A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:This past weekend, I was at an annual camping trip with a bunch of friends. We have been going for a very long time -- our kids all use to come but many of them have grown up now. There are about 30 of us. I still attend although I am single now. Many of us have been friends since we were 16 years old -- I'm 47 now. There is one particular friend who is very close to my heart -- He is sweet and we have always had a great time together - let's call him Jessie. A couple of years ago at this same camping trip, we ended up at his site having a drink together and he told me that he had loved me since we were kids -- and that we should have been together all the while and that he regretted that he didn't speak up at the time. He is married and has a 17 and 14 year old and I know they have been struggling with some pretty intense issues lately. His wife is my friend as well -- although I don't feel like a very good friend to her after this past weekend. I made it very clear to Jessie that I have always had a soft spot for him but felt like he was my brother AND I loved his wife -- as he does. He still would attempt to get me alone and a couple of times has tried to kiss me and I would shut him down - telling him that there was no way that that was going to happen. Now this year, his wife didn't come until the next day -- she had taken their daughter to a concert. We both drank WAY too much and ended up making out. We didn't have sex but in my mind, we didn't have to - there was very passionate kissing and some groping going on. I feel completely ill -- this is the furthest thing from my character. I have been very lonely lately and feel very vulnerable but still take full responsibility for my actions. I do not want to lose either of their friendships and I certainly don't think that there is a need to ruin their marriage over it - so I don't want to tell her. I do love the man but not like that - and I would never be the "other woman". How can I ever forgive myself for this?
View related questions:
kissing Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI truly do appreciate this feedback.......I actually relaxed a little today......especially after reading these. Thank you for that. I have been out of my marriage for almost five years now and have had two relationships since then. The last one was over almost a year ago -- the last thing I was looking for was a relationship right now and certainly not one where I was the other woman. It's against everything I believe in and you helped me realize that it was a BIG BAD MISTAKE and that I'm not the only one to blame -- it's not that I'm a bad person -- I know I'm not. And I was actually able to get mad at him today because he has been the instigator in all of this. I had a moment of weakness when I was drinking -- he has been pursuing this for so long now. I'm mad at HIM for ruining our friendship AND for cheating on his wife -- not to mention taking advantage of me and the situation. That's not to say that I don't hold responsibility for these actions. It's just not SOLE responsibility.Thank you for helping me to realize that. You both rock!
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (18 June 2013):
 It is true that a lot of married men will try it on, with single women because they see them as a safe opportunity to get a thrill and some sex on the side.
I think you can build on these shameful feelings you have and turn them into something very positive. You obviously want to have someone special in your life and dammit...you deserve it, so make that your goal. Join a dating site and enjoy the excitement that comes from meeting new people and just see what happens. If you are busy dating single available men, you simply wont have time to mess around with this guy again.
Focus on YOU and what YOU want and what the end game is...it's happiness right?...it's the love of a good man...right?...so get yourself on the right path...don't be idle with your looks or your figure, do your best to build yourself up and your confidence will soar!!
This 'misdemeanour...a-hem' shall we call it will teach you a very important lesson...You are not THAT woman...the one who puts herself in temptations way...no sister, you got other goals to achieve, so stop fretting, accept it was wrong and get yourself on a new path...
We will be rooting for ya xxxxxxxxxxx
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (18 June 2013):
 If you really mean what you said, then the very fact that you're hard on yourself will help you here. It's the feeling that you're experiencing now that will protect you.
Everyone makes mistakes. The good people learn from them. You messed up, but no one's going to fit you with a scarlet letter any time soon.
People's husbands come onto you because of opportunity and boredom. It's easy to go look for excitement outside of a marriage. It's hard to nourish a marriage for the long run. I'm also guessing that most of your friends are married or involved as well, so it's mostly all about location and context. You were married, and now you're single.
