A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok, this isn't exactly a relationship but I'm really in need of help and could use some constructive advice.My life is not what it should be and there needs to be change, because it really sucks. I'm in a career I just defaulted into, I would like to have a different career eventually and I am sick of being broke and would like to change my financial situation. I am afraid that it's too late in life for me to do anything about it. Worst of all, I am so afraid that I will never figure out what the purpose for my life is until it's too late. I've been feeling anxious about this, to the point that it keeps me up at night. It's eating at me. I'm nearly 30 years old, and I'm afraid it's too late in life to change my financial situation or my career. I don't want to just endure life, I want to do great things in this world. Is that a sign that I'm deluded, maybe even a little bit mental? I don't want to be a nobody, I want to be important. I want to have dreams and realize them. I feel like there was SOMETHING I was born to do, but I don't know what it is. I'm afraid that it's too late in life or that I'll never figure it out. I don't care about material things or wealth per se, but I long for freedom and independence and being able to provide for myself and my pets/family. Unfortunately money is what buys those things. I'm an English teacher. Honestly, I like teaching, but it's not my Golden path. I have had students that I've become really attached to, bonded with, and love dearly. But a lot of stuff about teaching drains me, like being underpaid, dealing with administrative crap, teaching kids who misbehave and parents who get an attitude with me because their kid was too lazy to study and consequently failed their test or quiz. I know I'll get flack for being selfish or shallow but here's how I got into teaching. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life at ALL. I had decided to become a lawyer but I worked as a secretary in a law office after college and hated it and lost respect for the legal profession. I had a useless degree in Spanish (learning Spanish was a smart move, majoring in it was the dumbest mistake ever!!), I worked a series of crappy jobs, and was ashamed of not having a career. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life but I KNEW I wanted to travel the world and I liked teaching so I got trained to be an English teacher. I taught English in Mexico. That's another story but the only reason I want to go back is my best friend, but I can't discuss my feelings for him because he needs his space and can't handle a relationship and I don't want to pursue him because he would be upset. I love him but I feel like I need to give him a bit of space because he needs it. I have decided I want to teach overseas ONE more time before closing the book on it. I just feel like I was meant to do something else in life. Maybe I have multiple vocational callings and English teaching was one of them, but I have a feeling I've missed what I was born to do. I want a CAREER. I want freedom and independence. I want to do something that my heart's in and not live in financial or emotional bondage. I'm afraid that it's too late to escape financial bondage. I'm afraid that it's too late to change careers. I'm afraid that my life will pass me by before I find my life's purpose and I'm getting anxious. Any advice??Thanks if you can help me.
View related questions:
best friend, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 October 2013):
 I have to ask, are you really looking for advice? You responded to one tiny bit of one aunt's post and that was it. This feels more like you are venting, just kind of getting it all out. What I see is that you are repeating the same question in different forms.
Have you ever sought professional counseling or seen your doctor about this?
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 October 2013):
"Please say something comforting about my friend loving me back. He's the ONLY one for me. Please please pretty please I love him. I don't wanna share my life with some crummy man I won't care for."
I'm sorry that you are this stuck. I hope you find something within yourself that will lead to toward positive action.
I'm sorry, but I'm not very good at lying to people. Is that what you want? To believe pretty lies?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2013): 'It's not WHAT you do, that matters, but how you DO what you do that matters ( this can be anything at all...walking to the laundrette and smiling at someone. Great to have BIG dreams and healthy however sometimes this blocks what is right under our nose every minuite of the day.
The only time things are too late, is when we are no longer living or with one foot in the grave...you can change your life overnight and this starts with your belief system.
