A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and i have recently had our 4 year anniverary, and i've known for 3 years that he watches porn, and it bugs me a lot. i have told him, and he just says its not a big deal and gets mad if i bring it up again. that is not the worst part. Recently i took a picture of him and went to delete it and i found a paid for download of porn.I asked him what it was and he just said it was a picture of his uncles daughter. well later that night when he fell asleep i looked at his phone turned the volume down and watched it. Yes, it was porn, so he lied. i just don't know what to do anymore, today when i got home i looked at his pone again and he deleted it. i feel hurt and rejected and i'm not sure what to do, if i confront him again he will tell me i'm over reacting and i need to calm down and f^^^ off, but if i don't this will always bug me!
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female
reader, person12345  +, writes (5 October 2011):
 "he just says its not a big deal"
He does not get to decide what is important to you. This is a bid deal to you and his flippant dismissal of it is absolutely not OK. Next time he says you're overreacting, give him these statistics:
More than 50% of divorces now cite porn as a major reason.
Almost 20% of porn users are addicted.
In the most repeated study on porn use done it was shown that, in essence, it really and truly does make your sex life worse and that almost all users I've met who quit noticed a massive improvement in their sex lives without having to do anything else.
I always recommend that couples dealing with this read through the book The Porn Trap together if you aren't able to do couples counseling. If that doesn't get any progress you have to issue an ultimatum. He stops looking at porn, for real, or you leave. And then you follow through with it.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 October 2011):
 His looking at porn is not a reflection ON YOU.
however IF you are one of those women who cannot and will not tolerate porn then the only thing you can do is leave.
IF you have told him how you feel and he can't abide by your guidelines, then there is a fundamental issue that cannot be resolved.
He does not see porn as a big deal (and many men do not) but you do.(many women do) YOU do not want any porn in the household or relationship and that's FINE as long as your man agrees. HE wants porn (and that's FINE as long as YOU accept it).
SINCE he wants porn and you do not, the fundamental aspects of the relationship do NOT mesh.
YOU need and want him to respect your wishes (as he should)
HE wants to look at porn and does not repsect your wishesor needs but knowing that you demand this action of him and he will not (or cannot) comply means that he will LIE to you because HE WANTS to make you happy.. but he also wants to make himself happy.
So you have these options:
1. end the relationship
2. accept that he is going to look at porn (as long as it is not negatively impacting on your life (i.e. work, home, sex life etc) and stay with him
or my least favorite option:
3. stay with him and continue to feel bad about this and fight with him about it and force him to lie to you....
...............................
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