A
female
age
41-50,
*evelonetwo
writes: All I want is the truthI'm almost certain my partner is planning on leaving me and our son. He has left before 4 years ago and is starting to act in the same manner he did the last time. Clothing/belongings have started to deplete(albeit he may be having a clear-out) however, he has starting" planting seed" with his family and friends that we are having problems and it's my fault. A family member came to stay and he deliberately started an argument with me in front of them intimating I was selfish etc.... he would not normally do this and in my opinion, it is a way of getting out of jail free for when he does go. My Partner can be an exceptionally good actor and can make you feel like things are fine when they are not (something I found out last time he left). I can understand he may want to leave, but I do love him and want to make things work.How can I get him to tell me the truth as to his intentions without making him feel "hemmed in"? I feel I need to plan ahead for my family if he is going to go and simply don't want to be made to feel a fool like I did last time he went. Any sensible advice would be much appreciated.I am a reasonable person and if he can't live with me I'm prepared to let him go. I love him and want him to stay but my main concern lies with my child who totally worships his dad.The uncertainty is making me feel ill and I can barely eat at present. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (4 February 2013):
 Don't waste time pussy footing around him and trying to think of ways to make him stay...becaus if he's gonna go, then it's a done deal.
If you are not married but share a mortgage or other finances, you need to seek financial/legal advice, because there is no common law rights in the UK anymore and whoever owns the house gets to keep it.
If you are in rented accomodation, maybe it's time to look for other options that you might be able to afford on your own. Even if you don't put things in motion, at least have a back up plan, if the shit hits the fan.
You know his behaviour, you know what is coming and the odds arn't great for men who behave like this to finally settle down. His behaviour is hurting you, has damaged your trust and made you feel unwanted...so why should it be you trying to save things?
If he wants to go, open the door for him but DO NOT take him back again because he could repeat the process for years and years and that will destroy your life.
Be strong, get your sensible head on because you are going to need a firm plan to see you through.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 February 2013):
 You can't make him tell you anything.
you do not trust him.
you want to plan for your child.
why not take the bull by the horns and since you don't want to live with the uncertainty that is this tenuous relationship that clearly borders on emotional abuse.... why not ask him to leave first?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2013): "How can I get him to tell me the truth as to his intentions without making him feel 'hemmed in'?"Impossible. You can't "get him" to do anything that he would not be inclined to do otherwise, and if you could then you wouldn't be able to control his reaction to being interrogated. "I feel I need to plan ahead for my family if he is going to go and simply don't want to be made to feel a fool like I did last time he went. Any sensible advice would be much appreciated."Then learn from your previous experience, assume he's leaving, and prepare accordingly. Since the two of you are not married, your so-called "partner" has no commitments or obligations toward you and therefore is free to leave at any moment since in the eyes of the law you are a legal stranger to him (no relationship by marriage, blood or adoption)."I am a reasonable person and if he can't live with me I'm prepared to let him go. I love him and want him to stay but my main concern lies with my child who totally worships his dad."Unfortunately, you know he's a liar and a coward and is looking to blame you for everything, so it is unreasonable of you to expect him to be reasonable. And you love him and want him to stay and make things work because? As for the child, you can't force baby daddy to maintain a relationship with him. All you can do is as a mother is make sure that baby daddy follows through on his responsibility to support his child financially, and to that end I would see a lawyer to ensure that all legal protections the law provides for out-of-wedlock children are in place including a court-approved order of child support.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 February 2013):
 I feel his leaving his manipulative. He can certainly live with you. He enjoys torturing you, which is his only intention. His leaving and coming back is a way of doing that. When a person wants to control your emotions you can't respond with kindness and reason. You have to let them know it is unacceptable. It's you who can't live with him. He's not suffering like you are, not eating and sleeping well. He does not understand how his actions are affecting you because he is so full of himself and blames everything on you. You have to take legal action about separating. A child will love parents no matter what expect when they are physically abused. You may think you don't want to break up a family but for the sake of you well being, it's not worth staying in it. Domestic stress is something that's silent, unnoticeable but it eats you up gradually. You need to be functional for your child. If you two live apart, then you will be more confident to handle day to day life. You will feel free and in control of your emotions.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2013): Are you sure you and I are not married to the same man? My husband left 4 years ago and it started with clothing going AWOL, false smiles at me, not answering his mobile, coming home very late etc etc. He then decided that 'he wanted out' and left. After a lot of begging he returned. Our son was 6 then and it was a truly terrible time. Now I can feel it all starting again. The late nights and business meetings have started and the non answering of the phone. He also looks at me in a way where the mouth smiles but not the eyes. If I were you I would start to prepare yourself. Behind his back go and see a solicitor, make sure there is adequate money in your bank account, use the joint credit card if there is anything you need then bolt down the hatches. Your mind is already taking on board the liklihood of him going so it will not be a shock this time.My husband initiated a row with his sister infront of me and made me look disturbed and I knew he was setting her up so as it made it look like I was crazy and no man could be with me. He won't come clean about wanting to leave so just put it in your head that this is going to happen and behave normally even if it is just for the sake of your son. If he does go for a second time do not take him back. Most men I know are quite weak in these situations and avoid all confontation so I don't think you will get anything out of him. Just take care of youself and your child and don't beg or try to make him stay if he just does go. Twice is too much for anyone and I should know!
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (4 February 2013):
 Ask him if you are so reasonable why would he leave. If there is a problem why is he acting is there an award that he wants to win. As far a the child is concerned that should be your first priority as it is his. Stop assuming and ask questions investigating clothing is not a way of being in the know about someones intentions.
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