A
female
age
51-59,
*iamondgal
writes:Dear Cupid, Please help me out with something. I don't know what it is, but guys just don't notice me. I'm told that I am attractive, I have been in pageants, was a NFL cheerleader and modeled. Not saying that to brag, but I want you to kinda get a picture of me. When I walk down the street, guys always notice other women. When I walk by, it's almost incredible, but they'll even turn their heads the other way. Yet, I see other women (older, younger, heavier) doesn't matter getting noticed. It makes me feel so unattractive and really bad about my appearance, feminity. I'm too embarassed to talk to anyone else about it. Do you have any insight, please?
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female
reader, diamondgal +, writes (21 July 2008):
diamondgal is verified as being by the original poster of the question "A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2008):"
The purpose of this website is to offer truthful, non combative. Having said that, all of the other people who responded really helped me with my situation and brought forth a diffent perspective without attacking. I picked up from your response that this advice was more to attack rather than help.
First, I am not walking around just to get noticed by guys. This is just something that I notice if I am out. You don't even know me. I dress anything BUT like a "hoochie mama", I am very professional. I DO NOT walk around like I am hot, the opposite in fact. And I wear very little make-up.
Apparently you do not know much about the pageant world or cheerleading. There have been just as many married straight men who have judged these events than women. And they judge on looks AND personality. They want someone who is nice and approachable.
I'm not coasting on my pageant and modeling, but I am NOT going to apologize for them either! I was bullied in school for my looks, so for me that is an accomplishment. If you would go back and look at my original response, I said that I am NOT bragging, but I wanted to give a picture of who I am. And I said that others have told me so because I thought that would give more insight as to what advice to give.
I am not sure why you are so bitter toward me and this post. I came on here to get advice for something that truely bothered me. Thankfully, others gave very helpful advice. If the purpose of yours is to take out your frustrations and bitterness on me, you could have kept it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2008): Well, it may have something to do with your visible attitude. If you are walking just to get noticed by guys, the guys will pick up on it and deny you what you are looking for. Signals are when you are wearing a "hoochie mama" type outfit which is a bit over the top, another one is strutting around like you KNOW you are attractive (even if you are), and the worst is spending too much time putting on makeup and wearing too much of it.
Sounds to me like you are a younger woman...perhaps in early to mid twenties? When men get older and have more experience with women, they stop looking at the type of "hot babes" they used to like in high school. Cheerleader types lose to the hot secretary type. Pageants and modeling are arenas where WOMEN are judging your looks more than men, and the criteria are more on appearance rather than persona+appearance.
My advice: stop trying to coast on your pageants and modeling and "proving" that you are attractive by saying how many others have told you so. Just be yourself and be approachable. Youre trying too hard.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): Nope, I'm not a therapist but I've seen so much of this kind of thing and thank my stars I opted out.
Let me blather on a bit more then I'm done:
I'm going to make a guess that the bullying made you feel low status and you've spent a lot of time overcompensating for this. You got into these ultracompetitive lifestyles, trying to prove you're alpha female after all (impossible task). But unfortunately this brought you into contact with a world of competitive, insecure women. Maybe you're still hanging out with some of them and they're still making you feel bad about yourself. Now that there are no grades or scores, the attention of men has become the measure of status among these women.
Women who continue this kind of eternally adolescent life, will often pursue driven, successful, stereotypically handsome men partially because these men are prizes to be won, not because the men are kind, humorous, or thoughtful. They get married and it's still a competition-- who can have the most glamorous house and lifestyle, whose kids are superior. Poor kids! And what an empty life!
The world doesn't have to be like that for you. Try many things and find what you like to do in life, be it pottery, singing in a choir, or working in a business. Do nothing because it makes you LOOK good-- do what makes you FEEL good, puts you in the "zone". Spend your time with friends who support, not compete, with you. Help others. The loneliness will go and happiness will fill its place. Then you'll be ready for love!
