A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I need help!I am angry about everything! Everything irritates me and upsets me, to the point that I'm never happy. I stress out so much and I can't think straight and I don't know what to do, I don't want to live like this anymore.I'm sick of being manipulated by people, I'm sick of getting screwed over and I'm sick of people treating my like I'm worthless. I have tried the whole 'take deep breathes and dont say anything thing' but I still feel upset and angry to the point where I'm going to explode, so I normally get defensive and fight back, but then after I do make a comment back I still feel bad for being nasty to someone...even though it's not really nasty when I'm sticking up for myself but I hate the thought of upsetting others even though they have upset me.I get so angry all the time about things that I don't even know if I can trust my own thoughts anymore.Recently I had a car accident which wasn't my fault and the driver responsible doesn't have insurance and isn't co-operating, I had to quit my job because the lady I was working for became so intensly controlling over my personal life. I keep having fights with my dad over nothing, he is an alcoholic and finds any little reason to be able to scream at me and call me vulgar names, my mum never defends me because she is too scared of my dad, the same with my sisters so I haven't spoken to my family in months. My university is pathetic, they are so un-organised to the point that at the start of the year we don't know when our classes are until the day before we start, the teachers always loose our assignments and when we have to choose our electives we get to choose from 3 subjects that have no relevance to our course what-so-ever yet we still have to pay $600+ to do the subject. I got screwed over by my phone company, I signed a new contract and was paying a lot extra so I could have data allowance, yet the companies internet doesn't even work... I had to go through so much complaining before they let me cancel my contract my boyfriend and friends had the same problem.The work placment setting that i'm at, at the moment is horrible and i'm so unhappy.Everything is getting to me ARGHH!! And I can't tell if i'm the person who is being un-reasonable and psycho or if these are legitimate reasons to be upset and I need help dealing with my problems...Either way though I think I need help...so...HELP PLEASE???
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much everyone for your responses. I value everything that you have each had to say.
I think you all have pretty much hit the nail on the head.
Although I am scared I won't be very good at being positive over negative situations and I'm scared that I will sub-consciously keep victimising myself and once I'm in a state of mind, it's very hard to change my train of thought.
I will give this a good shot because I definately want to be a happy, positive, dignified, respectible person so I will save all of your advice and keep refering myself back to it.
Thank you so much for taking the time to care.
xoxo
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): I'm going to say something that I fear you're not going to like. However, it's truthful advice and unless you hear it, you will be stressed for a LONG time.
The most important thing to realize is that you are in control of your emotions. People cannot make you angry, frustrated, upset, or irritated. If you feel those things, it is because you ALLOW yourself to do so.
Don't get me wrong. Life is tough at times. It can be tiring, trying, and full of tribulations. I'm not for a second suggesting that you don't have a lot on your plate. What I AM suggesting is that you are big enough to handle this load in a way that is not only less stressy, but also more productive in terms of getting you to a place where you want to be.
A lot of stress and irritation comes from fear. And fear often comes from a perceived lack of control. Every situation you mention in your post suggests that what you are really concerned about, deep down, is losing your hold over situations in your life. You feel like you're the victim of the circumstances in which you're placed and that you're powerless to take action over them.
The first thing to realize is that being upset, angry, and frustrated is not going to help. Those feelings are a manifestation of being out of control - as is the anger that lashes out to hurt others. Instead of being a justified response to a threatening world, they just make the problem worse, sending you into a spiral of circumstance, retaliation, and further victimization. Someone being mean to you does not mean you have to be mean back - in fact, when you retaliate, you let the other person call the shots.
You need to break out of that spiral by facing your fears head on. Whatever the situation you're looking at in your life, tell yourself one thing: YOU WILL HANDLE IT. It doesn't matter how impossible it looks, how difficult it seems, how obnoxious people are being... you will handle it, calmly, with dignity, and with grace. Just having the confidence to know that will help you to stop feeling impotent, threatened, and victimized.
This does not mean that you have to accept things in your life that worry you. Far from it! However, you're far more likely to be able to make the changes you want to effect if you're calm and together than if you're reactive and emotional. People who yell, scream, or flap are actually far more easily ignored and trodden upon that people who are quietly confident, determined and (most of all) persistent.
