A
female
age
51-59,
*reedomatlast
writes:I recently read an article in regards to a women in a relationship with a married man for 18 years and some of the comments were pretty harsh, understandable, but harsh. Like her, I too was in a long term relationship with a married man, 13 years. It's a little crazy because we all(him, the wife and I) grew up together in the same neighborhood and even as teenagers we fooled around. Years later I pursued him. Call me a home wrecker, however, he was neither forced or threaten he came willingly. Now like any other cheater, he has promised divorce, and other things to "make our relationship official" and I like a dummy has sat there and waited. I am now being harassed by the wife via FB, text, unknown calls and had to actually have her arrested. I am really at the point that I don't want anything to do with him, but here's the problem i have a son that he has established a father and son relationship with and he uses that stay in my space. How can i get rid of him and not hurt my son?
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female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (15 January 2010):
You are still responsible for endangering your son by your cheating and lying and making him develop a close relationship with a liar and a cheater. You have involved your son in your deceitful relationship and whilst I don't condone the wife threatening him, you are still fully responsible. You can't use a child as a pawn to lure someone's husband then expect everything to just be perfect. Like the others have said, cut contact with him for yourself and for your son's sake. As for the wife, sometimes one apology isn't good enough. Sometimes saying it a couple of times is what a person needs to move on. And an apology where you justify your actions is not an apology either.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2010): Hi, I'm one of the female anons who answered before. It sounds as though his wife got driven a bit crazy by all of this. Threatening your son is not good but I'm sure it's unlikely she would have harmed him. Sounds like she was so angry and upset she just wanted to hurt you back, unnerve you, something like that .. hard to say really without knowing her and knowing what she is like. 'The truth is rarely pure & never simple' (Oscar Wilde!). These posts can be hard to answer because there usually IS much more to a story. However the bottom line is that married men are bad news and only very rarely to they leave their wives, very rarely, so it's a bit of a dodgy gamble, then there's the guilt. I can understand that if someone feels they married the wrong person this can be upsetting but they should deal with it the proper way and become single again before dating and if they have met the love of their love whilst married, that person should back off whilst they look at the marriage and really think about what they are doing etc .. Keeping two womeno on the go at once, long term, without making a proper decision is really really selfish. Anyway one way or another, it really does sounds as though you are better off out of the whole situation really. If his wife is still angry then you could be at risk so it's best to stay away and let her calm down. Once you're focusing on your son and yourself and your own life and friends I'm sure you will start to slowly feel better. Maybe take a short holiday with your son & a friend/family member if you can. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Freedomatlast +, writes (14 January 2010):
Freedomatlast is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate all the comments and it is helping me more than you know. There is so much more to this story and I would like to share it with you. As far as the arrest it was not only the FB, Text or by phone that i was being harassed and yes i had a HUGE part to play in that. Yes she had every right to be "pissed" off and I don't blame her but when she began calling my job and saying thinks like " Oh I see your F*&king son outside playing" was definitely alarming being that we no longer leave in the same neighborhood. Not to be funny but i watch enough "snapped" to know when things are a bit out of hand. Like many have suggested I am putting more focus on my son and our happiness minus the Loser.... THANK YOU....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2010): Hello. This post is really sad. 13 years of his wife's life, 13 years of your life & a little boy of 9 who is probably quite worried & stressed out about it all. This is the reality of secrets and lies! It might all start off as harmless fun with no intentions for it to carry on for very long but it nearly always ends in disaster. Your son deserves decent role models & there are plenty of them around so maybe you should focus on bringing him up to be a young man to be proud of and this might channel some of your energies & upset re your lover in a more positive way. I think your physical and mental efforts should be focused on your son and yourself, for you both to have a happy, healthy life. Value your life, your son, your health, build a good future for yoursel & your child. Look at how this man has dragged you down, to the point of getting into a humiliating situation with his wife, which must be leaving both you and the wife feeling bad all round. We have only got one life and your son deserves a good stable upbringing with reliable adults and the can come in form of teachers, aunts & uncles and maybe a man when you get yourself a decent guy who is there for you. Wouldn't you rather have a nice man who can spend weekends with you and take you on holiday and spend proper quality time with you. Good luck & look after that little boy! Life can be bitch.......don't let his life be a bitch because of this married loser x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2010): This post is just a pure example of how dangerous infidelity can be. As for you calling the police to report his wife and him encouraging you, how absolutely awful for that poor woman. Why did he have so much power over you that he could actually influence you to do something so dreadful to her? You don't give proper details of what she actually did to warrant this treatment (excuse the pun!) apart from 'harrassing' you on FB or by text (define 'harrassment' exactly, in this context?) but even if she did get angry with you or cause you to feel concerned, she did it because of her husband betraying her. Maybe she felt so distraught that she temporarily behaved out of character (like women whose husbands cumulatively provoke them resulting in an uncharacteristic act of aggression by the wife, hence the laws on cumulative provocation & temporary insanity!). What sort of man has an affair for 13 years then encourages his mistress to have his wife arrested! It sounds like something of a weird freak movie to be honest! She gave him her whole life for 12 years, in trust, under marriage vows etc & if she, or he have their faults, which caused problems for them, he needs to deal with it properly, not by having an affair for 13 years! Well you have done your bit by apologising to her and at least you seem sorry etc .. now the best thing is to really take your time to reflect on all this, learn from it, move on, be a good mother to your son because he deserves it, leave the wife well aone and leave your ex lover to stew in his own self made mess! She deserves better and so do your son & yourself actually. It must be an unpleasant situation for you and your son but try and get through it and look forwards not backwards. All the best.