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A
female
reader, diamondgal +, writes (8 July 2008):
diamondgal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnon, are you a therapist?lol If not, you should be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): Hi, I'm the anon. who replied earlier. So glad you liked my advice.
My sister who was bullied in school was an overachiever, but it took years for her to feel that she could ever be good enough for anybody, and she was always tense with men. Do get counseling ASAP so you can begin to enjoy life more. Another good set of books are the "Queen Bee" books by Rosalind Wiseman, and "Mean Girls Grown Up" by Dellasega, in case you are still feeling put down by other women.
I'm married, but I guess it just doesn't (and generally didn't) bother me when men were looking at other women than me. I don't have anything to prove, and I know that different ladies appeal to different types of guys. Takes only one, anyway!
Thinking back to my single days, I guess I was bothered when a bunch of my guy-friends (great guys I really loved, my roommates) were all trailing around after a girl that I thought had a terrible personality but was model-beautiful. Yes, she was the type to pull men's eyes after her. She was very aggressive and did make a point to try to steal all the men in a room, and in fact my roommates said that the first time they met her she was playing frisbee with a short skirt and no underwear! Who could fight that? :P So possibly if I were willing to lower my standards, I would get that attention too. But after 15 years, they're all still my friends, and where is she?
On the other hand, my boyfriend (now my fantastic husband) saw right through her, and when she tried to cuddle up to him under a blanket he got right up and walked over to me. He knew a PITA when he saw it.
As for my girlfriends, they often have different body types than me, and I was always happy to let them attract the guys who like redheads, the guys who like well-padded ladies, etc. I don't have startling curves or immediately striking looks, so I don't get stares unless I dress to get noticed (for instance, if you dressed all in leather you would get that attention you crave!) But I have always had more men around than I knew what to do with, probably because I look friendly and easygoing, like to joke and talk about interesting things, and then they realize that I am quite nice-looking, too. This actually creates problems because I just want friends.
I guess the key is to be able to attract the kind of guy that you would like to be with. Most people like and are attracted to a genuinely happy person, who does what she likes in life and has fun (you can google and read up on "emotional intelligence" too.) This may not be you, YET. But maybe if you try counseling, and get over your insecurities, you'll be able to rejoice in life and your own beautiful soul and body. When you're good enough for yourself, you'll meet just the right lucky guy for you, and then the eyes of others won't matter one bit.
Good luck, and a blessing back to you!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): try dressing down, not to be noticed. Then ask yourself why you want to be noticed. Then focus on activities and hobbies where being noticed becomes irrelevent. then people will start noticing what you are doing, then what you look like. Remember, like attracts like. If you want the type of guy who's after cheerleaders, you'll get them. If you want the type of guy after you, be you, you'll get that the type that want s to be with you.Mining Minds
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A
female
reader, diamondgal +, writes (8 July 2008):
diamondgal is verified as being by the original poster of the question"A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008)"
Anonymous, thank you for your insightful comment! I really don't think that I'm too attractive. Like you, I'm a miniority and I dress a bit conseratively. I am also slim with not a lot of curves, so maybe that's it too. So, I don't have butt, breast hanging out. I guess that I don't give off that "sexual vibe".
If you are single, how do you deal with men coming out in droves for other women and not you?
And yes, bullying is VERY difficult to overcome. Most people brush it off and say get over it, but it's hard because your youth is when you develop the concept of yourself and your self-esteem. When you have a group of girls picking out EVERYTHING that's wrong with you, physically, it's very tramatic. From that, I've developed a debilitatingly low self-esteem. I will check out the books you suggested.
