A
female
age
36-40,
*lexia846
writes:I used to be in an very emotionally unhealthy relationship of five years which was my first one i was 19- and it lasted until i was 24. I finally left the abusive relationship and have taken three years to really recover and get my self to start looking and date. I want to give a little background as I have been diagnosed with OCD parts of my OCD are germaphobia and fear of getting diseases. Part of a huge reason i put up with my ex is because he understood my ocd and didnt hink i was crazy. I have gone on a few dates in the last few years but i have not been with anyone romantically. I just met a guy of off a dating site thought id give that a try and just found out after four dates that he just wanted sex and he was leading up to that and i just havent talked to him since then..Although people say i am very attractive and nice and have everything going for me my job and two deegres I am so scared that i sound like a freak if i wait or is there such a thing on guys waiting to have sex anymore..Its not that i cant find anyone cause i find ppl are always attracted I was just wonderig if guys wait anymore? the guy i just met kissed me right away and wouldnt stop saying how attractive i was and when he saw that i didnt give it up after four dates he left...Its not htat im a prude im just so scared of contacting something and my biggest fear is what if i contact something and no one will ever want me or marry me.. I try so hard on the exterior to be fit to be blond big boobs and nice nad perfect that i always find someone but i have been discouraged to see that people well guys wont wait?? I want to get to know someone before I jump into the sack- am i just not meeting the right guys..? Am i being paranoid i mean i never had a one night stand. Ive only had one partner..Do guys that wait exist anymore or are they just found in religious groups? I mean the guy i went on four dates with after i said id like to take it slow just stopped talking to me and people tell me that i have to risk it to get to know people but idont want to catch anything.. im so torn i always go with an honest and open heart and i always get kicked to the curn..I am getting more nervous because i am 27 and i am so scared that my OCD will never allow me to meet someone...Please advice- in your experience if you find someone attracting and nice would you wait. it takes me a month or two to feel :comfortable and by ocd to go away
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 October 2013):
 I see nothing wrong in you wanting to get to know a person and feel secure in the knowledge that they are tested and clean before having sex.
I would be upfront about when you met a guy who you are interested in and who is interested in you. That you are not a girl who can jump into bed fast. That you are looking for a guy who is ready to wait. If your limit is minimum 6 months of serious dating before sex, then that is OK! And if a guy isn't OK with that, well then he isn't for you, is he?
I know the younger generation is all about instant gratification but I think (besides religious fellas) that there are guys out there who are willing to wait WITH you if he feel you are right for him too.
So if date #1 and #2 goes well and you are BOTH still interested ,tell him. Let him know that you don't want to lead him on, but that you want to go slow and XX months is what you feel comfortable with.
As for your OCD, I was diagnosed in my teens (almost 30 years ago) and I got help ( I have a fear of contamination or dirt and having things orderly and symmetrical "conditions") I absolutely loathe doctor's offices, hospitals and being around people in larger groups because of germs. It used to be a lot worse, but therapy did help ( I didn't get any meds but was given tools to help me. Such as setting up structure of my day, getting plenty of exercise ( funny enough me getting a horse helped a lot, even with my fear of dirt, grime and germs I had no problem mucking stables for instance - animals don't bother me one bit, people do.) And last but not least learning relaxation methods, such as yoga would help me center myself when my mind would go in overdrive .
SO DO consider finding a therapist who deals with OCD.
I do not agree with Xearo that you should somehow dress down because you can be stereo typed as big boobs & blond which somehow should equate to want to have sex asap. I get what he is saying, but I think it's wrong to tell you that you can't dress the way you do. If people take you serious in your work place I think you know how to dress without coming off as a "bimbo" (in lack of a better word).
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (28 October 2013):
At your age, I have to give you props because most ladies I know at this age are actually either into quickly settling down or just not looking for anyone "generally" (ie they want someone extremely specific). I myself am looking for someone for the long term, and I am willing to wait but I have had no such luck in my country ...as you can tell from my first statements. I think in your story there are some issues that must remain separate because I don't think they matter in initial dating.
Firstly, you are searching for someone with specific qualities (one of which is waiting) so you have to just be patient. I feel like you need to understand that it is a matter of searching for the right guy, at least one that will make you comfortable with who you are and make you feel like more of yourself. So the key here is to have patience.
Secondly, STD's etc is very real and very scary so I do not blame you for being concerned on this matter. In fact, if you are searching for a long-term partner, I happen to think holding out is very reasonable. I believe three months is enough time to get to know someone, especially to find out if he has any diseases or not. Three months is not a long time if you want a lifelong partner.
Thirdly, do not let your own issues get in the way of dating/getting to know someone. There are a lot of dating tips out there which are not bad at all. Your own issues like OCD, past relationships etc while are important to you, is not the focal point of dating...dating is intended to learn about someone new... give you opportunities to ask questions about that person. You need to have fun, relax and just enjoy the experience else your insecurities will govern your vibes and I am sure guys will sense something is up.
You could always analyse yourself in the way you dress, it could be giving off strong sexual vibes if you are "blond big boobs" but it isn't something I can necessarily give advice on. But it wouldn't hurt to do some online research on this matter as well.
I wish you luck in dating, my only important advice comes from experience is to not think about it so much.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2013): As someone who wanted to take it slow but gave in to pressure and contracted herpes, I can say you are definitely in the right to want to wait, and that your fears are not unfounded. Please don't let this scare you though.
You should always stay true to yourself. Guys who wait do exist. They are hard to find, but they are out there. Up to now, it seems you just haven't been meeting the right guys. From my experience, dating sites are used mostly by guys looking for an easy catch. Just keep staying firm in your desire to wait and eventually a guy who respects that will show up.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2013): I would wait 6 months if I liked the woman. Probably not a year but I would wait a while for sure. 2 or 3 months is no problem if this is how she always conducts her dating life. Unfortunately for you the majority of guys got tired of waiting by the age of 20. Don't blame them, blame your fellow girls. Most girls only reward their patience with words not actions. Girls are usually thankful about not being pressured for sex right away but they still continue to sleep with other guys right away for pushing harder. Guys see that and eventually even the ones willing to wait get sick of feeling like suckers. The best thing I could suggest you do is #1, be up-front about your feelings that you don't want sex right away. #2, tell guys you have always made every guy wait a long time and you have very few past partners. This shows you really do believe and live by these values. You don't just pretend to be sexually conservative when it stands to benefit you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2013): You could tell a man you want to wait 5 years for sex and if he doesn't respect that or tries to change your mind, he's not worth it. I'm glad that POS left after 4 dates, he wasn't getting what he wanted. I know your sex issues are OCD related, but yeah, our society doesn't like it when people (especially women) want to hold off. There's so much pressure to sleep together, even if we're seeing eachother casually. Have you had a chance to get counseling? I don't know what your insurance is like or if you even have any, but I really hope you get to see a therapist. The ultimate goal doesn't have to be sex, there are more reasons for not wanting to have sex than being afraid of germs. My sister and brother-in-law waited for marriage and even on their honeymoon, they laid towels down on the bed before hand. I hope you don't feel you have to explain yourself to guys, about how hard it is for you to get intimate. Immature people think it's directed at them when it's really about you. You shouldn't need an explanation about no sex, simply tell the guy you're not rady and stand your ground. The only men I know of who are willing to wait ARE religious types. It seems in our society that if a person wants to hold off on sex for non-religious reasons, society seems offended by that for some reason.Nickole
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