A
female
age
51-59,
*bouttobreak
writes:I tried to make this short but...couldn't. I kind of already know the answer to this but..thought I'd ask for advice.I have been dating someone for several months. We have had a argument every month except one about my ex husband. I have been divorced for over three years now. My ex and I have a seven year old. My ex spends time with his child and him and I are cordial for her sake. My current boyfriend has accused me of saying good bye to my ex "too friendly' once. Mind you, my ex and I are strictly friendly nothing else. We do not talk about anything but our child. My current bf also got mad one night b/c my ex called me while I was on a date with my bf and kept me on the phone too long(about 1min). Another time my bf got angry b/c I clicked over on the other line to talk to my ex while I was on the phone with my b/f. My b/f also refers to my ex in derogatory curse words that I can't type here. For my part , I did once (when we 1st started dating) tell my bf that my ex made a rude comment about my bf(they have never met). That was stupid of me I know . But I sounded upset on the phone when my bf called me one night after having a conversation with my ex and my bf kept asking me what was wrong. So, stupidly..I told him. But once I put my ex in his place he no longer made any comments about my bf. My bf and I will argue and then I'm expected to forget the argument happened and pretend that everything is ok. But I am sick of that and I have not had a real conversation with him since our last argument a week ago(which was about the ex again). My b/f told me I care too much about "other people" . When he said "other people" he meant my ex. My bf has told me he wants to harm my ex physically and that I should give my bf my ex's phone number so that he can "tell him to stay the F@# out of his business". This comment came because my ex had the nerve to ask me if I was pregnant and congratulate me. My daughter told my ex(byt current bf) I was pregnant. I don't see the harm in that?..does anyone else.Anyway, I'm beginning to think I am pregnant by a very jealous(though he denies this), controlling b/f. Am I wrong to just cut the ties and move on?..or should I try yet again to explain to him that I love only him and do not want to be without him?Recently, after an arguement about the ex of course!. My bf left a nasty voicemail message on my phone b/c I would not return his call. He called me the word that rymes with itch!...then when I finally called him he said he has made a big mistake by being with me and he should have just "used me for F@#$ing"...Please helpPS: after I wrote this my bf called and left a nasty message on my voicemail asking why I was not answering my phone and calling me the word that rhymes with itch!. When I finally called him back he told me"I have made a terrible mistake and I should of just used you for F#$$%". So, that pretty much seals it for me. I am indeed dealing with a VERY angry, controlling man.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2009):
In many ways the current bf is right- he never should have gotten into a relationship with you.
Its not that he is so controlling. He is just the type of person who needs to have secure relationship. The one where he doesnt have cause to wonder about any part of you life. So in that sense you are "damaged goods" and always will be. You are always going to have to have a relationship with your ex-husband and you share a daughter together so you are always going to have to have open lines of communication so you can parent her together.
In many ways the most important parts of your life happened before this guy came into the picture- first big white wedding, first child birth, first house together- and the new guy is playing second fiddle to that.
Some people, lots of people, can just make a business like relationship out of situation and move on. Yours isnt less of a relationship, just different now. On the other hand, a lot of guys, him included, are going to resent the fact that they are always in shadow of your first big relationship and that your ex is always going to be in the picture.
That doesnt make him a bad guy or 'controlling'. But it probably means that he is not a good match for your life. It would have been wiser to find this out before you got serious with him- that is the purpose of dating after all.
My suggested go forward for you is to be complete non-emotional about your situation. Do not get drawn into emotional fights- those are about feelings and you can rarely convince people that their feels are wrong. Instead work with him dispassionate about a set of written "rules" about how he expects you to act with your ex. Once he starts to write them down he'll realize that in order to coordinate visitation drop offs you two do needs to talk. ask him to write down how you are supposed to handle exceptions- what if she has a baseball game or a friends party and needs to be dropped of late. How is that supposed to be arranged? When can the ex call you for a non emergency? Get it all down. Are you two supposed to go to school conference together? School plays?
This has three benefits:
- it forces him to think through the realities of situations that come up for parents rather than just knee jerk reacting to something that has already come up all of a sudden.
- its harder for him to react negatively to things he has already permitted. If he knows you are in charge of Suzy's clothes then its not a big deal when you have to drop off her soccer uniform or send over her costume for the Christmas play.
- If he cant make a sane,workable list of rules that he can live with, then you know for a fact that this relationship isnt operable.
A
female
reader, abouttobreak +, writes (12 October 2009):
abouttobreak is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your comment. Did you mean I was wrong about thinking I could not swear and right about leaving him?..I belive that is what you meant.
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A
female
reader, abouttobreak +, writes (12 October 2009):
abouttobreak is verified as being by the original poster of the question
thank you for the feedback caring guy. I do appreciate it. You are right..I already know what to do
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (12 October 2009):
 There is no point in bringing a child into that world. You are a mother and cannot be married to a man like that. He WILL abuse you and possibly abuse the kid. I worked in a shelter and had that happen to me. It WILL happen. When your bf hits and/or yells at you in front of your child and she thinks its the norm. That is your fault for staying. If you put your CHILD in a situation like that your status as a mother should be put into question. We all know your bf would be a terrible father. But you have the chance to be a good mother. He is in no position to be a father.
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A
female
reader, Melys  +, writes (12 October 2009):
 Hi there,
This guy sounds extremely controlling and jealous! Without a choice, you're going to have contact with your ex husband because of your child! now if your boyfriend can't handle that, then he's just caught up in his own little selfish world!!
Take care...
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (12 October 2009):
You do know the answer don't you.
Take a look at what you've written. You've been seeing this guy and he's done nothing but be jealous and threaten your ex for no reason at all. He's leaving you nasty messages and treating you appallingly. Leave this guy and make sure you get every penny you can for that child of yours. If he continues to act this way, seriously consider a restraining order. It might be worth talking to a lawyer about all this, so he can advise you. But don't stay with him, he's going to hurt you and your children. Leave him.
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