I once read this same/ similar post approx two years ago..was it you, by any chance?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2013): I can relate to how uneasy and worrisome it is to be feeling what you are. Even though you find it harsh, the people here make good points on what’s happening to you and even offer direction to consider. Don’t expect the advice to be comforting or soft, because honestly that won’t help you. You are intelligent enough to self-comfort yourself. If you want to make a positive change and move toward where you want to go, you need to really consider what the advice here means and then decide what you’re going to do next. Importantly, you should reevaluate your outlook on your current situation. Force yourself to move your thoughts from helplessness, self-loathing, pity and other negative attitudes to a more positive outlook, even if you don’t feel so positive in the moment. Begin to let go of the feeling that it’s too late. It’s never too late for virtually anything, especially a career. Listen to the advice on change posted here. Even if you don’t exactly know where you’re going or will end up, begin building momentum through change, even if it’s small. It really is ok to be where you are at with your career and to feel that what you have done before and doing now is not your calling. But allowing the pain, regret, feeling stuck and helpless hold you from making changes and being happier is tragic because it is within your control to begin to change. You said you know you would like traveling the world and would like to close your teaching chapter buy teaching abroad one last time. You know something about what you want at this moment and that’s a great start. I bet this will take you one step closer to finding that career and life purpose you seek. The people you meet and experiences along the way may even help you find what you are looking for. I don’t think there is doubt that you love your friend. But the fact that “I can't discuss my feelings for him because he needs his space and can't handle a relationship and I don't want to pursue him because he would be upset” does not sound like there is any room for a relationship. If you can’t even discuss your feelings with him, can’t be in a relationship with him, then there is a tiny chance you can find long-term love/happiness with him.There is no such thing as only one man for you (or any woman). It’s a combination of things that make a man a great fit for you. Moreover, a man has to be in the right place in his life and share mutual feelings for a woman to be a lifelong partner for her. It really doesn’t sound like your friend is in a place where he can share mutual feelings. You can wait for him, but you may end up waiting forever. You can still care for your friend but its better to let go and to get out there and search for another man who will love you back, care for you, fulfill you emotionally, sexually and so much more.If you have to know whether your friend feels the same way for you, then consider breaking his rules and have an honest discussion where you can express your feeling and know what and why he doesn’t feel for you. If it’s not mutual, which is what it sounds like, perhaps knowing will help you to close the chapter with him and move on to finding a better man for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2013): Don't you get it? I can't just turn my back on my best friend.
I'm really upset b y aunty em's answer. It breaks my heart to think he will never love me back.
dear other aunts,
Please say something comforting about my friend loving me back. He's the ONLY one for me. Please please pretty please I love him. I don't wanna share my life with some crummy man I won't care for.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 October 2013):
 I too remmember - but vaguely- more posts from you, so, even without recollecting all the details , I'd agree with Tisha 1 that your main problem is that you feel hopeless, disempowered, put upon, and unable to change the status quo. While I guess there are in everybody's life SOME circumstamces that just can't be changed, your job is to find, not the perfect, ut the best possible way to play with the cards you are being dealt with, and you won't be able to do it uness you ditch the hapless victim mentality and harness your scattered energies . I think too that this should be done with guidance and professional help , and that you should consider it an investment in your future.
Said that, I want to add some general considerations :
No, it's not too late to start a career at your age. In USA, then ?? Something I have always admired there is the willingness and capacity ( and the occasion they are offered, of course as compared to other places )people have reinvent themselvs and really do a professional 180 ° at much later ages than ypurs.
Of course , though, to build a career, it helps to know what you'd WANT to do, and take it from there. You need to find a way to discover what your calling could be- or at least something you'd like to do, which is also compatible with your attitudes and knowledges. There are attitudinary tests on line, there are self help books ( not that they are the ultimate word of truth, but they give you input - check out one called " The Passion Test )... and there's tryng to stop the mind chatter, and going within to reflect calmly and unhurriedly. With no pressure or panic.
Of course, you can make things easier for you if you start building from where you are now. I mean, maybe you find out that your heart's desire would be to join the circus to become a great ropewalker, but, yes, it may be a bit late for THAT. Why don't you explore starting from the skills, titles, etc. that you already have ?
For example, - just a very random example, to give you an idea - you are already bilingual. You master a second language perfectly, so that means you have a knack for languages , or at least that for you it's easier than for other people . Why don't you learn a 3rd lnguage ? French, or maybe Russian or Arabic ? With 3 languages you have could work in the hotel industry ( big hotel chains make you travel , too ) , or with airlines...or shipping lines... you can become a translator ... apply for positions in many international companies...import/ export... humanitarian organizations...
Ok, now you are going to tell me, but I HATE languages :) It was just an example. Take what you already can do , or feel you'd be good at doing- and stretch it beyond the usual box in which you are used to think.