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A
female
reader, Freedomatlast +, writes (13 January 2010):
Freedomatlast is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your input even the ones that found my statements self righteous and cold. Yes, I acknowledge my wrong doing and yes i have sent her a letter of apology because like her I am human and a woman. 13 years is a long time and FYI my son is 9 years old. As far as me having to contact the authorities, the only reason i did that was because her threats we no longer directed at me it was directed at my son. As far as the lying, cheating, loser he was aware that i called the police and actually encouraged me to do it. Oh, i definitely know the Karma is coming, in what form i will never know, but it's coming. Also let me clarify that the wife and I were never friends we just knew each other from the hood. Thanks again...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2010): I think this guy is a coward you have been propping up for years. I had a similar situ to you but managed to dig myself out of the mess after 5 years - but it was hard. I hung on because I could not get away from the guy and when I tried to pull away he practically stalked me. In the end it was this that finished it - I could see him for the pathetic man he really was. You have simply gone after an unavailable man and unfortunately the reality is you have a problem with your own self worth. Why would you put up with that for so long... if you actually thought much of your own happiness? I know how you feel. This guy is prepared to let his wife abuse you (and yes - she has every right to be wild with annoyance) because he does not have the balls to come clean. She needs to turn her anger on her husband - after all it is of his making in terms of their marriage. Now is the time time walk away good and proper. I did it. So can you. Your son needs protecting and actually you have already hurt him but not valuing your own life, with him. He will understand if you replace this unhealthy time with this man with happy times - just you and your son. Visit new places, try an activity together. Please see this as an opportunity to get away and move on. It is surely time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2010): Just because he comes 'willingly' it doesn't mean you actually have to entertain him.
Re his wife 'harrassing' you via FB & text............you are a mature lady with enough basic I.T skills to be able to USE FB so surely you are aware of how easy it is to block someone from contacting you....well if you didn't know before, you know now! re the phone, you can easily block someone's number or change your simcard & give the new number to your friends/family etc ..
Aside from all of that, I'm not surprised that his wife is angry. Why would you have her arrested? Your post doesn't really add up very much .. it sounds as though you haven't really thought any of this through at all. Karma is a bitch you know!
Re the man, he is a liar and a cheat so why do you want him as a male role model for your son? You children need to have role models who are stable and reliable with good values otherwise how can they grow up into properly functioning adults.
Is he prepared to divorce his wife and marry you? Do you want him to do this? If hed does, are you not scared he will cheat on you too?
Re your son, if he and this married guy want or need to stay in touch, they can do so without you needing to be involved. They can meet up for a coffee on neutral ground once things have settled down, or they could keep in touch by email. If I were the wife, I would prefer that your son visited my husband at our home so that I could be sure that it is purely a relationship between the two of them and not involving you.
I am not judging you. Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes in life but it sounds as though you didn't try hard enough to sort out the problems between his wife & yourself and you went ahead and called the police on her! That is a very harsh thing to do I must say. Poor woman! So her husband has an affair for over a decade, gets himself another 'son', then when she tries to talk to you about it or express her upsets to you, she gets arrested and it's all turned around on her and SHE is made to feel like a criminal/stalker. Can you not see how cruel and unfair that is to her?
As to your actual question 'how can I get rid of him and not hurt my son?' - you started to expose your son to the possibility of hurt the minute you started going out with a married man because anyone going out with a married man is signing up for uncertainty and being second best. It's a bit of a case of bolting the stable door after the horse as bolted really. There are loads of guys out there who would make great partners and stepdads and you were a woman in your prime and a married man just isn't worth it. To further answer your question, if you feel your son benefits from having this man in his life, make it very very crystal clear that he can see him, away from your home and with the full knowledge and agreement (if she is willing) of his wife (I presume they are staying together?). Also, I would really send her a genuine email apologising and admitting that you chased him and then maybe she might be able to salvage her marriage and feel a bit better about things. He sounds like a weak man anyway, a loser, a liar, a cheat, easily tempted etc .. Men like him a 'two a penny' really. But nonetheless he is her husband, she married him, she loves him I guess and so the main priority here should be her. I dread to think how she feels. Your son will grow up, make his own life and friends etc .. and he may find good role models of his own, perhaps a committed teacher, or a good boss, an uncle of his own .. who knows! For now, your son is not this man's priority - his own wife and family are! Sorry for the long post and if this sounds harsh but it's not meant to be a diatribe of invective aimed at you .. just food for thought in the hope that you will think about this woman and her feelings and do the right thing and stop, step back and think, really think ... You are young enough to learn from your mistakes, meet someone else etc .. The bottom line now is that it is all out in the open, lots has happened and if he wants to be with you and your son, he will divorce his wife and do so. However, be wary that if he does this, it is only because his hand was forced!! If he really wanted it, he would have done it already, before she found out!