* If your university are screwing up, get yourself onto the student body and make your voice heard, quietly but authoritatively.
* If your phone company are bad, write clear, concise and calm complaints letters, copying in the industry regulator, and request the changes you want as well as a payment to compensate you for your time and effort.
* Let the insurance company sort out the claim - they have experts who are able to assess who is at fault fairly quickly and will resolve disputes on your behalf. Sometimes you just have to be patient while these things are resolved, but if you're concerned, call your claims handler and discuss progress.
* Try to find something in your work placement that you enjoy and focus on that. For instance, invite someone who seems cool and nice to lunch and get to know them. Sometimes having one friend or ally in a place can be enough to make a heaven out of hell!
* Try a new strategy with your family and friends: contact with total non-conflict. Be polite and nice, but refuse to engage in any arguments. Simply walk away if someone is nasty or says something contentious - not in a huff, but in a calm way that just lets the insults run off you like water off a duck's back. There is strength in not letting trivial insults touch you. People will soon get the message that you won't tolerate such behaviour and eventually, if you behave with dignity, they should start to treat you more respectfully. No-one wins in a slanging match but everyone respects someone who doesn't slag others off, gossip, or backbite, and who can just shrug their shoulders when others are being unreasonable.
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A
female
reader, Adelaide's Agony Aunt +, writes (9 March 2011):
Hi,
I have the answer for you but I don't know if you will be able to do it. Until you can apply it everything will continue to be angry, awful, horrible etc., so here's the thing, you can change this but only after you consciously and sub-consciously decide that you can't live like this anymore. The answer is very simple but won't work unless you are fully committed. Why? because something about being angry and upset etc. actually serves a purpose for you or else you wouldn't be doing it. It feels good to you, I'm thinking it's an avenue to vent pent up anger towards your parents. Please look at this.
Soooo, the answer to your siuation is this when you are ready:
re-write your story in your head, in your sub conscience and every cell of your body ONLY in positive sentences and never allow your thoughts, words or actions to be in the negative. Lets start with re writing your letter here in only positive and grateful sentences then move on to the same for whatever you encounter in your days ahead - process it in your mind positively , store it positively and speak and act positively about it, the person etc. Constantly seeing the positive around you, feeling it's warmth and being grateful, even turning the really yuck stuff into a positive is THE ONLY thing that can turn this around for you. No therapy or venting or distracting activity is going to fix you percieving, speaking about and recalling your life in the negative, which is quite frankly robbing you of joy and a prosperous future only the above will give you that but you must make this shift yourself no one can do it for you. It is in your hands, you can write your life's story in the positive or the negative regardless of what comes your way BUT THE CHOICE IS YOURS AND ONLY YOURS YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR LIFE'S STORY. You are the author - what story do you want for yourself?
P.S. Don't shoot the messanger.
Good Luck, Adelaide's Agony Aunt.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): I think you have been hurt very hard with something and what is that you know better than others, may be relationship or may be your own mistakes I don't know but sorry I am saying it but this is what I feel, however you have to go to that root cause of that and be open about with someone your close or whom ever you trust, surely you will overcome.
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255  +, writes (9 March 2011):
 You are super stressed out by all the crap in your life, most of which you feel you have no control over. Anyone in your situation would feel the same way. A person can only handle so much grief at one time and it sounds like you have hit your limit.
You need to take some control back in your life in as many places as you can, starting with cutting all the negative people out of your life. Family is tricky but do the best you can to limit the damage you allow them to inflict on you and your mental health. Wite out some goals for your self and then make a plan for how your going to achieve them. Change schools next semester if possible.
Get the areas you can control clean and organized and get in the habit of making to do lists in order of priority. Then use them. Last make sure you leave some room in your schedule for some "me time" regulary. Take a yoga class or learn to mediate, whatever works best for you, exercise is a great stress reducer. And a natural anti depressant.
And when you feel like you need a pick me up check out a website called fmylife.com. It's a riot. Even bad situations can be funny, it's all how you look at things.
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