A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Im sorry for the length of this its going to be an absolute essay! But i need to get it off my chest and i need some serious help. I’m honestly wishing right now i could just curl up and die. And im sorry to say that is no exaggeration. I will try and cut it down but this has been going on for too long.1st off can i say when you read this you will say he isnt worth it, he’s a player etc Im not saying that because I love him but honestly this guy isnt! Infact hes been brought up on strict religious values.Up until a week ago me and many others were positive that he wants me, some even thought he was in love with me from his past actions but now……its recked me!It all started when i thought he liked me from the way he behaved, i liked him but could never admit it. He said something to someone which from then on made it obvious he liked me as they were teasing us. However shortly after a girl who also liked him got jealous and spread rumors about me. Making it hard for me to get on with anyone in the group nevermind him although he still seemed to like me. this went on for a long time. we sorted stuff out and started talking again but not greatly. He was always shy/didnt know what to say and so was i, even thought we sat together for a year. We left school and so didnt see each other very often but went on afew nights out and got on better as friends, we were still not very talkative as we never have been. I started gettin a group of 4 of us to go out together. me, him and a couple i know. My friend(girl) had also noticed the way he acts when he acts shy with me. Then one night they left early and he asked me to stay out with him. We went to a pub and we was playfighting which was a shock to me as he wont even speak to me normally. Which lead to abit of cuddling and we got very close. However that night he also apologised for the past and said how great mates we are. But the cuddling etc felt like so much more than just friends and it went to far as he wouldnt normally do that with anyone. Also one night he had to take me home as i was ill and although he was comforting me i was just constantly hugging him and he started holding my hand. He kept grabbing my hand and putting it back round his waist when we were walking home and he ran after me once and grabbed me from behind and hugged me. The thing was once we hugged when i got home it was a very long one and i noticed his hands on my bum!. (we have also met up alone and that didnt go to well as none of us spoke really) i have since tried to get him out alone but he just doesnt seem to want to.We've been out since,my mate was flirting with him which i knew was harmless and i was with her bf. This guy said to her "cummon if they're doing that then we will" immediately we all thought hes getting jealous. Its not been great thought as he does things that just says hes not even friends like he sits with them even if he has to squeeze into the smallest space but he wont even sit with me!!! The only time he’ll do stuff with me is if we're all doing it. THE KILLER! We all went out about 2 weeks ago, i asked if he was coming and he said "yeah defo if you are" *good sign* We were fine at the but my mate started flirting with him. Shes just that sorta person she thinks it'll get him ready to do it with me but it doesnt because it hurts me to see it. She made it clear to him shes got no interest in him but it went abit far and really made me think he wants her although she will never go for him. it made me think was everything he did with me afew months ago all for nothing although looking back we were a lot more cosy and it seemed meanful.. This is the very first time ive seen him do this. never ever before. And it kills me! She said u need to build on the friendship first however when we were left alone he was more bothered about them two coming back so he could have more fun with them. ive tried talking to him and he just doesnt talk, LITERALLY!, yet if anyone else said what i said he'd be fine. Hes said before we;re great mates but he doesnt even show that. one minute hes all shy and seems like he really likes me( hes always been abit shy when it comes to the serious stuff espeically with me being shy) the next he wont sit with me and wont talk to me. He only wants her. but he knows it will never happen with her. Also another thing, as i said he was brought up with strict religous values. Hes joked about it and lied about it before that hes lost his virginity and hes always admitted to me that it wasnt true!(he doesnt believe in sex before marriage) but this time he said he had and i kinda questioned him as i didnt believe it. he said it was this girl he knew from afew years ago. i didnt believe him still as i knew who he meant and she moved abroad. He told me when he sobered up the next day that was a lie and that he has lost it but to a randomer one night because his mates were putting pressure on him, which they;ve done before and hes never given in. i cant see it myself as thats just not him not after everything he believes in. I cant see it happening with someone he don’t even know. I wouldn’t believe him as he’s lied about it before but he said its hurts him all the time and he wishes it had never happened which sounded genuine. I dont know whether to believe it or not but that has truely crushed me. not jst the thought of him being with someone but the fact he broke what he believed in! And the way he did it. I dont know if it sounds like he lying to you?Im sorry for the length but its ruining my life. I never used to be who since ive met him everyone says we;re so alike its unreal. i guess we are attitude wise. Everything I do reminds me of him, even the way I speak. In the past i tried cutting contact to get over him and tried just ignoring my feelings and i ended up in such a mess to the point where i wouldnt stop crying and lost my appetie. I love him i truely do, people reckon theres more to me n him than hes letting on however he wont talk. he outright refuses. I know he not worth it but hes my world. please help me out of this or give me hint to what i could say or do for one last try to make things better :) thankyou!
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female
reader, sueric  +, writes (20 May 2010):
Hey, I just want you to know that I so understood your feelings. My situation is way different but I still feel/share your pain.. Here We GO:This sounds like you guys are really good friends (best) and I get the feeling from what you are saying that he is a good man with "values n morals" but he is torn/confused, wants to do right but also is a young man with the like attitude, feelings and urges. I think he cares for you but not in the way you feel and WANT. It is hard to stop thinking about how someone else feels, reacts when you are so in love, (my daddy would say "in fool") you need to think about you and what you want. Go on with your life and friends to include him but DO NOT let it go any further, EMOTIONALLY OR PHYSICALLY. If he is as good a friend as he seems, it will hurt but he will respect it and will end up opening up to you more as a FRIEND some one he can tell anything to
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (20 May 2010):
 This sounds like a real messy situation! You go out with him in a group of friends, and one of the girls starts flirting with him; but she tells you she has no real interest in him......some of them seem to think you and he are ideally suited; you say he acts very warm toward you sometimes, yet is very shy at other times, and sits with other friends rather than you.......brought up on strict religious values, he says, and stuck to those values - except for the time or two when he didn't......sheesh.
Now, I'm not necessarily going to say he's a player, but I will say he does seem quite immature. When you try to raise the concerns you have you say he "outright refuses."
Why ever are you making yourself sick with crying and losing your appetite over this one?
He can't be "your world." There is far, far more to life than this one person. Your priorities are out of whack.
Yes, I know you wanted the relationship to succeed and be happy together, and are upset because it isn't (but remember: NO relationship is EVER wonderful 100 percent of the time; no matter how it started with starry-eyed romance and wild attraction in the beginning. That wears off, inevitably, and THAT's when the real work of forming a rewarding relationship really begins!)
I encourage you to stop including him in your get-togethers with your friends and to go back to not contacting him. See what else there is interests you - activities, maybe a little volunteer work at something you believe in very strongly; maybe get away to the beach or countryside for a few days; cultivate some different friends; take a class in .....oh, I dunno, creative writing; photograpy, etc., something that's a bit of a challenge. Schedule a session or two with a counsellor to talk it all out. You'll be much better off if you can alter your focus!
Good luck!
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