You won't always be where you are now in life. It's quite possible that by sidestepping this landmine, you open your life to the possibility of serious happiness in the near future. Just hang in there.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank you both, YOUWISH and AUNTYEM for your answers. It's been very helpful to me.I know the difference between guilt - guilt being the feeling of doing something you regret and shame - being the feeling that you are a horrible person -- and this is definitely shame. THERE IS NO WAY I will EVER let this happen again. I will NEVER be alone with Jessie EVER. I'm having a very hard time sleeping and eating -- I just can't believe that I betrayed not only my friend but myself and my morals and my beliefs. And the thought of what is at risk of losing if anyone ever finds out is just earth shattering for me -- and I know, I should have thought about that before I let this happened. I've been on the other side of the "other woman" and I know what it feels like and to think that I have done that to someone else makes me feel like such a terrible terrible person.As for Jessie, I've never wanted a relationship with him more than what we had nor would I want one with him if he left his wife. If that were to happen, there would be no way we would be together -- not only because we don't have things in common on an intimate level but mainly because I can't ever be with someone who would cheat on his wife. This isn't the first time someone's husband has come on to me and it really makes me wonder two things -- am I emitting some sort of message that that's what I want (and it DEFINITELY is not) or are these guys simply assholes that think because I'm single, it's ok? I HAVE NEVER had a problem saying no to them in the past and will continue to do so if EVER anything like this ever happens again. I just have to try to get over this. I feel truly debilitated.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 June 2013):
Okay, I *have* to say something else here.
While most of Atsweet1's post made me want to launch my laptop out the window, there is one thing she said that actually was true, and as soon as I take some migraine medicine and yank the ice picks I reflexively stabbed into my eyes, I'll elaborate:
"But anyway dont feel you are breaking them up is my main point. You just happen to be involved in some drama way beyond you really."
THIS is true. But let's look at this for a second. He is married. Not only that, but he's married to a woman that you have considered a friend. In fact, you said you "loved his wife" as he does. That's a pretty strong statement, and one that invokes the feelings of fury towards someone who would do her harm.
That's partly the reason you're feeling ill. You just caused great harm and damage to someone you say you love -- his wife. But let me take it up a step further.
HE caused her the most harm. Remember, he dedicated his life and love to her. He pronounced it at the marriage altar, and his physical expression of that love produced two kids who call them Mom and Dad. Two years ago, this slime tells you he loves you and should have married you all along, pretty much saying that he wishes his kids had never been born, and that the sacrifice of his wife who gave the best years of her life to him means nothing to him. Remember, he's saying this about a woman you SAY you love! A friend!
Now, you are an accessory to that betrayal to this woman. But take note, this man you decided to get drunk and make out with...watch how he treated her. Behind her back, he betrays her. Behind her back, he lives a lie. He's crying out love during orgasm with her, but spitting it back in her face with you. You better take note right now -- THIS is how he treats those he loves when the lights go back on and he sobers up.
You should feel ill -- you destroyed your friendship with both of them. Every time you see her, you'll remember what you did, and I hope it shatters you into doing what's right by her and leaving him alone forever. But more than that, you should feel OUTRAGE that this dog of a husband can...FOR YEARS....take her so much for granted that he spends years wishing he could be rid of her.
But here's the real thing here -- a cheater's words are WORTHLESS. I guarantee you that if his wife were to find out what happened, and ESPECIALLY if you make the horrid mistake of continuing any sort of relationship with him, his whole "I should have been with you" speech from two years ago will sound much different when she catches him. After he's done lying his head off and she corners him into not being able to deny it any further, It'll go something like this:
"She came onto me."
"We were too drunk, it was a mistake"
"It was just sex, it meant nothing"
"She means nothing to me. I only love you"
"Can we work things out? You're the love of my life, and I regret letting her have sex with me"
"I love you. I never loved her."
"You are the mother of my children. How would I leave her for some cheap sex on the side?"
"Say the word, and I will never speak to her again".
THAT is your future. He's married with children. When he stops thinking with his penis, he'll have to deal with the look in his two kids' eyes when they realize what he did to their mom AND him. One thing that's true -- HE is the homewrecker. You are the accomplice.
What on earth kind of trust could you possibly establish with a cheater? None at all! If you think you're vulnerable and lonely now, wait until you're discarded and feeling cheap! Lonely will be an understatement.
He pursued you for two years, and trust me, a man's attentions are intoxicating whether you liked him or not. But what is NOT intoxicating is when he uses you and tosses you. What's not intoxicating is being someone's dirty little secret. What's not intoxicating is the sheer shattering of the heart of his wife when she finds out, and the spew that will come out of his mouth about you when he tries to put his marriage back together again as if you mean nothing.
...............................
