A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Well, I am in a rut, and so I decided to post a question out here after reading around and seeing some very helpful answers. However, I've yet to see a case much like my own.I've been with my girlfriend for nearly five years now, and knew her for at least three before we started dating, however it just seems like everything is lagging on and it's getting, honestly, quite repetitive and boring. And on-top of that she is very clingy and possessive.She has no apparent trust for me, and never really has, thinking that whenever I go to see my friends that I'm going to wind up strung up on meth in some ditch, while somehow managing to cheat on her. (An example, and no, she has absolutely no reason to think this.) It's a bit overboard. I grew up in a state up-north, and dated her for a while long distance (Just while finishing up my last year of high-school) and then moved to go to school in the same state as her, and left my friends and family behind. (Note that I didn't move just to be with her, but to further my own life.)When we where dating long distance everything was great. We would talk on the phone a few times a week, and set up web-cam dates regularly, and often visited each-other. For example, I had her flown up to go to my prom.However, when I introduced her to my friends things started to go downhill. My friends aren't at all bad people, the one reason she despises them is because they smoke. (That's no exasperation, I mention their names and she is in a bad mood for hours) I myself also smoked, and still do, but after learning her irrational hatred towards anyone who smokes, I decided to keep it a secret, try to quit, then tell her after I worked that out.Eventually I moved, and dropped the habit for a long time. But when I moved I was placed in school housing and my room-mate smoked, and eventually I gave into temptation and starting smoking about a pack every week. I couldn't bring myself to tell her the truth in fear that she would leave me, and in my head it was logically sound. However the guilt finally got to me and I told her, in which she got down on her knees, grabbed her chest and cried for about three hours... I'm surprised we are even still together...She believes I am suffering, and that this is somehow the fault of some my friends and past life, when truthfully I understand the consequences of the habit, but enjoy it. Even before I told her things where starting to get worse, It was to the point where I wasn't even allowed to have my own friends, or have a 'day-off' during the weeks. (If I did get a day off, I still had to call her about once and hour and talk online...)Now that the back-story is out of the way... here I am left, with my habbit, having to not tell her about anything I do when I visit home, I am not allowed to have my own friends, and every phone call has to end in at least 5 "I love yous." It's really smothering, and obviously I love her very much, I mean, after-all it will be five years this August, but lately I've been worried about the future, the more this declines the worse off it will be on me, and I am a fairly independent person, who used to never stress about anything, but now I have a shorter fuse than ever, and my smoking has even increased due to the stress she is putting on me.I'm afraid to leave her because she has two friends (Literally, aside from me) and I'm her entire world. I really don't want to be stuck in this relationship for the rest of my life like this... so what do I do?
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (20 April 2010):
 She will survive, you can't make yourself be in-love with a person and I think you both need to go your separate ways. Their is no future in your relationship why prolong the inevitable. When you break up give her an explanation be honest and do not let yourself get convenience back into the relationship. She might cry but thats only for now she will get over it move on and find happiness in someone's else arms. Good luck!
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (20 April 2010):
 Basically you have said it yourself - you do not want to be stuck in this relationship for the rest of your life. Therefore you see no future for this relationship - it is already over in your head.
It sounds like you are both unhappy in this relationship - you dont have a good word to say about her, and she clearly has some issues and only sees the bad in you. It is possible that you have started to bring out the worst in each other: she makes you stressed, irritable, inhibited; whereas you make her paranoid, irrational, unhappy and needy. When a relationship gets like this, when you have started to bring out the worst in each other and only serve to be a problem in your partner's life, rather than a positive thing - then it is time to go your seperate ways.
You leaving her will acutally do her good - neither of you are happy so if you acutally get the guts to leave then eventually she will realise how much happier she is without you. Dont worry that she will do anything stupid, or wont survive without you - humans are very resilient creatures and after a few days she will start to get over it. Yes at first there may be floods of tears, threats, all sorts which will make you worry for her but it is all just through shock and fear - after all you have been together for 5 years, when a lengthy relationship ends it is pretty scary to face the idea you will be alone. If you try and stay strong despite her tears, threats and claims things will change, then after a few days it will die down and she will be ok.
You are not her entire world. She has friends (albeit limited numbers), family, a job/school/college, interests, hobbies, likes and dislikes. She does not exisit by feeding off you permanently, that is just what she wants you to believe as a ploy so you will never leave her. Her idea will have been to be as needy as possible so you feel like the centre of her universe, so when you get to a time where you consider leaving her she knows you will automatically feel guilty for the thought of it knowing she has to have you in her life. Which is utter rubbish. She NEEDS food, water, oxygen.....she only WANTS you. You are not neccessary to her survival therefore you need to get your head round this if you are ever going to leave her and move on with your life.
You could always try talking to her - after all, does she know you feel this way? Have you tried telling her everything you have said on here? She might actually think you are happy when the reality is that she is smothering you, she might not realise what she is doing!
This decision is entirely up to you - do you think it is possible she could change if you spoke to her about it? Or is your heart just not in the relationship anymore and you want to move on? We cannot tell you what is the right decision, you have to choose what is right for you. Only you can know if this relationship is worth saving, or if it has run its course and you want some time to be alone.
There is nothing wrong, at your age and after a long relationship, with wanting to be alone for a while just enjoying life and being single. I found I felt the same way when I was 18/19, I had been in long relationships since I was 15 and never really had chance to figure out who I was and what I wanted. Breaking up with my boyfriend was hard but it was the right choice, being single for a while was exactly what I needed to be able to learn about myself, and learn to just be "me" rather than one half of a couple.
Really think about this, think about what you want from life and what you want from a relationship. Ask yourself is she giving you what you want from your relationship, or are there things missing? Decide whether your future has her in it, or if your future is still undecided and open to change. You have some serious questions to ask yourself - I think this problem you have isnt really about her, it is just about the stage you are in life and a lot will be due to the length of the relationship. Question yourself rather than blaming her, think about YOU for a change rather than the "relationship" and then decide what is right.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, rambini +, writes (20 April 2010):
 Feeling sorry for someone or worrying how they will cope without you is no reason to stay with them. you are clearly not happy anymore, and she cant be happy either or she wouldnt feel the need to be so clingy and possessive. the reaction to you smoking was massively over the top. she stops you having friends, hobbies, and even a relaxing day off!
this is such a detrimental relationship, you are both there out of habit although neither of you are happy. it is really hard to accept this and move on, 5 years is a long time, but ultimately its the right thing to do. you will get your life back, and she will hopefully become a stronger and more independent person because of it.
you both deserve a chance at finding happiness, and that isnt being found with each other.
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