A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:aunts and uncles,i have a daughter that is pregnant by a much, much, much older guy, she has a child from another boy. shes living with this guy now and bragging about how she is going to be a stay at home mommy.now most of you are going to say she is grown. im worried about this because of his age and his illnesses he has diabetes, and degenerative back disease he takes morphine for his back. this is not a good thing.she has informed me that he makes lots of money, and he can afford to have her stay at home. but what if his back goes out, and he becomes disabled? or his diabetes worsens and he passes away? disabilty does not pay alot and she has no higher education and has only worked two jobs.im happy for her if shes happy, but i cant get through to her about these issues. he is waaaay too old for her. i think she might have daddy issues, because she lost her father at 17, i dont know.than there is the issue of him, he has not married her yet, he has no children, she says, from his previous marriage which just ended a few months ago. i just see alot of red flags here. i've tried to stay out of it, because i see it as a train wreck. my issue is what can he possably want with such a young girl? the baby that she is about to have? what could they have in common hes amost 50 for peets sakes? i asked her what her motives were, she told me that he was going to take care of her, that she liked him, was intrigued by him, that she loved him. her words exactly.i just dont want her to suffer, and i want the best for her. but i can only be a mother i guess and be their for her when the walls come falling down. to be honest with you, i raised a spoiled girl, and i seem to think in the back of my mind that its his money, and all that it can buy for her.but im realistic here, i know what it takes to take care of a baby, but he has to take care of the baby, her other child, and her. thats alot to bite off, and if something happens to him will she take the responsabilty in hand and take care of him?how do i get her to see the whole picture, and not just what is in her face in the present?
View related questions:
disabled, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): he has asked her to marry him. i still am very upset about this. so very confused you are correct with the ages, but how can you say that it is ok. i feel like he is a perv, and has taken advantage of my daughter. she just turned 24. cerberus i do not take offense from your post i absolutley agree with you. i have kept my mouth shut over this whole relationship because of my grandchildren. and yes he is taking care of the both of them. but i hear him saying im so old and decreped. sure he feels this way he is living with and hanging with a young girl. if he got out of his marriage to feel young, than he made a major mistake. if she was under the age of 18 i would be giving her a spanking for 1. getting involved with a man fresh out of a marriage, i think she might have even been involved with ending the marriage thats just how she is to get what she wants.2. getting pregnant by him, if i had to guess she probably did it to keep hold of him.3. getting involved with a man old enough to be her daddy.she is very dead set about being taken care of. and not having to work. so i guess the only thing to do is sit back and see what happens. thanks all for the advice
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): This does sound like a train wreck to meOld guy within a few months of divorce has already knocked up a woman young enough to be his kid. Sounds like he had a mid life crisis. Especially if his ex wife couldn't have children some men grow desperate at not having proof of their virility and seek to impregnate younger women in order to make themselves feel better. And sounds like she is only in it for the money and financial security. Especially since she already was a single mom and now will have another baby she knows she needs all the financial and domestic help she can get. Well if they each are using each other to get what they want I suppose the relationship is mutually beneficial for now. You're worried that she will not actually have the financial security she thinks she does since he has health issues. That's a valid line of reasoning. Since she is primarily in this relationship for money I think you should pursue it from this angle. Let her know that since he doesn't seem to have any intention to marry her, she doesn't really have much claim to his money or assets since she is not his wife. If he keels over and dies tomorrow she may not get anything. Even if he doesn't die anytime soon, its a huge financial risk for her to make herself be financially dependent on a man who is not her husband. If he leaves her for an even younger woman or whatever reason she will have no job to support herself and children and as a non-wife she wont get any "spousal support " because she is not a spouse.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): OP I understand your worries because your daughter is not only shit at dating but she's incredibly naive sounding.
Look I know you're on her side OP, you're her mother, you always will be but when you say what does a 50 year old want with a young woman that's pretty obvious OP, a hot piece of young ass is a prize for any guy and you know he was probably just needing comfort after the break up of his marriage when she turned up and frankly OP your daughter is as easy as they come. I'm not calling her easy in the sense of promiscuous just easy in terms of expectations, she just wants a free ride OP and will get with any man that can provide that for her.
Please don't take offence by this OP but when it comes to men you've raised a fool. She may be a lovely, kind and otherwise intelligent girl but when it comes to men she will never, ever get it, no matter how much you try and make her understand she'll always make idiotic decisions because she's a dreamer and just doesn't get it.
She already has one child and now she's on her way to having another, so even sexually she doesn't know the meaning of the word safe. She doesn't think about the details of relationships at all, the feasibility of certain things, what will happen if she has another child by a disabled man in his 50's, doesn't even think of the whole rebound deal, has no concept that this may not work out as planned in her head, has no concept of things perhaps not working out with this guy in terms of him always being able to provide, she only thinks about the now and she only thinks in terms of whether he can give her the free ride she so desperately craves.
