A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:This question stems from my fiances past relationship and my inexperience with relationships, but before I think crazy things I need your experienced advice. This is a long and boring read so bear with me if you really want to help me. ABOUT MESex - maleVirgin- yesAge- midtwentiesCulturally- Very conservativeMyself- Openminded, realistic personRelationship status- have fiance (soon to be married to) (my first relationship)Experience about relationships- Only movies, tv and now reading these webboardsMy dilemma... I need advice. I don't want to worry my parents with questions and advice, because trust me they will have a slew of it and I don't want to worry them period. So I need some sincere advice from you all people that have seen life and relationships.I am in a relationship with my fiance who I was introduced to via my family. We met, I liked her, I emailed her she emailed back with bunch of colors and cartoons...and a positive response. We started chatting. I live in US she lives somewhere else for now. I saw her for a day first time and then after few months for a few days and now we are again apart for some time before marriage. Her family is well-known(good), my family is well-known(good). She was in a prior relationship (one year) to be married and it was broken by her parents, she did not initially want the relationship broken (meaning she was probably in love, or so I think, feel, fear). When I first saw her that day, she mentioned to me about her relationship, I was sort of told a few hours before meeting her by my family that she was in a prior relationship. I was surprised to say the least, I was expecting to meet someone like me that was not in a relationship before (she broke up few months before meeting me), but my family said she was from a good family. I agreed to meet her, fell in sort of "love at first sight" thing, we were communicating well, she was laughing and I was laughing, our families in the other room were laughing as well. After that we seperated, and communicated for a few months via email/phone. Always in good spirit. I met her again after few months for a few days alone and she with her family shaparooning. We again were communicating well, she was happy, I was happy.Right after we started chatting/phoning, she told me about her past relationship and that she broke it off because the guy did not respect her parents, but she said the guy really was a very caring/over-protective person towards her. I listened! (in the back of mind I resented this, I wish she was not in a prior relationship but she was and I liked her so decided that I would be mature and realistic and supportive while she gets over this guy!). In the mean-time the guy emailed her/called her for a while and she kept me informed of this fact. After last email from this guy where he promised to stop bothering her, I have not heard her mention anything about him again. (meaning he has probably stopped contacting her) We are in a good place right now over the email/phone, I believe she is happy and I am happy with her. After more than a year this guy has contacted me via an indirect route (email saying just hi!) NOW (more than a year after their break up), he could have easily gotten my phone number if he really wanted from family/friend/cultural connections before. My QUESTIONS for you all... (there a lot of them so...)1) How should I handle this guy if we meet face to face one day or he contacts me directly? 2) Should I mention this guy contacting me to my fiance? (she hasn't mentioned anything to me yet? and I don't want to worry her, her family, and indirectly my family)3) Is it a fair question to ask my fiance (after this long length of our relationship), if she still has feelings for this guy? (I fear her answer as well, and I fear more that she will lie or I won't trust her answer)4) Lastly and most importantly because I am a virgin and now I am left wondering whether she is or not? (and I wouldn't dare ask her and I know that being an intelligent and realistic person this shouldn't be important, but I am left wondering, which kills me...)Thank you for reading.
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female
reader, duskyrowe  +, writes (28 June 2008):
 What religion are you?
Eastern cultures do tend to frown on people who have a history of relationships before marriage. Western cultures the complete opposite, it would be thought as weird if by your age you have not sown a few wild oats. Don't think for one second I am knocking your inexperience, I'm not!!!
Was you brought up to believe that sex is only for marriage? Anyway why are you surprised that she has had a boyfriend before you? She is a grown woman, and it is normal even for women to have a past. This does not make them abnormal at all. Accept of who she is, not what she did before you. Be an adult about this.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): You will get little support for your concerns from westerners.
Almost everyone in the west is sexually active before marriage these days, so having hurt feelings about your partner's past sexual life has become VERY inconvenient. The culture has dealt with this problem by essentially ignoring it and hoping it will go away. Men still have these concerns, but they are no longer viewed as "normal" or legitimate by many women. (Women do not share the same concerns about men as often as men commonly do.) Men are basically expected to "tough it out" since they were probably sexually active outside of marriage as well.
In your case I do not know what to tell you. I do not know how normal or abnormal her behavior is for your culture. What is normal and expected in one land may be grounds for a prison term in another.
In the west, she has done nothing wrong or untrustworthy at all. She would be considered quite "clean" here compared to most women her age, and you would be considered very unusual to still be a virgin yourself.
Your concerns usually do no go away in these cases. If it bothers you now, it probably always will bother you and nothing you say or do will stop it. Not having sex yourself, not hearing every detail about what she's done, nor anything else.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses, they are all insightful and provide different angles for me to approach my problem.
I believe this is really my own problem, not hers, not the other guys (but why did he even get in touch with me... I don't want to stay in touch with him!)
And I don't believe she is in touch with him, he may have try to get in touch with her but I know she is not in touch with him.
Do I rate the answers or other readers, because for me to rate the answer wouldn't be right.
