A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a student nurse so not on alot of money and my boyfriend works in IT up in the city, has a good job,we have been together a few months but we decided to spend some privacy time together in a hotel room,so he wants me to book it up,arrange the date then to meet up.My problem is, he hasn't offered to pay for the room which i think he should do.Am i being tight but thinking he should pay and not me? Or am i analyzing it too much? I just think its weird that a woman should pay for a hotel room and not the man.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2013): Go with what feels right for you. Tell him you don't feel comfortable booking the hotel, can he do it, and you'll pay for your half. Always offer your fair share, and let him decide if he wants to cover all of it or not.
If my bf told me to book a hotel room, that early on, that is exactly what I would say. If he had any problem with it, I would be thinking carefully about my future with him.
It is possible he is suggesting you do it, so that you can get a date that suits you, and if so, he would be happy to book it if that is what makes you more comfortable.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (13 November 2013):
 if you are close enough to a man to allow him to put his penis in your body aren't you close enough to ask him who's paying for the bill?
if you say you can't ask him, why not? what are you afraid of finding out?
Are you sure he's not married?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2013): If you 'don't want to' have sex in either of your houses- isn't this going to become a significant ongoing cost??
If you can't afford this even once, then how are you hoping to sustain the relationship?
It would be unreasonable to expect him to foot the bill for a room on a very regular basis without ever contributing yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2013): I would just tell him, but frankly I think it would be more nicer if he booked a hotel. I feel a bit weird him asking you to book a room
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 November 2013):
 You seem very focused on 'is it right?' If you can afford it, why shouldn't you pay for it? If you can't afford it, then you need to have a discussion about that with him. If you are intimate enough to be having sex with him, you are intimate enough to have discussions about who pays for what.
We don't know what he's paid for in the past, has he paid for everything else and this is the one thing he was hoping you'd pay for?
So if the question is 'is it right' for the woman to pay, well, I think it is perfectly reasonable to expect her to pick up the tab for part of the dating expenses, especially if he's paid for most of it.
Who's looking after the children while you are in the hotel room? If the children are sleeping at their other parent's home then your homes are empty and the hotel room isn't needed and you can spare that expense.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 November 2013):
 Well if it's a "date night" out that will lead to a steamy night at a hotel due to kids at both homes I guess I see the point in the hotel room.
But if you can't afford it why not bring it up?
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (12 November 2013):
 It isn't weird to have sex in a hotel rather than at either of your homes, now you've explained children at both homes.
But you'll have to bring up finances with him, particularly if you expect this to become a regular thing rather than a one-off.
I'm sure he'll understand that a single mum who's also a student doesn't have that much spare cash. Offer to pay half on this occasion, but discuss what you're going to do long term (or even just next time).
All the best.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 November 2013):
 Maybe he just wants you to book the room, then he is going to take care of the bill himself.
Anyway , if you cannot afford it, there's nothing wrong in bringing this up :" I am on a tight budget , I don't think I can afford it. You would have to pay the hotel bill, is that a problem ? ". Or, if you prefer, " we would have to split 50/50 ".
If you and this guy are close enough to go and spend privacy time together in a hotel, then you should be also close enough to talk about the money issue without awkwardness.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2013): Why is it weird to book a hotel room? Its obvious we are going to have sex but didn't feel the need to mention it seeing it was stating the obvious.I wanted to know if it was right to pay for the room...that's all.It was both our idea.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2013): We both have children so we don't want to have sex in our houses....and he isn't married.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 November 2013):
I'm not sure why you two would need a hotel room either. Though IF you are a couple either of you can pay, however if you CAN NOT afford it, bring it up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2013): Whatever your reasons are for wanting privacy, the fact you're only in a relationship a "few months" don't go spending your hard-earned money without being sure about him.Either you both pay 50/50 that way there are no regrets later, or you remind him you're the student, he is the working man and to step up to the plate!
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (12 November 2013):
 of course, also, the privacy thing is a bit odd. and what's even more odd is that he doesn't want to put it on his card. so yeah, i'd be weary like the others are saying. he may not want it on his card so it can't be traced back to him if he has a wife.
anyway, good luck.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (12 November 2013):
just because you book it doesn't mean you're paying for it. they're just using your card to hold the room. they don't charge you until you arrive. you then can pay however you choose. cash or other credit card, etc. perhaps this is what he is planning to do.
why don't you just tell him it's hard on you as you are in school. i'm sure he'll offer.
either that or he doesn't know how tight on money you are. just simply communicate that to him. certainly he'll understnd?
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (12 November 2013):
 It dont sound right at all. Just meet up unless your planning on sexual activities theres no need for a room. Even though it is more personable and it is more private Lol. I would let him get the room all of it if he cant afford it keep it moving. On to the next one.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (12 November 2013):
Why do you need a hotel room for privacy? That's more weird than whether the female or male should pay.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 November 2013):
Who suggested the hotel in the first place? Why not simply meet at his place or yours?
You could try to pass it off to him, "babe, you're the guy in IT and can navigate the hotel booking sites better than I can, I'm busy with school, would you mind doing the booking? Thanks a mil! :)" and see what he comes back with.
Has he spent a lot of money on you, have you split the bill in the past?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2013): You should check out his place. Do you know his roommates? Are you sure he does not live with a wife? why would you need to use a hotel room for privacy?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2013): I did that with a boyfriend once. I thought it was fun, like we were pretending to have an affair by "meeting up" in a hotel. Problem was, he was married. I didn't know :-( So in that case, be careful.I would just straight ask him, saying something like, "I can book the hotel, but there's no way for me to pay for it without overextending my budget." I don't know if it's the man's job to pay (it's not 1950 anymore), but if it's his idea he should pay (in my opinion). If it were your idea, then I can see why he would expect you to pay. Another fair way would be to pay by percentage. Since he makes more than you do, he coud pay 75% and you could pay %25 as 50/50 would be unfair to you. Since I'm not a math person, I'm really wishing my financial analyst brother-in-law were here to help me out. I'm sure someone on here has an idea.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 November 2013):
 Is there reason why you can't go to his place? Or does he have roommates? I would suggest that you split 50/50 and if he can't do that then just forget about the idea, either take it slow or rethink the relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2013): You don't offer a lot of details. Does he spring for most of the outings and entertainment? Unless you're going for a suite, would it hurt to split the cost? If you can't afford to, just say so.
If he makes such good money, why doesn't he have his own place? Why is privacy an issue?
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