A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,Well this is my situation. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years, I love him lots. We recently were planning to get together (get married). He's in his early 20's and so am I.I would really like to marry him, I think he's a great guy and he would make an excellent father.The thing is, he's suffered from paranoia, chronic major depression for like 5-6 years now and also has ADHD. I know him for long and I know he's not dangerous or aggresive. Now he's on meds and checked periodically by a psychiatrist, which is good and he's usually a very stable person (emotionally).I'm not afraid of him passing this disorders to my kids, I'm just afraid he couldn't get a stable job or make a normal life. I don't really know if a person in his condition could ever have a normal life: raise kids, get a serious job, deal with everyday stress and handle the responsibilities and everyday duties.This may be a stupid question but I know it's already hard to share your life with a healthy minded ´person then this must be 10x more complicated. I try to be patient and understanding for most of time but getting married and having kids would imply more from him.I hope someone can help me, share their experiences with me, thoughts or if someone had a similiar experience.Thanks for taking the time
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2011): For me personally, I wouldn't do it, I know myself and I wouldn't be able to cope.
But you have been with him for awhile now, you seem to have put alot of thought into this, and are being very logical and reasonable, weighing up all the pros and cons, so if you feel like you could cope even when you know some times will be really rough, and that you could build the life you want with this man, then go for it.
On the other hand, don't marry him for the wrong reasons, because you feel obliged or would feel bad if you left him because of his disorders. Ultimately your choice, good luck!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 October 2011):
 I am ADHD. I hate to tell you but he probably WILL pass his disorders on to your children. Both of my kids have ADHD and one has depression. The other has something called PDD-NOS which is part of the autistic spectrum.
Mental illness just like any other genetic disorder is passed down to our kids.
As an ADHDer, I have HORRIBLE skills in life, money management and making relationships work. I have had 3 husbands... I'm in a serious relationship now but the truth is that all the men I end up with are as broken as I am.
I do not think a strong stable person could really deal with my disorders.
Yes I'm functional. Yes I"m managed. Yes I'm lovable but in a very quirky sort of way...
Broken people deserve love too but they have to work at not being broken...
if he is in therapy or has had life skills training and is working on his disorders and taking his medications it's very possible he will be quite functional and that this can and will work.
BUT, there will be times that he will need med adjustments and things can be very dark then. And he can't stop taking his meds... ADHD folks self medicate... not pretty, nicotine, coffee, pot, alcohol, cocaine... all of these are drugs of choice.... especially if they are not managing their disorders through proper treatment with medical professionals.
ADHD is a neurobiochemical disorder.. it's not a weakness.
IF you want to be with this man (and i can get why you do us ADHDers can be quite charming and fun) gird your loins for a roller coaster.. and READ as much as you can.
feel free to private message me to discuss it further if you want.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 October 2011):
 "I don't really know if a person in his condition could ever have a normal life: raise kids, get a serious job, deal with everyday stress and handle the responsibilities and everyday duties."
Im sorry to say so, but no. They typically can not deal with the normal life you expect, or do what you'd expect a healthy person can do. Which is the same as if you marry someone physically disabled, say in a wheel chair. There are things they just can not do. Then again, there are plenty of things he CAN do. And if you married someone seemingly healthy that is not a guarantee that they will be able to do things you expect of them either, nor is it a guarantee that they will never fall into depression/get physically disabled later in life.
Life and love especially is taking risks. With an already depressed person with personality disturbances and weak mental health, you are taking a much higher risk. However if you understand his condition you can learn to live with it and work around it. But it will be extra challenging for you, add extra pressure on you, and you will have to work extra hard to make up for the things that he can not do.
I suggest you try to live together and lead a daily life before you get married, to work on a routine and find out how/if you can live together and share a life together. Love isn't everything.
And, you do run a high risk of mental health problems being passed on to your children. I don't know if you think they will not be passed on, or if you just meant that you've accepted they might. But studies show that mental health is inherited, however it is often a mix of genes and social setting. In addition, children who do have experiences and unstable upbringing have a higher risk of addictions. Which can be worked around and avoided, but there should be raised awareness.
