A
male
age
36-40,
*olidus
writes:So, here's the situation. I've been seeing a woman that I met through mutual friends for about 3 months now. Generally, she's cool and very bubbly. I'm a little freaked out right now. She just came over and I told her that a friend of mine tried to kill herself, she then alluded to me that she has tried to do the same in the past and that a friend recently hid a bottle of sleeping pills that came into her possession I'm assuming in case she was feeling suicidal again as a result of her mother seeing her in a grocery store recently and completely ignoring her on purpose. Not even saying hello. As I understand it her mom has never shown her very much love or affection. She also mentioned that she doesn't belong to anyone and no one belongs to her so which is her rationale for why suicide is understandable. As if saying no one would really miss me so who cares. And just now in my kitchen she embraced me for a really long time crying and telling me how much she loves me and how everything that she loves goes away (Her dad died when she was 6)and how incredibly happy being with me makes her. I kind of felt like she was saying that if I were to end things with her she'd fall into a bout of depression and has the potential to harm herself. At least, thats what I felt like she was alluding to me. I mean, why else tell someone those sorts of things? Is she trying to make it impossible for me to leave her or something? Because she isn't my girlfriend right now. just someone I'm seeing. And I dont know if this is relevant but she's got a ton of insecurities concerning her body and what sort of woman I'm attracted to. She's also gone through and read all of my facebook messages and snooped through the pictures on my phone. I feel like these are red flags and I'm not sure how to handle the situation. Can someone please tell me if this seems out of the ordinary or if im overacting? I kind of felt this uneasy pressure.
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male
reader, Solidus +, writes (27 July 2014):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for the help everyone. Especially, Euphoric29. I'm positive when I tell her that we shouldn't date anymore that she's not going to take it very well.
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (26 July 2014):
Dear OP,
I am really sorry for you. This woman exhibits behaviors that sound like she has a borderline personality disorder.
I was never confronted with a situation like this, but I know that people like her can and will act truly crazy to manipulate you and attach you to them. So I understand why you stayed with her and why you told her you love her. You were manipulated and overwhelmed.
My advice is that next time, if you find her and she threatens suicide, you call the paramedics again, saying "I am now at bus stop X and here is Mrs. Y. She just said that if I leave, she will kill herself by taking these and these pills. Also, she already seems intoxicated. Please come over and get her".
The next time she is getting angry at you and slapping you or something like that, you can also call the cops and really wait there until they get her.
What is really important for you to know: You are not responsible for her life. You didn't destroy her by not wanting to date her anymore. It's not your fault what she does now.
On the internet, you can find more professional advice than mine, especially if you google advice about people with borderline personality disorder.
Some advice I found:
http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm
Or here:
http://gettinbetter.com/fiftyways.html
Here is something about suicide threats:
https://www.bpdcentral.com/help-for-families/bpd-articles/?What-to-do-when-feeling-manipulated-by-suicide-threats-10
Again, I was never in that situation and I don't know how good those sites are. But every site says the same. YOU NEED TO BREAK UP. You are contributing to her craziness and you can't truly help her. There are different ways to go, but what is important, is that you really pick a way to leave.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2014): Go to Amazon.com. and check out a book called " I Hate You, Please Don't Leave Me" It's about people with Borderline Personality Disorder. Hopefully this will shed some light on her and your relationship with her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2014): You called the police and paramedics; and then you took it upon yourself to sit the night with her. I don't know what state you're living in, that you call into the police that someone is suicidal; and they don't hospitalize her to determine what she ingested or hold her under observation.
It must be a very financially strapped state, poor police force, and first-responders seem to care less than you do.
I also don't know how the police allow a call made like that, and take no report? You found her, and didn't alert them of the state she was in at that time. Do you see how you feed into her manipulation? The police didn't take you seriously; and no one is going to listen the next time you cry wolf.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 July 2014):
 She sounds like she needs help, MORE then you can give her, as in being committed.
Since you met her through friends have you ASKED any of them what is really up with her?
If I were you I'd call :
1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Read up on they website too.
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/gethelp/someone.aspx
And ASK what you can do. Or even better ASK her to call and talk to someone.
My guess is she has found her "golden point" with you, her MANIPULATION WINNER so to speak. I think IF she even tried to do anything it would ONLY be to manipulate you.
She is a SICK SICK girl.
And honestly, you think by staying you are doing ANYTHING other than play into her sick little game?
That isn't love. That is manipulation from her side and pity and fear from your.
