A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Free rider? My boyfriend of 8 months now seems like a free rider..tell me.if am mistakenI didn't notice anything until it was time to go on vacation. We went to Cancun and all but 500$ was paid with my points all inclusive. 500$ went on my credit card. I asked him to pay for air tickets which was around 400$ and he said ok...after we come back. All tours went on room bill which was in my name and that was another 600$. I ended up paying 1500$. He paid 25$ for taxi home. Plus i used all my points for a whole year to pay for a week of all inclusive resort.Before we went home i showed him the bill and asked to pay half, despite the fact that my points covered 2800$ hotel cost.He agreed that he owes me now 750$. Its been a month...he still didn't pay me back and doesn't say when it will happen.I already reminded him twice...and he says next week for sure. In a mean time he goes to expensive sport events with his friends and bought himself new expensive phone.I am ready to break up with him from all this resentment i feel Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2021): I've been using this site for over a year and have found the whole thing has deteroriated a great deal. When I first came here I signed on using a proper name and avatar, I sent my email address to be confirmed so that it became permanent, but it would not go through. I contacted the site to explain this and it either would not go through or a moderator would say oh dear never mind and do nothing. I changed my email address and tried again, same thing. So of course you do not get any new agony aunts.
The money that needs to be spent on this site is not being spent on it. Some will have this crazy idea that if they owned the site they could do better, but unless they have a lot of experience in this type of thing they have no chance of that, and it also costs a lot of money. The way the site is set up that money would never come back, it has no income.
In the end many of the questions we are asked are same old same old. A lot of men want to post so called sex questions when they are really looking to diy while they write it or read the naive replies to it. A lot of women wasting their time on abusive men, losers, scammers etc and needing to have the obvious pointed out to them. It became very stale and pointless after a while. The truth is that life is too short. There is more to life than helping out strangers. And most people do not need the need to get their ego boosted this way. There are other sites out there that run such things far more effectively and efficiently they can go to and there are plenty of forums they can join up with if they want to get into a dialogue about something, which is more interesting than simply reading a question and replying to it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2021): Wiseowl is the best, Honeypie is quite good too, Codewarrior could be angry and nasty, very judgmental, arrogant, bossy and clueless. To be honest am glad he went. Some of the agony aunts seem to delight in telling people that having a horrible selfish partner is a red flag - amazing insight. I also find it amusing when someone tries to give career advice or advice on money yet at the same time you know they cannot get a job or are penniless. It makes one wonder why the person writing the question cannot see this for themselves and needs to get advice on it from a stranger. It's as if they know what they do but are putting off doing it. Looking for excuses not to.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2021): How sad to see that Dear Cupid has lost one of the best uncles
'Code Warrior' and 'Cindy Cares' they were two of the best alongside Wise owl, Cupids best. Lot of new aunts and uncles can't replace the truth though.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2021): Typo correction:
""Neither a [borrower], nor lender be." Taken from Hamlet.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2021): Suggest you tell it to him straight - that by not reimbursing you it makes him look like a free loader. Especially good to mention the money he owes you in front of family or friends, adds social pressure and might make him feel awkward enough to do it. Once he has paid up, dump him and move on. If he fails to pay up for another month, just dump and move on and cut your losses
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2021): You may have to take it as a loss; but if you can get him to sign an IOU, or sign a written agreement to pay you back; you'd have something to submit to a small claims court to get some of your money back, should he renege on your agreement.
You have every right to ask for his share of whatever the trip cost; including what was covered by "your" earned points. Unless he helped earn the points.
Now take these things into consideration as well. Does he pay for most of your outings or usually foot the bill for expensive dining and entertainment? Does he do you tons of boyfriend-favors or handyman stuff? Does he always pay for the tickets to special events and concerts, or cover the costs of (or do) your car repairs, or pay any of your bills? Some guys think they should recoup some of their personal expenses when paying for costly dates and entertainment. That's the cost of being high maintenance. If he's a cheapskate, and has moths and cobwebs in his wallet; you should have known better!
Quite honestly, you owe him no reimbursement; not unless he tells you he expects reimbursement. Self-compensation without prior notification amounts to theft or extortion in my book. Let me know if you expect payback, don't blindside me without so much as a warning that you feel I owe you something! If someone promises to pay you back; you shouldn't have to wait for it. Establish a timeframe or agreed time-limit for your reimbursement. Let them know then and there you can't accept cancellations or delays; otherwise, deal's off! Get it in writing!
"Neither a borrow, nor lender be." Taken from Hamlet.
Girlfriend, didn't your mama ever tell you never to give some man your bank cards??? Unless he is your husband, or has proven over the years he covers whatever he spends out of your pocket without having to ask him to. If he just uses your card, and nothing is said; that means it's on you, sweetheart!