My father is mentally ill, if I can put it like that. He doesn't have a proper diagnosis, but has been suggested to be both bipolar and have Asperges syndrome. In addition he is depressed. From growing up with him he has also shown all of the symptoms of paranoia, which is why I do not know if he has a diagnosis or not. His paranoid tendencies means he doesn't want to share any private information about himself out of fear that this will be used against him. He's never informed me much about his personal life. He's been dating women and meeting people, but never speaks of it until I happen to run into these people he's met, for example. He's VERY secretive.
I think the reason I have kept my own sanity is that we didn't live with our father, we only spent every other weekend/Christmas/half of summer etc. with him, and both me and my brother moved out from home early (both at 16), at which point we also cut down contact with our father dramatically. My brother no longer speaks to our father, because of my fathers mental health.
Then again, my father is a very negative energy to be around. You know your boyfriend, and every person with a mental health challenge is different. Your boyfriend might be a lovely person, contra to my father. I love my father. I just can't be around him. He did not have the mental capacity to be a father, he is very much an irresponsible child himself who has not had a steady job since before I was born, and doesn't have his own place to live either, but moves on average 2 times a year.
The only advice I can give you is to be practical. Do not live in a romantic fantasy about things. If you want marriage and children you need to find a partner who can do so and so much, handle this and that situation, be reliable, be responsible etc. No matter how lovely he is to hang out with, if he can not hold down a job he will make your life hard, and make it impossible to support children, buy a house, go on vacations etc. So be practical about it, be realistic about it. Take a look at your boyfriend and how he works in society, can he manage on his own? Can he take care of himself and someone around him? Does he take care of you, is he a good support to you? If you get sick or lose your job, can you rely on him for support?
Live together first, and take a few more years to think about this. If he proves to you that he can manage, then go for it. But if he can not manage daily life with it's stress and challenges, and keep a good relationship with you at the same time, then you must forget about marrying him.
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A
female
reader, bardia +, writes (5 October 2011):
 You're already ahead of the game with good insight on your situation. As someone with similar mental health issues also in a relationship with someone that has similar issues, it is a lot to consider before taking that leap. If he's getting treatment (medically AND counseling) and seems to be functioning well, then you should be fine. Can he currently hold a job on his own? If so, then it shouldn't be a problem. You might consider going with him to therapy from time to time. See how his psychiatrist thinks he's doing, too. That could really give you a good idea of where he is, mentally and emotionally. Grace and peace in your journey with this.
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A
female
reader, Aingealag  +, writes (5 October 2011):
 I know what it's like to be with someone with a mental disorder. My ex-boyfriend was a schizophrenic. He got depressed shortly after we got together. Things went from bad to worse and I tried to have a relationship with him. In total we were together for 3 years when I couldn't do it anymore... I was SO stressed and literally sick from it. He wasn't the same person anymore and I was in no state to make any sane decisions anymore. I can't know for sure if you guys could be happy long term, but I know that mental issues are really really hard to deal with. But of course each situation is different. And girl don't forget you're only in your early 20's! There is plenty of time to make a lifelong commitment. Just take it easy, go with the flow and follow your instincts. If I had done that, I wouldn't have let things go on the way they did for so long. Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2011): I'm reading between the lines and it sounds like what you're really asking is "is it OK for me to not marry my boyfriend because he has mental illness, or would that make me a horrible person because it's not his fault and he's trying his best?" am I correct?you do NOT have to marry him. Marriage is not an entitlement or a god given right. Marriage is also not a reward to be bestowed on someone for not having wronged you. And subsequently not marrying someone isn't to be seen as a punishment implying they are a bad person. Marriage status should not be used to judge a person's self worth (although it often is which is misguided and leads to all kinds of problems like on forums like these).look at it as a practical matter. what would daily life, day in and day out, year in and year out, look like realistically? you have a right to say you don't want that. you don't owe him a marriage just because his mental illness isn't his fault and he's trying.it's like saying should someone graduate from college - or get a law degree or medical degree - if they are trying very hard but are still not able to do what it takes? Do you give them the degree anyway (or even a job) because they are trying and they didn't do anything morally bad? that's not wise. Imagine if your doctor or surgeon got his degree and job only because someone felt that it would be cruel to break his heart by not giving it to him when he wanted it so much?? You can stay in your boyfriend's life without being married to him. It's not all or nothing. Think about what marriage entails. And realize it's for the rest of your life. that's a very long time.....it's better to not get married at all, than to get married and then have to get divorced later on because the marriage is breaking you down.
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