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A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (26 July 2014):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo...last night we had an argument and it got really heated. She slapped me and shoved me and told me to get out of her house and never come back. Sometime after I left She left 17 voice messages on my phone. I wasn't replying because I told he that I was done. She then proceeded to tell me via text that she's "Taken her pills" and that it didn't matter anymore because she wasn't going to be around anymore for me to break her heart. Her messages continued to get more and more cryptic as she made it very clear that this was an attempt at suicide. Naturally, I was upset by this and called 911 to send the police and paramedics to her house. They couldn't reach her. After calling the emergency people I turned my car around and sped to her house. I found her several blocks from her apartment crying at a bus station. She was drowsy and rambling about me turning my back on her and ignoring her like her mother did. After about a half hour and begging and pleading with her to let me walk her back to her apartment, she threatened to kill herself if I didn't stay and talk to her. Saying, this is the last conversation we're ever going to have. You'll wish you had held me once last time when they find my body. At this point its 5 AM and every time I try to leave she described a different way she could kill herself easily...pills, not taking her insulin, etc. I told her that I and a lot of other people love her and that it would be unfair to kill herself and that its terrible to hold me hostage by threatening to kill herself. To placate her I do as she asks and I stay the night, its 7 AM now and I'm only just getting home now. I've never been in this situation before and I'd love it if one of you could tell me what to do. I don't want to feel responsible if she is depressed because she feels like I'm abandoning her and so she attempts to kill herself. What if the next time she tries she's successful? All I know for sure is that definitely no longer be in any sort of relationship with her. After consoling her I KNOW she believes that after all this we could still have a relationship...please tell me what to do. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm afraid of this situation.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 July 2014):
Oh goodness.....
You are going to get stuck with this emotional rollercoaster for a lot longer then I think you want to.
Why say;" yea I love you, but..." No. That is like giving her hope. And the whole camping your doorstep? Seriously? If a guy did this, I would tell just about ANY girl to just call the police.
But you.... you come to a compromise with her. A compromise you don't even want. To placate her.
And if I'm right you will be stupid enough to have sex with her and she will magically end up pregnant so you will be truly stuck with her.
STAYING with her doesn't make you a good guy. If you REALLY don't WANT to be in a relationship then end it and REFUSE contact afterwards.
I agree that you NEED to grow a set.
I didn't think she was a nutter from your original post, just a tad high strung, but your follow up? Yes, you have ONLY scraped the surface with this one, she will only get worse.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2014): OP, I came back to your post to followup on your more recent comments. I also enjoy reading the opinions of all the other others who contribute their opinions.
I think you need to read what you've written; because you're just a bit contradictory, and flipping things about. I try to pay close attention. I may miss the mark now and then; as I am only human. However; I think you're trying to appear noble and come across like you're being pursued by a nutcase.
In reality; you're stringing this woman along. You just don't feel like putting up with the drama, and you're not the least worried she'll hurt herself. I gather you don't know how to dump her without her coming back and hanging at your door for hours.
If you tell her it's over and go no contact; she'll get the point. If she lingers at the door, call the police and have them escort her away. If she needs help, call an ambulance and tell them she has threatened to do herself harm.
Man-up and stop messing around.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29 +, writes (24 July 2014):
Dear OP,
I wrote my message BEFORE I read your follow up.
This is a very bad compromise you only made because you were confused, scared, or feeling pity because of her emotional outburst. Of course, I feel sorry for this woman too - but can you have a healthy relationship like that? No, you can't. Feeling sorry or guilty will NEVER replace love and it's no reason to start a relationship.
So, "grow a pair" so to say, and make a choice.
In or out? It's YOU who has to take the wheel and steer it. Don't let her tears decide the course of this relationship. You are in charge of this situation, and if you don't decide anything, you just fuel her hopes that you might become a happy couple one day and it won't surprise me she will act completely crazy if you destroy those hopes a few weeks from now.
Right now, you are just saying b*s* to her and that's also one of the reasons why there is so much drama. To say "I love you but I want to be by myself for a while" does not make any sense! When you love someone, you don't want to be by yourself for a while. You want them around you.
"I thought I could fall in love, at first, but I didn't and want to end it now" would make much more sense, for instance.
When it comes to the questions "do you love me?" or "do you want to be with me?" - don't lie. And don't say nonsense. You can still end it in a friendly way, saying you still care about her, as a friend. Or something that you really mean.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29 +, writes (24 July 2014):
Dear OP,
On one hand I understand this crying scene and the weird stories of her past. If she is really in love with you, she might feel like she can be totally open, share everything and that she has found something she's never had. It would be beautiful if you felt the same.
But you don't. So right now, she is living in an illusion.
My advice is to be honest. That for you, this is not a relationship, that you are seeing her, but that you are not sure about being with her. Lying to her would not be a solution. She is not your responsibility and if she gives you that feeling, it's not a good start for a relationship.
