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female
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anonymous
writes:ok im turmoil here :( Im seeing my bf, we both in love, making future plans together ect... thing is im lying to him. Im still a virgin! even tho i've told him im not. Infact im lying to everyone about this, im like the 40 yr old virgin. i hate it, but i cannot tell anyone you may not think this is so bad, but believe me it is. Im in my mid 30s and hes only late 20's and very experienced in that department. He knows somethings up cos i keep him shut out ect..this upsets him. so stupidly I told him il open up to him when he gets back, but i cant. I know hes understanding and wont love me any less or leave me but its about how im gonna look and feel Im a proud person, ill look a prat and ill never be able to look him in the eye again which then means i will have to dump him and do what ive always done which is run :( ive tried to have sex previously and i couldnt it hurt and i made the fatal mistake in telling an ex about my virginity who threatened to tell my mum and friends ect... he made me feel ashamed of it and said im a useless gf cos i cant have sex. I dont care about this ex but its what he said that sticks with me, especially when i am the only one who seems to be like this. Also its not something i can go see a doctor about, im not going to embarrass myself like that. I hate the fact im not a normal woman this really upsets me :( Im sorry to write so much x
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2009): Why do women think sexual inexperience is a BAD thing?
Lots of men would kill for an inexperienced partner at your age.
It's only a bad thing when you're talking to 21yo frat guys tryuing to get in your pants for the night.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2009): Hey friend....no need to feel embarassed about it. This is a condition which is familiar with the gynaecologists. I suggest you see one. Why torment yourself when help is available :-) I am a doctor myself. Yes, you need not be tormented about it anymore. And yes, you may discuss it with your boyfriend, if you are emotionally close with him. If his actions show he cares, he won't hurt you :-)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've thought about using a dildo but i couldnt bring myself to do it, i bought a vibrator once got it near there, then i freaked decided not to, put it back in its box before throwing it out afew months later. i guess the male anon reader is onto something when he says im scared of vaginal pain, i am! anythin penetretive 'down there' makes me think pain. geeeez this upsets sooooo much :(
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys, ! think i need explain further as maybe I didnt do so well enough earlier. I am still a virgin as no penetration was even possible. And when i have tried recently i felt a sharp pain. :(
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female
reader, Msblessed  +, writes (27 August 2009):
 You should be honest and just tell him everything you just wrote. If he loves you he'll understand, but lying to him isn't helping you and it's not doing anyone any good.
Plus you really aren't a virgin since you said you tried to have sex and it hurt.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009): any answers that say you should lie... ignore them! the answer to this problem is simpe; tell him the truth. explain why you lied and if he is a decent guy, he will try his best to understand you and he wont mind that you arent that experienced. its things like this that can prove just how much you can trust someone. believe me, lying more will only make things worse. hop this helps. AAJ.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009): Hmmmm... I find it odd that you say you tried to have sex and it hurt. It sounds to me like you had sex. You are not a virgin.It seems like you might have a fear of vaginal pain during intercourse from your prior experience. An old girlfriend was like that with me for I was her first. I gave her an orgasm orally before we tried to have intercourse for the first time, so I knew she was ready. She was good and wet when we started too. But as I penetrated her she felt pain, so I pulled out. The next day we tried again. Exact same process, she orgasmed and was ready to go, but it was painful again. Again she was very wet, so lubrication wasn't the issue.We stayed with oral sex for about 6 months and then one day it worked, no pain and she enjoyed the intercourse immensely. As I recall the orgasm she go through penetration not only made her shudder like she hadn't done with oral sex, it brought her to tears of joy. I think part of the tears was the relief of being able to have pain free sex like "normal" girls. She often cried after sex, but the good kind of tears.I asked her what was different. She showed me a vibrating dildo that she started using to stretch her out a little bit at a time. Because she could use it at her own pace, in a relaxed, stress free enviornment she was able to get accustomed to bein gpenetrated.That worked for her and you might want to try that to see if that eases your mind over intercourse.Good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009): Sorry girlfriend, but what you said makes no sense. You said that you tried to have sex before and it hurt?? Well honey if you tried to have sex before and it hurt, then you had sex.If a man's penis entered your vagina and you experienced pain... sorry you cannot call yourself a virgin. If a guy gave you oral, then you are not a virgin. If you gave a guy oral, then you are not a virgin. If you had any kind of sexual experience with another person, then you are not a virgin. Just because a guy doesn't cum inside you doesn't mean you are still a virgin.Would you say that a sexually active lesbian who never had sex with a man is still a virgin?Ask former US President Bill Clinton about what constitutes sexual relations. He got it wrong, but 99% of people knew otherwise. When Monica Lewinski gave President Clinton oral, they had SEX! BUZZZZ News report.. Monica was not a virgin after that encounter! And probably not before either.Have you ever stroked a man's penis? If you touched his sexual organ, then you had sexual relations. Hence not a virgin.Okay... so what else have you done sexually that you think makes you eligible to wear the "virgin" moniker?Sorry, but you haven't lied to your boyfriend if you tried to have sex and it did not work out. You are not a virgin.I hope you can now relax. All the best!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009): Ok ughhh this is the cleanest way I can put this. Tell him you havent had alot of sex. And before hand use a small dildo/vibrator or use it during foreplay. Thats the best i can do.
