A
male
age
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*ontKnow
writes:In the beginning, please note that this is the very first time ever that I write about my marriage or talk about it with anyone.I am 45 and she is 43 and we’ve got four marvellous children. During our 19 years of marriage and 23 years of knowing each other, we had major ups and downs in our life. At some stage, we lost everything and life was simply miserable. Three years ago, we emmigrated to a new country and the our family was gratefully given a second chance. Now, we are having our best luck ever. I have a fantastic and very rewarding job and the kids are doing very well in life and school. I am also undertaking PhD, something that I always have been dreaming to do. Simply, things cannot be better for my family and me. My wife has always been a loyal housewife – loyal to being so but maybe not in being that. Anyway, I wanted her to have more of life. I arranged for her to get some language education to enable her to get a job or more education in the future, but she just did not take this chance. Instead of grabbing the opportunity, she stubbornly slept in on so many days and acted as she says she used to do when she was a little girl in school! Despite the tremendous cost of the course, she deliberately failed herself to benefit from it in a very obvious stubborn manner.It’s not that she is simply resisting self-changing to the better, but she is also trying to obstacle the endeavours of everyone else in the family, including the kids. In brief, she is simply negative. She is just from those people who would never answer you when you ask them how are you by replying good, but rather saying not too bad or not bad. It is just like being bad is the norm and being not bad or not too bad is a ‘good’ situation that deserves to be announced to others, maybe with a little bit of bitterness for not being really not good. She would do everything she can to let the kids and me miss on things that we either have to do or really enjoy. For example, she could arrange for visits or whatever to distract me from my PhD studies, she would not find the car key so one of the kids would miss on the hockey game, she would put my sport cloths in the washing machine while she knows I will be going to the gym in 15 minutes, and so on.I’ve always been the caring loving partner and parent. She always seemed supportive. However, the actual fact was that I’ve been the giver and she’s been the taker. I admit that it was partially my mistake. I shouldn’t have thanked her unlawfully between us and in front of others for things that she did not really do, things that she doesn’t have and things that she even may have done incorrectly but I made them look like they’re fine. I now realise that I was lying to myself, to her and to others simply because I was hopping that the lie would come true. Well, this did not happen at all. I was so worried that our marriage would fail, and she would show to be party to this failure. I am not an angle and I am not totally selfless, but I’ve never been as honest as I am now saying this. I am also not stupid. I just feel unbelievably bitter now.Now, I feel like I’ve had enough. Recently, I’ve found that I have to be rather very critical about things that she does. I do not like this but feel without any other choice. She, of course, would never admit to be mistaken. She even is never ready to think that she can do wrong. She believes she is perfect and she makes it clear that she does not accept my remarks. To give an example, I’ve recently had some respiratory problems. I made it clear to her that I need to avoid exposure to chemicals as much as I can. In front of everyone, she was so sympathetic and loving. However, when I asked for some more time to rest today in the morning before going shopping, she decided that the bedroom needs a BIG spray of air refreshing. That made me cough for about two hours. In the evening, I talked to her about that and she replied: “Well, so what? Do you just want to make me look like doing wrong things? I do not want to discuss this matter any more.” By the way, I normally talk very quietly and she normally shouts. What is amazing here is that I know that I am the stronger party in this relationship and, hence, act accordingly and confidently trying to provide her with strength and comfort. In return, she abuses my patience and me. Her stubborn disposition is unbelievable. She does not think that I have the right to express my thoughts, my hopes and myself.She’s always complaining and nagging for the most trivial reasons. When I ask here to be positive about life she accuses me of being superficial. She would really be very worried about the possibility of having nothing to worry about tomorrow. I am not kidding. She would sometimes say: “What? Do you want me stop worrying? What if things go wrong? Wouldn’t I be right then that I started worrying early enough”. She is just turning every possible enjoyable minute in our family’s life into unbearable misery. In our recent big long awaited holiday, she really gave us the grieve because of the possibility that we could be going the wrong way, that the motel reservation could be cancelled without us knowing, the whether may suddenly change, the billows in the motel may be too stiff or too soft, the people in the next unit may dislike children, and so on and so on of such illusions. She also sees that she is a better driver than I am though I’ve been driving for more than 25 years now. By the way, I just trained her to drive less than two years ago. She