A
female
age
36-40,
*anpopo
writes:so i've been dating a new guy since my last relationship ended horribly. he's wonderful- older than me by a few years but he cares for me and shows it very often. we've been together for about 4 months- i have issues with trust and he has been helping me through them for the most part though i do get that i am really bothered by a lot more than i should be. i have lived on the east coast in the same house for my entire life and he has recently asked me to move with him to the west coast and i believe in my heart that he is worth leaving all of what i know behind to create a new chapter. i cannot do this easily on my own however he is finding all kinds of ways to help me. we both agree it is scary how quickly the both of us became important to one another and how we are both still discovering how much we care for the other. i honestly believe that i am falling in love with him, if i am not already in love with him. he has told me that he's still finding out how much he loves me but is afraid that it won't be an "in love". i want this greatly, he says that he thinks this could be it, that i am the one he wants to eventually marry. i feel that a major factor of my recent depression is not being necessarily sure of how he feels for me. i feel that on some level i need to hear the words "i love you" come from him but when we first started dating i told him that it is up to him to say it first. he has brought up patience on two occasions but i feel my heart screaming it out when he's around me sometimes. (we're together a lot but it's not always). i guess my real question is what does it seem like to you guys? i'm really not sure what to think... knowing he is unsure of himself and whether or not it will be an "in love" bothers me and makes me wonder. even though it's only been 4 months does this worry on his part mean it won't be an "in love"? we've both been hurt before on a very big level so we know how it feels to be the one in love and unrequited so we both pull back but i feel that i'm more willing to go all in with no reservations than he is. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, tanpopo +, writes (31 December 2008):
tanpopo is verified as being by the original poster of the question he is moving for work, technically. he's military. but he had brought up the prospect before. with his work situation he'll be allowed to live anywhere and was talking about staying around here with me and then when the option arose he mentioned it to me. when i've said "what if i can't come with you" all he said to me was "then i'll have to make a way for you to come". we won't be leaving until april or around there (give or take i would guess a month) but that's still not far away.
i do think that testing something that way is in a way useless. i think that i have too ideal a view of love and the way it should be but i know my feelings would be just as strong- i'm pretty sure with him but not completely. though i blame that partly to my most recent ex. it was only 5 or 6 months ago now that i had a really bad breakup and i do struggle with depression so that doesn't help.
i will probably talk to him about it though, and see what he thinks. we haven't really talked about where we would each live, whether it be in the same house/apartment or whatever. so we do need to.
A
female
reader, tanpopo +, writes (31 December 2008):
tanpopo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe's technically moving for work. we wouldn't be moving until april or soon thereafter to be honest. it's not like he's moving next week and wants me to come with right now. he had already brought up the prospect of moving months ago, though. at first he brought it up as a "would you come with me?" there are a lot of details with it but originally he was talking about this new job set as a way he could stay out here to stay close to me. he's military and will be switching branches is about the jist of it.
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A
male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (31 December 2008):
 I get good vibes from what you've said here... and I can also see that since both of you have been burned in the past, both of you are taking cautious steps... this is all good, but don't let your past fears limit your future happiness! Moving 3000+ miles could be the greatest thing for you... or it could be the worst... there's really no telling...
But, a thought did come to mind -- is he moving for a new job? Is it possible that you move to a more long-distance relationship for the next few months and see if you two are still as strongly (or even more so) attached to each other? If so, then move in a few month's time rather than immediately. If anything, this is a page from my own history... this is something that I wish I had done when I made the move from New York to Arizona... I wish I had not taken my girlfriend with me because we were not ready to live together. It was too big a step too quickly in our relationship.
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A
female
reader, tanpopo +, writes (31 December 2008):
tanpopo is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni also do want to mention that when we first got together, for at least the first month we were always about equal when it came to getting in contact with each other and now i constantly feel like i'm the one making contact with him. i do suffer with depression and he has told me he feels like he's been on damage control a bit more often lately. last night we had a very long discussion about how much he cares and wants this to work and to last and then told me his worries about himself.
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A
female
reader, katatonik +, writes (31 December 2008):
 I think it's better that he's been honest with you about his doubts than if he came out and said it early on, and didn't mean it. Four months is not that long...give him time to sort out his feelings. He obviously cares for you very deeply if he is this honest and straightforward with you, and if he has asked you to move in with him. That in itself is a pretty big step, as well as a sign of commitment. Don't rush him on this and I think he will pleasantly surprise you. Good luck =]
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