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female
reader, karasu10 +, writes (27 August 2009):
 first of all, there is no problem with being a virgin! even at your age. it's perfectly normal. you should wait until you're ready. personally i lost my viginity when i was 16 and i really wish i waited. as for your situation, you should sit him down and tell him the truth. before he gets upset, explain to him why you lied, and explain to him how you feel about sex and your experiences. there are plenty of people out there with those feelings. there are even people who go their whole life without sex because they're so scared of it.if you dont want to do something then you dont have to. if the guy doesnt stick around after you telling him this, then hes not worth it or your virginity.dont leave him until you find out what he's going to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009): Not having had sex yet doesn't make you abnormal, you sound perfectly normal to me in the way you write. Plus, if you think being a virgin at that age is abnormal, then you are wrong, there are probably thousands of people who haven't lost their virginity by their 30's and later. You only have to search on this website to see that many other people have been/are in your shoes.
I'm not sure why you lied in the first place, but I can think of a few reasons, this must be a lie that has been carrying on for years. When you first opened up to your ex, who you thought you could finally be yourself with, it backfired and put you down to make you feel like being a virgin is something to be ashamed of, rather than proud of, or even a balance of something in between. Sounds like he cared and only cared about his sexual needs and what he was getting out of the relationship, rather than being understanding and caring about how you feel.
Obviously, this has taken a huge knock out of being able to open to people, but I think when he does get back you need to talk to him and tell him, because right now he may be thinking you don't want him at all. (in every sense of the word). Okay, he might think that lying is wrong, but if he loves you and cares about you, he will most likely accept that, and be glad of having the chance to be your first - that is, if you do feel comfortable and ready enough to have sex with him. Not every guy will be an A***hole like your ex, don't let this bad experience put you off being able to have a sexual relationship with someone.
Perhaps you shouldn't have lied, but maybe now is the time to come clean, if not to friends and family, then him at least. If the worst does happen and he doesn't forgive you and accept that, then at least you know you won't be living a lie with someone, and will have a clear conscience in knowing you had opened up completely to him.
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female
reader, L*  +, writes (27 August 2009):
don't worry about what you told him...he might not even realise when you have sex with him that you're a virgin. just relax and tell him you haven't had sex for a while so that will explain any awkwardness :-)
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male
reader, Sphronas +, writes (27 August 2009):
 If you've tried to have sex before but couldn't because it hurt too much, you should see a doctor. There are cases where the hymen is thicker than normal and does not break by itself during the first intercourse. In this case, it may have to be surgically removed. This would also mean that you would not have to tell your boyfriend about your virginity, as you would no longer be a virgin biologically. But you might actually want to tell him, because knowing that he will be your first lover might make the occasion very special to him.
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female
reader, JoJo93 +, writes (27 August 2009):
hiya hun dont feel ashamed you have nothing to feel ashamed for. my advice would be try and tell if he loves you he will respect that u not comfortable having sex, i no it must be hard for you to open up because im the same on that dont like opening up but i no deep down it always helps so give it ago hun
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