claims to be working hard at home to maintain the family and our lives, but she is just a waster. For example, she would hide the leftovers in a “dark corner” in the fridge for days until they go bad and have to be thrown away. She would always try to cock for two or three days. The kids would like something new ever day. Hence, they would not eat the same food the next day. Leftovers would accumulate and be hidden in the fridge. Eventually, we need not just to sustain ourselves as a family, but also to sustain a rubbish bin with unmatched appetite. It’s not just the food, but this applies to all aspects of our lives as a family. She lectures about maintaining clean homes and our home is practically excluded from this notion.Well, I feel like I could go on writing forever. I am really exhausted. I just want to end my suffering and neutralise effects on the kids. I also do not want to hurt her. However, I think I most owe it to myself. I just need a solution. Naturally, I am sincere and would try to stick to relationships and obligations. She knows that and has been misusing it. She is not really evil, but she is being stupidly so. To be totally fair, I get some emotional warmth every now and then from her. But it is not enough; especially that this has become the rare exception. With no emotions, I am incapable of having intimate relations. Hence, I am sexually unsatisfied. I would say that she is not too. I am not sure if this matters to her. In brief, all aspects of my life are very threatened because of this relationship that I would hate to see it breaking. But I really want to live happily. I see that she is just turning into a self- destroying person who would also destroy other people’s lives. It is really amazing that for some when life turns to be good with them, they turn to be bad with it and with themselves. Sometimes my wife would yell at me: “Do you just want to live happily without worries?” Well, I do. Yes I do. 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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2007): You and your wife have been through alot-moving to a new country, trying to adjust, taking care of the kids. It is all alot to handle. And unfortunately you two aren't acting as a team. Your problems are too deep and too many. You desperately need to get into marriage counseling. Your children deserve a mom and dad. Kids raised in one parent homes just don't do as well.
Bring all of these issues out to a professional-especially your wife's strange behaviours (with the air-freshner and food) and good luck! I hope you two can make your marrige work.
A
male
reader, home_land  +, writes (26 March 2007):
 hello
you think that you are the giver but really look what you wrote read it agine and you are only wanting your partner to be what you want not what she liks and wants and i think
to work and help your own family its great thing but its normal thing for a family father and husband spind more time with your wife get close to her to under stand wht she wants and like dont play the victem to have a reson to run a way from her think and feel and look around you to under stand that your wife is not a under wear you change when ever you want to she got feelings and she is a "HUMAN"
good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2007): Your wife is very depressed and so are you. This looks like a situation that has slowly worn down. I see you putting expectations upon her that are not her own aspirations and blaming her for failing. Even though she may have wanted to try, I can't see where she would have got her motivation.
Forgive me for seeing things mainly from her angle, but I am female so take what you can from that and put it together with any other answers you may get. I don't think any of us can solve your problems because you need to see a good relationship therapist and work at it with her.
The sheer length of you letter and the list of resentments, some of which I can't believe, is overwhelming. Leftovers in the fridge are not unusual, who cares? To me you are just as negative as she is - do you realise that? I think she is fighting the only way she knows how, hanging on to her self respect by being stubborn and sabotaging things - if that is what she is doing. You seem like a very particular person and it may be that she feels very controlled by you. You feel controlled by her because of her negativity, which from your perspective spoils things often.
I don't think you are listening to each other. Each of you thinks you are right and you are both looking for reasons to be negative about the other. I think she feels surpressed, angry and that you have made her feel stupid. I think you see her as a childish sponge who does not contribute, but just makes life difficult. I think she sees you as overbearing. Almost complete negativity does not generate love and contentment.
I think you both assume too much about each other and need paring back to the roots. Perhaps somebody skillful could make you see the reasons why you liked each other in the first place as you both seem to have almost completely forgotten them. If you do go down that path you will have to also accept that the things that have gone wrong are partly your fault, you will have to have some humility, so will she. If you can not accept that you have played any part, which would be a totally unreasonable position, there is no hope. Same goes for her. Neverthless, wholehearted good luck in such a difficult time and I hope you can keep your family together.
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