A
female
age
41-50,
*bppasd
writes:Dear cupid,I recently being three months ago started dating a guy 9 years younger than me I am 29 he is 20. I lost my father on fathers day and then my husband left me 2 weeks after his passing. I was freinds with the guy I am dating now for a few months ad we were both in relationships after both of our relationships failed we ended up dating one another. he's young I know but one of the major things that I loved about him was his attention I saw him giving his girlfriend at the time and the amount of effort I saw him put forth when things went sour for the both of them. Since we have been together, I much like a mother, and can't help but do since I am a mom of 2 young ones myself tend to take care of him a lot. He seems to have gotten used to this and I feel he is taking advantage of me now. He takes all those things he used to be so appreciative for and makes them a necessity, now I can't seem to get away from doing all those things without seeming like a bitch! I have lost a lot of weight although I was not too big to begin with, and which I know he thinks about weight a lot. His previous girlfriend was in pagents and she was perfect in his eyes. I am constantly jealous because he always talks to girls at college and gets their numbers, he has a facebook with 423 friends mostly girls, when i tell him this drives me crazy and makes me jealous he says oh well he is not going to change, and he will notbe the same way with me like he was with previous girlfriend he would have done anything for. I feel not as loved, underappreciated and not so sure why h thinks he is in love with me. Does he like the mommy image that I take care of him or what. He says he loves me all the time a lot actually, ad he tries a little but as far as making me feel comfortable about so many females apart of his life he wont stop! was once his "friend" and I am afraid of I guess someone else he may call just a "friend" So do I cntinue to invest mysef and put up and shut up so to speak since I love the heck out of him or do I stand my ground and demand things that hurt me and my feelings? I am afraid of running him off by requesting things for myself. By the way since we have been together he has never taken me out for a "date" I have asked him to but he just wont!What to do???? Please help!!Candace
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female
reader, hannahgolightly  +, writes (30 October 2009):
 Hello,
I understand how you are feeling. You could probably do with more support from the man in your life than you are getting.
I am all for relationships that bridge large age gaps, BUT only when these relationships are making the people involved HAPPY. In general, cultural values lead us to believe that we should date people in our own age group. As a rule, that works well for the majority of people, providing them with shared life experiences and goals. I believe that these are not the only measures of compatibility, so writing off special connections with people just because they don't tick the age box is wrong. Having said all this, you are NOT happy. Your letter mentions several problems that are all symptoms of the fact that however much you love your man, he is not giving you what you need. You deserve the love, maturity and support of a man. You already have children and the last thing you need right now is the added burden of a man who acts like another child for you to look after. Mr Right will surely be a man who looks after you and helps you to look after your children. Right now, you either need fun or kindness and this boyfriend of yours is not providing either of these. Find the man who will.
A
male
reader, Spiralvector +, writes (21 October 2009):
 I have to agree with CaringGuy on the direct part. Talk to him. This may not have been the way things were intended to go, but this is what they are becoming. If he is a guy worth having he does not want to take advantage of you. He shouldn’t shoulder your responsibilities, but if he loves you, he will share in them. If you talk to him frankly and he responds like a man who loves you, everything is golden.Some of what you say about looks make me wonder if he is rather superficial. You said you loved his attention, but then it doesn’t sound like you’re the focus of that attention. You should be. I have no problem with age differences, but this one doesn’t quite seem grown up yet. “he says oh well he is not going to change, and he will notbe the same way with me like he was with previous girlfriend he would have done anything for. I feel not as loved, underappreciated and not so sure why h thinks he is in love with me. “It sounds to me like you know the truth here. Don’t be with him just to be with someone. Maybe I’m wrong here, but I feel he should want to do anything for you,. He should want to stop flirting with other women when it hurts you. He should want to help you, and at a minimum make sure he isn’t adding to your work. The feelings of being unappreciated will not disappear unless things change, they will just get worse.Anyhow, I say stand your ground and talk to him. If he loves you like he says, he will address his behavior.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (21 October 2009):
You cougar! :)
I'm a young man dating an older woman myself, and I actaully set some rules with her to prevent this happening because I didn't want to be mothered. I basically do everything for myself. Cooking, washing, absolutely everything. (To be fair, I don't live with her, but see her and stay with her a lot). He is taking advantage of you because you've effectively become a mother to him. If you want this to work, you really need to talk to him. Say that you are feeling unappreciated, and even say that you feel more like this mother. Guys respond to direct words, so be direct. If he's anything less than understanding and caring, then ditch him. You are the independent woman here, and you can and should make him pull his weight. My girlfriend does, and it really works. Talk to him, tlel him how you feel and see what happens.
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