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female
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*roubled wife
writes: My family want nothing to do with my husband and he wants nothing to do with them. I am stuck in the middle.The problem is I am 7 mths pregnant with my first child and once the baby is born he doesn't want the baby to go round to my parents house, and my parents do not want to see my husband at all - This is going to cause so many problems between everyone when all want to see the baby. This rivalry started when we first met and has been on going ever since. At first my family tolerated him but didn't really make the effort so he never really made an effort either but they did speak and talk. Until my mums 50th birthday party when my husband and sister started to argue and some home truths were said, it all kicked off and now my husband is not welcome at my parents house. My whole family no want nothing to do with him my parents have stopped my little brother from being able to stay at our house as they do not want him to be anywhere near him and they do not want to have anything to do with him. My husband is not the most understanding of people and I still see my family but don't stay for any longer than about 20mins at a time and if I tell him all of this he will then I know he will say "well if they want nothing to do with me then I don't want the baby to have anything to do with them because the baby is mine"Petty I know but I really don't know how to handle this situation. Please could I have some advise. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, ladybaby +, writes (14 March 2006):
Time for a few home truths for yourself. It seems to me that your feelings have been completely ignored by everyone in their little point-scoring competition.
Speak to your husband, tell him how all this bad feeling is affecting you. How you need his support as well as your family's. Tell him it would mean a lot for you if he would be the bigger man and stop all this petty game-playing. Tell him your child will have contact with your family, but it would be nicer if he could give you his blessing.
Then speak to your family - individually maybe would be the best and tell them how you want them to be part of the child's life, but they have to accept your choice and if not for the sake of your child make an effort to be civil to your husband.
Tell them (husband and family) that you are so upset and worried about the whole situation, you have actually sought impartial advice because you're at the end of your tether and don't know what to do next. Tell them that as they love you, the last thing they would want to see is you upset and on edge and make your child live in an uncomfortable atmosphere.
If they are reasonable adults, they should see your point and if they all started making small babysteps, then maybe together you can all get somewhere.
A
female
reader, Aunt Audrey  +, writes (14 March 2006):
 This is a tricky one, simply because you are torn between the love of your family and the love for your husband.
Have you explained to your husband how much this is hurting you?
I think you should try and explain to your family that ultimately when the baby is born you would like a united front so you are not forced into a decision that may result in them not having contact with your child.
They don't have to like your husband, but if they were a little more tolerant maybe thing could improve enough for you all to get along for the sake of the child.
Only your family can decide what is more important, thier views on your husband or having some involvement in your family life.
They should respect your choice in partner, and realise that you are being put in a very difficult situation.
Honesty and communication is the answer here, and you should make more of an effort to spend a little more time with your family, if they think you are staying away because of your husband feelings towards them they will think he is trying to control you and will resent him even more.
You have to dig your heels in here and stand up for what you believe to be the right thing to do.
Ask your family if they have thought about the future and how you will handle birthday parties and special occasions when you would like everyone to be together.If the situation remains unresolved your husband will probably want to exclude them so your child does not sense the animosity between them. If not nipped in the bud these arguments could carry on for years.
If after speaking to your family about this they do not change thier attitude, at least you know you did your best to resolve the situation and thier loss of conact with your child will be of thier own doing in the long run.
As long as you tackle this sensitively I'm sure that once the baby is born it will all be water under the bridge.
Your husband will also have to be convinced that letting by-gones be by-gones is a move in the right direction. You have too much to be thankful for in the forthcoming birth of your child to let this situation deter you both from enjoying what should be a magical time for you all.
I wish you luck and hope all involved see how distressing this is for you, and change thier attitude in time for the birth of your first child.
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