Please continue...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): I'm from Europe, our values are very different from your's but I will try to understand and help. In the UK the legal age of consent for sex is 16, and even for religious or conservative people over here, by the age of 36-40 prior sexual experience is expected, even if only to make sure that nothing is medical wrong. You present as aged 36-40 (Overage) and currently residing in the USA. I thank you for outling your values, I will try to keep this to the front when I try to offer you my puny advice.
The age thing is maybe wrong, you say you are in your midtwenties and are still a virgin, but are open minded. I thinks that very beautiful, and very, very sweet. If I was your woman, I would feel honoured that you had waited and would seek to make you happy on our wedding night.
Ok, she was already engaged to be married, yep I can understand the traditional bit. Well he was probably known to the family, and if they broke it off the reasons were good. She's done nothing wrong.
"in the back of mind I resented this, I wish she was not in a prior relationship but she was"... Exactly, you meet this woman, you fall in "semi-love" and then you get resentfull because you can't change the past. Well what you gonna do? The past is the past, it cannot be changed. I can't remove slavery, I can't rebuild empires, I don't know how to solve the history of injustices that have been applied from man-to-man. This woman lives in the 21st century, and your world (to me) is in the past. She loves you, probably worships you, she makes you laugh. You are unhappy because you don't have the power to play God and change the world..... Not good, not good at all. Reliastic, maybe in your world, but unfortunately I'm from a different tradition and things seem different to me.
Answer One: Yo! Bro (English translation "Hi brother") we share the same family, we're brothers in kind, thanks for the hello, I know this is difficult and you've caused issues that I got to get over. Thanks for looking after my woman, I understand you couldn't keep her and the family didn't think you were right. She's mine now, she loves me, and I promise to you that I'll treat her right.
Answer Two: Yes tell her, tell the family and tell the whole world. Everybody knows you, everybody knows him, I bet everyone would be happy if you two got on.
Answer Three: You can ask her, if you think your ready for the answer. The correct form is, "Baby, do you still love that other guy, if you do, I think we should end things now". What she did with this other guy, how she was with him, and anything else she decides to withold is her business and not for you to know.
Answer Four: Your a virgin, she is not. You have know idea what knowledge she has. You don't know if she was pleased or she was hurt. Everything is still a blank page. She does not know your body, you have not seen hers, their is plenty for you to discover on your and her first wedding night. You may feel insecure, what because you believe that every man is a better lover than you. No way.... LOL..... Your fresh and new, you can take your time to claim this woman and love her all your life. Read books, the karma sutra is good, the songs of solomon from the bible is also a good read....
Don't worry about her past, it's your future that counts....Or maybe you can't get over this, and then she is not the woman for you, so leave her before you develop deeper feelings of love.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (28 June 2008):
 Your cultural ways are something that many people will not be able to identify with. At least those from the west. I'm not saying they're good or bad, just not the "norm" for this part of the world.
Having said that, it sounds like it is important to you to find the answers to these questions. I understand that it is customary in some cultures for the parents to choose a mate for their children. While it seems you have accepted this concept, you do not sound as if you're sold on who they picked. Not because she is good or bad, just because she may have some history that interferes with the present. If you are both firm believers in your customs, then you should believe that your parents know you best. They would know also who would be a suitable mate for you. But. if there is a shadow of a doubt about these customs, then you are caught in a bad spot. You either buy in to it or you don't.
Once your heart starts to take over, logic is not always so easy to follow. Also, logic is not the only thing we use to make our choices in life. We are not machines and sometimes our hearts lead us to what we want and need over what is the most outwardly appealing.
We all know how it is to pretend to be happy. Don't make that mistake or let her make it either.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (28 June 2008):
 It's a little difficult to relate to your situation for me. It does seem your upbringing is way more conservative than that of so many of us. It seems like you have what people call and "arranged marriage", that is, the traditional type in which the bride and the groom are chosen to a very large degree, if not entirely, by the family.
From my point of view, the biggest concern would be whether she is also of the same mind as you concerning marriage. If she is like I am, for example, she might (hear me out, might) not like the idea of marrying someone her parents chose for her. I believe that, in any case, conservative or not, I would be very disturbed over a broken engagement.
Maybe you suspect your fiancé and the other guy are still in contact. If that were the case, I wouldn't marry her, but not for the reasons you think. I wouldn't marry her because I would know her heart would be elsewhere, and I would hate to make her unhappy. But, are you sure they are in touch, really?
As to whether you can "trust" her, I think you can. I think your asking the question would do a lot of harm and no good at all. It will show her you don't trust her, and that would make me think about not getting married at all.
I can't find a reason why the other man should contact you. He did, and of course he had nothing to say. And if he said something, whatever he said would be his wishes only against the hard facts. Facts are stubborn, said Lenin. Can't you just forget about him?
If she's a virgin or not, honestly, I wouldn't care. Maybe it is important for you and your traditions. I think a woman's worth does not depend on whether her hymen is intact or not.
Hope this helps.
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