A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My partner of 6 years and I recently split up. There were a couple of problems, sex (or lack of it) being a major cause of a lot of them. She wouldnt have sex with me for months at a time and I basically cracked and left her. We have had 3 kids in the last 6 years so that affected her sex drive but she admitted after we split that she went off sex because I was finishing too fast and leaving her frustrated. We never communicated much about sex and this made me angry that she wouldn't have said something to me before rather than damage our relationship. Anyway, we decided to give things another go and I have moved back in with her. I was hoping that we would communicate more and try to improve our lives together (including our love life). However, she says that she is depressed over a close relatives death some months ago and that sex is not on the agenda until she gets over it. I do believe she is depressed but she wont seek any help as she doesnt want to take any tablets. I am now sleeping on the sofa. She says she loves me and wants a future with me. She wants me to "wait until she is ready" for sex but has no idea of any timescale (might never even happen). I love her so much and just want to be close to her in every way that its driving me crazy. Im afraid that her "sex ban" will drive a permanent wedge in our relationship. It doesnt make any sense to me. I asked her if she wanted to just be friends and she said no. Im thinking of leaving again. She wasn't interested in sex before the death why should I believe that things will change in the future?
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (9 February 2007):
 I was so pleased to read that things are going well for you. With a lot of patience and understanding (from both sides) then you'll get on the right track again. Continue to talk to one another and BE there to LISTEN. Women love to talk, you may even need to draw her out but once she starts it will pour out. Just listen and let her get if all off her chest. Don't feel she needs you to "fix" it for her, she doesn't, all she wants is you to LISTEN. Tell her you understand and that you can understand why she was so down etc etc. That way she'll see she has you on her side and things will only get better.
I wish you both every happiness in your future and you know us aunts/uncles are only a keystroke away if you ever want to talk some more.
Eve
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI said to her yesterday that I was going to leave again because it wasnt right for our relationship that Im on the sofa. We talked for hours about everything and although we had talked quite a bit before it felt like she was really opening up to me this time. She said that she didnt want me on the sofa. I told her that I needed to feel wanted and needed her to show me that she still loved me (and that didnt neccesarily mean sex). Dont forget that we had separated for a couple of weeks and I had been living in my brothers spare room. I had been back home for 10 days and it was just the same as before. I really thought at times that I had lost her forever and that she didnt love me anymore. Anyway, last night we watched a film in bed and she put her arm around me. Then her leg. I wont elaborate but we melted into each other and it was amazing. I was surprised and worried about her motivation but she said it just felt right. We both said that we feel far closer to each other now and we will be working hard on our communication with each other and also talk about our love life. I am so happy!! This time yesterday I was at the bottom, angry and depressed. Now I know that things will work out. Some of the stories on here are really depressing so I just thought I'd share this bit of sunlight with y'all. Thanks for your answers.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2007): I wasn't going to reply but you asked for a male perspective so here goes, I think the other aunts have given really good advice. I think doing "little" things such as helping around the house, cooking meals, doing more with the children are all things that may help in this situation.
Also the issue about how she is taking this relatives death. It could be that there are some unresolved issues connected to this person? Could this be true? Sometimes a death can completely crush a person and they need more professional help to put them in the right direction - I'm not talking serious therapy here, just some counseling from someone who is trained to deal with that kind of trauma.
I think also the sleeping on the sofa thing where she asks you what's wrong and you think "I'm obviously heartbroken, depressed and angry" well, people on the receiving end of rejection (which is what you have done by sleeping elsewhere) tend to reject back and put distance between you, it is their way of protecting themselves. You need to make less assumptions of how obvious you actions seem to be are and instead say something like "I feel rejected when this happens - I don't want to sleep on the sofa - I want to sleep in the same bed as you - I didn't know how to react - what do you want me to?" you need to kind of both speak out loud that you actually want certain things. Start with both agreeing you want so sleep in the same bed, and later on agree that you want to work at fixing the other things that make you both unhappy. Once you know you both want to sleep in the same bed, you won't get up and sleep on the sofa - because it just wouldn't make any sense any more.
If your wife seemed upset that you decided to sleep in another room then I think that is a big thing to show she does want to be with you and that she loves you. It is when your wife no longer wants to sleep in the same room - or live in the same house - that you know that she no longer wants to love you any more.
Perhaps there is more to what is going on in her life, she sounds depressed and the death has made this worse. I think if you leave her again, I think you will probably end things for good. Is she the same age as you? three children is a lot. How is her confidence? I am betting she probably feels ugly and has no self-confidence. Women who lack this often have no desire for sex and the more their partner "asks" for it, the more it becomes an act to pleasure them, and is no longer an act of love.
I think you guys need professional counselling for this to be saved. But before suggesting this I would try on the suggestions that have been made on this page. If they work and you both feel like there is hope you will both want to give counseling a try. All the best.
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (8 February 2007):
 Sounds like your poor wife has had quite a rough time recently. I understand her wanting to avoid tablets since I've been trying to get the doctor off my back about taking them for years, but what about bereavement counselling? Or maybe you could suggest she talks to you about it? That would strengthen your relationship. As far as the no sex goes I think you need to trust her when she says she's not ready yet. She's had a horrible time recently and whereas sex might make it worse for her, a few weeks without it won't kill you.
CD
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI cant bring back her relative but her actions now are really hurting me. I get so angry at times that Im afraid I'll end up hating her. I dont understand how she can expect me to pretend everything is OK. Its not as if her relative died yesterday. I understand a bit about grief and I know that there is a "shock" period but this is something else. Why would she jeopardise our relationship if she is already depressed instead of causing me pain, depression and resentment? I dont see how a man and women who both claim to love each other can have a healthly and loving relationship without sex. To me, its the purest way to express love and closeness. I sleep on the sofa and then she asks me the next day what is wrong when Im obviously heartbroken, depressed and angry. Id love to hear a male perspective on this.
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A
female
reader, here_2_help +, writes (8 February 2007):
 hiya,
i know you have needs and i know how hard it is for you but you neeed to be there for her. she has let you back in her life that means she wants you and no matter what she is your wife and there is love there because love like what you have in marrage never dies. hope this helps xx
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (8 February 2007):
I would be there for your wife just now. Why don't you make enquiries about a grievance counsellor then ask her to go, tell her you'll go with her if it helps. They will help her deal with her pain so she can move on again with her life.
In the meantime I would try to be patient with her. You asked her does she just want to remain friends with you and she said no, she does want more. Talk to her and try and get her to open up more about her feelings. You might find there is more locked inside of her that she wants to let out.
Relationships need to be worked at. Don't give up, build up her confidence again and move back into the marital bed, even if it's only to cuddle one another, you're still there for her. I'm sure with time she'll come round love, you just need to be patient.
Eve
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