A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, my question is about infatuation or the "spark", and about my fears of getting into relationships.My last boyfriend dumped me a few months ago. We were together for a year. I really did love him but always had this bad feeling in my gut that he didn't care about me as much as I did about him. His actions sometimes made it seem like he was very nonchalant about our relationship. I made sure not to act clingy and did my best to act like I wasn't desperately in love with him, even though I was. I didn't want him to know that he had power over me and my emotions because I was scared of what he would do if he knew how much I really loved him, if that makes sense. I loved him more than I've ever loved a guy before and I cried about every other day that we were together (I wish that was an exaggeration...) because I really didn't feel like he cared about me. But I never EVER cried in front of him.When he broke up with me, he told me it was because he didn't know what he wanted, and he didn't want to keep hurting me. I pretended not to care, (I didn't cry or anything, just said that I deserved better anyway and walked away) but it really broke me. Then a few days later, I was using his friend's phone and saw a text my ex had sent him the day before we broke up saying "I don't have feelings for her anymore" and that hurt, a WHOLE lot and hurt my self esteem a lot. I was a mess for a few weeks but now it's been a while and I am much better off. A lot stronger, more independent, I figured out that I can be happy without a relationship, I don't cry nearly as much as I did when we were together, etc. And I don't really have feelings for him anymore...I have to see him everyday but I no longer feel sad or feel anything, really, when I have to see him. But now I have been wondering if most of my relationships are going to fail because of this. It seems like many relationships only last until the infatuation and excitement dies out (which is inevitable). I have been talking to and going on dates with a guy I really like for about 3 months and we seem to be more compatible than my ex and I were. I feel like I don't have to put up an act with him, I don't have to act like I don't care, I can (and do) say my honest thoughts and feelings and he STILL sticks around. I can tell he is into me, he makes it evident that he cares. But I am VERY cautious about getting into another relationship. Even though I am very into him, I almost don't even want to get myself into one again, because I feel as though once the infatuation stage is over, he's gonna dump me or find someone else. Is this likely to happen again? And is it really true love if the relationship ends once the spark/infatuation dies? I'm very confused.
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male
reader, RevMick  +, writes (25 April 2014):
 Hi there,Relationships don't just happen and work out perfectly (that is only in fairy tales). Some days in a relationship, you or your partner are going to have a bad day at work, hard day at college or just someone cuts past you in the queue.It's about understanding that things take compromises, sometimes we don't get our own way. If you are constantly worried about the "spark" you will be too focused on it. And unfortunately the things we focus on and worry about the most, are usually what ends up happening.I would not worry about infatuation, because in the right relationship infatuation will turn into love. Sometimes you find out that it was only lust (which is ok too) but constant lust isn't a good thing.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 April 2014):
 Or, YOU are going to dump him and find someone else. Don't think that women are exempt, or that you are exempt , from the infatuation stage.
As a matter of fact, it seems your previous relationship was heavily based on infatuation ,- only, infatuation on your side laster longer than on his, so you found yourself high and dry. But I really think that eventually ( they say the infatuation stage lasts up to 3 years ) you'd have opened your eyes and realized that a love you have to cry for, alternate days, has not much to do with LOVE ( i.e. not just passion, but also compatibility, trust, mutual respect, and the liberating feeling that you can be just yourself and you'll be accepted just like you are ). More with ego, or insecurity, or wanting to " win " what you can't have..
Yes, obviously relationships do not survive the infatuation/ lust / butterflies in the stomach stage - IF that's all they have to keep them going. If they are based on something more solid, if they are made of stronger fabric, ... the infatuation passes, and the love stays , maybe ( just maybe ) in less romantic, passionate, all-out ways, but it stays.
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