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female
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anonymous
writes: I am writing this because I am at the end of my patience with a realtationship. When we met I was overwelmed by the love and happyness in the realtionship and after 3 years togther we have got a lovely house and we often talk about getting married in the near future.Last night was an example of why I don't know whether to stay in this relationship or not and is quite a common occurance. We had arranged to watch a video and get a take-away and spend a quiet night in but after work he decided to go for a few drinks in the pub, which I am fine with. The only problem is that when he does this he usually gets in at 2/3/4 am the next morning and I am left waiting for him to come in. I have explained that it really annoys me that I end up sitting and waiting for him and he says he can't help it because once he gets in the pub he cant help staying there, and this is just what he is like.As much as I know he loves me and is not afraid of committing himself to me, I am worried that if I stay with him and we have children I will just be left at home while this type of behaviour carries on.I really don't know what to do, please help ! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, lilmishap  +, writes (21 December 2012):
you claim to be confident that he wants to commit. Where did this misplaced confidence appear from?. He is NOT commited to anything but his own enjoyment.
You have told him his behaviour leaves you feeling aggrieved. He responded with the (laughable) claim 'I cant help it'.
He can. He can NOT go to the pub. He has stood you up, not because of unforeseen circumstances, but because he doesn't see you as worthy of his leaving the pub where he is with his mates and beer. So what if you're waiting. Its not important to him.
He is telling you loud and clear where you are on his list of priorities. Maybe its time to listen.
The hard truth is if you left tomorrow, his life would remain as it is now. Except it wouldn't be hurting you any more
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2005): Hi, I hope it's not too late to reply.
Babe don't do it!! I'm serious, If you have expressed how you feel and he hasn't changed then darling he isn't ready. You will be just like me. Known my hubby for 10 yrs,married for 7yrs, have two wonderful children 3yrs and 6 months and guess what????nothing has changed,in fact it got worse. He eventually dropped his pubs and drinking habits, and picked up gambling, got rid of this one and picked up the worst of all addiction to meth.
your man may not have such a low self esteem issue,but i'm just warning you babes. My man is wonderful, loving and caring and SELFISH all at the one time. His actions cause a domino effect on me and the kids, it's not fair. I have now put my foot down and am living alone with the kids and aksed him to leave, but you are so lucky because you can do this now with no kids, your emotional and mental issues can be delt with whereas mine need to be focused on the little ones and forcely puched aside.
All these habits didn't happen over night, they crept up on me like little mice, so if you feel any sense of insecurity listen to what it is saying, i ignored mine but please believe in yourself and give him an altimatum....
Goodluck 5 xxxx
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A
female
reader, beenthere +, writes (7 November 2005):
i thought my bf was annoying coming in from the pub at 9.30pm. your bf is obviously not prepared to spend time with you so he doesn't deserve you at all. live your own life. go out when you want. see how he likes it.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (6 November 2005):
 You can bet the farm that if you marry him, you'll have a lot of free evenings at home. Your call, but I say dump him and look for someone who wants to spend time with YOU.
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (5 November 2005):
 One aspect about marriage that surprises some people (I wish I knew why) is that getting married doesn't change a person from one thing into another. A player doesn't necessarily reform into a one-woman man. A slob doesn't suddenly morph into a neat-freak. Fire-breathers don't mellow into tranquillity... *just* because they get married.
In fact, if anything, marriage emphasises people's natural characteristics even more, because they put their guard down and start acting more like themselves over time.
Therefore, I feel confident in confirming your suspicions about your boyfriend. Yes, if you stay with him and have kids together, he will continue to go to the pub and stay out until the wee hours - because that's who he is and that's his routine. And so far, you've accepted that. So, why would he suddenly change?
The only way his habits will change is if you explain to him in a reasonable tone that you find his late nights are becoming a problem, and if you collectively work on a solution WELL BEFORE you two start to think about marching down the aisle together.
From here, it looks like there are two problems. One is that he's taking you rather for granted. After all, you'd expected that he'd spend the evening with you, and he dumped that idea in favour of time at the pub with his friends. This is the first issue you need to address. You may be choosing not to go out with him on these excursions (your choice, and FWIW, I'd choose the same), but you also need to recognise that this is obviously a big part of his social calendar, enough that he'd risk hurting your feelings to see those friends and have a few drinks.
I don't buy the "I can't help it" line, personally. Yes, he CAN help it. He's not chained to the seat; he can come back any time he wants to. But he's making a choice to stay with them, even though he knows you're waiting.
That doesn't make him a bad person, but it points to the sorts of choices that he makes. You need to recognise that he tends to give his friends' needs prominence over yours.
The second problem is really just linked to that overall paradigm. He stays out into the wee hours because he'd rather be with them than you. Now, I'm not trying to wind you up over this issue and make him out to be some sort of heartless ogre; however, I do want to give you a slightly different perspective on it. Another way to put it might be, he counts on you waiting for him, so he feels he can assume you'll still be there whenever he gets back.
What you do next is communicate your feelings on these issues to him. You need to tell him that you're fine with his visits to the pub, but it's only fair to you that he come home at whatever time the two of your can compromise on. His staying out, night after night until 3 or 4am isn't fair to you.
You also need to discuss his blowing you off for social time with his friends, because no matter how you look at it, it's pretty selfish to make arrangements with you, then shrug them off for a "better offer".
Talk is the key to resolving this. He's probably unaware he's doing these things, or maybe he is, but gets the feeling that you don't care that he is because you've never said anything about it.
If you don't say something now and try to reach a compromise, you can look forward to this as your regular routine, effectively forever (or until you get tired of it and walk away).
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