A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Help me out here. How can a woman accuse her husband of cheating and then justify her own affair as a form of retaliation, or as a means to quench her insatiable thirst for attention? She gets all bent out of shape when she suspects that her husband is cheating, but won't bat an eye leaving her house to have sex and return home like nothing happened. I'm talking about a woman who does not trust her husband one iota. So instead of moving on, she decides to let things linger and the proceeds to sleep around even more than her husband, but still makes him out to be the bad guy. She blames him for being the catalyst for her cheating ways. To top it off, nothing is "her fault" because it's all predicated on her husband not giving her enough loving, or that she's being manipulated somehow (win wink). What is the root cause for this type of behavior? It can't just be low self-esteem, right?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2013): Cheating for emotional reasons versus just sex, this is a gender difference. Men usually get hurt worse if their wife had no feelings for the guy she was screwing and he was just a good lay. Women usually get hurt worse if their mad DID have feelings for the woman he was screwing.
Here's a shocker: This perfectly matches how natural selection would want to program our feelings.
A man's chances of passing on his genes are more threatened if his wife is capable of secretly screwing other men just because they are sexy even if she feels nothing for them. A woman's chances of passing on her genes are more threatened if her husband develops a relationship with someone else that challenges what she has with him overall.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2013): You're right, an emotional affair is more of a threat to a marriage, but that's not what I was referring to. I think in a dysfunctional relationship like the one you describe, then the people involved are both to blame and should both call it quits. I don't think there is any excuse off cheating, but surely risking your marriage in the hope it could be another chance at happiness is more justifiable than risking your marriage because you are an opportunist and think you have the right to sleep with whoever you want because 'it doesn't mean anything'. I'd be more hurt if my husband had a meaningless affair because it's exactly that - meaningless. The only reason for it in that case is selfish greed.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI totally disagree that a person who is cheating for emotional reasons is doing it for better reason than a person who just cheats for one-off sex. Emotional affairs are the bigger threat to a marriage if you ask me since you're sharing a more profound level of intimacy; the wayward spouse can fall in love with the affair partner so to speak.
What baffles me about so many dysfunctional relationships is that the red flags were there in plain sight during the dating phase. Nevertheless, some people choose to ignore the writing on the wall thinking that the turmoil is just transient in nature and things will get better. Marrying because you want to be married is just a recipe for disaster, but it happens a lot.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2013): No cheating is worse than others in my opinion, although it could be argued that a person who does it to try to get her emotional needs met because she is feeling neglected by her husband is doing it for better reasons than the husband who is having meaningless one nighters. Both are equally responsible for destroying the marriage though.
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (13 November 2013):
 Her advice was really good (youwish). So regardless of who it was ultimately doesn't matter.
She's right, both people are equally to blame. It's not one persons fault over the other. Or more one persons fault. They both have cheated, they both have lied, and they both have broken their marriage vows.
But since you asked about the woman, she is of low character and self esteem. She craves attention of men in order to make herself feel wanted and desired. It makes her feel good about herself. It fuels her. Attention from others gives her self worth.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 November 2013):
 I never said it was you. I usually speak to the person who is in the relationship, which is why I said: "If I were talking to the husband, I would say".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@youwish......this is not about me so stop jumping to conclusions. These are people who are very close to me.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 November 2013):
The error in your thinking is in thinking that she is worse than he is, or he is worse than she is. If I were talking to the husband, this is what I would say:
You're both equally responsible for destroying the relationship. You cheated. She cheated. The why's, the psychology, the reasons, the frequency, it doesn't matter.
In terms of the offense, there was a first offense. It doesn't justify future offenses. But just because someone cheated once doesn't mean that the pain isn't ongoing. The laceration to the relationship remains. You cheat. she cheats. Stop saying "hers is worse" because both of you are equal.
As for her, I'd tell her that she is as bad as he is. She could have left. She could have made other choices, but she used it as an excuse to become just as bad. There is no justification for it. She chose to be a cheater because SHE wanted it. It is independent of him.
So I say this:
What are you going to do next? Quibble over who's worse, who started it, or will you both stop the crap and either save or end the relationship? Cut the pseudopsychological crap and make an adult choice as to the future of your marriage. If she won't, then you walk.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 November 2013):
 some folks live with drama in their lives (your last follow up indicates lots of drama) because they do not know how to live any other way.... to them drama means they are alive.
it could be borderline personality disorder
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (13 November 2013):
My ex did this. Cheated constantly and carried on relationships behind my back. She couldnt say no to anyone who showed even the least bit of attention.