You told him you expected him to pay his share, and he agreed to. That is entirely different. You have learned a valuable lesson. Don't pay for things first, and expect boyfriends to pay you back. Get his share on the spot, have your portion ready, and pay-in-full. Where big purchases are concerned, trust no-one without a signed repayment agreement or IOU.
Try and get some of your money back first, then ditch the loser! If you ditch him first, you'll have to chase him for it! Without a signed IOU, or witnessed and notarized repayment agreement; you can kiss the money good-bye! If you have signed credit or bank card receipts with his signature on it? Gotcha!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2021): This is OP.
Thank you all so much for answering.
Thank you for justifying my resentment.
Kofcalifornia..to answer your questions.
I dont know how much he makes. But not little..belive me. I think we are in same category. How is it relevant i am not sure
Vacation was my idea but he supported it wholeheartedly and how is it relevant again? We picked resort together and itvwas all inclusive so he went to anybrestaurant he wanted. Its not like i invited him and told him it was all on me.
He knew exactly what he had to pay.
Why i still didnt drop him? Because first i want to have final conversation with him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2021): I also vote for "dump him" option.
Eight months IS long enough.
I have a friend who is always freeloading when it comes to her partners. I've known her for 15 years (20- now 36) and she hasn't changed a bit. She hates being alone and she's always on the lookout for someone. She always finds excuses not to do the right thing. Btw, she KNOWS what she should do, but she doesn't do it.
She would NEVER pay you back for the plane tickets. She would find a reason not to (I cannot even imagine what she'd say).
When she left her bf of 3 years, she kept all the furniture HE had bought and somehow managed no to pay him back his part of the rental security deposit. Do I need to tell you that she left him as soon she had got a raise and could pay for that bigger apartment herself? Do I need to tell you that she insisted they moved in together so that she could get a bigger apartment? I have no idea why he put up with this, but she always finds those who will.
So... he is who he is. And if he's like that at the beginning of your relationship, well I don't need to spell this out for you - things WILL get worse.
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reader, kenny  +, writes (21 December 2021):
 To be honest this relationship has only been eight months, not really enough time to truly get to know someone. In this time he has financially taken advantage of you, which in my opinion is a huge red flag.
He say's he is going to pay you back, but in all honesty i don't think that he really has any intention to ever do so. I feel that if had any intentions of paying you back he would of refrained from going to the big sports events with his friends, and buying the expensive new phone and given you the money instead.
This is always going to be a case of will pay you tomorrow, and each day you will get some excuse as to why he has not payed.
I think i would be inclined to put this down to experience, a learning curve, finish with him and move on.
Yes its been an expensive mistake for you, but at least you can take hindsight with you in to your next relationship and know not to do this again.
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reader, Kofcalifornia +, writes (21 December 2021):
Obviously you are smart enough to see he is using you. That resentment that you are feeling is for a reason. So i want to know why you havent dumped him already? Is it because he is very attractive or is the sex that great? Be honest with yourself. We all know what the correct thing to do is but is that what you really want? Also how much $$ do you earn and how much does he earn? This is important to consider. Also whose idea was it to go on vacation. If you only went because your points were about to expire then its pretty unfair of you to force this debt upon him. He was only there because he was obligated to go as your boyfriend. Im sure he enjoyed himself but he probably sees it as you invited him so it was your treat. I have a feeling it was really your vacation more than it was his. Meaning you went where you wanted to go stayed at your choice of hotel ate at your restaurants and he didnt do what he would have wanted to if it was him paying most of the trip. In that situation you probably would not feel like paying him back either. If the second situation is the case then you basically set yourself up for failure and the resentment you feel is your own fault. Dont be dumb and lose a partner over something you brought upon yourself. What did he really do wrong then???
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2021): When will you girls learn. When you meet a new guy ask him his job, find out an idea of his income and expenditure. If he earns a lot less than you and/or spends it far quicker than you do your own money then don't even date him. You don't spend and spend and then find out later, you find out before! Anyway, if you work hard and have a good job why would you want to be with a guy who is not the same? Someone who is a loser or lazy? F
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 December 2021):
 Urgh!
Take the loss, OP, and just dump him.
This is going to happen over and over, HE is a user. The reason he can go to all these expensive sports events is that YOU paid for the vacation.
Maybe blast him on socials? It might make him feel bad enough to pay and then dump him. lol.
All in all, this is NOT a guy that is worth your time.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (20 December 2021):
 It has only taken him 8 months to show his true self. He has money to go out with his friends and to spend on a new phone but not to pay you back? He is showing you - loud and clear - that you are not a priority to him. Treat him the same way and dump his free-loading ass.
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