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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I've got a couple scars on my body from cutting/injuring myself when I was younger. I'm ashamed of it and when I know I will be intimate with a man, I always put on makeup to cover them up. If he does notice them and asks me about them, I lie about where they come from.I just don't know how to be at ease with people seeing them. I don't want to always have to prep in the bathroom before I see him, but I'm so ashamed of the way I was before and I don't really want to talk about it and kill the mood.Anyone, women or men have experience in this sort of territory? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, jayokayo  +, writes (30 March 2011):
 dont be ashamed, if the guy you are with is a decent genuine guy with a heart he will accept you as and for who you are, for you to have gone through the thorns of life and come out the other end still standing is an achivment and victory for you and you should be proud at the fact that you are still here and standing.
here is a little something that i hope will put a smile on your face.
Heres a smile from me to you and remember no smile is miles apart when it comes from the heart if you feel a smile is miles away close your eyes and put your hand on your heart and feel the smile play and right in front of you is where the smile will stay
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (11 February 2011):
You are welcome, I am glad to hear that you have a happy healthy life that you are proud of! Being straightforward about your scars can be difficult in the face of people reacting negatively as they have done, and people judging you. When people judge you or react negatively towards you it can be helpful to remember that they are doing this due to their own faults - rather than being able to be accepting of you they are responding in an uncaring, unaccepting, or judgemental way. It can be helpful to see this as their weakness, and hopefully you can be able to forgive them for their flaws, which we all have, but all the while being able to be ok with your scars and be accepting of yourself. To be able to do this will probably take some time, and some courage, but you sound like you have your head on straight, so I am sure you will get there! You deserve nothing less than absolute acceptance for who you are, as we all do.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all the ppl who gave advice. Especially idoneitagain. I guess it is a question of bravery on my part. I doubt I would show them over coffee or something, but I should be straigthforward about it when the time comes.
I have had people react negatively to them in the past.
I've done counseling in my 20s and I consider myself a healthy person. Maybe it's just a question of how scared I am to be intimate with people. I like my life now a lot and I'm proud of it.
I don't like being perceived as weak or damaged by people. So I suppose sometimes I come off as a bit of a control freak.
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male
reader, idoneitagain +, writes (10 February 2011):
The difficulty you are having really comes down to the fact that you feel ashamed of what you have done in your past. If you can't accept it as part of who you were, and part of what has helped to shape you as a person today, it will be hard for other to accept you, or when they do accept you, for you to fully trust and believe that they do. Learning to accept who you are can be a difficult process but it is very worthwhile. It sounds obvious, but it is worth learning to love and accept yourself fully with all of your flaws, than feel ashamed of any part of you. The truth is, all humans are born with faults and flaws, and none of us need feel ashamed of who we are, we are all just trying to do the best we can. Counselling can help with this process, but there are other ways to learn this acceptance. Here is an idea, which you may or may not be ready for. It will require some bravery on your part. When it comes to dating, you mention that there comes a time where you know you are going to be intimate with a man. Perhaps you can use your scars as a measure and indication of your intimacy. What I mean is, when you feel that you are approaching the right time to become intimate with a man, when you are starting to become close to him and trust him, arrange to meet him for coffee or a drink, and use that as an occasion to show him your scars, and tell him a bit about things that you don't like about your past. This can do several things: It can help you to become more comfortable to share the story of who you were before with someone you trust, which can help you to be less ashamed of it. It is a way of sharing an intimate part of your life with someone and will be a good indication if you are ready for other (physical) kinds of intimacy. Sharing difficult things and things we don't like about ourselves is a way of increasing intimacy with others, at least, those that truly accpept you. Some men might not be ok with it, but if that's the case you probably don't want to be sleeping with them anyway. Also, if you do it in this setting, it doesn't kill the mood and won't be a surprise when the time for physical intimacy does arise, and you won't have to talk about it then. You can just get down to business!!Good luck in acceptance and future intimacy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): I have experience in it not myself but girls I've dated, look the scars don't matter as much as your mental state.
The girls I dated still bore the mental scars, were still prone to massive insecurity and raging self doubt which made it impossible to date them. Too much drama, hatred and bitterness in them. As long as that isn't you then the scars don't matter. Go talk to your doctor about methods for lessening scars, they can't be removed completely but there are treatments that will make them practically invisible.
I have to say to you OP, I would never date another woman with self harm scars only because I every time I have in the past they were still completely self destructive in other areas of their life. I have never met a woman with those scars who has actually learned to cope with life and always resorts to hurting themselves when things go bad. I guess I've just been unlucky perhaps, but none of those girls ever went and had any kind of professional mental help for it and thus never actually got over those habits. They might have stopped cutting but they often were damaging themselves other ways through their poor self image. Eating disorders, drug and alcohol problems and promiscuity were all standard trademarks of these girls.
Covering them up and lying about them means you ashamed of them, it means you haven't moved on they're a source of distress to you. To me that's actually worse than the scars themselves. By all means keep them hidden in public but when you want to be close to a man then don't be ashamed of them, don't lie about them, it's very obvious what kind of cuts self harm cuts are anyway, the last thing you want this guy to think is that you still have issues because you're still ashamed them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): I too have scars from self-harm. My boyfriend once told me that I shouldn't think of them badly, but that they're a sign of what I've overcome. There's nothing to be ashamed about. Trust me. Just tell him the truth.
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male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (8 February 2011):
Now you are giving yourself emotional scars? Your scars should remind you to stop hurting yourself physically or emotionally. It should teach you to accept yourself as you are. If a guy does not like it…he can leave. Besides…I am sure you have better things to show him.:))
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