I always empathise with anyone who is distressed or in emotional pain because I know how it feels and I don't think people always mean to be bad or selfish and often we are just 'unthinking' but we need to grow up and learn from our mistakes too, all of us. I hope this is of at least some help in putting perspective in things. Your son will be fine if you give him the right support and encourage him to do productive useful activities and focus on his own life and as I said before, if the wife agrees, maybe her husband and your son can be friends. It is after all not your son's fault - he and the wife are innocent in all of this. All the best to all of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2010): " I don't think he will try to blow your door down" you are right anon male. her married lover will not try to blow her door down he will only try to pry her legs open , as he has been doing for 13 years.
what did you do with your sons ligitimate father that you forced this paternity onto your married lover. how do you explain to your son about your married lovers presence in your life. does your son know your lover is married and that you were/are the lovers wife's friend. how does your son view is mummy. has he lost any respect for you yet? or have you casually explained the MMs presence in your life. how many lies have you had to tell your son in all these years. how have you clouded your son's judgement regarding right and wrong. how old is your son? a toddler, a teenager, an adult???
your son is actually better of without the married lover in his life. he will adjust. he adjusted without his biological father. the onl person who still needs the lover in her life is YOU. and sadly you will not stop. you want him. you are just playing hard to get. basically you are showing him that he cannot do without you and you think by pretending to cut of contact your lover will come back, for good.
watch out your games don't backfire on you. you may not like being on the receiving end, same as his wife who doesn't like a cheating husband.
what is your married lovers stance now that he has been outed as a cheating scroundrel.
having his wife arrested will do nothing to avoid your name being dragged through the mud. you can call on all the authorities to defend your "honour" but really what honour is there?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2010): THe legitimate wife is the wronged person in this trio. You are the usurper. You even declare that the wife's husband knows you as a teenager and that for thirteen years you have been his mistress to the point that your son views him as his father, so to speak. Yet you summoned the police on his wife because she dare defy you. If you wanted him so badly why didn't you fight for him when he was available and free prior to his marriage to your mutual friend, his wife.If you really mean what you say you should move and cut off all contact. If you are not prepared to do that, start saying no to his requests. I don't think he will try to blow your door down. It's your fault entirely that your son has his head and emotions muddled by his presence in your home. You need to get a legitimate boyfriend, partner to set your son straight. It's a pity that you did not respect your mutual female friend, his wife.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (13 January 2010):
You can't 'not' hurt your son. But you really need to cut contact with this man very quickly. Clearly his wife is going to raise hell for a while, and you and your son need to get away. And don't forget, the man isn't a good father role model if he's there cheating on his wife. You don't want your son to end up like that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2010): to the MODS, kindly allow this post :
"Years later I pursued him. Call me a home wrecker, however, he was neither forced or threaten he came willingly." WOW, very confidant mistress!!!!!!!!!!!
you had his wife arrested why?? because she dared call you a homewrecker? you helped yourself to another womans husband and also got your son a ready made dad. well, kudos to you.
how to get rid of your married lover?? put a lock and key in your virgina and keep it closed and tell him that the sex is over. and do not open that lock no matter how much he begs for it. after 13 years i am sure you can do that for someone else's husband??
your post actually makes me want to throw up. cold. callous. vindictive. cruel. you have no remorse of your wrongdoing. you care NOTHING that you have destroyed this woman. in fact you relish her pain and her suffering and her humiliation. you knowingly and purposefully pursued him,, you took what you wanted even though you knew it was wrong. you stole 13 years from his wife and his family and now YOU are want to be seen as the victim. come on, have some morals, some sort of decency and even some bloody balls to acknowledge your wrongdoing. to add to all the hell you have put his wife, you get her arrested. Nice! wonder how you sleep at night. but then you have, for 13 years.
all i now have to say is that your boy has to pay the price for his corrupt mothers actions.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (13 January 2010):
 Move.
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A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (13 January 2010):
What a total waste. 13 years of your life as a brick, building his ego. Truly sad. If you are serious about cutting contact and you want the wife to stop harassing you, then you need to stop this self righteous "he came willingly" stuff. That will only serve to make her mad and rightly so. The best thing is to phone her up or send her an email and remorsefully apologise to her for having destroyed her marriage. Tell her you are now moving on and no longer want to see him and you are sorry for ruining their lives. She may still be cross but its unlikely she will be in touch again.
As for him, just tell him he can no longer come or you are telling his wife. You can tell your son they moved. He is not the biological father so there is no need for your son to grow up knowing this man and eventually learn that his mother was nothing but a mistress. When you eventually get your own man then he can be your son's male role model. You can also get your son involved in activities like Scouts etc where he will see other male role models. You have to cut all contact with him completely.
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