to understand how these anonymous organisations work. AA is very much about putting trust in God, accepting the things you can’t change and finding the courage to change that which you can. In a way, it is about being a moral person. It’s about people who have a common struggle trying to support each other. That’s exactly what many churches do, with all manner of addictions. It has a long, Christian history.
This might sound harsh but at the moment you need to let go a bit. You need to let some-one take control and help you. What you’ve got is some-one who’s doing that so you rely on him, and he can feel secure that you’ll never leave however much he uses you. That’s not what you want from recovery. IT’s getting your independence, and your ability to manage your own life back, gradually, bit by bit. You’ll have more control now if you ask for help, than if you stay with this man who is calling all the shots. You don’t even feel able to decline a sexual act that you dislike and that hurts you. That’s not a life to recover for.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (7 July 2015):
OK, as a woman in my forties who had major drug and alcohol problems in my 20s, and abusive relationships also, I feel fairly qualified to give advice here.
Firstly, you are starting relationships WHILE STILL IN REHAB? That is a big no-no all by itself. You are still vulnerable, your brain hasn't had time to get back on the right track, and your serotonin levels are way off. I'm sure that you were told that relationships at all are a bad idea for at least the first year. They call them experts for a reason. Listen to them.
Second, the woman you spoke with is absolutely correct. It is your body and you shouldn't let anyone do anything you aren't comfortable with.
Third, you are playing victim. He makes sure you eat? Gives you bus passes? Why can't you do these things yourself? And don't tell me it is because of your past. You are talking to a woman with no fewer than 5 felony convictions for possession of illegal drugs. A woman who has slept under every bridge in the city I live in. A woman who, determined to make something of herself, went out and got a job straight out of rehab, felonies and all, a woman now in her forties who, while not rich, makes about 50k a year and is married to the best friend she ever had.
You can do this. YOU can do this. Screw depending on this guy. Screw the attitude of "I can't, I messed up my past". Until you change your attitude, and quit depending on some guy to "save" you.
It's time for you to save yourself.
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