A
male
age
41-50,
*astre
writes:Im 34 years old, single and gay. I have been reading these letters and responses regarding falling in love so easily and getting hurt. I have always had this problem, when I meet a guy, and he would show some interest, I immediately fall oh so easily that it has resulted in a lot of heartaches and troubles for me (one example is I even organised a civil partnership for a man whom I met on holiday for him to come here in the UK and get "married" thinking it was true love. As expected, it resulted in disaster) Recently, I met this handsome, intelligent but very young student. He was the one who approached me first in the gay club, even intimated to my friends he wanted to be my "husband", asked them the bus numbers so he can visit me frequently, etc, etc. I immediately fell for him, a week later he disappeared and I never knew why and I'm asking myself "is it me". Im 34 but look much much younger because I take care of myself and I am very handsome. Yet I'm alone and is hurting so badly. I want to call him but my friends advised me against it. I saw him the club last night I had a feeling he was with someone, but still, I'm willing to have him back in my life. Help me..Pastre
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male
reader, pastre +, writes (14 June 2010):
pastre is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks very much rcn, tisha & peter. however i posted another problem that i wish you could help me with. cheers.
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (20 July 2008):
 I agree with the other poster. You need to take a step back and figure out what is causing all this. What I see is you desire not to be along, and have a relationship that you're willing to accept what people say as truth, and not telling you what you want to hear so they can get what they want.
Part of it is you. But when being used, although there may be methods of preventing it, the act of using is always the users fault. I believe you're not whole with yourself. Your desire for relationships is an attempt to fill an area of yourself that's missing.
I say this to help you see you need to build yourself before you can be truely happy. I'm a single male. I'm a single parent. I haven't even dated for 3 years now. I love my kids, and raising them, but even more so, I'm happy with who I am, and who I've become. If I find someone to merry at some point. I'll be happy with that too, not because I need the relationship but because I'll know I've found someone who I can share all of me with.
The key here is to develop yourself first, then you can share the development with another. Not finding someone, then expecting the relationship to created that development. This will also build your strength to pick out who's being truthful, and who's just giving you another line.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 July 2008):
 Hi Pastre,
It sounds to me like you might be moving way too fast and putting too much of yourself out there, hoping for a real connection with someone too soon. It takes time to develop a real relationship, I think. Much as 'love at first sight' sounds so appealing, I don't think that this is realistic thinking. Sorry, but I think you need to slow down in trying to connect with a love interest. Breathe, take it slow, don't push yourself on others too quickly, or you'll come off as needy and too much work.
There was a great answer by 'baby duck' on this thread, about 3 or 4 answers up from the bottom of the page.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/isnt-even-a-friendship-based-on-trust-or.html
Read that several times and think about how it may apply to you.
I have another suggestion. I want you to find this book, 'A Fine Romance' by Judith Sills PhD. It is written in the he/she format but applies as well to gay or lesbian relationship building and gives you a way at looking at yourself and the pitfalls you may wind up in.
So take a step back, stop worrying about this attractive student for the time being and take a good look at what it is within you that is making you fall too quickly too fast.
Take care, and good luck!
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