There is nothing you can do OP, she has to grow out of this herself and who knows maybe this guy can provide her happy, ever after, no matter how unlikely all you can do is hope and pick up the pieces when it goes wrong because she will just continue this pattern herself her whole life OP. This isn't something you can teach people OP, you can't snap people out of being this way the only thing that does is things going very wrong for them and women like your daughter OP don't learn that way either because they just never get what went wrong, just "wasn't meant to be".
You just have to sit back and watch things unfold and do your best to support her, but she's not going to listen OP and she will continue this way for a long time to come. If he goes there'll be another sugar daddy provider right around the corner and perhaps another kid. She just doesn't get it and never will OP, she lives on what she wants, her own little fantasy world and I mean come on being a "full time mammy" is nothing to "brag" about in the slightest. It's just normal, it's an incredibly tough job and it says she can't be independent in the slightest which means she'll always need a "daddy" to take care of her OP.
...............................
A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (17 March 2013):
 I'm not entirely sure what you want her to do in this situation. She is already pregnant so he is going to have to be in her life whatever. Would you prefer her to be a single mum? That doesn't sound like an easier option. He probably is a pervy old man but if that's what she likes and wants as you say she is a grown women who can and will make her own decisions.
If she wasn't pregnant maybe you could step in and split them up but I think it's a bit late now.
I'm sure she will be fine, just be a supportive mum to her and your grand kids.
...............................
A
female
reader, sherrig +, writes (17 March 2013):
Things could be worse Mom, he could be a young drug addict without a job. There are some young men that are super, but very few. This man probably makes your daughter feel secure. His condition is controlable with meds and he should be around for a while. He must care about your daughter to take care of her and the babies. You need to be her friend, in case she needs one to lean on. Good Luck
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 March 2013):
 WOW... mom ya had me until you got to
"my issue is what can he possably want with such a young girl? the baby that she is about to have? what could they have in common hes amost 50 for peets sakes?"
Since you are around my age I will assume your daughter is around my son's ages which puts her in her mid to late 20s.
For argument's sake I'll say she's 25.
He's NEARLY 50.... so for argument's sake he's 49
that makes him 24 years older than her and yes that's a gap that's pretty steep.
And yet it's not all that bad.
My husband is 39 and I'm 53. Do you wonder what we have in common? Plenty.
For what it's worth, I have degenerative disc disease and I take synthetic morphine daily as well as heavy muscle relaxers AND VICODAN. All prescribed by my ortho doctor.
I'm not defending him but I gotta tell you if you lived with this pain daily you would be amazed, and to be honest I have a very HIGH threshold of pain. This is a very VERY painful chronic debilitating illness. I was VERY upfront with my husband about it when we got serious. I do not want him to "push me in the wheelchair" but he told me to "shut up" so to speak that he knew what he was doing and he was more than happy to take me on.
They may like the same movies. Maybe they play the same games (that's how I met my husband...we play board games).
I know that many folks do not understand or like age gap relationships... and i have to tell you that I find the ones that work are the ones like mine where the older partner is dragged kicking and screaming into the relationship. We don't target those youngsters... if you believe he targets young girls to take advantage of them, that's one thing... but for most of the older partners, we wish our younger partners did not love us... we worry about them being left alone, planning your funeral, missing you....
if he treats her well
if he's happy
if she's happy
well then I don't see where there is a problem.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2013): I believe she needs pro help at this point to try and sort out this whole thing. There are free phone lines and help centres for women like her. They should be able to help. Your wanting to help is fantastic. I believe you have to point her in the right direction for help and guidance. If she wants to take it or not is another story.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2013): Its deffinitely not the perfect situation, agree. And as a mother I understand your worries. Age difference also plays a role for sure despite the fact that we don't know how old your daughter is. What worries me is that your daughter at the young age keeps on having babies from men that she is not married to, and I think she also think that that's how she will find a provider for her so she can stay home with kids. There is nothing wrong to stay home and raise your children, but to have children with a purpose to stay at home and not to have to work is a different story. She instinctively picked an older man who makes good money, because she probably saw that relying on a someone closer to her age is hopeless in this modern life where men don't take care of their women, and women pull the same load as men and even more.That's not the life she wants for herself. All she wants to do is stay home with babies and not to have to worry about her making a living. Again, there is nothing wrong with that, of you married and planned it all out with your husband, but to keep on having babies from random men so they can give her that life is not the greatest idea. I really don't now though what can you do. She is all grown up, all you can do is tell her your opinion in a kind way, and then leave it up to her. good luck.
...............................
|