This came from a severe lack of self esteem. So yes, you bare perhaps correct.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@youwish......yes, the relationship is rife with cheating coming from both parties. I agree with your take on this idea that she's trying to emasculate her husband, but she's actually had more sexual encounters with one person on a recurring basis than her husband. This actually worse in my book since it's not just one-off sex, but actually more of an extramarital affair where emotions come into the equation.
But my question is why does she get seriously involved with men who cheat on her and then choose to live this roller coaster ride of forgiving, cheating, anger, back together, more cheating, etc. This type of behavior stems from low self esteem or having an inherent belief that these types of relationship dynamics are normal, right?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 November 2013):
Wait a second here.
You left out the most important component to your story:
She accused him of cheating, but you failed to mention whether he actually did cheat on her. Whether he did or didn't would have a profound effect on the answer "what's going through her mind?"
You did say this:
"So instead of moving on, she decides to let things linger and then proceeds to sleep around even more than her husband, but still makes him out to be the bad guy."
I bring attention to "even more than her husband". Does that mean that he DID cheat on her?
If the answer is yes, he did, then this isn't narcissism. This is her trying to punish her husband over and over for the way he hurt her. She is sleeping around in order to make him FEEL her pain, over and over and over and over again. It's a form of emasculating him and emotionally bludgeoning him for destroying the relationship. I'm not saying she's right. I'm saying that this is her rationale.
If the answer is no, he has never ever been disloyal to her then it's something totally different, and something closer to narcissism, and she's projecting her own guilt as a way to avoid accountability for her actions.
In either event, there is no justification for cheating. Revenge cheating is still cheating. She needs to end the relationship, or he does. But there is your answer.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not so sure about narcissistic tendencies because she does show compassion and empathy in other areas.
The reason I mentioned low self esteem is because of her inclination to spread her legs for men when she's desperate for attention and love. She's not promiscuous but tends to pick a target that she'll keep around for a while, luring him in with salacious and seductive talk. She's always had a man in her life and tends to overlook the obvious; men don't mind easy sex from an attractive woman if it's offered to them.
I have relegated to the "can't see the forest for the trees " status, although one would think that at some point this "victim" will get it and realize that her decisions are to blame as opposed to her partners.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 November 2013):
 I'm with lifton. I would go with narcissist.
Nothing is her fault, he reflects ALL blame onto someone else (in this case the husband).
Seems like the marriage was doomed anyways, if they both sleep around -what's the point in the marriage? Just divorce, move on, be single.
I know of MANY women with low self esteem and they don't cheat.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2013): It's a toxic relationship and one would wonder why they stay in it. The sanctity of their marriage is a joke and neither respects themselves enough to do the right thing and/or end it. Marriage takes committment, work and most of all trust between two people. None of those things are in that marriage whatsoever.
There are no justifications, excuses or blame for cheating on your partner. It's a choice. No matter how one wants to spin it, or convince themselves why they did or do what they do, it still comes down to a choice. People with integrity, honor and respect for themselves and their partners would walk away and put their energy into working on what they can do to strengthen their relationship, instead of cheating and breaking trust on it. Cheating is only a temporary solution to the issues you don't want to tackle. And once that line is crossed, there is no taking it back.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (12 November 2013):
 HI
Once a cheat always a cheat, I wouldn't even bother to justify the actions. Many people use ( it was your fault I cheated ) quote. or the ( well you accused me of cheating so much I thought I might as well )these kind of people deserve to be left alone in their own little bubble , and live with a few cats for the rest of eternity....I despise cheaters, I don't know how they sleep at night!!!
Mandy
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A
female
reader, angel91 +, writes (12 November 2013):
It's a toxic relationship that should be left. "...procedes to sleep around more than her husband".They're both as bad as each other. You say that she won't move on, but why doesn't he either? If he's sleeping around then he obviously doesn't care for her any more either.They need to be adults and realise that this type of relationship is not healthy.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (12 November 2013):
 cheating is cheating no mater who doe's it. one thing that is missing in this day and time is self accountability, no one seems to want to be responsible for their own actions. everything we do effects someone else for the positive or negative. sounds like she is still holding over your head for cheating in the past, and using a"get out of jail free card" to cheat. she maybe trying to justify in her mind what she is doing is fair, and o.k. not low self esteem that's a easy way to justify what she is doing without having as much guilt over cheating.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (12 November 2013):
i would call it narcisism
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