- Keep it real. No job is perfect, no career is perfect. You started law and you did not like the ethics, you started teaching and did not like the parents.... In every job, even the most lucrative prestigious position in the world , there are unpleasant sides. It's delusional to think that , as long as you find your " call ", then it's all smooth sailing. I had the chance to have a few convos with a very very famous movie actress ( not tryng to glamour myself up , lol- we just happened to have kids going to the same school ) and she sounded sincerely fed up with all the crap that even a star's got to put up with in her line of business.
You do a job- and you learn to take the bitter with the better, as long as it is reasonably feasoble.
Also, define " important " what does it really mean important to you ? Big bucks, a big car ? Do you need to make the headlines to feel important ?
I'd say that, nowadays, a person that can be independent, and make rent and bills, and not be a burden to her community- well, that's already important, she is an important person. If she can somehpw contribute to said community, abd, through her job, leaving it a little bit better than she found it, that's important. If she does something , no matter how menial, WELL, in a way that helps other people and make their day easier , that's important. If she does a honest job with integrity and committment... and so on and so forth.
Last but not least, I did not get if you want back home to be with your friend, or if you want to go abroad again for him, but, in any case- don't. Freeze that. Think about you, not him.
Not that I don't realize how important love and feelings are in a person's life ( if I had not known it already, I could not have helped getting it after a few years on Dear Cupid ! ), but, there are priorities. Some times you've got to go forward by baby steps, not big leaps. You can't handle tons of thing all together. You CAN rebuild your life, at any age, but do not try to do the roof and the walls and the floor and the cellar all together at the same time.
Your situation, financial and emotional, is complicated, let's say messy. I think I remember there are family issues, money issues, housing issues, job issues.... practical stuff. Start from there. Take the first steps toward improving your resources and living on your own. Once you are more secure, and clearer about what you can / want / have to do - then we'll think about love. Good luck, and read those books that Tisha-1 recommends.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 October 2013):
Hi, I have read many of your posts. You come across as being helpless yet angry at life, you aren't happy wherever you are. You enjoyed music yet stopped playing guitar because you felt bullied by fellow ex-band members. Your dog died and you feel incredible guilt over it yet won't consider finding a way to bond with other animals. The guy you feel for doesn't like you in the same way, but you can't move on and look for other men because you have decided that he is the ONLY one for you, despite there being other men on the planet. Essentially you slam the door on future happiness by keeping your focus on the past.
I would encourage you, as an investment in your future, to go see a really good mental health doctor and get started on a course of recovery.
I have 3 books listed on my profile, I would hope that you've heard about them. Read at least one of them.
You are stuck in your mind, you've created a narrative of negativity and self-doubt and alienation. This is arising from within your own approach to life and YOU DON'T NEED TO LIVE LIKE THIS. You are living in the past while creating obstacles to your future in your mind. You are living in fear created by your mind.
There is help out there, go get it. No one here has the magic answer. It lies within you. Open yourself to asking for help. Open yourself to thinking less and just being present in your life. (That will make sense when you read any of those books.)
Go be healthy, it is a choice you can make.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (28 October 2013):
 I can't see a problem here?
Are you saying you cannot do the career you wish to do because you are in love with someone who doesn't love you?
Seems like an excuse to me. Maybe you are telling him you want to work abroad and travel so he will suddenly start begging you not to go...
But you won't go anyway, because you can't bear to be away from the guy you love?
It's never too late to retrain and change careers. Sure, you might swing from being piss poor to being a high earner...that's just how it goes sometimes when you are changing tracks...just don't let anyone stop you, because that cuts down your choices and denies you other paths which may bring what you are searching for.
Life will pass you by if you sit on yout tush, year in year out mulling over the 'what if's'...sometimes you just have to take the bull by the horns.
As for the guy you are in love with who does not love you...get rid of him out of your life. No good will come of it and he most likely won't change his view.
Guys like women to hang around them spouting 'love'...it makes them feel wanted and needed, but it does not make them want YOU...it's all about the ego.
Get him out of the picture because new careers, new paths and new and more meaningful relationships are out there waiting for you to go get them.
...............................
|