Again, thanks for your very insightful and ecouraging advice. GOD bless!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): Maybe you're TOO attractive! Perhaps the guys look away because they automatically assume that you're out of their league. I know I'm a beautiful woman, but because I'm not white and because I dress conservatively, I don't always turn the heads of men on the street. However among a group of guys of my own class and color, I get too much attention! On the other hand, I also now know what kind of man I like, so I don't bother to look at conventionally handsome guys who obviously spend more time working out than they spend reading. So if you're not dressing like a pinup model (so trying to attract the teenage boy in every guy), you're probably sending a signal, without knowing it, about the type of guy you're trying to attract. Anyway, it's not about who's looking at you, it should be about whom YOU'RE looking at! If you see a man who attracts you, give him a smile and he will look twice!Bullying is a difficult thing to get over... maybe you want to read up on relational aggression, especially "Odd Girl Speaks Out" and "Odd Girl Out" by Rachel Simmons.
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A
female
reader, diamondgal +, writes (7 July 2008):
diamondgal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all of your helful comments. Lazyguy, age is not the issue. Most people think that I'm in my early 20's and as I said, older, much older than me get noticed. That's not the issue, the issue is me.
I was bullied in school because of my looks and that's were a lot of insecurities come from. It's just so hard finding value in yourself when it seems no one else does. For example, you are in another country and have tons of $100 bills. But you cannot spend them anywhere because that country does not accept american money. Because of this, the $100 bills have no value, they're just green pieces of paper. It's the VALUE placed on the money that makes it special, not the actual money.
The bottom line is that everyone one wants to feel special and appreciated. But when you feel invisible and no one even approaches you, you feel like you have no value - at least in that area.
Rythm and Blues, thank you for your very insightful comments. I really thought about what you said and you are absoluetly right. I really thought about your comment and am going to try to find a way to dig deep into my heart and be confident and happy with myself. I need to be happy with myself and confident. And yes - I am very thankful for what I do have.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (7 July 2008):
 When you are occcupied with something you notice it more. If for instance you are thinking about kids suddenly you notice all these pregnant women and babies around.
Could it be that because you are insecure about your looks, perhaps because you feel you are getting older and are not the cheerleader you once were, you just notice all the guys NOT looking at you and not notice the ones who do?
Not all men always turn their head to every pretty woman who walks past. The gay ones don't have a reason, the ones who are with their partner don't want to sleep on the sofa and others might be thinking of something else. But now because your mind is occupied with the thought of men not looking at you, you suddenly notice it.
And of course, an important part of being sexy is to be confidant about your own looks.
So isn't it all inside your own head?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): Well, let's see, you are beautiful physically and you have been used to getting a lot of attention in the past....and now you are in your 30's and you are afraid you have lost that attraction factor.
I am sure you haven't, you are probably not getting it as frequently as you are used to getting it due to your no longer actively being in the public eye, and your brain is playing tricks on you and telling you that it is awful you aren't getting any attention.
Bullocks, you say a guy will look at you and when you look at him he turns his head and looks the other way. That is a natural reaction when a guy is staring at an attractive woman and she catches him at it, especially if he doesn't yet know you or isn't in a social situation where he would feel comfortable holding your gaze perhaps.
This is all in your head. When we are feeling unattractive or a little down, then our own filters tell us that we aren't getting our due.
Here is a thought. Why is your self esteem tied to your physical looks? Why is your self esteem dependent on the reactions of other people? The hallmark of a confident woman is that she does not believe what other people tell her about herself...she is always comfortable in her own skin because she is happy with who she is, she has a solid character and identity and she exudes inner beauty that attracts all kinds of people to her.
Work on getting a life you are happy with, become happy with who you are and show some gratitude for what you do have in life.
You are physically scared, aren't in a wheel chair and do not have a life threatening disease do you? Think of how there are many many people who would gladly trade places with you and give thanks for what you've got and your life should turn around for you in a heartbeat.
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A
male
reader, figsters +, writes (7 July 2008):
I'm new to this site, but I have never heard of and ugly NFL cheerleader. Anyways, don't try to appeal to every guy you see, because a lot of men, not all, but a lot are flesh-eating beasts, all we want is more and more skin. Find one special guy, and see what he thinks is attractive in a woman, and what he finds attractive in you.This is my first post, hope it helps.
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