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A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (24 July 2014):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo, the night before last we had an argument and she left my house in tears. She repeatedly called me and I opted not to answer my phone. So the next day I awake to 7 missed calls that morning a text message saying "I'm here. Please open the door." So she basically came to my apartment and waited outside my door from 9:30 to around 11 when I woke up and opened my door.
So she came inside and we had a discussion about us. I told her yeah, I love you but I really would like to be by myself for a while. At which point she completely fell apart. Starting shoving me and crying, calling me a terrible person, and asking how I could do this to her.
At the end of a lot of crying and hysterics on her part we reached this kind of forced compromise where we're still dating, but she's not my girlfriend. Even though that's what she really wants. She says she doesn't want to be my option, but that's what life is...options. And I'm just trying to decide if she's the right one for me. I don't think it's right to force someone into a relationship if they're not ready for it just because you are.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 July 2014):
I have to say, DO NOT date her because you feel pity or you are scared she will harm herself if you end the relationship.
If you LIKE her as a person, and it seems to me that you aren't as into her as she THINKS she is into you... then continue to date her, but don't expect a drama free relationship.
She has issues and HONEY, it's not your job to fix those issues. ONLY she can do that. And only 3 months into a relationship, it can be kind of hard to say, I think you should get some therapy and see your doctor for that depression you talk about.
If you FEEL like it's not a girl you want to be with, LET her know, better break up now then later.
Since you met her through friends, I would honestly ask them why they set you up with her. Or how well they know her.
you CAN NOT control what she does, what she thinks or feels. She will do what SHE wants to regardless.
I mean do you want to BE with her or not.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 July 2014):
 Her issues and her reactions to your choices ARE NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
IF you do not want to date her then you need to NOT date her and you need to let her know that she can say or do anything she wants to say or do and that you are NOT the responsible party.
Make sure she KNOWS her drama queen ways are not going to illicit guilt on your part or force you to do something you don't want to do.
End it sooner rather than later.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2014): I dont think you are exagerationg at all. First of, stories she told you are a method people use to manipulate others. People who like to say pitiful stories about themselves are may be unintentionally trying to get other people feel sorry for them, and do things for them.
One of my friends used to whine all the time about her cheap husband, and how she never has any money. She pretended that she can't afford anything, and when we went out, I feeling bad for her paid her part of the bill sometimes.
Until I noticed her 200$ shoes and new jewelry.
Your girfriend is telling nightmare stories about her family to make you feel bad for her, and thus trying to keep you with her. May be she does feel abandoned sometimes, but don't we all.
I remember this lonely feeling when I was visiting my dad, and I could feel how restless he is around me, like had nothing to say to me anymore. And then how sad I was on a plane and first week at home. But then we get over it, pull ourselves together and life goes on .
This is healthy approach.
Your girfriend dwells on her family stories, keeping herself in A sad state of mind, creating unnecessary drama, and frankly acts quite innapropriate towards you.
The only thing I have little doubts about: you " seeing" her for 3 months, and what exactly you think she is to you? Are you guys just having sex sometimes, or you are dating, going place, doing things together?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (23 July 2014):
 You may be reading too much. You talked about your friend trying to kill herself, which started the topic between you two. She then shared her opinion on suicide. You have to tell her though, you don't consider her as girlfriend. But why does she have access to your facebook and phone? Did you give her the feeling that she is your girlfriend but inside you didn't really think so? When she says she loves you, you probably didn't say it back. Some women do get sentimental and cry. Nothing alarming. The problem is that you two are not on the same page.
Are you feeding on her insecurity? Does it make you feel good that a woman is so smitten by you? Do her a favour and stop leading her on. Don't use your pity as a reason to stay with her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2014): You're a grown man, and shouldn't be so naive; if you're in the dating scene. You can't control what people say and do. She's using psychological-blackmail to keep you around. You've got a hold of someone with a possible borderline personality disorder; or your typical drama-queen. Wise up to some of the games some women play. Don't be a sucker.
I think you're intelligent enough to know that you can't let women manipulate you with threats of harming themselves or emotionalizing. If she is capable of harming herself, what's to stop her from doing so; whenever she is under duress, emotional distress about other things; or having a bad day? Can you protect her from herself 24/7?
Tell her family she threatened to harm herself, and run for the hills. Dramatizing and telling sob stories is just emotional manipulation. Using your pity and empathy to control you.
For heaven sake, stop seeing women as so fragile and easy to break. She has possible mental-health issues, and if she goes into depression, or does herself harm; that's what ambulances and doctors are for.
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