A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (18 June 2013):
 Forgive yourself seriously two grown adults consented to having a connection and making out. You both enjoyed and liked it. You should not feel to ill cause he is after you. His marriage is perphaps over from the start. Some people are married for show. Not cause of true love but more so for business. He knows you want be the other women and will leave if you be with him. I know this sounds bad but when people see what they want then they will do what they need to do to get it. You know how many women and men leave unhappy marriages to live happily ever after with a supposed mistress or lover. People outgrow each other thats a part if life. He is and will leave cause he chooses to not cause you was a home wrecker. Times is up and its time to move on. Its most likely a one sided marriage anyway and you probably saving the rest if his life so make the best of it. But you are not interested cause you feel your slighting the other person. Also one time or two rather I was in a similar not exact situation and one time the person wanted to be with me and the latter didn't. That was not the deciding effect of my decison to leave. I didnt care if the persons wanted me or not I was ending a bad marriage before it kill me cause it was very very stressful and one sided based on lies manipulations. It includes age difference hero key game. (a psychological mind game plenty of co dependence selfishness plus dysfunction. Abuse verbal , mental,sexualphysical plus neglect in finances proper health care cancer stds and plenty of games with motives of switching gender roles. Abuse of alcohol drugs it was a real big game of power and control against a old man and a young girl that became a young lady to a women wife and mother. I started to lose myself not do for me I was unhappy all the time. This is regardless of my past trauma as well he liked to throw into the blame. When he had issues as well to find out the kind of porn he enjoyed and that he only wanted to get high and hide the fact he was a jealous gay or bi man with skeletons in his closet and family as well. But anyway dont feel you are breaking them up is my main point. You just happen to be involved in some drama way beyond you really. Also if its out of your character the script will change to what you want it to so it can properly go with the leading Lady character or the character you so choose to create be and perform and put into action.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (18 June 2013):
I agree with YOUWISH and I think she has completely nailed the answer you need!
Pandora's box is open and I am sorry to say, the friendship with him and his wife is OVER!!...you must accept that unless you want to unleash hell on your life.
If your words are true about feeling so bad then you need to do as YOUWISH has said and break contact and lay very low. Messing with married people is a whole world of pain and as the SINGLE woman, you will be blamed if it all comes out and your camping friends?...forget it!, because none of those women will feel comfortable about you being round any of their husbands and partners!!
He will continue to pursue you because he wants to get to second base...and when he has, he's going to go running back to his wife and you will be kleenex!!
If you want to preserve your dignity and your sanity and keep a grip on your life, there is only one thing to do...stay completely away and never speak to that guy again!
Good luck and stay strong!
Em x
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 June 2013):
You can forgive yourself by telling yourself and him that it was a big mistake and that it will *never* happen again. Tell him that if he attempts to touch or kiss you again, you will inform his wife, and that you will never become involved in any capacity whatsoever with a married man.
You also need to actively avoid him. This means no drinking with him alone. No being in a room or car alone with him. If his wife isn't there, you avoid him, and if he asks what's wrong, tell him bluntly that you're ensuring that mistakes are never repeated.
As far as losing his friendship, it's done. The moment you go all "weak sister" and try to keep a friendship with him or worry about making him feel bad, you'll be sucking face and having sex with him in no time flat. The moment you say "but I don't want to hurt his feelings", you might as well undress and spread your legs right then and there. I'm being blunt because I have serious doubts about whether or not you really are ill about it and whether you'll truly do what it takes to never let that happen again.
If you truly don't want to be the "other woman", then the friendship is DONE. You have to go icy to him, especially at first and ESPECIALLY if you have emotional vulnerabilities, or he'll exploit it and all your guilty feelings will be as worthless as his marriage vows to his wife are.
He is *not* your friend. A friend doesn't take advantage like that. You have never been platonic friends with him. He has wanted sex with you for a long time, and just because no sex had taken place doesn't make the relationship platonic. Platonic means "no feelings". He's got them, and he's in pursuit mode.
He must be dead to you now, or you're done. The moment you got drunk and made out with him, you set it in motion and only extreme measures will stop it. Play with him now, pretend that you can restore a friendship, and you're already the other woman. An emotional affair is worse than a physical one. Don't f*** around here. End all contact. End all feelings. End all allowing him into your personal space. Don't drink around him. Don't let him compliment you. Don't indulge the whole "i'm lonely and he makes me feel good" trap.
Finally, start dating if you're lonely! Date a SINGLE guy! If there's a vulnerability, then do something about it!
...............................
|
