A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm almost finished a PhD programme and have to meet regularly as part of this with a particular group of people, led by a couple of tutors, to debate various issues. I love attending the group and I know that most people at college like and appreciate my contributions, including the tutors.One other woman has a crush on one of the tutors - I know because a friend told me - and my friend thinks she is jealous of the fact that this tutor seems to really like and respect me.Before I knew this - maybe three or so months ago - I invited this woman to my place for dinner with a couple of other friends. She seemed friendly and I went to a lot of effort to make a nice night for everyone.Fast forward and my close friend now tells me that this same woman organised a dinner at her place - very close to where I live - and did not invite me. Worse still is that her flat mate, who lived there before she moved in, had been saying for a long time that I should come over for dinner sometime as we seemed to be about to become friends.I can handle being excluded, although it upsets me a lot. But the problem is I have no choice but to see this woman in the group I attend and I know that she will remain hugely interested in all of my ideas and so on and probably use them, but then sideline me as a friend. I don't trust her after this and I'm concerned also that she is capable of putting on a very, very innocent and friendly air and so no one would suspect her. But my friend and I know for sure that she's been capable of other suspect behaviour. I don't want her to somehow influence my tutor against me if she has her heart set on gaining his affections - what should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2013): Hi everyone, thanks for all the responses.
I just wanted to say I'm sure there's some truth in all of your different responses. One thing to add is that I think my friend, who knows how totally naive I am in regard to this sort of thing and has seen me hurt many times before now as I'm crap at strategic behaviour, has been trying to warn me and we have discussed it. I'm not sure if this is why I might seem to be 'overthinking' the situation. The same friend is also convinced that my tutor is falling in love with me...oh well, I guess I just won't give or attend any dinners for the time being and just not think about them either!! Thanks again.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 December 2013):
 I think you are way overthinking this.
If this woman likes your tutor romantically, she might feel threatened or in competition if your tutor showed to like you as a woman, not just as a student. As long as the tutor is apreciating your contribution,- not making doe eyes at you, I don't think it would bother her But even if it does... have some trust in your tutor. He is a professional figure and hopefully he has both the professional training, and the moral integrity to judge independently without been swayed by personal influences.
Then, from what happened I'd say you can't just jump to the conclusion that this woman is out to get you or intends to trip you in any way. So far, all she did was not inviting you to her dinner. I agree that this was a bit rude of her, after all she came to your dinner and it would have been good form to reciprocate . Who knows, maybe she just forgot . Or she has a small dining room or a small table and she had to pare down her guests list. Or, more simply, she is just not interested in pursuing a friendship with you. Which does not mean she hates you or she wants to undermine you etc. Just, that she does not feel you have enough in common to become closer. It happens, it's normal, you can't be everybody's idea of a best friend and it does not reflect on you- or her. ( She STILL should have reciprocated your invitation, OK- but maybe that's just it- she thought that then you'd have invited HER again and so on and so forth, and she wanted to avoid that ). There's a long way, though, from not wanting to be friendly with you to being your secret enemy with a hidden agenda. So, if so far all she's done has been 1 ) quietly liking her tutor and 2 ) not reciprocating your invitation, I'd say you can rest easy.
What you have got to do ? Nothing. Be civil around her, nothing more nothing less- keep giving your valued and appreciated contribution to the group , and keep pursuing your objectives and living your life as usual.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2013): Your PhD is not predicated on some random woman's actions or opinions and if she and the tutor do develop a relationship, then I would expect him to be as professional as ever. Otiher than that, don't make an effort with her. Just be civil.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (4 December 2013):
Jeez, you're blaming her for all these things that haven't happened... I think that she may need to look out for you!
Have you ever considered the possibility that she just doesn't think the two of you would make good friends?
Why do you jump to all these pretty far out assumptions about the deviousness of her character?
The only thing you mention is that she didn't invite you to a dinner party. You even say she seemed friendly, but yet you say all this:
"Capable of suspect behavior"
"Use my ideas then sideline me as a friend"
"I don't trust her after this"
"She is capable of putting on a very, very innocent and friendly air and so no one would suspect her"
"I don't want her to influence my tutor against me"
I wholeheartedly believe that you need to relax and focus on your studies, not who is or isn't invited to a dinner party.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2013): If I was you I would focus as normal on your professional relationship with your tutor, continue to contribute as usual and do what you are good at, don't change that because of anyone, as you are gaining valuable skills towards your education by doing so. I would use this knowledge about the type of person this women is to your advantage as you now know, who she really is and what she is capable of, that way you now know how to protect yourself from being used by her. I have come across may people like this and I tend not to let them know that I am aware of their rotten side, be cause it makes it easier for me to predict how they will react and it confirms my suspisions. She is only able to pull the wool over your eyes when she has information about you, so stop talking to her about any good ideas that you may have, personal information etc. Don't warn other people about who you think she is, because in public she doesn't show these traits and this may backfire on you and she may influence others to believe that you are crazy. Because you trusted her you allowed her to get a good insight into your life and she's decided to take that and use it to her advantage. You can ignore her as she has no use to you going forward.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 December 2013):
 Ignore her high-school games. If she doesn't include you, then don't include her.
I have no doubt that your tutor is smarter then you give him credit for.
As for the group I (personally and yes it might seem petty) but I would SURELY minimize my contribution when it concerns HER. But I would not let her run me off.
So IGNORE it is!
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